Friday, May 31, 2013

"He who writes upon these walls..."



1. "For a good time call... dang, what is Ted Cruz's number again?"
2. "What's this say? 'Blame the Jews!' Dang it, dad, knock it off."
3. Paul: "Those high tech invisible urinals are awesome!" Facebook execs. "What high tech invisible urinals?" Paul: "Oops."
4. "Heheheheheheheh. I drew tits. Heheheheheheheheheh"
5. "I will not mock Sen. Feinstein. I will not mock Sen. Feinstein. I will not mock Sen. Felchstain. I will not mock Sen. Feinstein."

Best of Vinneh
"It's not the same. I do my best work sitting on the crapper."

Best of metalgarth
I was going to say "1st draft of Obama Care" but the gibberish on the chalkboard is far more useful and easier to understand.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hmm... lets see... Obamacare... add national debt... shrinking tax base... adjust for trade imbalance... carry the seven... yep we're screwed," thought Carl

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Something"
    (signed) Barack Obama

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Later, this wall would be displayed on Obamalama's teleprompter during a press conference, causing the first recorded tongue-tied epileptic seizure in history.

Best of Rodney Dill
If I assume that x=15trillion the economy balances.

The Not-So-Odd Couple


1. "Sorry, Sweetie, I'm too fat to give you a proper reacharound. This will have to do."
2. "Well, Ollie, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into."
3. "Sorry, Chaz... Marine 1 has a weight limit, and it was either you or the Grand Piano."
4. Obama's so lazy, he needs Chaz to play pocket pool for him.
5. "I'll call you."


Best of chronos the wonder pig
"We'll always have Bayonne."

Best of Double the U
IT'S TWOOOO! IT'S TWOOOOOO!

Best of blue
Man beats off shark

Best of  champaignken
ORA
Aide: People are becoming a bit confused by the way you and your opponent are… well… constantly holding hands.
Obama: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.

Best of Dactyl
Never get into a vehicle with a strange man who offers you candy. Run and tell a grownup right away!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Q: What's more awkward that being ordered to zip up a president's fly?
A: Getting your sleeve caught in the zipper just as he rushes off to catch his flight.

Best of Kaptain Krude
As the strains of "I Will Always Love You" swell into the closing theme and the end credits begin to roll, Obama and Chris chat amiably as they get onto Air Force One. It has been a full day, and Obama can hardly wait to sink himself into the immenseness that is Chris Christie.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh no - what is the protocol?" thought the Marine, "Do I salute it or harpoon it?"

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

More from the honeymoon.


Hi, Match-dot-com, I enjoy long walks on the beach, Krispy Kreme dougnuts/a pack of Kools every day and Federal pork spending. Turn-offs: Republicans need not apply. 

Doo-doot,doot-doot doot-do-do, doo-doot...


1. "Bill, it's the bottle you rub for three wishes... not my ass."
2. Bill: "You just keep calling me Master, sugartits!"
3. After all those years with a witch, Bill found a genie somewhat refreshing.
4. "You know, sugartits, the receiving of anal sex in any adult, healthy, and pleasurable context is completely all right with Ol' Billy."
5. Bill got jealous when he saw Obama walking hand in hand on the Jersey Shore with Chaz Bono.


Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Yes Mr president, having my hair up in a bun does have it's advantages...

Best of metalgarth
    You're my favorite GILF, you know what that stands for?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Eden's Thawtbubble: Yuck, creepy old man's breath and he chuckles like a mechanic who just put sawdust in a little old lady's manual transmission and charged her $500.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Gay Couple Enjoys Romantic Jersey Shore Honeymoon


1. Barry: "That red thing looks like an upper income taxpayer to me." Chrissy: "It looks like Federal Disaster Relief to me."
2. "And that red thing is where your voters cash out their EBT cards to by booze and cigs."
3. Chrissy: "Whew, after walking all the way from here to the car, I could sure use two coneys, a bucket of fries, a couple of elephant ears, a deep fried chicken, and a giant Slurpee." Barry: "I think I'll have some Crisco, cucumbers, whipped cream, margarine, baby oil, lime Jell-O, Pop'n'Fresh dough..."
4.  Chrissy: "And that garbage bin is where Prince Harry vomited violently after I offered to bugger him."
5. Chrissy: "That guy on the roof? It's my bodyguard. To save money, I hired the reanimated corpse of Tor Johnson."

