Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Once You See It, You Cannot Unsee It



1. Robert Reich prepares for a dip in his pool.

2. "I'm a midget with a plastic wading pool in a thong; yet I still have more dignity than Joe Scarborough."

3. The clown was not the worst thing to show up at Timmy's sixth birthday party.

4. Keith Olbermann's pool boy was a sad reminder of happier times.

5. I kinda like this new human zoo thing. Especially the Dwarf exhibit.


Best of chronos the wonder pig
Man Country has sure gone downhill since Obama & Rahm left........

Best of dadoctah
Right about now, Chelsea Handler is on her thirty-seventh consecutive orgasm....

Best of champaignken
What the Oompa Loompas do on their days off.

Best of metalgarth
Some of the Ewoks led pretty normal lives after the battle of Endor

Best of Submariner
ManBearPig got very upset with his CubPiglet for wasting the water. How could he NOT know that it would just boil off due to the global warming?!?

Meanwhile, Back in my Subconscious


1. Can't sleep, clown will f-ck me roughly.
2. Shallow Hal went completely mad shortly after his interview with Keith Olbermann.
3. Norbert the Assclown, official mascot of the White House Correspondents Dinner.
4. "Cast James Woods to play John Wayne Gacy, you said. What could go wrong, you said. 34 dead teenagers later..."
5. Tamerlan Tsarnaev's decent into jihad started when this guy was hired as the party clown on his sixth birthday.


Best of GregMan
I see PMSNBC is interviewing for new prime-time hosts.

Best of GregMan
People were generally OK with Jason Collins announcing he was gay, but nothing could prepare them for the horror when rodeo clowns began "coming out".

Best of Rodney Dill
That'll teach Biden to fall asleep in an Oval Office meeting.

Best of metalgarth
Yes, I am employed by the "Ding a Ling Brothers" circus. Why do you ask?

Best of blue
another one that belongs in the category 'ass clowns'

Best of dadoctah
And this, ladies and genitals, is why I don't eat at Jack in the Box.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
What's really scary about this photo is that yesterday his eyes were closed.

Best of Submariner
You think THIS is pervese, eh? It's NOTHING!
On weeknights I'm a fill-in MSNBC anchor and on weekends, I'm a SFPD Dispatcher!

Best of Submariner
A bit over-dressed for the Master of Ceremonies at our next DNC Convention, don't you think?

Best of DaveP.
Karl Rove's true personality asserts itself.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Jason Collins Comes Out

... and Schneider has just the image for it.




Best of blue
"Kobe, I'm open........"

Best of Joshua
Roughly 90% of WNBA players are lesbians and not one of them has ever received a phone call from Obama. Why does Obama hate lesbians? #waronwomen

Assclowns

Brender


How does a banal, condescending, mediocrity like Rachel Maddow become known as 'the smart one' on MSDNC? By standing next to these assclowns.


1. "Sarah Palin called us assclowns, but it doesn't matter because she's irrelevant. The fact that her Twitter followers outnumber our combined audience means nothing!"

2. "Matthews, is that a half pack of Mentos in your pocket, or are you as happy to see me as you can get at your age?"

3. "Al, you really put the hustler into 'race-hustler.'"

4. "Al, sometimes I wish Obama had left me to die at Benghazi. It would have been beautiful, in a way..."

5. "Sorry for humping your leg, Al. Thought you were Obama. All you people look alike to me."


Best of Double the U
Worst remake of "Ebony and Ivory" EVER!

Best of Submariner
"...and I will hug him, and squeeze him, and call him Race Whore!"

Best of Submariner
Sorry, Al; you're about to feel a "trickle of thrill" down your leg...

Best of dadoctah
Tim Reid and Tom Dreesen have, surprisingly, not let themselves go much at all.

Best of Double the U
Wow, a dwarf in a kiddie pool, a sadomasochistic gay clown and a small black man, this is the best birthday ever!

