Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Reid and Some Fat Chick

Brender


1. Reid's thoughtbubble: "Just pretend it's a ten year old boy. Just pretend it's a ten year old boy. Just pretend it's a ten year old boy." 

2. Her thoughtbubble: "Just pretend it's not a corpse. Just pretend it's not a corpse. Just pretend it's not a corpse."

3. "Thanks for bringing me the photos of me and that cub scout troop. You're a good Democrat, Candy Crowley." 

4. "Nice to see you again, Meghan. Give your dad a squeeze for me and tell him 'Thanks.' He'll know what it's for."

Wednesday W-People

Schneider
 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Men of the Democrat Party


1. In his dressing room, Chris Hayes warms himself up for another "amazing, remarkable" show.

2. Still a better choice for Homeland Security secretary than Sheila Jackson Lee.

3. "Strawberry" defines the Mean Masculinity Level for all DailyKos Kontributors and Kommenters.

4. This picture was "Not Too Rah-Rah American" for the 9-11 Museum.

5. "Senator Craig, I'm ready for my close up!"

 Best of Steve O
    The Hangover Part IV is still test marketing some posters.

Best of Best of
    Corporal Klinger would bitch slap you for wearing those knee highs in this outfit. You half ass it out here and there's a world of Perez-Hilton hurt waiting for you, Sally.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "No, I'm sorry", Ang Lee sorrowfully told the latest applicant, "We've already gotten somebody to play Wonder Woman."

Best of ColoradoPatriot
    "Hey Kobe! I'm open!"

Best of jimmy
    Looks like they're already auditioning for that cast opening on "Glee".
    What? Too soon?

Best of GregMan
    The mysterious owner of "Villa Titty" is revealed to all the world.

Best of Dr. Doom
    As with most things in life, Bruce discovered that some days are more FABULOUS than others...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    What he does when he's NOT being the spokesman for the White House is his own business.

Monday, July 29, 2013

If God Loved You, He Would Have Made You Prettier

Dread Pirate Robert




1. Les Nessman's sad descent into dementia naturally drew him to left-wing politics.
2. Her sign is my thought bubble for the answer to the question "What should her mother have had at least one of?"
3. Does She Really Need to Worry About This Issue?
4. Oh, Britney... you're on the meth again, aren't you?
5. Another trust-fund being put to good use.

Best of Double the U
    The Morse code at the bottom is "CT" and she needs a scan of her brain.

Best of metalgarth
    Few people know that before the operation Uncle Fester was Aunt Ester.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "No thanks, I was just looking for the snow-cone booth."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    The transporter malfunction forever fused Drew Carey and Sinead O'Conner.

Best of best of
    "The prickly pear may be found over most of the dry plains; but this is neither very palatable nor wholesome..."

I have nothing to add to this

Metalgarth



Best of metalgarth
    What is "Chris Matthews' favorite daydream", Alex?

Best of Double the U
    That is so vile and so disgusting. How the hell is he going to clean that off his ass?

Best of prince of leaves
    "Don't worry, Mr. Jones...this audit will only go back as far as 1976, the year your parents first met."

Friday, July 26, 2013

Climb Every Mountain



1. Bet you all are surprised that Lamarr ended up married to that nice man he met on the train.
2. A new hair color, a new beau... Angela Corey is really moving on with her life.
3. Eager to become mayor of a large American city, Samir worked hard to develop his Democrat bona fides.

Best of Best of
    Dammit, Dinesh, save some for CPAC in September.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "*gasp* dub! You're home early!"

Best of Spineless Vertebra
    "Alright, my new chair from FAP has arrived."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Ranjit? Ranjit?", called Shondra, "Now where can that boy have got to?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    What an oddly-shaped fecal extrusion. Good thing her laxatives kicked in.

Best of Dactyl
    Turns out there is such a thing as too much Jagermeister. Who knew?

Best of Best of
    Little did Kristie Alley know that Leah Remini had this little ace-in-the-hole pic for her departure from the fold.

Best of Steve O
    Here Comes Honey Boo Boo enters its 12th season.

Best of Rodney Dill
    That's no moon



This is not a happy man


1. Lamarr wondered at what point it became "justifiable" homicide.

2. Lamarr should have known better than to fly on 'Creepy Ass Cracka Airlines.'

3. The remake of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles featuring Eddie Murphy and Senator Larry Craig was, as expected, a dismal box office failure.