Best of Whacko
Obama: "Hey I feel a few sprinkles. Let't get a couple of them corpse guys with umbrellas."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy look for a phone booth to change into their costumes.

Best of Dactyl
There's a trash can right next to the ATM. Spot the government metaphor.

Best of blue
"We can change into our purple wigs and cutoffs at the bath house...and next we have lunch with Mr Balls at Cox Farms."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
.....insert another Fat man and Little Boy joke here......

Best of metalgarth
Lenny better drop about 80 lbs or else Carl is going to start eyeing Smithers again.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After wandering aimlessly for over an hour, someone finally put a map on the mobile teleprompter.

"Ah, hell, here come's Biden with a foam finger and corn dogs. Just ignore him."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Look Mr President here comes the Marine with your umbrella now."

Best of Spin
Mr. Creosote warns the Choom king: "If they offer you a very thin wafer after lunch don't eat it"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"That's the fifth time that you've asked me how many ballots it takes to fill it up. I keep telling you, that's a trash can!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Now that you mention it sir," replied Mr. Christie, "that does look like a wonderful spot for a community action center. Does that come with federal funding as well?"

 


Thank You for Shopping at Sully's


1. And now you know why the store is called "Ralph's"
2. "Let's check the list again; Crisco, cucumbers, whipped cream, margarine, baby oil, lime Jell-O, Pop'n'Fresh dough..."
3. Less popular but no less depraved, the Folsom Street Farmer's Market.
4. Never has it been more awkward to run into your scoutmaster at the supermarket,
5. To give credit where credit is due, he is the rare individual who actually returns his cart to the corral.

Best of GregMan
    "Why yes, I DO love cox! How did you know?"

Best of Dactyl
    The WWE must really be desperate for new talent.

Best of metalgarth
    Ang Lee presents "He-Man and Masters of the Universe"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
   As a consumer-oriented despot, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad often wears a disguise to check for price gouging at the local Goat Milk Mart.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
    The evidence that Lady Gaga is really a man continues to pile up.

Best of Spin
The Brony King

Best of Submariner
    Be very careful in answering if he asks whether you want him to "bag" for you...

Best of racerboy and divine miss m
    Why you should never, ever leave G.I. Joe alone with My Little Pony.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Hanging Out with Mr. Balls


1. "Come as the part of Bill Maher you would most like to kick him in day" was a huge success.
2. "Hi, kids, I'm Scroty! The Safe School Mascot, Here to tell you how to lick bullying!"
3. Anthony Weiner takes his campaign to the people.
4. This year's Folsom Street Fair features a play area for the kids.
5. Grimmis's much edgier cousin Scrottis.

Best of Rodney Dill
Scrotum? I don't even know 'im

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Pretending that he is the Pied Piper, Mr. Balls leads the kids to Cox Farms.............

Best of divine miss m
ORA:"We'll NEVER get that on the album cover..."


Best of racerboy
Just imagine, if you will, that this "character" has escaped from a Rose Bowl Parade float...
...so tell me, just what "plant material" do you suppose they used for the... "curlies?"


Best of prince of leaves
You think this is bad? This is actually the back end of an all-pink 20-man dancing dragon costume.

Best of N.O'Really
Li'l guy needs a shave.

Best of Whacko
I'm always amazed at what can be made with Legos.

Best of dadoctah
(Divine Miss M) If ever I am tempted to complain about my job, please remind me that at least I don't have to wear a giant polyester sack suit for minimum wage in the hot Florida sun.
Yeah, I'll bet that outfit really itches.

Best of Kaptain Krude
The blue smoke indicates that they have selected a new Penis Pope.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Isn't it weird that it's got teeth?