Friday, April 26, 2013

Please Freeze That Way; "O" Face Friday



1. "It's twoo! It's twoo!"

2. Barbara Bush: "I've known Cleavon Little. I've bedded Cleavon Little. You, sir, are no Cleavon Little."

3. And the highlight of the Bush Library dedication was when Rachel Maddow and Hillary whipped 'em out to see who was bigger.

4. Babs: "Cram it down, SCOAMF, We've all seen Clinton do the Aristocrats joke before."

5. Two reactions to M'Chel's legendary fashion sense. Babs: "Are crotchless gowns a thing these days?"


Threadwinner dadoctah
Rivalry between the Uncle Ben's and Quaker Oats mascots reached fever pitch this week....




Best of Submariner
The Library dedication highlight for most was when 41 and 43 showed how Dana Perino got the nickname "DP."
Some were less amused than others...

Best of champaignken
ORA: Good evening, President. Sorry about the "Up yours, nigg*r". Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It's a rare moment indeed when the laxatives kick in simultaneously.

Best of dadoctah
Miss Daisy's holding up pretty well, considering. Hoke, not so much.

Best of prince of leaves
"A Tea Party president?" exclaimed both, simultaneously, with equal incredulity and horror.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Bamster learns not to sit down wind of Mrs. Bush the hard way...


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Too Big for the Stinger

Divine Miss M


Life in the Blue States

Brender

1. The Safe School Czar addresses the SFPD.

2. Why I am pro-bullying; society would be better off if some people hanged themselves in high school.

3. "... And my first act as San Frnacisco police chief... fabulous new uniforms! Think... buttless leather chaps and pearls."

4. "And as the Official Episcopal Chaplain of the San Francisco Police Department, I am here to proclaim that America Sucks!"

5. "As the new Police Chief of San Francisco, I am proud to announce an aggressive new safety program that will put a policeman in every elementary and middle school boys bathrroom."



Best of Rodney Dill
Pelosi finally as one... er two... or thirty Botox treatments too many.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
whispered in the back line: "Remember, only you can help me hide the body......."

Best of Submariner
So it's unanimous, then? This is this year's City Worker uniform for the Folsom Street Fair.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Zombie Wraith coven has enjoyed a long history of close cooperation with the SFPD. Together, we shut down 9 phony blood drives and solved 31 missing limbs cases in 2012!

Best of metalgarth
Jerry 'Moonbeam' Brown would live to regret making Sith Lords a protected minority.

Monday, April 22, 2013

OCD World Champion


Dingbat Musician Pens Ode to Boston Bomber

She's a Nitwit

1. Amanda Palmer drowned today during an unexpected rainstorm.

2. Don Ho wants his ukelele back. Bagger Vance wants his hat back. Marcia Wallace wants her face back. Nancy Pelosi wants her blank-eyed stare of complete and permanent stupidity back.

3. A facial expression not often seen outside of a Stroke Ward.

4. "Dippy Chick" will never be as popular as Grumpy Cat.

5. If stupidity hurt, she would have OD'd on Oxycontin a long time ago.



Best of  Kaptain Krude
"Aiiieee! Gojira!"

Best of Rodney Dill
I think she found her G-chord

Best of Submariner
Still trying to decide if you want to spit or swallow from your date last week, eh Amanda?

Best of dadoctah
I'd still do her. But I doubt she'd actually be aware of it.

Best of Dactyl
What's so funny? All of Jeff Dunham's dummies look like that when his hand isn't up their asses.

Some Bombers Are More Equal Than Others

Sondrakistan

(ORA?)

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Flash forward 20 years:
Professor Dzhokhar Tsarnaev holding the prestigious Willian Ayers Black Panther Party chair at Yale, reminisces about his youth......

Best of Submariner
Just when M'Chel was finally proud of Boston, they went and caught him...

Best of blue
if Obama had a white son.....