Best of prince of leaves
He had no problem with sitting next to a pasty, fat white man. He could overlook the fact that the guy was in his underwear. But the camel toe was just too much.

Best of Best of
A still photo from upcoming autobiography, Riding the Dragon: the Story of Phillip Seymour Hoffman's Descent into Coach

Best of Best of
    It's just another benefit of membership in the White Privilege Club. Sign up today!

Best of Jay Guevara
Lamar's thought bubble: "Mofo never cuddle anymore after doin' the wild thing. What about my needs?"

Best of dadoctah
   Daryl Hall has really let himself go. John Oates, not so much.

Best of metalgarth
Lamarr did ask for a new seat but unfortunately for him, no one on the plane could "speak jive".

Best of Steve O
Chapter Six of my new travel guide has some helpful hints on what to wear to avoid unwanted conversation.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    They'll be ok, as long as they don't get Captain Sum Ting Wong.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    While only mildly upset at being seated next to mouthy Rush Limbaugh, Tyrone nearly died after an in-flight triple serving of Kielbasa and Kraut triggered Rush's notorious nocturnal flatulence.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Truth be told this is Snerdly's least favorite part of working for Rush...

Best of Steve O
    Sitting next to a sleepy ass cracker.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

I Know I'm supposed to be looking at the sleeping giant, but those creepy little hands on the podium keep distracting me



1. So, all those women who fainted during Choom Mugabe's speeches; how many of them just fell asleep.
2. Obama's drone kills another American.
3. "Would somebody give 'bingo-wings' a poke in the ribs. Her snoring is throwing the Preezy off his cadence."
4. Anthony Weiner realized he could save a fortune on roophies by playing Obama's economic speech.
5. Fat, lazy, and sleeping through Obama's disaster of a presidency, but enough about low-information voters, how 'bout that chick with the bingo wings?

Beachballs and the Pornification of American Culture


1. The organizers of the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade never invited Hooters back again.

2. Confident of victory, Anthony Weiner (a.k.a. Carlos Danger) had his team prepare festive balloons for Election Night.

3.Fluid Air Products readies another shipment.

4. Denied the opportunity to pelt the Texas Legislature with bloody tampons, the Feminist Alliance adopted a different tack.

5. By 2018, the competition among nubile actresses for the few remaining, non-internet pr0n movie jobs led to an arms race in the plastic surgery business. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Green Acres is the place to be, sweetie


1. A the Pride Parade marched through Hooterville, Sam Drucker reached for his shotgun. "Not in my town!"

2. Most commonly heard complaint among gay farmers: "Oh damn, there's sh-t all over my rubbers."

3.  He must be a chicken farmer. He keeps asking bystanders if they'd like to see his cock and pullet.

4. "I told him to be careful where he plants his cock, but he tells me chickens don't grow that way."

5. Gay Farmers and Friends, the first product of the merger between CMT and Logo.

Best of  Submariner
    At least it's not the same old cock and bull story... Or maybe it is?

Best of  Submariner
In the summer of '93, Floyd changed the barber shop into a "salon," and Mayberry was just never the same.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    The lost Green Acres episode nobody... and I mean NOBODY... wanted found.

Best of  Kaptain Krude
Whenever there was a strong wind and they all dropped their pants and bent over at the same time, there was no need for a siren.

Best of ???
    The old gay mayor, she
    ain't what she used to be,
    ain't what she used to be...

Best of  GregMan
    You really don't want to know what happened to Arnold the Pig.

Best of  Joshua
In a success story taught to Political Science majors today, four liberal activists grew frustrated when nobody took their "Gay Farmers & Friends" group seriously. Shortly after changing their name to "Log Cabin Republicans", however, the four activists were soon invited to CPAC and other major political events.

Best of  Son Of The Godfather
    ...and on that farm he had some ass, E-I-E-I-OW!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Dingbattery


1. So, you turn on your TV to see a a crazy-eyed woman wearing tampons for earrings and yammering incoherently. It's gotta be either MSDNC or Lifetime.

2. Does Chris Matthews know you borrowed his tampons?

3. Now, that is one tight weave!

4. The accessories that tell the world you are "Ready for Hillary."

5. Rachel Jeantel saw this picture and said, "That's real retarded, sir."

Best of Double the U
You think this looks stupid but a few minutes later she had a bloody nose and she was prepared.

