Tuesday, April 25, 2017
1. "DO NOT REMOVE ME FROM THIS VAT OF COLD SUGARY SEMI-SOLID MILK—I AM FINALLY HAPPY"
2. "Your Holstein print curtains are an offense to heavy-set women and gay men everywhere."
3. "'Chubby Hubby' is an offense to socialism. Why so many flavors? One is enough. As long as it's not strawberry."
4. And the number one sign you're at a really, really bad bachelor party....
5. When I said like more nuts in my Rocky Road ice cream, this is not what I was thinking.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
1. "Is that a dissertation on General Relativity in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
2. "Sit down on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up."
3. "Is my hand on your ass or is your ass on my hand? It depends entirely on your frame of reference."
4. "Not funny. Now giff me my teef back before I beat you like United Airlines securify."
5. Then she reached in his pocket and stole all his Oxycontin and Einstein never dated a West Virginia woman again.
Wednesday, April 05, 2017
1. If you noticed the flute before the nip, expect a visit from Mike Pence's Electroshock Treatment Squad.
2. Female Jethro Tull reboot... much more intriguing than female Ghostbusters reboot.
3. "So, you spent your entire Clinton internship learning to play 'Hail to the Chief' on flute? Waste of time, huh?"