SCOAMF Wide Stance

Brender

1. "C'mon, Holder, I can always count on you for a 'harrumph!'"
2. "Um, yeah, it would be great if you could, um, come in to work on Saturday, yeah..."
3. "So, we're five years in, and some of the private sector still exists. WTF?"
4. "So, Chris Matthews sent me this thing called a 'Rim Chair' and a box of chocolate roses... send him a nice thank you note."
5. "I don't care if it is the 'unclean hand,' you will kiss it, and you will like it."


Best of GregMan
"No, see, Frank Marshall Davis used to make me spread my legs like this, then he'd..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In the Scratch-Off Lotto Situation Room
We've told you before, Eric, when you buy the tickets, you cannot buy one just for yourself, you filthy cheat. Now hand them all over else I'll have 'Chel whack you upside your nappy head with a shovel.

Best of blue
"So, how about we say that Tamerlan was really a CIA agent who had infiltrated Al-Quidea and some gun-slinging yahoo racist cop didn't get the word....."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Gentlemen, we have to protect our phoney baloney jobs!"

Best of Submariner
"...the same thing we do EVERY day, Twinky; try to take over the free world!"

Best of jimmy
"Hey, whitie--how'd that broad get in here?""

Friday, April 19, 2013

And you are outta here!





Best of GregMan
Somewhere, a democrat is saying "Dammit, there goes another Obama voter!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
but, but, they were wearing hoodies.....

Best of Dactyl
That guy must really love his driveway.

Monkeybone Motorboat



1. "This is mine! This is where my babies are fed from."

2. In Hollywood news, Robin Williams's mistress filed a multi-million dollar paternity suit today.

3. Damn! Koko was hoping there was a kitten in there.



Best of metalgarth
Gwyneth Paltrow has sure lowered her standards about who gets to 2nd base.

Best of dadoctah
Even as an undergrad, Jane Goodall was a slut....

Best of Dactyl
Somebody tell Al Franken that he can stop looking for 'missing' votes.

Best of Submariner
Later in life, dub would be able to point to the exact moment when his obsession with boy-shaped women started.



Ha


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Thursday's Warm-Up Act


Boogie Down Productions

Brender

1. At the last White House Party, M'Chel shook her booty so hard her wig came off. In related news, earthquakes were reported from Iran to Oklahoma. 

2. T-Mobile makes a pitch for the 'urban' consumer. 

3. In a never before broadcast episode of the Flip Wilson Show,  Zombie Geraldine soon ate the brains of the Four Tops.

4. After recording Commander Sisko's cross-dressing, Motown holosuite program, Quark knew he had hit blackmail jackpot. (Dabo?)

5. Hosting the first African-American, gay, polygamous wedding was a highlight of the 2016 DNC Convention. 

Kim and Friends

Brender


1. "And all of these children will soon be 'prepared' for a very special visit by the former Secretary of State of the USA..."

2. "Like my kicky scarf? Dennis Rodman borrowed it to me."

3. Kim Jong Un pays a visit to a local cannon fodder farm Elementary school.

4. Kim Jong Un reflects on the lack of a Second Amendment in North Korea, and smiles, and smiles.

5. Thanks to Thailand's progressive age-of-consent laws, Ang Lee's remake of 'Dune,' featured Baron Harkonnnen's orgies in more graphic detail than ever before.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

This Pic Is Offensive in India


1. Making deliveries to the Kennedy Compound.

2. Hillary 2016 used a more aggressive approach to dealing with "Lesbo Eruptions." 

3. "Whore abductions" usually are just custody disputes among pimps. 

4. Disposal is an issued when Hef's harem girls "Age Out." 

5. Always wise to keep a spare in the boot. 

One of the "Take On Me" Guys is Down!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Mika Brzezinski and Andrea Mitchell relax backstage at MSDNC




Best of Silhouette
The Shaggy DAR

Best of Rodney Dill
The American Hooker Spaniel

Best of dadoctah
What the rest of the world thinks of the Kardashians.

