Friday, June 28, 2013

Star Witless

Rachel Jenatalia

Threadwinner: champaignken The trial ground to a halt when it was learned that Barbara Billingsley had died and there was no one available to translate jive into English.

Best of kg  'Hooked on Phonics - Cursive edition' announces new spokeswoman.
Best of ??? "I've licked my lips more than a '70s pron star at this man, and he still hasn't asked me out on a date after the trial. Doesn't he realize that I want to be the cheese that's spread on top of that crazy ass cracker?"

Best of GregMan  Leagle Beagle: "With your honor's permission, may I put this grey plastic bag over the witnesse's head and smother her?" Judge: "Granted!"

Best of Kaptain Krude  "I still don't get it. Why is it funny that a porn star would sue over a rear-end collision? Collision... that's a funny-sounding word. Collision collision collision collision. Wait! How do you get the word 'collision' out of the word 'collide'? Wouldn't it be 'collidion'? Collidy...no, collidee...no, col...ah, maybe I'll just ask this cracker over here. Crackers know everything. He's creepy, though. Creepy-ass cracker. Man, cracker is a funny word, too... But now I'm getting hungry. I sure could go for a plate of pancakes."

Best of ColoradoPatriot  "Your Honor, allow me to submit as evidence this douchebag which is virtually identical to the press coverage of this incident up to this point."

Best of Jay Guevara  "I'll just be taking this Mensa application form, which we obviously won't be needing."

Best of Submariner  So what, EXACTLY, does wet grass sound like?


28 comments:

curly said...

"...and is this your diaphragm, marked EXHIBIT A?"

kg said...

'Hooked on Phonics - Cursive edition' announces new spokeswoman.

Anonymous said...

"I've licked my lips more than a '70s pron star at this man, and he still hasn't asked me out on a date after the trial. Doesn't he realize that I want to be the cheese that's spread on top of that crazy ass cracker?"

Anonymous said...

The ghost of Racialists Past offers a facial tissue to console Rachel Stooge for her embarrassing solidarity.

Anonymous said...

She looked sad, not because the defense shredded her credibility, but its lawyer had pulled out the rolling papers she had stuffed in to enhance her and her bra's testimony.

Anonymous said...

After hearing her Obama rice bowl would be dented in coming economic reckoning, the L.I.V. placed it atop her impenetrable head for safe keeping.

Anonymous said...

This free trial of special programming has been brought to you in part by "The 1st 48," The Color of Chains, the National Corpse of Public Broadcasting, and misused funds from tax-paying chumps like you.

GregMan said...

Leagle Beagle: "With your honor's permission, may I put this grey plastic bag over the witnesse's head and smother her?"

Judge: "Granted!"

GregMan said...

La'dumb'ya Thought Bubble: " "

Kaptain Krude said...

"I still don't get it. Why is it funny that a porn star would sue over a rear-end collision? Collision... that's a funny-sounding word. Collision collision collision collision. Wait! How do you get the word 'collision' out of the word 'collide'? Wouldn't it be 'collidion'? Collidy...no, collidee...no, col...ah, maybe I'll just ask this cracker over here. Crackers know everything. He's creepy, though. Creepy-ass cracker. Man, cracker is a funny word, too... But now I'm getting hungry. I sure could go for a plate of pancakes."

Joshua said...

ADHE: After Dawn's Head Exploded

Anonymous said...

So is 'Jenatalia' pronounced the same as 'genitalia'?

jimmy said...

Actually, the only reason she's upset is because the judge made her turn off her cell phone.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Yowsa, Tray done been calling me every night since he beat Mista Z up and got shot dead. I hear dead people. Wait, did I say that out loud? I be grievin, don't pay me no nevermind.

-OR-

So, you're saying this bag contained the weed Trayvon asked you to hold so there was no reason for him to be afraid of being caught? Where is the weed, Miss Jeantel?
Uhhhhhhhmmmm.... Ax me that again?

-OR-

Jane Goodall breathes a sigh of relief after another silverback is spotted in Florida.

prince of leaves said...

America, 2023: Thanks to the new Justice Helmet™ (Pat. Pend.), witnesses can simply interface with the courtroom holo-display and download testimony direct from their hippocampus.

metalgarth said...

wookie defense:ur doin it rong

Joshua said...

"And what, exactly, is an 'ass cracker'?"

Carpe Phlogiston said...

I believe an "ass cracker" is a neegro dumb enough to pop the butt closure on her trunk. Looks like she'd have a lot of junk in the trunk.

The home invading slimebag animal Shawn Curtis who recently attacked a Jersey mother inside her own home is an ass cracker. Hopefully, his butt closure will be popped early and often for the next 50 years.

Anonymous said...

Disclaimer:

The Boa of Invisibility™ does not conceal bald-faced lies.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Now, Ms. Waxy Hair, you say you found this scrawled murder confession by Mr. Zimmerman in the grass while you were building a memorial to your slain boyfriend out of empty McDonald's french fry containers?
Yessah, dat's where I's finds it.
Why is it in your handwriting?
It is? Oooopsie.

ColoradoPatriot said...

"Your Honor, allow me to submit as evidence this douchebag which is virtually identical to the press coverage of this incident up to this point."

champaignken said...

The trial ground to a halt when it was learned that Barbara Billingsley had died and there was no one available to translate jive into English.

Dr. Doom said...

The day that everyone learned where Rachel would be when her laxative kicked in...

Jay Guevara said...

"I'll just be taking this Mensa application form, which we obviously won't be needing."

Steve O said...

"Ma'am, would you say that you would be highly educated, moderately educated, barely educated, semi-conscious, or retarded."

Steve O said...

"If you had to say what it is that you are, that white people don't understand about you, what would that be?"

Submariner said...

So what, EXACTLY, does grass sound like?

Submariner said...

"So you CAN identify this used douche bag as yours? If you were as stoned/drunk as your tweets indicate, how can you be sure?"
OBJECTION! The witless' sobriety has no impact on her ability to know that the grass sound she heard on the phone was made by Tayvon buying Skittles!