Best of  Dr. Doom
So if there was a sequel to The Blair Witch Project and Sandra Fluke starred in it and Ang Lee directed it... the beginning of the trailer would look something like this...

Best of  Submariner
    Looks like she picked a bad week to start using bath salts.

Best of ???
Latter day feminists, oblivious to the concept of penis envy, create their own version of Trucknutz

Best of ???
    Holy hysterical hyphenated harpies harmonizing about hymens, Batman!

Vlad Putin Returns to His Underwater Lair



1. Thoughtbubble: "I wonder if President Choom is out for a ride on his girly bike?"

2. "Nyet, Pussy Galore is not the name of one of my henchmaidens, it's my nickname for the President of the United States."

3. "And now, my impression of the American economy."

4. "Hey, look, a Coeur de la Mer. I knew that old bitch threw it somewhere."

5. Meanwhile, back in the USA, you have to buy a permit to use an innertube.

Best of ???
    Whale, I must break you.

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Let's just go down and visit some of Obama's investments in green energy, shall we?"

Best of dadoctah
t's all my mixed-up childhood fantasies come back: Gerry Anderson and Jacques Cousteau together.

Best of GregMan
   Jonny Quest has not aged well at all.

Best of metalgarth
    Alternative universe x212346:   Aquaman is not a fictional character and he is also not useless 99% of the time.

Best of Dr. Doom
    In Soviet Russia thought bubbles are always a bad idea...

Best of Submariner
    Vlad's got one helluva set of the cojones to submerge in a base drum with only cellophane for sides!

Best of Vinneh
    The diabolical Putin's plan was to control the world's capitalists by controlling the world's caviar! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Modern Problems



Best of Dr. Doom
    Back of Shirt: So I switched to tongue in groove...

Best of prince of leaves
    It's not ruined, you just need a steamer. Er, steam *cleaner*.

Best of Passionate Conservative
    I'm guessing he really wanted cream with that.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Bad dog, Bukkake!, BAD DOG!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Matthews was never the same after they cancelled "Hardball".

Best of Submariner
    So it no longer matches the drapes?

Best of Vinneh
    He's the most interesting man in the world. Stay thirsty my friends.

Best of Best of
    Sadder is the inevitable end of the road for the slavishly hip, aggressively transgressive than it is for their less delusional neighbors of the generational divide.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Geez, everybody blames Bukkaki, the younger cousin of Michael Dukakis.

Friday, July 19, 2013

No Running in Court



Best of HLam
    "Hey Ernie, I'm lovin' the new ball retrievers!"

Best of curly
Chelsea Clinton's book "Dreams of My Mother" would eventually be turned into lesbo-porn.

Best of Double the U
    This "What to do when bears attack" series keeps getting better and better.

Best of Dr. Doom
"You call those t!ts," screamed McEnroe from the broadcast booth, "My four year old niece has bigger t!ts that those!"

Best of Bester
    Team Sweden engages in psych-ops to win Olympic gold.

Best of dadoctah
    Feh! Woman on a tennis court? She's a dyke, by definition.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    George the security guard suddenly realized that today was going to be a good day.

Best of dadoctah
    I'm really starting to get concerned about Amanda Bynes....

Best of Vinneh
    Those Kardashians will do anything to get a Black athlete.

Best of Submariner
If the first thing you noticed was the sweater vest one of the players was wearing, I have some news for you...

Best of Submariner
    OJA: "The Pigmies are cunning runts..."

M'Chel, In the Prison Yard, With an Eatin' Shovel



1. In the gender-reversed Universe, Trayvonna Martin was only bitch-slapped by Georgia Zimmerman, and lived to fulfill her ultimate destiny.

2. During her undergrad days, M'Chel went out of her way to protect Hillary Rodham from the other girls at the Radycal Womyn's Retreat.

3. M'Chel does not respond graciously to criticism of her new weave.

4. "Stay away from my french fries, you chalk-faced whore."

5. Another Martha's Vineyard vacation is ruined when M'Chel spots Janet Napolitano wearing the same denim vest.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "...and then a young community organizer showed M'Chel the errors of her ways."

Best of curly
Spockinna's Koon-ut-kal-if-fee prize would be the only white girl at Oakland's "Amok Time".

Best of Best of
    Soledad O'brien's interview for MSNBC's weekend anchor position goes afoul.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    BET's (even more) cheap version of the original Star Trek "The Gamesters of Triskelion" duel.

Best of dadoctah
Oprah: "*You* get a flesh wound. And *you* get a flesh wound. And *you* get a flesh wound...."

Best of jimmy
 January 2017: M'Chel doesn't take it well when Hillary (center) arrives at the White House to help escort M'Chel and her daughter (right) from "her" house.

Best of Submariner
    Barry learns it isn't a smart move to tell M'Chel "No desert for you."

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

What Weighs 400 lbs and Just Lost a Major Court Case


"I need some time to console myself after this terrible defeat. If you need me, I'll be at the Cheesecake Factory... and Sizzler... and Bubba Gump Shrimp... and PF Chang's... and Golden Corral... and Wendy's, Pizzeria Uno's, Chili's, TGIFridays and Applebee's"


Best of Submariner
I'd like to thak the Dolphins' Management for giving me a chance to play Fullback after I fumbled that much...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
She responds to QUESTIONS asked by the CaptionThis sick intercourse staff reporters:
1. Why yes, I do have one of Chel's honorary eatin shovels.
2. Coincidentally, my laxatives kicked in just as the jury foreman read their decision.
3. Yes, Dawn's head DID explode and we're going to persecute er, I mean prosecute Zimmerman for that, too.

Best of culry
"...and to show our disappointment with the verdict, we've decided to have a child together. An ugly, ugly child."

Best of Dr. Doom
"My next move?", clarified Ms. Corey, "Well I'm going to go home, run a nice hot bath, curl up with It Takes a Village, and open up a big ole' box of Fluid Air Products - if you know what I mean..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Bring me Solo and the Wookie. They will all suffer for this outrage."

Best of dadoctah
\"Okay, so we lost the court case. But on the bright side, hey, Twinkies are back!"

It's Not Tuesday, But Here's a Butt Boy

\


1. "Well, doctor, it started out as a wart on my left cheek..."

2. Junior's Thoughtbubble: "Nice."

3. She would send the selfie to Mary Kay LeTourneau with the message, "He's mine now, back off bitch."

4.  "Hey mom, while I was poking around in there, I found thirteen votes for Al Franken, Obama's economic policies, and the prosecution's case notes from the Zimmerman trial."

5. "What does a biohazard tramp stamp mean, mommy?"

Best of Submariner
    Thanks anyways, mom, but I meant I wanted a labrador.

Best of GregMan
    "Oh my God, Mommy, it's full of stars!"

Best of GregMan
    Show And Tell at the Sandra Fluke Day Care Center was about what you'd expect.

Best of of
 Another day and another piece of white trash ass shits out another kid.

Best of metalgarth
    Mommy, what's a Butt Closure for?

Best of Double the U
    ORA: You have a boil on your butt named "Peter"?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Kid's Bottlebubble 2 - "I am experiencing several mysterious, incredibly age-inappropriate urges. I'm NORMAL!!!"

Best of prince of leaves
    "Shiiiny!"

Best of Submariner
    Mommy? After you take your picture,can you help me write my letter to Penthouse?

Best of Steve O
    Little dude, you don't know this yet, but you are doing very, very well. Off to a great start. Really.

  

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Twinkies Are Back in Stock



1. You wouldn't think Bieb's would have to put so much effort into his farts.

2. In the back rooms of Provincetown Leather Bars, this is known as 'Sullivan face.'

3. "Nice Bieber." "Thanks, I just had it stuffed."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Beebs discovers that Chantell is a real women

Best of jimmy
    "Aw, man! You're right. Even Susan Lucci has bigger biceps than I do. What the hell....?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Q: Who said, "That's okay, Beibs, it happens to all guys."
    A: The mens ballet fraternity at San Francisco Community College.

Best of Submariner
    The Bieb's famous last words: "It's all good until somebody shoots into an eye..."

Best of Vinneh
    Another reason to close the border-the northern one.

Best of jimmy
    Bieber learned the true value of the hyphen when he mistakenly invited a "white ass-cracker" to join him in his hotel room.

#Gay

"Men under the influence…” addresses the recent change in roles in heterosexual relationships from the relationships of our predecessors and how those changes have affected men in particular. the photos attempt to capture men’s sense of loss reference, now that women have taken a step forward and have finally come into their own as equal partners. The project consists of full-length portraits of men wearing the clothes of their girlfriends or wifes, taken in the space shared by the couple."


1. Keanu Reeves's audition for 50 Shades of Gray went badly quite well akshully.

2. Alice busts into the boys room and solves both the mystery of Carol's missing sundress and Peter's recent unexcused absence from school.

3. Obama announced his new Secretary of Homoland Security this week...

4. George Zimmerman enters the witness protection program.

5.  A Tennessee man is suing Apple because the pr0n on his computer gave him "unrealistic expectations." The above photo is Exhibit A.

Threadwinner: GregMan
The Folsom Street People's Theater production of "The Diary Of Anne Frank" went about as well as you'd expect.

Best of Submariner
    Rachel Maddow has never looked better...

Best of Submariner
    After the break:  Following his success in "Mama Mia," Pierce Brosnan continues to stretch his acting reach even further in subsequent roles, such as the lead in the Off-Off-Off Broadway production of 'The Bette Davis Story.'

Best of Best of
    British comedy has a dignity all its own.

Best of dadoctah
    A young Tom Hanks wonders if his acting career will *ever* get off the ground....

Best of metalgarth
    Sum Ting Wong
    Ug Lee Chik
    Ho Li Fuk
    Cree Pi Ask Racker

Best of prince of leaves
    Meet Mackenzie Swombole-Davis, editor of Jezebel's new "You're Perfect Just the Way You Are!" anti-looksism section.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Gillette finally jumps the shark with a commercial for their newest furwacker... the 9-blade Swiss Army Depilatory Razor for gender-agnostic hirsute maintenance.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Definitely Not Too Soon



1. "Would you like any cheese to go with those 'Creepy-Ass Crackers,' Mr. Martin?"

2. Sadly, soon after leaving the Kwik-E-Mart, Carl jumped Homer Simpson and was shot to death.

3. "Let's see, Skittles, Watermelon Drank.... do you already have cough syrup? You can't make a good batch of watermelon lean without cough syrup."

4. Trayvon: "Lifetime Discount Card? Sure, sign me up, what the heck, I'll probably be coming back here all the time."

5. "As usual, our discourse of the Hegelian dialectic has resolved nothing; and the nature of existence remains as elusive as ever. Good day to you, my friend. Will I be seeing you at book club, later?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
On the witness stand, Arturo testified, "Hell, that boy looked so suspicious I nearly shot him myself... and he was a regular."

Best of Best of
    -Hey! Where da white women at?
    -I think down at that gated condo community.

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate universe X22345B:  Do y'all have any Mountain Dew? My boy Zim and I are on neighborhood watch tonight and I am draggin'. Just tryin' to keep things safe.

Best of Submariner
    ...and a pack of Newports.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

No Caption, Just This



Best of prince of leaves
"It's okay, Bones, I left Lt. Sum Ting Wong in charge of the bridge."
Best of chronos the wonder pig
Mr Sulu in drag??
Best of blue
Dammit Jim! When Sulu finds out he will throw a hissy fit!
Best of Best of
No, Jim! It's not worth risking losing your command over! You've got the Jolly Green Giant's kid sister back in your quarters yearning for her broccoli to get doused with your mayonnaise. Think, man!
Best of Joshua
Dammit Jim, that's against Starfleet rules. You know they only allow homosexual activities. It's been that way for hundreds of years!
Best of Rodney Dill
"Go tell Scottie we've got to get it up now..." "but, Captain he says he need thirty minutes."
Best of Dr. Doom
"Dammit Jim," exclaimed Dr. McCoy, "Let me get in there and show you why they call me 'Bones'..."
Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Dammit, Jim, your system can't tolerate another little blue pill for at least 8 hours, and besides, it's MY DAMN TURN!
Best of Submariner
Leave me alone, Bones. I'm practising to open up my own legal firm.
Best of Dr. Doom
"Well Bones the Face Sucking Single Cell Organisms on Deneva IV are a lot of fun," explained Captain Kirk, "But it is really hard to beat Yeoman Francine Jones of Starbase Denelius V..."
Best of Steve O
"No Jim! What I mean is that based on my medical scan you won't get 'her' pregnant!

Friday, July 12, 2013

Layers and Layers of Fact-Checkers...

They Put Those Signs There for a Reason, You Guys



Best of of
Although they had wandered lost for weeks, a thirsty Steve could still rely on the Octomom's teats.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Taking a page from the Mike Tyson School of Sissy Fighting, Floyd clamped down and woouldn't let go.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Meanwhile Back the Travesty

Prosecutors and Defense Attorney's took turns doing the Reverse Cowgirl on a helpless dummy (Not Rachel Jeantel)



Best of GregMan
Due to the sequester, even DA's have had to give up their RealDolls for something more affordable from the GSA.

Best of Vinneh
The all female jury appreciated the Sybian demo as part of the defense's closing argument.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
When jurors began to titter and giggle, the incompetent prosecutor realizes he had a boner and meekly asked for a recess and some paper towels. 

Best of Son Of The Godfather
They actually requested a caucasian dummy for the demonstration, but the White House spokesman was unavailable.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: So, with Klaatu incapacitated, why didn't anyone simply try knocking Gort over?

Best of Submariner
Henry couldn't afford a Japanese latex love doll so he carved one out of seat cushion foam himself.

Best of Submariner
We're just "friends" you sick intercourses!



Wednesday With Bacon II



Best of Submariner
ACHMED! I didn't expect you home this early!

Best of Best of
Aisha settles down in front of the TV for Riyadi's newest reality hit, "Harem Swap."

Best of Best of
Wow, your "Young Frankenstein" cosplay outfit is so cool!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
You know what they say in Sharia law: "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips... and also, WE KEEEEEL YOU NOW!"

Best of dadoctah
In Riyadh, this counts as fetish porn. Even without the model.

(Interestingly, the same holds true in Provo.)

Wednesday With Bacon I: Bacon Milkshakes



Best of Best of
Every great chef understands the importance of dish presentation.

Best of Dactyl
I see Army of Mom's catering business is off to a nice start.

Best of Dactyl
Hey, I think Clinton's staring at us. No, the other one.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Babe 2, Pig on my T*tties

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Three hours and I still haven't been able to get that freaking dog treat commercial earworm out of my head- beggin beggin beggin beggin beggin... it's BACON!

Best of dadoctah
Once you've seen this, if you ever order a salad again in your life, I've got news for you: you're gay.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Some Tuedays Are Better Than Others



1. Y'know, I like the Brokeback Mountain sequel way better than the original.

2. "Let me get you warmed up while Hillary puts on the Mexican Wrestler Mask."

3. Giving a whole other level of meaning to the phrase, "Ready for Hillary."

Best of Submariner
In Rosie's remake, Penny is the one who ensures that "Nobody puts Baby in the corner," not Johnny.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Welcome to Chick-Fil-A-She-Oh

Best of Best of
    Celebrate the dawn of our matriarchy before its inevitable subjugation.

Best of Dr. Doom
Warming her up for Hillary, UR DOIN' IT RONG (no pants suits whatsoever), but please carry on...



Shorpy After Midnight



Threadwinner prince of leaves
    Cathy's original choice for his restaurant's name was "Chick-a-Filia", but it tested poorly with rural focus groups.

Best of Best of
    The Lil Rascals' Spanky was into some freaky stuff.

Best of Submariner
How about that? One little pecker on each side of the fence; strike that; both are on the same side now...

Best of Best of
No one could understand the warped mind that adapted Beakman's World for Chechnyan television.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Under ObamaCare, only PETA approved physicians will perform circumcisions.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Proving once again that the early bird gets the worm.
    Colonel Sanders dedicated the rest of his life to R-E-V-E-N-G-E.

Best of Best of
    Once you go rooster, lil FDR, you'll never need a polio booster.

Best of prince of leaves
    "Whoa, sweetie! No beak! NO BEAK!"

Best of Dr. Doom
    ORA: In Communist Russia chicken eats you...

Best of dadoctah
Little-known fact: towards the end, the Saturday Evening Post simply stopped opening unsolicited mail from Norman Rockwell.

Monday, July 08, 2013

The Next Mayor of NYC... They Deserve No Better



1. "You should know, Mr. Weiner, that in meatspace, I don't block people who show me unwanted dick selfies... I kick them in the nuts."

2. "Hey, Weiner, my eyes are up here. Weiner... WEINER!"

3. "Hands where I can see them, Twitter-boy."

4. Anthony Weiner's even more bizarre fetish was acting out the Jennifer Grey/Charlie Sheen jail scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 

5. "And I want the Government to stay outta my uterus, so you damn well better pay for my contraceptives, mister."

Best of Best of
    PSA: Looking pervs in the eye only encourages them. Use your pepper spray first--not your words that fall on deaf ears of sexual predators.

Best of Best of
No, I do not want to hear about your "John Henry" and its race against the steam-powered "hammer," Twitter.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I wouldn't vote for you if you were the last pervert hypocrite running for political office... and you're so not the last!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "For crying out loud, I just need ONE square! You can't spare ONE square?"

Best of metalgarth
    Daria and Beavis: the later years.

Best of Steve O
I have to agree. New York has had enough peace and prosperity. It's time to bring back the Democrats.

Too Soon



Am I the only one who thinks it would have been cool if the plane crashed and zonbies started shambling out of the wreckage?

Best of GregMan
As good a metaphor for ObamaCare as I've seen yet, except for the fact that people got out of the plane alive.

Best of Submariner
    Tonight on Hardball: "Why did George W Bush shoot down an airliner and how will our glorious leader, President Obama, manage to save all of our foreign relationships in spite of it?"

Best of Best of
    Somewhere, a vindicated John Madden nods his head and says, "boom," under his breath.

Best of Joshua
    ORA: "I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
In response to this unfortunate accident, heads of the major airlines have unanimously agreed to impose a $10 CONVENIENCE FEE on any flyer who experiences a safe landing.

Best of prince of leaves
    Let's just hope the Korean version of "Lost" doesn't have such a stupid ending.

Best of dadoctah
ObBlithelyFailingToDistinguishBetweenTwoCompletelyDifferentNationalities: Definition of "ground zero": finely chopped Japanese fighter plane.

Best of dadoctah
    And, merely because there were Asians involved: "Aiieee! Gojira!!!"

Saturday, July 06, 2013

Eccentrica Gallumbits proves to be a slight letdown



Best of chronos the wonder pig
    blondes can't count

Best of dadoctah
Once again, something wonderful gets screwed up by people who can't convert from metric.

Best of prince of leaves
    "Good news, honey! We're having triplets!"

Best of Best of
    The groupie Sally was fated to keep the cast of "Two and a Half Men" sated.

Best of Best of
More so than those from other parts of the Ukraine, Chernobyl girls bring their own special radiance to the sauna.

Best of Best of
Speechwriters, with their foot stool metaphor, never fully understood Reagan's "three knockers of conservatism" idea.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Eat your heart out, Chandler Bing!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Woo-hoo!", Hillary silently shouted to herself. "Now I've got a picture to send back to that wretched Anthony Weiner. Payback's a bitch, isn't it, Anthony?" And with a wicked cackle, Hillary signed the paperwork for her new intern.

Best of Submariner
    When asked how many dollars it takes to be happy, J Paul Getty is rumored to have replied "Just one more!"
    This photo of his Nanny goes a long way in explaining that answer in a new way.

Friday, July 05, 2013

Meanwhile...



1. Some women will do anything to avoid making me a sammitch.

2. A woman cowering in terror being chased by a man in a hood and a jockstrap? Just a typical weekend at the Clinton Residence.

3. I am often asked, "Whatever happened to dub? What's he doing these days?"... well....

4. The hooded wrestler was growing frustrated, "Why, she's harder to find than an enforceable border security provision in the Rubio Amnesty Bill."

5. Next week on "Hell's Kitchen," Gordon finally, totally, loses it.

Best of Best of
 That Nacho Libre movie is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Best of prince of leaves
    How radical feminists view every marriage.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
    Dammit, Hulk Hogan, I already told you that breaking into women's homes is not a good way to get their number.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Thawtbubble: Does this cupboard make my ass look fat?

Best of Spin
    The letter "M" brought to you by Yo Mama

Best of Vinneh
    Nothing says lovin' like something from the oven,...

Best of Kaptain Krude
    The 2013 World Hide and Seek championships really turned into a nail-biter, eh?

Best of Submariner
    "Marco..."

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Star Spangled Boobehs

America: 4 July 1776 to 6 November 2012
We had a pretty good run.




Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Well, Someone's Ready for Hillary



1. Every time M'Chel stays at a hotel, the staff responds the same way.

2. Chris Matthews's personal assistants went on strike this week...

3. So many Andrew Sullivan fantasies contained on one 3x5 sheet of posterboard.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    reverse side:
    Obama
    Don't Forget To Send This Month's Foreign Aid Check

Best of dadoctah
    An object lesson in the importance of properly-placed commas.

Best of Vinneh
Boy, Jay Z is into everything.

Best of Best of
    Critics predict the forthcoming M. