Friday, December 31, 2004

Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!

Interim Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas is carried by the Al Aqsa Martyrs’ Brigades leader Zakaria Zubeidi during a campaign visit to Jenin, Thursday Dec. 30, 2004.

1. "Yeee-hah! Ride 'em cowboy! Let's get on back to the KY corral! YEEEE-HAH!"

2. "Ah, Praise Allah, another fervent supporter anoints himself in my holy pit stains."

3. The blood of the innocent stains your soul, not your hands.

4. "Yes. Excellent practice drill everyone! Thank you! Of course, had this been an actual tsunami, everyone but me would all be drowned."

5. "We can dance! We can dance! Everybody look at your hands!"

6. Check out the gigantic Don King Super-fro on the dude in the background.

7. Piggy-back rides, $5.00. Moustache rides, $1.00.

8. You can set off a suicide belt, or you can pull all five fingers at once. Same diff.

9. In a land desperate for any kind of real victory, fifth place in an Alex Trebek look-alike contest is a huge deal.

10. "This is the last time I borrow a suit from Gary Coleman."

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Dog Day Afternoon

November 24, 2004: Taz, a German Shepherd, leaps over his owner, Leo Clower, at the dog park in Warren MI.

1. Another Evangelical Dyslexic genuflecting before his dog.

2. "I will not eat them above a log, I will not eat them beneath a dog, I do not like green eggs and ham..."

3. Leo would later regret teaching his dog the deadly art of Precision Dive-Crapping.

4. Next on Origins of the Lesser X-Men, Dog Levitator Boy.

5. Hey, If I could levitate myself four feet in the air and lick myself, I'd never leave the house.

6. "Oh, yeah... those Jehovah Witnesses will be dead before they hit the ground."

7. "Whoa! Brenda! That's a hell of an arm you got there. Now, throw the cat."

8. Leo was later arrested when the dog jumped over "the moon."

9. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. Underneath a dog, on the other hand...

10. "Crikey, that wild dingo just leaped over that man's 'ead and 'e's about rip me neck off..." The Death of Steve Irwin.

Tickle This, Pigs!

Friday, November 26, 2004: An enormous Elmo balloon seems to be reaching out to the Wayne County Sheriffs Mounted unit during the 78th Annual Thanksgiving Parade in downtown Detroit.
Detroit News

1. "Damn it, Johnson, I know it's tempting, but if you pull Elmo's finger, it could damn well destroy the entire city!"

2. "Hey, maybe after the parade, you can take me back to your place and... tickle me."

3. Another raid at the Neverland Ranch was initiated after molestation complaints by Giant Children.

4. "STOP THE PARADE!! Elmo isn't supposed to be shouting obscenities!!"

5. Police were powerless as the Life-Size Naked Sunburned Michael Moore continued its rampage through the city.

6. "That big red character behind us rakes in over a billion dollars a year in merchandising fees alone and still gets a half billion in taxpayer subsidies... we definitely arrest the wrong people."

7. On a controversial Sesame Street, Elmo takes out JFK from behind the grassy knoll.

8. "Elmo says, 'Fight the power! Off the pigs! Legalize It!'" "Take him down, men."

9. "The horses are okay, but do you ever fantasize about being cyborg super-cops with rocket packs and machine-gun arms?"

10. "Well, the one I rode in on isn't interested, so there!"

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Christmas at the Snake Pit

Marine Lance Cpl. Adam Suave of Savage, Minn., dressed up as Santa Claus, and Lance Cpl. Brian Marren of Chicago dressed up as Rudolf, on Christmas day at Forward Operating Base Snake Pit in Ramadi, Iraq. Santa is carrying a pump action shotgun and Rudolf is carrying a Squad Automatic Weapon. Both Marines are with Echo Company, 2nd Battalion, 5th Marine Regiment. - L.G. Francis / Military Times staff - Air Force Times

1. "Aw, come on, all I did was ask Rumsfeld what kind of underwear he wore."

2. "Gentlemen, I ask you one last time, is this really the best way to settle the 'Kirk versus Picard' argument?"

3. "Um, Adam, it turns out the clerk was dyslexic, and your paperwork should have read 'SATAN worshipper.'"

4. This year, Santa decided to get Medieval on those naughty kids' asses.

5. "Um, Brian, when I said I was up for some 'White Tail,' that's not what I had in mind."

6. Let's see, deer hunting with a pump action shotgun and an automatic rifle. In Michigan, we consider that underkill.

7. "Yo, Santa, I'll give you $100 for the list of bad girls."

8. "Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys/For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys/When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death/Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath/From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo/Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye/"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!" - Weird Al Yankovic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy"

9. After their Christmas Party on Tatooine was broken up by a bunch of rowdy, drunken Jedi, the Marines calmly went forth and showed why shotguns and assault rifles beat light sabers and wussy-ass mind tricks every time.

10. "We'll teach that Grinch bastard to steal the Whos' Christmas."

Saturday, December 25, 2004


Nude members of Berlin's ice swimming club 'Berliner Seehunde' (Berlin seals) take a dip in the cold water of the Oranke lake, in Berlin December 25, 2004. Photo by Fabrizio Bensch/Reuters

1. "Now that the bubbles have stopped, does anyone else want to compare me to 'Free Willy?'"

2. -- Insert 'shallow end of gene pool comment' here. --

3. "Klaus, if I knew mein 'man-boobies' would drive you into such a frenzy, I would have worn a two-piece."

4. "Klaus, if you don't want the puppies, maybe you should just get the dog fixed."

5. An interpretive-dance version of 'The Odyssey' using naked Germans in Santa Hats for Scylla and Charybdis: Your NEA tax dollars at work.

6. The first Shriners emerge from the primodial ooze.

7. "It wasn't me."

8. "Ach! Ein Baby Ruth! Vait a minute, das ist nicht ein Baby Ruth."

9. "Next Christmas, I get to be Kate Winslet and you have to be Leonardo di Caprio, OK Hans?"

10. "As demonstrations of strength and virility go, this is okay, but invading Poland would be better."

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Old People With Holiday Tree

Gerard and Rita P---- hoist a spruce tree on their car. Gerard P---- said he was impressed by the "good selection" of trees at the lot. Sentinel-Standard/Steve DeGrush.

1. "And when the holidays are over, we'll just throw it in the wood-chipper and use it to mulch the garden." "Do you mean the tree, or the hitch-hiker we got stashed in the trunk?"

2. "I love shopping here. They always have such lovely shit."

3. "I smell Alpo, did you just cut one?"

4. "Don't you feel like a hypocrite? Us being Satanists and all."

5. "The smell of Fixodent gets me so hot, I've got half a mind to bend you over the trunk and ram yo' booty right here, right now."

6. "Jingles Bellsh! Jingle Bellsh. (hic) Jingle all the... on Dancer! On Pransher! What? Coursh I'm good ta drive ya (hic) nasty old skank!"

7. "What do you say we go over the farmer's market and run down some young people?"

8. "All right, but next Christmas, I'm goin' to Fire Island with Hank."

9. "We'll have a 'Yule Log' too... soon as the Vi@gr@ kicks in."

10. "Hey! I got an idea! Why don't we go down to the docks and score some acid before we put the lights up?"

Monday, December 20, 2004

You could photoshop an anti-Bush slogan into this picture, drop it into Sorry-Everybody-dot-com and nobody would notice

Pop star Michael Jackson waves after greeting several hundred children that were invited guests at his Neverland Ranch home - AP

1. Disney's remake of Mary Poppins. was scuttled by a catastrophic casting decision.

2. "My slumber parties are perfectly innocent and the children get to have all the Jesus Juice... I mean, Juicy Juice... they can drink."

3. "As your publicist, I advise you that your only hope is to marry someone even scarier, creepier, and less worthy of being trusted around children than you are. Mr. Jackson, I'd like you to meet your new fiance, Courtney Love."

4. Because plastic surgery has reduced his nostrils to the size of pinholes, Michael Jackson has no choice but to pick his friend's nose.

5. Michael Jackson once again blunders into controversy by referring to "Toys 'R' Us" as "The Bait Shop."

6. In 2006, Michael Jackson produced and directed a documentary film using heavily doctored footage to make the claim that George W. Bush was a delusional, plastic surgery-addicted pedophile. He won the Palm d'Or at Cannes and regained the full measure of his respect and celebrity among the media elites.

7. "A is for Albert, molested by Michael/B is for Brian, also molested by Michael/C is for Charlie ..." Gashlycrumb Tinies, 2004.

8. Disney's remake of The Avengers was scuttled by a catastrophic casting decision.

9. Apparently, someone told him it was raining men.

10. You don't really realize how dirty the song "Afternoon Delight" is until you hear Michael Jackson singing it in a karaoke duet with a fifth-grader.

Good News for LA Motorists

My favorite Headline of the Year: LAPD Plan to Curb Flashlight Beatings

1. "if you can't beat people with flashlights, and you can't pound somebody's head on the pavement... what's the point of being of being a cop any more?"

2. "Rick, if you point out we're parked under mistletoe again, I'm not gonna beat you with my flashlight, I'm gonna shove it up your ass." "Promise?"

3. "Kwanzaa is a celebration of the values that sustain my people." "Um, Rick, you're the white cop." "Yeah, but I come from a long line of Marxist sociology professors."

4. "Personally, I think using a giant sign that says "Weetime" to point out a public restroom is just a little too cutesy.

5. "Of course it's wrong to beat suspects with flashlights... that what they give us nightsticks for."

6. "I agree times have changed a lot since CHiPS made Erik Estrada's character Italian instead of Latino because they didn't think a 70's audience could handle that much diversity, but I still don't think any network is ready for 'Dick Hershey: Pre-Operative Trans-Sexual Undercover Cop,' ... Oh, wait, I forgot about HBO."

7. "Hey, looks like that guy we sent in to settle the gang war between the Crips and Bloods really was just a stripper after all. This should be entertaining."

8. "He called me a 'girlie-man' so I ran over his foot. That's how I ended up on traffic detail."

9. "As soon as the Olson twins hit 18, I requested a transfer to vice. I figure it's just a matter of time."

10. "Have you seen this boy?"

Friday, December 17, 2004

They had me going until the Fortran bit

Scientists from RAND Corporation have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look in the year 2004. With teletype interface and the Fortran language, the computer will be easy to use,

This was emailed to me about a week ago. I thought it smelled funny and Snopes confirms it's a hoax, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend it's real, right?

1. "And it will go 14 hectares on a flagon of horse manure."

2. The RAND scientists added a steering wheel when someone commented that computers of the future might be used to play "Simu-Crime" games in which Negroes stole cars and shot each other.

3. "Think this baby can whip me up a whore like those kids in Weird Science did?"

4. In 1955, Professor Schonnbrunn was sentenced to eight years on morals charges for theorizing that his "Think-U-Tron" could permit "pictures of naked ladies to be displayed in the privacy of their own home."

5. First clue that it was a fake 50's photograph? No "Whites Only" sign on the gigantic keyboard.

6. What Mac Users envision whenever anyone tries to argue the superiority of DOS.

7. "I use it to cruise chat-rooms and pretend I'm a 23-year-old hottie under the name BustyLass36DD."

8. When your ISP gives you a warning not to give personal information to any unknown third parties, they mean this guy.

9. "Will men be taking orders from machines in 2004? Only if you count on-line dominatrixes."

10. "The Temporal-Teletype-Machine seems to be printing out a message from the future. It's... BUY... V.I.@.G.R.@... and ... C.I.@.L.I.S... at ... 50%... DISCOUNT."

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Making the World A Better Place

Imagine a world without France... Is it possible? For centuries scholars have pondered the problem of France - trying to balance their hatred of France with their natural reluctance to destroy a whole country and all of its inhabitants.
-- The Man Who Fell Asleep

Toys Against Tots

Staff Sgt. Leonardo Cruz unloads toys for the Marine Corps’ ‘Toys for Tots’ program from an Air Force Pave Hawk helicopter at Nellis Air Force Base, Nev., near Las Vegas, 12/13/2004. Craig L. Moran / AP photo-Air Force Times

1. Apparently the problems with getting armored vehicles to the troops are even worse than we thought.

2. The Buckley's "Pave Hawk" drove their Hummer-driving yuppie neighbors into fits of jealousy, and parking at Toys 'R' Us was never a problem.

3. "Well, you knew we were airborne... you kids should have held on tighter."

4. Man, they are really coddling those guys at Abu Ghraib.

5. Michael Jackson's elite payoff squad comes through with more "hush money."

6. If Senator Clinton had had Sprint PCS, the Marines would have heard her clearly say, "I need you to drop off a couple of dykes at my place in the Hamptons."

7. "All right, now all I got to do is walk a tightrope between two hovering helicopters while carrying a pair of tricycles... damn these Marine initiations are a bitch."

8. Wow! Some lucky kid is going to love the "Flemish Painter Action Figure" I see protruding from the box.

9. Full combat gear really is the only way to confront a mob of toy-crazed pre-schoolers.

10. If Bill Clinton had had Sprint PCS, the Marines would have heard him clearly request a pair of trisexuals be dropped off at his place in the Hamptons.

Terrorists in Blue

1. (singing) "I-I-I-I-I-I-I just gotta be me... just gotta be me..."

2. "We are not only a fabulous army, we are also part of Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation."

3. "Who's the tall guy in back who looks like Lurch and why does he keep asking if we'll be committing atrocities in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan?"

4. Gay Pride Parades lost some of their pizzazz when Maoists finally consolidated their control of the San Francisco City Council.

5. "Sorry, my... ahem... "room-mate" ... put bleach in the load with my uniform."

6. Asked why Hamas had added "Free Scott Peterson" to its list of demands, Abbas cited "solidarity with all political prisoners," but remarked off the record that Peterson was also "one hot hunk of California manhood."

7. Ali was out-of-touch with slang expressions that were trendy in 1997 and after a misunderstanding with one of his subordinates spent the rest of the day talking to his hand.

8. Cliff Clavin never dealt well with Cheers cancellation and eventually joined a militant wing of the Postal Service.

9. I don't know why Arafat called his elite forces the "Pearl Necklace" boys. I don't see any pearl necklaces.

10. Ali continues to insist that he is, in fact, "the real Slim Shady."

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Is Yanukovych The Disney Candidate?

1. Have a Happy "Give a Lesbian a Balloon Day"

2. "What corrupt capitalist running dog media fail to realize is that dioxin is traditional ingredient in Ukrainian gulag... I mean, goulash

3. Another Obscure Reference "I was walking up Sixth Avenue/When Balloon man came right up to me/He was round and fat and spherical/with the biggest grin I'd ever seen..."

4. Actor/comedian Howie Mendel was brutally strangled today by a really scary butch lesbian.

5. Nice try, but you're still not getting into Michael Jackson's house.

6. With Scully and Mulder hot on his trail, the alien morphed into Girls Phys. Ed. Teacher and tried to hide his anal probe inside a festive balloon.

7. "... when they came for the anthropomorphic animated mice, I didn't care because I wasn't an anthropomorphic animated mouse..."

8. Why the Ukrainian Communist Party adopted Drew Carey's prostate as its symbol is indeed a mystery.

9. Slightly Less Obscure Reference Ukrainian Communist Party candidate "Pennywise" at a rally where thousands chanted his slogan, "We all float down here."