Best of Submariner
Meh; I for one don't like the new Castro Street High Marching Band uniforms...

Best of Submariner
Move away kid, unless you can take me to your mom. I heard she likes my farm...

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Atheists Are the Worst Drama Queens


1. "A stripper nun and a pool party? This is the bestest birthday ever!"
2. And Billy is set on the course that would lead to him becoming one of the world's leading suspension bridge engineer.
3. "Ma'am. I will give you my allowance for a year if you will spend five minutes in the Moon Bounce with me."
4. The Safe School Czar and the way it Could Have Been if only we had elected Donald Trump.
5. Billy stared at the tittehs, but his friends Brucie and Ricky couldn't take their eyes off the Lifeguard's fabulous six-pack.

Best of dadoctah
"That's about it for lifesaving class for today. Now I'm going to turn you over to Sister Carlotta, who's going to teach you how to count cards at blackjack."
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Everybody loves the new Catholic swim coach. Everyone except the priests who lobbied for hiring Greg Louganis, that is.


Best of Double the U
As ratings started to slip "19 Kids and Counting" explored new ideas to keep viewers interested.

Best of Dr. Doom
It looks like the new Pope really is a reformer...

Best of Dactyl
Q: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
A: Problem?

Best of metalgarth
So that's what happened to the Catholic High School Girls in Trouble!

Best of divine miss m
Sr. Mary Kay Lauterno added a whole new dimension to the term 'breast stroke.'

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

If he hadn't written his own caption I'd've written it for him... word for word



Best of prince of leaves
Josh later claimed he was talking about how he admires his auto-mechanic girlfriend for having the skill and tools to change his oil, which unlike most men he can't manage on his own.

Best of chunkstyle
Way to make fun of the emasculated hipster with ironic facial hair. Educate yourselves. Learns his story. Morans!

Best of metalgarth
Thought bubble: "But, Vincent and I love Cox more!"

Best of champaignken
When he writes "girlfriend",he means my leather daddy and "strap-on", he means throbbing member.

Best of DaveP.
Another DNC intern displays his qualifications.

Monday, May 20, 2013

SCOAMF Phone



1. Standard Caption #8: "Is this the cocksucker residence? 2-1-3-4 Pussy way?"
2. "Am I talking into the right end? These things always confuse me."
3. "Mr. Hannity... this is um... Bill... in, um... one of them flyover states... You suck!"
4. "Can the IRS shoot people if I order them to? Just askin'"
5. "Good news Reggie, the test came back negative, so we're still on for Saturday?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Q FM 96 plays more hit music with less commercials, and I just said the phrase that pays!"

Best of Dactyl
Mister President, your mother is on line two. She says she loves Cox.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Why yes, Mr. Ryan, my refrigerator *IS* running. Why do you ask? ... Why are you laughing like that?" President Obama (codenamed "Deadbolt" by the Secret Service) receives yet another prank call from Best of sources.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I've been stuck here for 30 minutes! How hard can it be to get a replacement pack of butt closures?? THEY COST HOW MUCH?! Nevermind, drop by the Fed, take it out of petty cash. Oh, and have Butt Seals, Inc. audited!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Hello, IRS? This is a Presidential Order: Audit V the K."

Best of HLam
"One extra large pepperoni pizza, one extra cheese and sausage pizza, one with mushroom and black olives, and one with onions and green peppers. And Fries. Lots of Fries. Oh, and three small garden salads for me, Sasha, and Malia."

Best of GregMan
"Hold on, I'll ask. Is Dick Hertz here?"

Best of Rodney Dill
    Anthony Weiner? Yes, I'll hold.....

 

The Return of the Gravy-Addicted Teacher Union Heavy



1. "Bring me Han Solo and the Wookie!!!"

2. "Stop that Twinkie!" she shouted through her bullhorn as the schoolbus pulled away.

3. She waddled into action as soon as she heard Rahm Immanuel was going to follow Bloomberg's example and ban 250 oz sodas.

4. "Why, that's the planet Mercury son. I have no idea how it became a Chicago Union Boss."