Threadwinner prince of leaves
Michael Vick's recurring nightmare.

Best of Submariner
"Iron my shirts, b!tch.

I Love You, Little Golden Jar of Urine





Best of GregMan
"All I need now is a crucifix and an NEA grant!"

Best of GregMan
There were advantages to living near Chernobyl, such as being able to use jars of glow-in-the-dark pee as outdoor bug lights.

Best of Rodney Dill
...Hey, I got an idea... This is the perfect place for Maplethorpe's balls.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Obamalamacare's Pregnancy Test: Pee in jar, wait about 9 months.

Best of dadoctah
New service on Kickstarter for people facing random drug tests.

Best of prince of leaves
"Why does this apple juice smell like asparagus?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
So, you don't want to see feminist's naked bodies, eh? Well, I've got something here that will remove that vision from your eyes! And it will only cost you... Hey hey, no pushing! I've got enough for all.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Ugliest Moobs I have ever seen



1. "No, ma'am, I don't want *any* of your Bradley Manning.

2. "I got kicked out of Thatcher Death Hate Street Party. Fortunately, the Manning people have even lower standards."

3. I have never been less heterosexual.



Best of Dactyl
This is why he'll plead no contest.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hell yeah I'm gonna sue! The butcher promised me the Liz Cuthberts but when I woke up, these Hogettes were taking up half my bed and he's blaming it on sequestration!

Best of prince of leaves
"I don't know officer...I was minding my own business, staggering-I-mean-walking home from the bar past the Occupy encampment, and the next thing I know I wake up in a filthy tent, wearing a strange man's clothing, with writing on my chest!"

Best of prince of leaves
Maude saw cosmic significance in the fact that her "Free Bradley Manning" tattoo originally said "Fire Richard Nixon" before time and gravity took their toll.

Best of Dr. Doom
It is nice to see that even in retirement Helen Thomas is still hanging in there and pandering for relevance...

...forgive me - low hanging fruit... etc. etc.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Excuse me, has anyone seen my self-respect? I lost my self-respect around here somewhere. Please help me find my self-respect.

Best of metalgarth
Either Jaclyn Smith has really let herself go or Rosie O'Donnell is trying to get in shape...

Best of Double the U
It is good to know that no matter what country, no matter what political alignment, and no matter where he is, a true man will always say, "Dear gawd woman put some clothes on."

Best of Submariner
At the reveal, Kuato's ugly twin, Bradly Manning, was usually kept under wraps because having two is just plain wierd...

Best of GregMan
Breast Augmentation under Obamacare was about what you'd expect.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Hey, Putin, Look at My Tits!


1. Putin: "Nyet Thank You, I just ate."
2. Putin: "All I did was ask what aisle the butt-wipes were in."
3. Putin, Merkel, and Ilsa: She-Wolf of the SS show their 'O' faces.
4. It wasn't really about Putin, she just had to check out that fabulous piece of 1970's abstract sh-t art.
5. Merkel: "Back off, bitch. Don't you dare get your whoresweat on my Hillary hand-me-down pantsuit."


Best of GregMan
Putin immediately regretted having invited Sandra Fluke too visit Russia.

Best of Double the U
It is good to know that no matter what country, no matter what political alignment, and no matter where he is, a true man will always say, "Hey! Look at the tits!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Putin thinks $10 dollar whores are too expensive, instead opting for 8-bit hookers.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"Excuse me, ma'am, the marker on your back seems to be wiping off."

Best of prince of leaves
The group "duckface" shoot was going swell, until a sorority bar-slut in the audience took umbrage to them stealing her gimmick.

Best of prince of leaves
An outraged Ukranian protestor demands compensation from Russia for her tragic Chernobyl-related skin condition.

Best of Rodney Dill
"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or it gets Gulag again."

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

Whole Hog



1. 'The Facts of Life' reunion special.
2. "Good morning metaphors for America's bloated social programs. You were also trim and desirable once."
3. 98% of men would *still* rather watch these hogs cavort in bikinis than 'The View.'
4. The global wax shortage crisis deepened after they all went out for 'Brazilians.'
5. In case you were wondering what happened to dub. They ate him.


Best of Submariner
This was the only suicide note that dub left, right?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Are you girls tons of fun?"
"She is!!!!'

Best of Steve O
When a terrorist imagines his 72 virgins, do you think he considers why they might still be virgins to begin with?

Best of racerboy
Does eye bleach come in a tanker-truck size?

Best of Jack Reacher
...and then Dub ran screaming into Dawn's arms, and at the Old Navy, their heads exploded. It was sweet.

Best of prince of leaves
You're just intimidated by strong, bold women who are comfortable in their beautiful non-traditional body shapes.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Talk about cruel and inhumane... Dictator for Life Putin's Draconian punishment for the Pussy Riot girls involved force-feeding them potatoes and suet during their imprisonment.

Best of Rodney Dill
...this is all because Bloomberg failed.

Best of Artfldgr
Feminists never quite understood why their new poster just didnt work...

Best of Artfldgr
NASA called, can you please stand farther apart, your making the planet wobble more than usual

Best of Artfldgr
ReRun's love children...

Monday, April 08, 2013

Meanwhile, Back in Batsh-tcrazystan


1. "And how long until my Orgasmatron is fully operational?"

2. Achmadinnerjacket visits a dairy farm near Appleton, WI and pronounces it "Impressively Jew-Free."

3. "When that woman sat down to milk the cow I caught a brief flash of her ankle. Have the slut stoned to death."

4. "Welcome to the Josef Mengele Memorial Children's Hospital, Mr. President."

5. So, a yellow hanky in his left pocket means he's submissive and into watersports? 


Best of dadoctah
Davros inspects the first-generation Daleks off the assembly line.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Fashion Designer: Our new line of stainless steel hijabs guarantee that no man will ever see a woman's face again!
Bearded Retard: Smart! Sure beats those blurry modesty glasses ultra-orthodox jews are wearing this season. Have you tried a pair? Only $59.95 at Lenscrafters, but I nearly stepped off a balcony.

Best of prince of leaves
"Well, sir, we figured as long as we were resurrecting the Mahdi, we might as well go all the way and make a clone army from Him..."

Best of prince of leaves
"So you say these vessels shall transport us to Yuggoth in comfort and safety? They look a little cramped to me."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Now all I need is the Illudium pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator."

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble: "That fitting looks like my member would fit..."
Imadumbjihadist; "So, Reza, at what volume does this milking machine shut off?"
ReZa: "We have it set at 2 quarts."
Imadumbjihadist; "Everyone; leave the room!"

Best of  Submariner
"...and this is where you keep the frozen camel semen, eh, Ahmed?"

Best of Jack Reacher
ORA: "Hmm, sounds like a Pepsi Syndrome situation to me."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"We'll just label these FleshLights as "Normal Size", export them to the USA, & they will cower in shame....."

The Walking Dead



1. The makers of "Oops, I crapped my pants," brand adult diapers knew they had found their new spokesman.

2. During the Zombie Apocalypse, the transition to undead walker was an easy one for some people.

3. John McCain is appalled to see fellow Republicans standing up for the Constitution and trying to do the right thing for the country.

4. "Holy sh-t! Liberace was GAY?" Reality catches up to Sen. McCain in fits and starts.

5. Derp!


Best of Double the U
Yeah John we have the same reaction whenever Meghan says anything.

Best of GregMan
Senator McAged shows off his "O" face and frightens half of the Senate into resigning immediately.

Which, come to think of it, isn't such a bad thing...

Best of dadoctah
Macaulay Culkin has really let himself go.