10. "Winning this election will be as easy as taking a balloon from a child... after the child has been poisoned with dioxin.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Deck of a Carrier or IKEA Parking Lot, You decide.

Sailors assigned to the Air Department conduct a Scrub Exercise (SCRUBEX) on the flight deck of the Nimitz-class aircraft carrier USS Theodore Roosevelt (CVN 71) on Sunday. SCRUBEXs are performed periodically to reduce hydraulic fluid, grease and dirt buildup on flight decks and catwalks. The Roosevelt currently is at sea in the Atlantic Ocean conducting sea trials. Photographer’s Mate Airman Michael Cole / U.S. Navy -Air Force Times

1. It takes a large, highly specialized crew to clean up after one of Senator Kennedy's drunken orgies.

2. "And when you guys are done decontaminating this area, I will explain the actual meaning of 'poop deck.'"

3. Obscure Reference du jour "And I want you to count the slits between the planks very carefully so you don't fall in. Remember, when you're out of slits, you're out of pier."

4. Robin (center) eventually left Batman and joined the Navy, but never outgrew his fondness for yellow pants.

5. "Seaman, what's with the camo jacket? You see a damn tree anywhere on this ship?"

6. "We'll have to cancel Michael Moore's annual crevice scrub. We're a man short of the minimum safe crew allotment. We, do, however, have enough men to scrub the deck of this aircraft carrier."

7. "Yes, Seaman, we're aware you can sing 'Am I Blue?' in a voice eerily reminiscent of Patsy Kline. We just don't want you to."

8. "Look, I don't want to get busted for insubordination, and you don't want to get busted for insubordination, but we've been scrubbing this deck for two straight months and the admiral just sits over there, sobbing into his hands about how his beautiful ship is soiled and will never be clean again and I think somebody should say something."

9. The Navy gets it's own cable channel and totally misses the concept of 'Sweeps Month.'

10. "C'mon, you guys. Sing 'In the Navy' with me! Just because you appreciate camp doesn't mean you're gay."


A Marine uses a map to help his fellow leathernecks get oriented inside a neighborhood in Ramadi, Iraq, on Monday as they conduct a nighttime patrol there. Brennan Linsley / AP photo -Air Force Times

1. "For this game, you're going to be a 9th-level mage with 140 hit points..."

2. "Unfortunately, sergeant, 'nuking them from orbit because it's the only way to be sure' is not an option... yet."

3. "And now I have an announcement about dinner. It was veal. The pool money goes to PFC Richardson, who guessed, 'some kind of meat.'"

4. "And then, we all jump out and yell 'surprise! Happy birthday, colonel!'... and no shooting this time! Yes, I'm talking to you, Corporal Itchyfingers!"

5. "Madonna has volunteered for the USO tour and wants to know if we'd be willing to do any of that Abu Ghraib stuff on her."

6. "And our joke of the day, 'How can you tell if a blond insurgent set the Improvised Explosive Device (IED)?' Answer: 'If it's hidden in her vagina instead of by the highway.'"

7. "I'm still reading the printout, but none of these captions is overtly homo-erotic, so we don't have to hunt him down like a dog and kill him ... not yet anyway"

8. "Oh, and PFC Horowitz, Coalition Command has decided it's insensitive of you to shout 'Merry Christmas' as you blow away an insurgent, but yelling 'Happy Holidays' would be acceptable."

9. "Hey! They printed my letter! Here it is! Dear Penthouse, I never thought something like this would happen to me..."

10. "Okay, if this map is correct, we're either in the middle of Fallujah or downtown Milwaukee."

Monday, December 13, 2004

Returning to Current Events

Authorities, driving an unmarked Santa Barbara County sheriff's vehicle, leave Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch in Los Olivos, Calif., Friday, Dec. 3, 2004. (AP Photo/Phil Klein)

1. "I'm a Barbie Girl/In a Barbie world..." Come on, sing! Sing, damn you!

2. "It's Carrot Top! Floor it!"

3. "You call one more 'slug bug' and we're going to play a new game called '400 blows to the kidneys!'"

4. "Damn! Which is more points, the old man with the walker, or the old man in the wheelchair?"

5. "Hey, I'm perfectly fine to drive and you won't shut up about it you can ride in the trunk with the other hitchhikers."

6. "Jerry, this is the fourth time we've gone camping in Mexico in the last month. How stupid do you think the Border Patrol is, anyway?"

7. "Jerry, I don't want to tell you how to drive or anything, but when the State Trooper asked, 'Do you know how fast you were going?' you probably could have come up with a better answer than 'You're the fascist pig, you tell me.'"

8. In order to help with his son's homework, Jerry leaves Phoenix in a car going west at 50 miles per hour...

9. "Dude, when an Amish guy gives you the finger you're driving too slow!"

10. "Wow! Those troopers got a lot more polite after you got their guns away from them."

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part XVIII

Yet another androgynous Bush-hater from sorry-everybody-dot-com.

1. S/he’s sorry, and his/her over-sized rectal thermometer is also sorry.

2. “I’m so depressed, I think I’ll call my partner Chris, and our friends Kelly and Joe, and we’ll have a special night on the town… just us… colleagues.”

3. Howard Stern is taken off the air permanently after a call from Florida on the topic of “Deviant uses for cordless phone antennas.”

4. “Yes, I’m overcome with Post-Election Selection Trauma and won’t be in to teach girls gym today.”

5. “Grandpa, if you’re just going to go on and on about your chest pains, I’m gonna hang up right now. Whine. Whine. Whine.”

6. “Oh, no! A black man in our neighborhood! Better dial 9-1 and stand by.”

7. “No… a sheepshank knot is only going to slip low on your neck and choke you slowly. What you want is a three-coil noose with a bowline coil at the end. Snap your neck in a jiffy. Glad I could help, buh-bye.” The new Volunteer was unclear on the concept of a Suicide Hotline.

8. “I'm tired of talking to the cops! One of you hostages come here and talk to the cops! And tell those pigs I'll blow your head off if my demands aren’t met!”

9. “They said I’m a sexually ambiguous loser with no fashion sense, Psychic Friends My Ass!”

10. "Hey! What's the number for 911?"

Monday, December 06, 2004

Sorry Loser, Part XVII

Yet another disappointed Kerry-hugger from sorry-everybody-dot-com.

1.The motto of Earthjustice is Earth not only needs a good lawyer... and if this guy is stalking her, she also needs a restraining order.

2. 60,000 Quarter pounders ago, he modeled for the FTD logo.

3. (Obscure Reference Red Alert!) The Triffids were ultimately defeated by an obese giant in a silly hat.

4. His grandma's garden was the only thing Willis ever deflowered

5. Hm, the gut, the beard, and the T-shirt say "dominant bear" but the pretty flowers say "submissive twink." Once again, Andrew Sullivan is sending mixed signals.

6. (Obscure Frasier-esque reference) "Here's rosemary, that's for SwiftBoat Vets. So remember. And here's some pansies for gay marriage bans. There's fennel for you, and columbines: there's rue for you; and here's some for me: .." Michael Moore was the worst Ophelia ever.

7. "I feel pretty...oh so pretty...!"

8. Willis thought Marx was wrong about one thing. Religion was not the opium of the masses... poppies were the opium of the masses.

9. Willis combines his left-wing angst with his love of pretending to be the newly crowned Miss America.

10. If this is the flower girl, I'd hate to see the bride.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part XVI

Photo from the apologies-accepted-dot-com website

1. Mr. Bean's even more retarded and much less funny French cousin Monsieur Legume

2. "I feel Pretty/Oh so pretty..."