5. A Chicago Teachers Union President was arrested today for possession of 80 lbs of crack.

Best of Double the U
    "Starvation wages", sadly that isn't a caption but an actual quote.

Best of Dactyl
What do we want? A bucket of fried chicken, two large pizzas with sausage and extra cheese, a batch of home fries, a mess o' donuts, and a six pack of Bud Lite. When do we want it? ....

Best of blue
Cox called, they don't love her.

Best of prince of leaves
But what at first appeared to be a megaphone was actually Betty's newfangled eatin' funnel, which used a tractor beam to draw in and automatically puree any food within a 60-degree cone of its laser targeting beam. Within days, roach coaches stopped showing up at the school during lunch hour.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Boy, when they said that their union line was going to sit around the building, they *meant* it would sit AROUND the building

Best of Rodney Dill
"That's no moon!"

Saturday, May 18, 2013

We're going to need a bigger tampon.



Best of dadoctah
    Her friends call her "BP".
    Not that she has any friends, during Shark Week.

Best of prince of leaves
"I don't know what happened!" exclaimed a distraught Tyler. "I dozed off, heard this sudden thump and a squelched scream, and when I looked over there was nothing but a shark-shaped dent in the sand!"

Best of GregMan
Sandra Fluke's day at the beach had the predictable outcome.

Best of jimmy
   "Go Crimson Tide, baby!"
    ---Spring Break on Alabama's Gulf Coast always had a certain je ne sais quoi.

Best of Submariner
    You said "taRpon" fishing? My bad. Can I have that back?

Friday, May 17, 2013

Pissed Off




Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Honest, officer, doctors have told me the best thing is when I feel it I should just release it, otherwise I could get uromysitisis poisoning and die!
ORA Seinfeld (obligatory reference)

Best of Passionate Conservative
Wow. The IRS really does want EVERYTHING!

Best of dadoctah
Just reporting my earnings on my investment in the Pipi corporation.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"Wait, IRS doesn't stand for 'Internal Relief Station'? Well, this is awkward."

Free For All Friday


"I'm a United States Marine for gawd's sake and this SCOAMF treats me like a gawdam umbrella stand. Who am I? Mary f-ckin' Poppins? Gawd, I wish I had my sword right now. Stupid f-cker can't even tell if it's raining. Sh-t, I would rather be bussing tables at Amy's f-cking Baking Company than standing next to this pile of sh-t...." 


Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Why must the Tea party always rain on my parade?"

Best of blue
"Is that thunder or did McCain crap his pants again?"

Best of jimmy
Marine: "That's it, SCOAMF. Two more steps over. Just one foot on that loose wire in the mud puddle and we're all home free."

Best of prince of leaves
[SCOAMF looks up at the next picture] "Huh, I thought that 'rain' smelled like asparagus and steroids."

Best of dadoctah
This may be the worst Justice League reboot since the one with Vibe and Gypsy.

Best of Joshua
Thoughtbubble: I bet if I pushed this all the way through his chest they'd have trouble pulling it out.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Vinegar and Ginger

Dadoctah


1. His distraction effective, John McCain quickly crapped his pants.
2. "Well, if your majesty is too high and mighty, perhaps God will pull my finger!"
3. "... and right up there is where Harry Reid keeps his catamites."
4. Why McCain kept calling him "Mrs. Ricardo" was very confusing to the young prince.
5. "Tell the queen mum Johnny Mac says 'Hi' and BTW, does she still take it up the bum?"


Best of Spineless Vertebra
McCain: "And right there is where everyone's souls go after they die. But you don't have to worry about that since you don't have one."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
".....and that way is Cox Farms, you know - where Obama goes since he was outed at Man Country."

Best of blue
"...and on national Kill A Ginger Day, we'll display your lifeless body right there."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"And right over there in '99, I crapped my pants. And in '02. And in '05. And about 25 minutes ago."

Best of  Kaptain Krude
"Uh-oh," thought the young prince. "They warned me this might happen. If ol' McCain starts talking about the Cong and telling about how he used to dive-bomb those rat-bastard Commies, then I'm just supposed to smile politely and make my eyes extra-round."

Best of dadoctah
Years later, Peter Pan and Captain Hook finally come to a mutual understanding.




Royal Fleece


1. On the left, the Prince of Wales. On the right, the Prince of Whales.

2. Cloddish New Jersey RINO regifts his "Obama 2012" hoodie to the Prince of Wales.

3."So, Prince... did you drive here in your 'Little Red Corvette?' Ha! I kill me."

4. Christie finally meets a welfare recipient he likes.

5. "No, Prince, you can't meet Snookie. I ate her."


Threadwinner blue
Fat Man and Little Boy bomb again

Best of blue
"...and you say the Queen loves Cox as much as I do?"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Here is my jacket, you can use it to cover England next time it rains."

Best of blue
..and this is the jacket Ray Bradbury wore when he bonked the Queen!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I'm sorry, Prince, they didn't let me know you were coming. Otherwise, I would have hired a bigger reception committee than the Sandra Fluke Fan Club."

Best of Dactyl
...yeah, cleaned and pressed, and go easy on the starch this time. Got it, limey?

Best of Spin
Yes Harry I'm sure it's your child. They took it by cesarean but I passed it off as lap-band surgery.




Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Do I Make You Horny, Baby?



1. Obama's strategy of yelling "Look! A Unicorn!" was highly successful with the mainstream press whenever a question about Benghazi, the IRS scandal, Fast and Furious, Solyndra, or the AP phone calls was raised.

2. "Hi! I'm the economic recovery you've heard so much about. See how real I am."

3. Lonely women in Enumclaw resort to desperate measures.

4. #413,957 on the list of things the MFM would rather report on than an Obama scandal.

5. An excerpt from the last delirium dream Kermit Gosnell will have before he is ushered into hell.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Along with the AP reporters' phone logs, the government stole a Skype chat between Jay Carney and his sleep therapist: "Doc, this time the unicorn knew my name and my favorite sex position!!"

Best of  Joshua
On FoxNews - Benghazi hearings, IRS intimidation, phone records of the Associated Press subpoenaed. On CNN - Tea Party vs Government. On MSNBC - Should humans be allowed to marry animals?

Best of  metalgarth
Why yes, both of my dads were Bronies. Why do you ask?

Best of  Dactyl
Turns out all that Narnia crap was just repressed memories about camping trips with Uncle Clem.




Too Soon?


Monday, May 13, 2013

Jay Carney has a sad


car-ney: /n/ a person who works in a carnival 

1. "Asking impudent questions of my president makes me a sad panderer." 
2. Where will be when the realization that your boss is a SCOAMF kicks in. 
3. "White Washing." Yeah, that about sums up his job. 
4. "Please don't ask about Benghazi, again. Hillary gets ever so cross." 
5. As he imagined his future, Carney began to crave the sweet release that only death can bring

Best of  GregMan
    "I just found out my Mom loves Cox. I thought I was the only one who loves Cox."

Best of  metalgarth
He knew that his past had finally caught up with him when he heard a lone voice from the back of the room say, "Beavis, if you don't quit covering for that Obama guy I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Best of  Rodney Dill
"Gees... I never wanted to be the White House spokesperson... I always wanted to be a..... Lumberjack!

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
"McCain crapped his pants & I have to clean it up!"

Best of  Submariner
    Guess nobody fessed up to taking M'Chel's eatin' shovels and he has to inform her...

Best of  jimmy
    Thoughtbubble: "Damn, why aren't the death rays from my eyes setting Ed Henry on fire?"

Best of  Kaptain Krude
    "Ben Ghazi? Who is this 'Ben Ghazi' that you keep asking for?"

Best of  Dactyl
    He hates when people say he resembles Glenn Beck. But he does.



Friday, May 10, 2013

Free Meghan McCain



1. Meghan McCain announced a line of clothing this week. Contrary to earlier reports, it is not maternity wear.

Best of  Rodney Dill
    "Whaddya mean, what if the baby doesn't want to go to Nineveh?"

Best of  DaveP.
In an incredible quirk of fate, Kim Kardashian and Shamu the Killer Whale traded personalities... the process left Kim with a certain dress style and a tendency to spout off through her blowhole, and Shamu with a hankering for deep-fried blubber.

Best of  Rodney Dill
    Porka vs. Orca

Best of  Double the U
    One is a sperm whale the other is an marine mammal.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    Off off Broadway's version of the sickeningly liberal PC Star Trek episode - Let That Be Your Last Battlefield - will be a solo performance... due to stage load limits.

Best of  Steve O
    Talk about going for a specific look -- and nailing it.

Best of  Rodney Dill
    What's black and white and bred all over.

Best of  GregMan
 One is an enormous mass of blubber that eats hundreds of pounds of meat a day, the other is a killer whale.

Witch Hunt


Wednesday, May 08, 2013

I Play Joke...


The Long and the Short of It


1. Billy's condom inflating skills really impressed the ladies.
2. Hey, look, Tom Cruise has a new girlfriend.
3. The humans selected as the breeding pair for the alien zoo report to the spacecraft; grateful to escape from the Idiocracy that is America Under Obama.
4. "So, among the Amazonians, I'll be known as a 'breeding drone? OK."
5. "Let's go to the Food Court and get some Pipi."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    ORA "First time I ever went up on a broad"
    quiz - name the movie that has that line & win a cookie........

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Pee-yew! Man, the fish market is really pungent today, isn't it, dearest?"
    "Da, monorski, perhaps we should walk faster, da? Dat reminds me, my little bobkins, we pick up vinegar on way home, da?"

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
 A combination of a cold morning and a quick right turn on Fred's part left him blind in one eye.

Best ofCarpe Phlogiston
    You have to be "this" tall to go on this ride.

Best of Rodney Dill
    'tis better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Blowing Bubbles


1. The American Public School System: Dead Last in Math and Science; Top of the world in improper condom use.

2. "Nah, we didn't get these from the Safe School Czar, he prefers his bitches bareback."

3.And then Billy went missing, and the milk carton company refused to post his picture. He was never seen again.

4. Girl in background. "Liar! You told me you used protection!"

5. Boy: "Look at the neat balloon Ms. Letourneau gave me!"

Best of prince of leaves
    "Bleah...this balloon tastes like s**t!"

Best of GregMan
"The Safe Schools Czar told me this would help me learn to play the skin flute, but I don't hear anything."

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate reality X56B:
    Ron Howard broke into show business doing commercials for Trojan Brand Bubble Gum

Best of blue
    Susie: "If you can fill that thing, I'm yours."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Suzie Derkins to Calvin "Hobbes' is bigger."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
    Performing wizardry wasn't the only odd thing Ron and Hermione did as kids.




Monday, May 06, 2013

Oops, McCain Crapped His Pants


1. L-R, Just sh-t his pants, pulling the same old sh-t, just sh-t all over his presidential aspirations.
2.As Rubio prattled on about secure borders and cutting off welfare benefits to illegals, Schumer stuggled to keep a straight face and McCain crapped his pants.
3. O'Reilly's body language segment determined that Rubio was a sucker, Scumer knew Rubio was a sucker, and McCain just crapped his pants.
4. "And I think we can all agree that at a time when 25 million Americans are out of work, nothing is more important than giving Amnesty to 11 million cheap, foreign workers. By the way, McCain just crapped his pants."
5. Schumer had been in New York Democrat politics so long the stench coming from McCain's pants made him somewhat homesick.

Best of blue
    While waiting for V the K to pick last week's best of's, McCain crapped his pants

Best of Double the U
Schumer was quietly amused at how well Dr. Evil's "liberal ray" was working on all the new stars of the GOP.

Best of Submariner
    Schumer drove, I prepped for the questions, McCain crapped his pants.

Best of Rodney Dill
    Rubio: "Yes, I'm sure McCain's Prostate is this big."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Rubio: "No more illegal aliens working on the front lawn!"
    Shumer: "More reporters on my front lawn!"
    McCain: "You kids get off of my lawn!"

Saturday, May 04, 2013

Chicoms Base New Police Headquarters Design on Teh Stinger

Yeah, it's real



Best of Passionate Conservative
    Jason Collins shuddered in delight.

Best of Double the U
The Barney Frank Congressional Library was erected quickly. Locals say they hope it expands this other wise dark neighborhood on the back side of town.

Best of Whacko
    So, is this China's greatest erection?

Best of GregMan
    In other news, Andrew Sullivan has applied for permission to emigrate to China.

Best of Rodney Dill
    Man, Geoffrey Fieger is putting up law offices everywhere.

Best of Submariner
    Ya'll need to get your minds out of the gutter; this is just the grain silo at Fire Island.

Best of arf
Taking their cue from American lawyers, the Chinese Bar Association built their new headquarters.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Worst architectural plan ever. The building's only been completed for 4 hours and already it has to taken to the ER.

Best of jimmy
Revealed at long last: the not-so-secret headquarters of the company sending out those spam emails trying to sell you fake viagra. Obviously, sales were brisk.

Best of prince of leaves
After funding ran out, the building's original height was lowered by three floors, and it was sold to an Israeli company.

Best of Kaptain Krude
  Ah. I see the new Clinton memorial is ready to be unveiled.

Friday, May 03, 2013

That's Nearly Always Fatal


I Am Become Gym Teacher


1. ORA: I guess the salmon mousse in the cafeteria wasn't fresh after all.

2. "Excuse me, could you kids tell me where the Planned Parenthood seminar is meeting?"

3. The new Goth kid was super-hardcore.

4. The Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come informs Kobe that he is open.

5. You ever have that dream where you're in middle school and the Grim Specter of Death is performing "Stop! In the Name of Love" in your gym class?

Best of metalgarth
    Some Slayer fans are taking the news... exactly the way you'd expect Slayer fans to.
    RIP Jeff Hanneman :(

Best of dadoctah
    ORA: "Ees, next--svimvear!"

Best of jimmy
    Those Colonial Patriots sure do take their dodge ball seriously!

Best of prince of leaves
PE teacher: "I have bad news, children...LaTanya won't be joining us for gym class this morning..."

Best of prince of leaves
    Exhibit A in the hearing that put Aragorn on the sex offender registry.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
   There's something about Zero Tolerance rules that brings out the worst in school administrators.

Best of Rodney Dill
After the fall of Sauron, and the witch king of Angmar, the remaining Nazgul found gainful employment in school cafeterias all across America.

Best of Rodney Dill
Once the Jawa made the basketball team the coach began to suspect steroid abuse.

Best of Steve O
Okay, so in picking teams for dodge-ball, do you WANT Death to pick you or do you NOT want Death to pick you?

Best of Spineless Vertebra
Even the Grim Reaper came from the very depths of hell to congratulate Jason Collins on coming out.

Best of Submariner
    Ruth Bader Ginsburg forgets which Supremes group she's a member of...
 

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Everybody Loves Russian wedding Dresses

Schneider



1. Is her name June, because she is bustin' out all o-ver....

2. Even M'Chel Ob'Ama has too much fashion sense to wear something like this.... we hope.

3. And FoxNews finds its new afternoon anchorwoman.

4. Janet Napolitano's thoughtbubble (in foreground): "Try not to stare. Try not to stare. Try not to stare. Try not to stare...."

5. At last, the Duggar family found the ideal wet-nurse.


Best of Submariner
Thanks for the mammaries...

Best of Dr. Doom
Introducing the latest in bridal safety wear, the Bridinator 2000! Because you never know when your wedding might jump the rails and plunge into a deep lake...

Best of N.O'Really
Isn't that sweet? Russian Mouseketeer Britney Spearskaya is all growed out.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
Why, that dress is udderly ridiculous.

Best of DaveP.
'ow to speak Australian: "Off-the-rack dress".