Best of Double the U
Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama and Rosa Delauro went streaking through the halls of congress.

Best of metalgarth
You mean to tell me that VtheK makes fun of RINOs and conservatives when the circumstances warrant it?

Best of prince of leaves
"Brrrrooooooaaaaaoooowwwwww!" McCain sees Rand Paul across the hall and instinctively yelps the RINO Pod People warning screech.

Best of Submariner
"We've replaced Senator McCain's nitro pills with Tic Tacs. Let's see if he notices..."

Best of Rodney Dill
McCain never did again order the El Chorizo en fuego

Saturday, April 06, 2013

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Tall Blue Pointy Hats


Brender


1. The Blue Klux Klan were a little more demonstrative than other hate groups.

2.The merger of the Ku Klux Klan and the Blue Man Group was welcomed by investors from both sides.

3. "There, there, V... just because one a--hole thought the 'knickers' caption from last week was racist doesn't mean it's the end of the world."

4. "OK, now turn on the spotlight, this  is going to be the greatest bunny shadow puppet of all time."

5. "Gay marriage is a reality! I am so happy!" "Hmmm, I am vaguely unsatisfied. Is there anything *else* we can do to stick it to Christians?"



Best of Submariner
Jeremy hated delivering Madonna's dry cleaning after a concert...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Lou, we've got to stop meeting like this. People are beginning to stare.

Best of Dr. Doom
"the butt wipes are on aisle ten", whispered Carl, "Pass it down..."

Best of jimmy
Two of Madonna's die-hard fanboys pay homage to her tour costumes while making out in the line for tickets.

Best of Elrod
ORA: Mind your manners, boy, I've got a tall pointy hat. Status, son! You can argue with me, but you can't argue with status!

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

Closing Out Twink Tuesday


Friends Call Him "Glitter Thong"


"I think I'm going to kill myself" 

1. When Harry Reid's catamites get too old to hold his interest, he puts them to work in the Senate laundry room.

2. Hiring young prostitwinks to iron her shirts was one of Hillary's secret fetishes.

3. Talk about yer Gold Nuggets.


Nuttier Than a Squirrel's Feces



Monday, April 01, 2013

For April 1, I decided to write serious captions.

Brender

1. The POTUS meets the lovely Miss Israel, but he is not interested in her because he is a homosexual. 

2. The POTUS meets the lovely Miss Israel. Her name is Titi. "Titi" is very close to "Titties." 

3. The POTUS meets the lovely Miss Israel while an elderly man attempts to fondle her right breast. 

4. The POTUS meets the lovely Miss Israel. That is her hair stacked on top of her head. She is not an alien. 

5. The POTUS meets the lovely Miss Israel. Unlike the FLOTUS, she will never be mistaken for a Klingon transvestite.


Best of Double the U
Amazingly enough he didn't bow but he was very giddy and told her how much of a fan of "The Facts of Life" he was.

Best of GregMan
The POTUS meets the lovely Miss Israel and thinks, "So that's what an ATTRACTIVE black woman looks like!"

Best of Submariner
I'm flattered by your proposition Miss Israel, but we BOTH know that you're no Frank Marshall Davis...

Best of  prince of leaves
"That's it...[click!]...perfect! The Klingon sees this shot in the papers and she'll be gone for another month of vacation to 'punish' me."

Best of prince of leaves
"If I had a (female) mistress, she'd look just like you."

Best of Dactyl
Inauguration Day, 2040: newly elected president Malia Obama-Bieber is greeted by former presidents Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

GRRRRR!


"I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself" 



Best of Submariner
GWAR does Easter...

Threadwinner: prince of leaves
Rodrigo's costume was the shoo-in winner for the Easter pageant - had the street kids not mistaken him for a pinata and beat him to death on his way to the church.

Best of prince of leaves
"THIS...IS...MANILA!!!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Grr..they are out of butt wipes and paper towels...I guess I'll have to use bread."