3. Five minutes later, Eddie Murphy pulled up and asked him if he needed a ride.

4. Most lefty parents won't let their off-spring leave home until they can successfully dress themselves, which explains both lefty fashion sense and why so many live in their parents' basements until well into their thirties.

5. Should I feel empathy for the daily agonies he suffers because of his gender confusion, or just a burning desire to beat the crap out of him. Oh, wait, he's French. dumb question.

6. The kind of person you never find working at Jiffy Lube

7. When I said I wanted to see something feminine and French in a tight sweater, this is not what I had in mind.

8. Why Mic is no longer allowed to teach Fourth Grade girls PhysEd.

9. While "The Soup Nazi" is legendary in the Pantheon of Minor Seinfeld characters, his colleague "The Au Bon Pain Collaborator" never quite achieved mythic status.

10. Mr Bean is Ed Wood in Glen or Glenda

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Canadian Moonbats Protest Bush

Ottawa. CANADA, December 01 -- Photo taken at a gathering of clueless left-wingers who blew off school or (not very likely) "work" to flirt, get stoned, and squeal idiotic slogans while deluding themselves that their childish tantrums actually achieve anything worthwhile or signify anything meaningful. Yes, it was an anti-Bush protest,More photos here

Hat tip: IDF Dave

BTW: If you want to do something that really is meaningful and worthwhile, support Isreali Defense Forces with pizza and soup and stuff:

1. University of Ottawa Mascot, "Ed, the Retarded Pothead Gopher," signs autographs before a curling match.

2. Wile E. Coyote had to learn the hard way that your face does not always recover its previous shape after being run over by a steamroller.

3. "Special Ed" signs autographs during the Canadian leg of the "Crank Yankers on Ice" tour.

4. "I have to sign a paternity waiver? Wow, do all retarded gopher plushies get this much action?"

5. "Ewww, gross, this isn't a 'Legalize Pot' petition, this is just a highly detailed log of your bowel movements."

6. "Sorry, babes, 'Louie the Crackhead Chipmunk' couldn't be here. He's doing a Shopping Mall opening in Sudbury... so he sent me instead. Any of you got some Dorito's?"

7. Wow, that guy must masturbate a lot.

8. "You know what they say, babes, once you've had gopher you... um, no, once you've had groundhog... um, once you've had muskrat... damn, what the hell am I supposed to be anyway?"

9. "It says, 'Weed is good for your beaver.'"

10. "So, Muskrat Sam... does Muskrat Suzie know about your little *puff puff* problem?"

Sorry Losers, Part XV

More frowny faces and dull-witted sentiments from sorryeverybody-dot-com...

1. For a moment, I was too overwhelmed by the glamor, beauty and eloquence of the left to make any captions.

2. "Dear Womyn, Sorry Ain't Gonna Cut It. Do you know how much waste and pollution is caused in the production of Birkenstocks? Did you tear off a piece of one of my beautiful trees to make that pathetic apology note? Why don't you get a job or something? (signed) Earth."

3. Look, I wouldn't go for the obvious lesbian captions, but how many women keep a framed schematic of the "Pleasure-Vibe 8000" on their wall?

4. "Well, ma, the reason Diane Keaton looks cute in glasses and a hat is because Diane Keaton isn't a horsey-faced skank like you."

5. "O.K., I support your right to free expression, but Dad, watching you put on make-up while whispering 'I'd f*ck me' just creeps me out."

6. "Mom, you always told me I was the result of a backstage tryst with Prince at his 1986 New Year's Eve show, but I did some checking and it turns out the opening act that night was Carrot Top. Care to amend your story?"

7. "So, what do you say later we hop on the broom and ride over to Cousin Endora's?"

8. "'Uncle Bruce' is right, dad. Neither one of us can accesorize for sh*t."

9. "Mom, if our apology to Gaia and our supplications to the Blood Moon Goddess still fail to get rid of my burning crotch rash, then can we go to a doctor?"

10. "So it is agreed. Tomorrow we shall kill everything that has testicles."

Tuesday, November 30, 2004


Canadian Bush-Haters protesting President Bush's Visit to Canada. (Mille fois merci to Paul Denton)

(Links have been added to help with some of the more obscure references)

1. (Obscure Reference Alert) There is a loud gunshot as the hippies are shot in the stomach. They crumple to the ground Voice Over: "This demonstrates the value of not being seen."

2. The opposite side of the sign reads, "Welcome Aliens, Beam us to the Mother Ship." Just in case.

3. One piece of litter on the entire lawn... and it's the hippies that threw it there.

4. Their protest was abandoned in panic when Don King's massive hairdo appeared on the horizon.

5. "Hey, Maude, this is exactly where those two victims were standing when I went up in the Bell Tower back in '64. Remember?"

6. "Look, Maude... in the sky... it really is raining men. Hallelujah!"

7. "George, I give you five points for using the sign to preserve your privacy, but I take away several hundred points for pissing on my Birkentocks."

8. "Hey, how much longer is this protest going to go on? Do you have any idea how dangerous it is to leave a meth lab unattended?"

9. "Nice of Svend Robinson to drop by our Protest. Hey, where's my watch?"

10. Canadians: The Jan Brady's of the International Community. ("It's always about America. America! America! America!")

Monday, November 29, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part XIV or Something

1. "Et Tu, Poppinfresh?"

2. "Sorry Bruce, the trick isn't into the horny sailor fantasy. Try the Mean Nurse outfit instead."

3. "I did MY part..." His part being third chorus boy in the San Francisco Gay Chorus rendition of HMS Pinafore.

4. "Bruce, I am so turned on. Now, to get me really hot, start tap-dancing and singing 'On the Good Ship Lollipop'..."

5. The cop, the construction worker, the leather man, and the Indian are also very, very sorry.

6. No one realized the depth of Bruce's obsession with the character of Mel Sharples from the 70's-era sitcom "Alice" until the police began recovering the bodies of skinny waitresses in pink outfits from his crawl-space. At his arraignment, he pleaded "Kiss my grits."

7. He's been bitter ever since Olive Oyl shaved her head and joined a 'Womyn's Poetry Collective.

8. So, the photographer places a bright lamp behind his subject. I guess that chapter of Photography for Dummies was a little over his head.

9. I always suspected the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man was a Democrat.

10. "Um... 'wish in one hand and crap in the other' is just an expression, you sick pig."

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Screech the Red (Another Sorry Loser)

1. After denouncing Zack to the local Kommissarr for counter-revolutionary activities, Screech became the leader of the 'Saved By the Bell' class, and forced Tiffany Amber-Thiessen to undergo revolutionary re-education.

2. "55,000,000 hero's ain't bad" and for Michael Moore, it's just a typical lunch at Subway.

3. This was the picture that won Oliver Stone's heart and secured Screech the coveted role of Jackie O in "JFK II"

4. Who knew Lenin had such comely, child-bearing hips.

5. "... and CNN News is now able to project a winner in the Berkeley City Council Election..."

6. Communist Screech says, "Idler, stop reading decadent captions. The glorious worker's revolution demands productivity!"

7. "I'm not Screech, you idiot, I'm k.d. lang!!"

8. Loser Haiku:
Soviet Union
Dead Since 1991
What an idiot

9. Due to a badly out-of-date misunderstanding of the term "Red State," the Kerry campaign sent this poor fellow to campaign in Texas. He was never seen again.

10. Bright colors. Classic Styles. Youthful models filled with Proletarian Vigor. It must be Commie Hilfiger.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Feel the Love

Posted in my direction at another forum:

VtheK, you spiteful little c-nt. At least I knew who (my father) was.

You prick. I hope you die old and lonely and knowing you were wrong all your life.

JVP, you're a f-cking asshole, a total wanker and a waste of time. I wish you nothing but a painful, lonely miserable life and a death that nobody notices. We all get what we deserve. Surrogate father? I wouldn't keep you for a pet. You presume to know people when you know nothing. You and your supporters like the pathetic loser VtheK make me want to vomit.


Sorry Losers, Part XI

1. Tim answers the age-old question, "How do you seat four gay men on one chair?"

2. Tim practices for the "fan participation segment" of the next NBA game.

3. Typical Democrat: He thinks he's making a profound political statement but to everyone else, he's just dull-wittedly playing with someone else's stool.

4. The fun part about being Tim's roommate was that when he was stoned, you could convince him that his chair was actuallya giant Tootsie pop, and he'd spend hours licking it and counting how many licks it took to get to the center..

5. Tim is still angry that "Seaty McChair's" provisional ballot was rejected.

6. I've got $150.00 says this guy knows exactly what bongwater tastes like.

7. Tim was not actually on drugs, or retarded. It just so happens he was up all night trying to talk his grandmother down from the roof, where she had her Depends on her head, and was insisting that she dry-cleaned FDR's wedding dress. So, cut him some slack.

8. "'How do you keep a sorry idiot busy for hours? (Turn Chair Over)' ... 'How do you keep a sorry idiot busy for hours? (Turn Chair Over)' ... 'How do you keep a sorry idiot busy for hours? (Turn Chair Over)'..."

9. Unable to cope with his heathen parents' choice of a zinfandel for Thanksgiving, Tim retreats to his room and spends hours stroking the smooth metal legs of his favorite chair until the pain goes away.

10. "Hey guys! Guess what I just figured out! If you cut a hole in a padded seat, you don't need no girlfriend!"

Monday, November 22, 2004

Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

U.S. President George W. Bush (C) walks to an APEC leaders group photo with Chilean President Ricardo Lagos (L) and Russian President Vladimir Putin in the Los Naranjos courtyard in Santiago, November 21, 2004,

1. "I'm... too sexy for my poncho/Too sexy for my poncho..."

2. "Wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is suffering, we'll be there. Wherever liberty is threatened, you will find... The Three Amigos!

3. "These ponchos just gave me another one of my brilliant ideas. Let's get Chirac in one of these get-ups, give him a 'fruit roll-up' and beat the crap out of him?"

4. 35 years ago, hippies dreamed of the day their leaders would understand them, wear long hair, dress like them, and be peaceful. This photo confirms what a bad idea this would be.

5. "Vlad, I'm uncomfortable enough in this poncho without you singing 'Close to You' Over and over again."

6. "Do you have anything here besides Mexican food?"

7. "In Soviet Russia, stupid, gay-looking poncho wears you."

8. "So, basically, the Incas were around for 1,400 years and the best they could come up with, technology-wise, was a blanket with a slit cut in it? No wonder Columbus kicked your asses."

9. "Putin, I swear to God, if you point out one more time that 'you could totally masturbate under this and nobody would know' I am going to kill you."
10. "(sigh) It's no use. I simply feel naked without pearls."

Friday, November 19, 2004

Sorry Losers Part X

1. Industrial Light and Morons.

2. Every day his wife thinks, “I married Luke Skywalker, when did he turn into Jabba the Hutt?”

3. Real Jedis do not have 4,000 empty Taco Bell carry out bags in their starfighters.

4. He used to refer to his unit as “The Magnificent Seven” until his wife pointed out it was more like a “Fantastic Four.”

5. This guy probably has a '92 minivan he calls the Millennium Falcon, a dog named Boba Fett, and refers to the 7-11 where he works as “The Death Star,” but his wife drew the line at her nickname, “Chewbacca.”

6. What is the Klingon word for “loser?”

7. Those are only a couple of the long, tubular, plastic toys that have kept their marriage together.

8. How do we Luke Skywalker was a democrat? He had issues with his father, had a thing for his sister, hung out in a bar with a bunch of flamboyant freaks, joined a phony New Age pseudo-religion, never had a real job, and spent way too much time playing with his sword.

9. About that “Jedi Mind Trick” you tried to influence the election, Obi Wan would have had enough sense to use a typewriter from the actual period of Bush’s National Guard service to create the memos instead of MS Word.

10. “Well, Honey, Bush won again. Looks like I won't be named 'Ambassador to Coruscant' after all. I guess it’s four more years of living in my parent’s rec room.”

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part IX

Yet another dejected loser from sorry-everybody-dot-com.

1. Still trying to figure out what happened? I'm guessing it started to go wrong the first time he cut math to smoke pot in the boys bathroom.

2. Doah would soon learn why “Bear Cubs in Distress” was the worst possible choice for a “Sounds of Nature” tape to take on a trip to Yellowstone.

3. “George W. Bush put me out of work and now I live at a rest area… OK, it was actually partly because of showing up to the plant drunk, punching the foreman in the throat, and having to leave the state to avoid child support payments… but mostly it was because of George W. Bush.”

4. Doah fancied himself a modern-day Thoreau, and the Rest-Stop on I-94 was his Walden. Of course, Thoreau didn’t have to put up with the g-dd-mned State Police. Public Intoxication, my ass. G-dd-mn Ashcroft.”

5. Somehow, this picture isn’t complete without “Dueling Banjos” and Ned Beatty squealing in the background.

6. Nice of the webmaster to crop out the toilet and replace it with a picnic scene, don’t you think.

7. “Hmm, maybe over there would be a good spot to bury the hitch-hiker I got in the coolers.”

8. DoahRat adheres to the letter of the restraining order and camps exactly 151 feet outside Al Franken’s door.

9. His hippie wife Rainbow approved of his technique for “natural organic lawn fertilization” but to his kids, it was a constant source of embarrassment.

10. Well, at least he can comfort himself with his Golden Cockring award from the International Mr. Leather Pageant. (Upper Left quadrant of photo)

Sorry Losers Part VIII

1. Oh, no! General Zod has escaped from the Phantom Zone... and shops at Adidas!

2. General Zod denies beating up Superman, Ben Affleck apologizes for Gigli, and Tony Shalhoub affectionately pats Affleck's butt.

3. Privately, General Zod was relieved about Kerry losing. As long as gay marriage remained illegal, he would not be force to choose between Ben's fabulous glutes and Tony's fabulous singing voice.

4. And by "Fight On," they mean lots of man-on-man action.

5. While General Zod keeps Ben Affleck distracted with a shiny object, Tony Shalhoub lifts his wallet.

6. Menage-a-twits.

7. "Hey, Tony and Zod, which word better describes my ass ... 'voracious' or 'insatiable'?"

8. Sorry Loser mad-libs: "We didn't Do anything to Your Goat. We meant to Do It after We tried giving each other malt liquor enemas but we got So Damn drunk. Sorry, but if it makes it up to you we will fight on Thursday night, lubed up with Wesson oil and wearing nothing but speedos and dorky "Ohio Idiot" hats.

9. "When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

10. The Blue Man Group's unsuccessful rip-off act, the Blue State Dorks

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Sorry Losers Part... What Are We Up to, VII?

1. "Not everyone in Ohio is an idiot." So, basically, it's just you then.

2. He voted Democrat because Kerry promised to make wedgies a hate crime.

3. He's sorry that not everyone in Ohio is an idiot? Is that supposed to be my take-away from this photo?

4. "V-e-e-e-e-r-r-r-y nice, sign, Ed. Now, take your pants off and sing 'I'm a little teapot.'" Miss Sullivan was one weird Special Ed Teacher.

5. Can you find the secret message in this photo? "But I am sick" is an anagram for "I stick a bum." Either he's confessing to murder or coming out of the closet. I'm really hoping it's murder.

6. Technically speaking, walking around with a gray powdered wig and proclaiming yourself "the High Lord Mayor of Akron" makes you a nut, not an idiot, but the point is well-taken.

7. Kevin Smith remakes "The Picture of Dorian Gray," except this version is set in Toledo, and Dorian stays cool and hip while his gif file becomes ever dorkier. Plus, there's lots of F-words.

8. OK, Ed, let's go over some of the reasons you're not getting any responses to your Yahoo Photo Personals Ad.

9. Chris Elliot never got over losing the lead role in Fargo to Frances McDormand.

10. So, Kerry was denied his rightful position as Lord of Space Unicorn People? I'm guessing your dosage is a little off there.

Sorry Losers, Part VI

1. I'm guessing HOMO in this case is an ancronym for Heroin-Oriented MOron

2. The cat seems to fear it is about to be buggered.

3. Looking at this photo, I'm having a major "It's Pat" moment.

4. Two members of KISS without their make-up. On the left, Gene Simmons. On the right, Peter Criss.

5. I liked it better when their signs just said "Will Work For Food." I know they didn't really mean it, but at least it had a certain dignity.

6. The cat's name is "Beaver," in case you're wondering.

7. "I'm as screwed up as you are..." provided the "you" in question is Margot Kidder coming off a three-week crystal meth and Tidy Bowl bender.

8. Got Heroin?

9. Difference between a lamp and any human being on Earth? She can turn on a lamp.

10. And the cat's just thinking, "I don't know whether the Hell it's a man or a woman either."

Monday, November 15, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part V

1. "Oh... the election... I thought we are talking about my erection.

2. Fat chicks and old geezers need love, too. They just have to pay for it.

3. Meaning, of course, she will continue to eat like a pig, and he will continue to avoid showering.

4. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a multi-state killing spree to tend to." (Thanks Beagle)

5. Gandalf would come to regret using sorcery to turn Rosie O'Donnell into a heterosexual.

6. Most frequently used words in their vocabulary: 5. This 4.Is 3.Really 2.Good. 1.Shit

7. Looks like all those absentee ballots from the dead drifters in the basement were a waste of time.

8. Kos and Wonkette, the Golden Years.

9. "Okay, picture time is over. That batch of crystal meth isn't going to cook itself."

10. "She so horny, she love you long time, twenty dollar."

Blairvis and Bushhead

"US President George W. Bush (L) and British Prime Minister Tony Blair walk to the East Room of the White House for a joint press conference 12 November 2004 (Photo credit BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

1. "Snogging ... well, it's a bit of slang, isn't it? Picture what Mr. Cheney was doing to Cokie Roberts when we walked in on them and you'll have the idea."

2. "This place has changed a lot since I visited during the Clinton Administration. That used to be George Stephanopoulus's office. I see someone has taken down the Mapplethorpe prints."

3. "The way it works is, you put in $2000, and then you get ten friends to join in and when you get to the top of the list, you get $20,000. You can't lose!"

4. "If you get a question from Helen Thomas, I'll give you five bucks to call her a 'demented fossil.'"

5. "So, Tony, what do you think of our shag carpeting? Get it? Shag carpeting? Come on, lighten up, baby. This is my scene, and it freaks me out! I thought all you guys talked like that."

6. "Oh, and if Bob Dole corners you and starts talking about erectile dysfunction, just give me this signal and one of my security detail will pretend you have a phone call."

7. "No, Tony, Laura and I haven't had marital relations since February. Ever since that Democrat fundraiser in New York, every time we try to get busy I picture Whoopi Goldberg's face staring out from her vagina... and who can get it up after that? Ted Danson, maybe, but not this cowboy."

8. "Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?"

9. "Well, now I'm going to have 'Funkytown' stuck in my head the whole bloody day. Thank you so bloody much."

10. "Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Bush. Damn Right."

On the March

Hezbollah "militants" march during a rally marking Jerusalem Day in Baalbek, eastern Lebanon, 12 November 2004.(Photo Credit: ANWAR AMRO/AFP/Getty Images)

1. "The camo means we're into military men, the yellow flags mean we're into watersports, and the white neckerchiefs mean we're all submissive."

2. "Girlfriend, I'd say those pants fail to camouflage the fact that your ass is as wide as a four-lane freeway. snap

3. "And anyone who tries to stop us is in for the Mother of All Hissy Fits."

4. "Hey-y-y-y-y, Macarena!"

5. Arab Culture's rigid conformity once again clashes with Rahim's desire to start a Village People cover band.

6. "Lift those knees high, girls... come on, Abdul, we know you can lift your ankles high enough."

7. "So, basically, instead of guns, we go into battle with yellow and white flags? This is the last time we take military training from the French."

8. "Don't worry, Scott Peterson. Hizballah will save you, you hot hunk of virile California manhood."

9."Damn it, this isn't Haifa, it's Pier 1 imports. Gimme the g-dd-mned map, Ahmed."

10. It's so hard to take an Army seriously when they can do an elegantly choreographed routine to ABBA's "Dancing Queen," but they can't carry rifles.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Dead. Dead. Dead. Yip. Yip. Yahoo.

A young Iranian boy protester wears mock explosives on his body during a rally to support Palestinians in Tehran Friday Nov. 12, 2004. (AP Photo/Hasan Sarbakhshian)

1. "Dad, maybe if you just asked Mr. Anderson for the table saw back, he'd give it to you. Do I have to blow up his entire family?"

2. "Dad said he loved me best, and that's why I get to blow up the... hey, wait a minute."

3. "Yeah, the kaffiyeh and bomb belt are pretty bad, but not as bad as when they make me wear the cocktail dress and f*ck me pumps."

4. "Cool. United just bumped me to first class and gave me 5,000 frequent flier miles. Thanks, ACLU."

5. "It still beats working for Kathy Lee Gifford."

6. "So, your fantasy is to combine a suicide bomber with a drum majorette? I hope you burn in hell, dad."

7. "Is that Arafat's dead, disembodied hand reaching for my crotch? Even in death he's still got it."

8. "Mr. Jackson only insists that I wear the veil in public. His Nation of Islam bodyguards suggested the explosives."

9. They warned Abdul that relationships on the rebound were doomed to fail, but he was determined to win over Governor McGreevey.

10. "Dorothy, you bitch, red tape on the dynamite and a green headband? Hello What were you thinking? Why not just wrap me in gold tinsel and call me a Christmas tree. If my girlfriends see me in this atrocity, they are going to take away all my princess points."

He's Dead. I'm Glad.

A Palestinian boy holds a poster of Palestinian President Yasser Arafat during the last Friday prayer of Ramadan in the West Bank city of Hebron November 12, 2004. (Nayef Hashlamoun/Reuters)

1. Hm, young boy surrounded by a bunch of bent over men... this has got to be Arafat's funeral.

2. The Pavlovian Reflex among all men who came of age under Arafat is to bend over and whimper expectantly at the mere sight of his image.

3. Arafat's will was very explicit. Every grown man in Palestine was to fart on his portrait while a young boy made kissy noises.

4. The winner of Arafat's "Best Kisser" contest shows off his souvernir plaque and kaffiyeh.

5. Scene from on of Arafat's favorite movies, Field of Reams. Tag-line, "If you bend over, he will come."

6. "Hey, I may only be nine years old, but even I know that 'Duck and Cover' isn't going to do sh*t when they drop the MOAB on us."

7. "... now, Arafat says, lick the dirt. Good, now bark like a dog. Ha! I didn't say Arafat says, you f*ckin' retards."

8. "Allah says you are very bad and need a spanking. (SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!). 20 dinars. Thank you. Next Customer. Allah says you are very bad and need a spanking...."

9. What's with the dudes in orange? Did the Fulton County jail send a delegation or something?

10. "Hey, Andrew Sullivan! Cut that out! Massaging your buttocks in such a manner is highly disrepectful to Allah."

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Third Queen of the Day

Source: This is London

1. "My other fantasy is to shove it into a big jar of mustard."

2. "So, Liz, did you ever see a movie called Basic Instinct?"

3. Snapped in the instant before he lifted his kilt and yelled "Woooooo!"

4. "Can we trade hats?"

5. You know, taunting the "We'll try not to suck anymore" guys is just plain cruel.

6. "Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury".

7. Urban legend: Genitalia, peanut butter, Scotsman. Variation: Queen of England, Corgis, battalion of Scottish highlanders. Status: Unconfirmed -

8. "Iraq was a nightmare... 14 weeks without Nair. Thank God I'm back in England."

9. "Do not touch Willy" Hmm, good advice.

10. "Screw you, I happen to be an immortal. I'll wave my genitals anywhere I please."

Theme of the Day: Butt Pirates in Purple and Black

Weird end of the season for Bill Maher who witnessed his own trainwreck of a show. It finished with uber-blogger Andrew Sullivan massaging his own ass for what seemed like an eternity during the credit roll. (pictured).

Hat tip: Andthenblammo and Dvorak Uncensored

1. "Well, I'll come back for next season's show, but I get to turn the stool upside down before I sit on it, deal?"

2. The way Andrew Sullivan grabs his ass whenever anyone says the word "Ashcroft" is just downright creepy.

3. "Well, if you blokes are too uptight, I'll just 'ave to play with me own arse."

4. "Look, I'm sorry, mates, but when your bum's been used more times than a toilet seat at a Grand Central Station, anal leakage becomes a real issue."

5. Hey, Sullivan, the Joker called. He wants his shirt back.

6. It's not Andrew's fault. He just read the name of the Teleprompter and got a little excited.

7. I don't want to say Andrew is a slut, but apparently his ass has its own cell phone.

8. "Hey, Andrew, 1994 called. They want their impression of Jim Carrey's talking ass back."

9. "In all honesty, Andrew, you are not too sexy for your ass."

10. "We tried to warn you, Andrew, hemorrhoids and Mexican food just don't mix, but did you listen? No-o-o-o-o."

Sorry Losers, Part IV

More from sorry-losers-dot-com

1. What? Bush lost the entire cross-dresser and pagan vote and still managed to win? How is this possible?

2. You had to stay up until 4:00 am on election night to see Dan Rather really lose it, but it was well worth the wait.

3. Eddie Murphy, your ride is here.

4. Once again, the PC mantra that "Everybody is a winner" is proven tragically wrong.

5. You know you're a bad transvestite when Courtney Love tells you you have no fashion sense.

6. Someone who was very disappointed to learn that the guys in the previous picture were going to try not to suck anymore.

7. He went on to add that he was sure if Joan Crawford were still alive, she would have added another vote to Kerry's 48%.

8. He's also sorry about having grown up with a domineering mother and a cold, distant father... but that's an entirely different issue.

9. Dated Dean, married Kerry, woke up with a rough trick named Renaldo.

10. "My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, and I would totally slap you for it if my nails were dry."

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Sorry Losers, Part III

(More from "Sorry losers dot com")

1. "Neil Gaiman Characters for Kerry" did not take the loss well.

2. Tim Burton tries to make amends.

3. She left out the comma. It was supposed to read. "I'm wicked, sorry. I'll make you all cookies." Oh, God, she's going to turn us into cookies!!!

4. No thanks on the cookies, if you could just try not to suck anymore, that would be fine.

5. Are cookies supposed to make you see magic green flying eyeballs?

6. Mary Kay LeTourneau acts out her 'Hansel and Gretel' fantasy.

7. As this CourtTV vidcap plainly shows, Martha Stewart blatantly tried to influence the jury by flashing messages when the judge wasn't looking.

8. Another reason to set your browser to block cookies.

9. I'm still trying to work out what it says in parantheses. I think it's, "I entered her wedge," whatever that's supposed to mean.

10. "... and by cookies, I mean windowpane."

Sorry Losers, Part II

Background: Some silly people have set up a website where hippies apologize for Bush winning. Sorryeverybody-dot-com, thus creating a target-rich environment.

1. Brian and Maureen had covering each other's farts down to a science.

2. Despite what Ashton and Demi would have you believe, inter-generational relationships are not pretty.

3. What she's thinking, "I need to get away from this whiny little bitch and get myself a big, rough, black stud."

4. What he's thinking. "I need to get away from this whiny little bitch and get myself a big, rough, black stud."

5. "Okay, you shits, ditch the 'deaf-mute' act and tell me who stole my stash!"

6. "Well, one of you soiled my waterbed, and I'm not returning your power of speech until one of you 'fesses up."

7. Mom had to promise Nigel a whole box of Froot Loops before he took his hands out of his pockets long enough to pose with the sign.

8. Miss Sullivan actually voted for Bush, but Nigel was one of her special students, and so she agreed to pose for the picture.

9. You know, I don't want to imply the guy in the picture is a complete moron, but it doesn't take a handwriting analyst to see the same person wrote both signs.

10. It took two hours for them to write out their signs. Betty kept sniffing the Marks-A-Lot until they dried out, and "Special Ed" kept using the wrong side of the markers.

Sorry Losers, Part I

1. "Well... maybe we'll try just a little more, just to make sure we don't like it."

2. Guilt-ridden ex-gays reach Step 10, apologize and make amends.

3. From now on, it's anal or nothing!

4. In the next photo, the butch on the right holds up a sign reading "And I will personally BEAT THIS TWINK's ASS for his insolance!"

5. The Kerry defeat is apparently not the only thing they find hard to swallow.

6. And we'll never vacation again in one of those awful red states with their gruff, aggressive, hillbillies, who hold you down, and tie you up, force you to get loaded up with moonshine, and then, when you're vulnerable, they force their sweaty, stinking bodies on you until... okay, maybe just one more trip to the Red States.

7. "Furthermore, our dorm room is seceding."

8. "Master, now that we have posed for the photo, may the slave loosen the chain on his neck before he passes out?"

9. "Hey, Rick, If I said you had a beautiful body would you take off your pants and dance a little?"

10. Adding the words "not" and "Any" to his new year's resolution enabled Rick to save a tree when it came to time to write a message for the photo.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Black Gloves and a Veil

A Palestinian woman flashes the victory sign in front of a poster of Corrupt, Psychopathic Pedophile Yasser Arafat during a demonstration in the West Bank city of Nablus, November 7, 2004. . REUTERS/Abed Omar Qusini

1. Elton John's new look went over well in France.
2. "... and then he whipped it out and it was two inches... tops... explains a lot, doesn't it?"
3. Mr. Slave dons traditional mourning robes and makes shadow pictures of things Arafat liked to shove up his ass.
4. The Gaza Playboy Lounge leaves a lot to be desired.
5. "Nyuck Nyuck Nyuck. Woooo Wooo Woooo."
6. Pavlovian Conditioning in Palestinian Areas is so strong that even a poster of Arafat causes passers-by to offer fingers to pull.
7. "I am death, and I have come to claim the soul of the one called 'Arafat.' What, you were expecting Norm MacDonald?"
8. That is not a 'victory sign' she can't freakin' breathe underneath that get-up and she's clawing for air.
9. Ah, the middle east, where feeling "not-so-fresh" is a way of life.
10. Michael Jackson makes his first public appearance since beating child molestation charges, simultaneously claiming victory and announcing his plans to do a politcally correct cover of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit."

Loving You... Is Easy Cos... You're Beautiful

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (R) embraces Cuban President Fidel Castro in Havana November 7, 2004. REUTERS/Cuban television

1. "You bastard! I am worth worth much more than a twenty!"
2. "Hey, you're not Santa."
3. "You're on my turf, bitch."
4. Ebert and Roper disagree violently on the relative merits of Dude, Where's My Penis? and The League of Extraodrinarily Hung Gentlemen
5. "Shixteen tequila fanny-bangers and you shtill don't look hot..."
6. "Normally, a lap dance is 200 pesos, but four you comrade..."
7. "Hey, amigo, what is this stain on your shirt?" Flick! Dumbass."
8. "Cough up my cock ring right now or I'm goin' in after it!"
9. "It's called foreplay. Try it, sometime, you insensitive prick!"
10. "So, you're the bastard who's been spamming my inbox with offers for V.I.@.G.R.@ and C!AL!S. I'm going to f**kin' kill you!!"

Friday, November 05, 2004

A Dead Man and His Jammies

1. The Make-a-Wish Foundation fulfilled Arafat's dream to recreate Madonna's "Material Girl" video, but came up a little shy on the hunky male chorus line part.

2. "Okay, which one of you hyenas would like to get on the chair with me and ride Chairman Arafat's Magic Lap elevator"

3. "Yasser is looking fabulous in custom-made french jammies with a zipper in the butt by LaCroix".

4. "It's a Palestinian Christmas tradition for young boys to drop their pants and sit on the Chairman's lap."

5. There's nothing wrong with Arafat. He always takes five guys with him when he uses the toilet.

6. "Okay, my grip is good, make a wish."

7. For Hallowe'en, Arafat apparently went as a condom.

8. "The Old Fart just loves watching plumbers at work... I think you can guess why."

9. "Okay, we were really hoping Kerry would win, but praise Allah, it is still funny watching Rather completely lose it."

10. "Only that sick old pervert would get turned on by somethingawful-dot-com"


Standing at his desk in the Oval Office, President George W. Bush receives a phone call from Democratic nominee John Kerry in which the Senator conceded defeat in the 2004 presidential election on November 3, 2004.(Eric Draper/The White House via Reuters )

1. "I got a man-date? Damn it, Rove, you know I don't swing that way. My man-date's not with Andrew Sullivan is it?"

2. "Hi Cokie... No, Dick's not here... Um, blue suit, white shirt, blue tie, and yourself? ... Crotchless panties and a garter?... kinda chilly for that, hope you're indoors."

3. "Hold on let me check... is there a Seymour Butts in here? Come on you guys, I wanna Seymour Butts."

4. "Barb, Jenna, I'm re-arranging the cabinet right now, can I call you back? What do you mean you only get one phone call?"

5. "Hello, Oval Office... What's that? ... 'Is the hit on Michael Moore still a go?' ... Uh, you want Cheney, let me transfer you."

6. "Hello, this is George W. Bush and I want four large pizzas with everything delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania... Damn, why do they always hang up."

7. "Hello, Batman? We need your help, caped crusader. The Joker just went Islamic and got himself a dirty nuke."

8. "No, we don't have 'Prince Albert in a Can', but Cheney's got a drifter named Leo tied up in the basement."

9. "I just want to hear some ABBA, lots and lots of ABBA. Don't make me issue an executive order on this!"

10. "Is this the Cocksucker residence? 121 Pussy Way? Zip Code 3212-Fuck You!!!"

Monday, November 01, 2004

Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil.

Network television news anchors Tom Brokaw (L), Dan Rather (C) and Peter Jennings look at the audience after a panel discussion during The New Yorker Festival, October 2, 2004. REUTERS/Alex Oliveira/The New Yorker

Hat tip: Frank IBC

1. "Shield your eyes... do not look directly at James Carville, it's like opening the Ark of the Covenant."

2. The three anchors had plenty of time to move out of the way of the charging Humveee, but their brains were paralyzed with hairspray.

3. It's the Truth... bright, shining, beautiful... shield your eyes look away lest we be turned into conservatives.

4. "Folks, we just don't have time for questions because Dan Rather's thorazine enema is just about to wear off and when that happens he's going to start masturbating like a deranged monkey."

5. ...But their awkward salutes did not impress the Being of Pure Light and Energy and it incinerated them.

6. "Jerry... Tom gets so drunk he can't get it up even with a Viagra-Cialis cocktail, Peter is a total skank, and Dan just likes me to hit him in the balls with a hammer and call him a 'bad, monkey-astronaut.'" TV NEWS ANCHOR GROUPIES, next on Springer.

7. "Wow, we always knew Cokie was limber, but Cheney must have glutes like Paul Hamm to hold that position."

8. "And that was the most drunk I ever got, your turn, Pete..."

9. "Dan just condemned Bush for failing to get the Castaways off Gilligan's Island. I was going to argue, but he's got a memo signed by the Skipper."

10. "So, on the topic of hummers from Barbara Walters, the votes are 1 for teeth in, 2 for teeth out."

Friday, October 29, 2004

Just Die Already!

Palestinian President Yasser Arafat (news - web sites) sits in a plane heading to France, October 29, 2004. (Hussein Hussein/Reuters)

1. "... and then Gisette here will lead the team in the tiny ship that will destroy the blockage in your colon. I'm sure your long relationship with Saddam has given you plenty of experience in having microscopic objects in your rectum."

2. "Yeah, you're right... it would be totally ironic if a bomb blew up the plane in midair."

3. "Let's see... three of us... one of whom is sick and on his deathbed... I think they'd surrender in two days... three tops."

4. "I see England/I see France/I see an aged, decrepit, psychopathic pedophile with a penchant for buggery and BO of feedlot proportions."

5. "So, are you in the Mile-High-Club? Damn! Okay, are you in the mile high sodomized with an AK-47 club? Damn! Okay, are you in the mile high sodomized with an AK-47 while blitzed on horse tranq wearing a soiled bridal garter on your head club? Damn..."

6. "... and, per your request, your in-flight movie will be Barely Legal Butt-Slammers IX."

7. "The Zionist media fell for the cover story perfectly. Now, divert this plane to Sweden, for the Chairman's operation, and Allah help you if he does not look exactly like Hillary Duff when we are finished."

8. "... and when we get to France, I'm going to shove a baguette up your poop chute and then force you to eat it. How do you like that, Mr. Slave?" "Jethuth Chritht."

9. "The pajamas were just for show. Normally, all he wears to bed is a butt-plug and a pair of nipple clamps."

10. "Corrupt Dictator Airlines welcomes you to France, and hopes the next time your plans include theft of foreign aid and brutal human rights violations, you'll think of us."

Die Die Why Won't You Just Freakin' Die Already!!!!

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat (news - web sites) blows a kiss as he leaves a Jordanian military helicopter upon arrival in Amman, Jordan, Friday Oct. 29. 2004. (AP Photo/Petra)

1. "Oh. I never should have shoved all those poor animals up my ass."

2. "Just give me a cough syrup enema, you said. I'll be fine, you said..."

3. "All right, I'll lube up my forearm with Vaseline and we'll play 'ventriloquist' one more time, but then you have to go to the hospital, okay?"

4. "And when I get really nervous, I put my fingers in my armpits, and then I smell them, like this."

5. "Syphilitic Dementia again? Okay, who are you this time, Greta Garbo or Evita Peron?"

6. "Oh, I can't take you any place, you drunken slut. Now stop flirting with Muqtada and let's get you home."

7."He's delusional... he keeps calling me 'Robin,' saying 'to the bat cave,' and proposing to whip my tender ass to a rosy red glow with his utility belt."

8. "His 'Depends' would take this inopportune moment to fail. Oh, look, a swarm is already forming to collect his Holy feces. I love the French.

9. Who would have thought a cancer-ravaged colon would actually improve his smell.

10. The spirits of all those you've killed are gathering to claim vengeance. See you in Hell, you demented, psychopathic bastard.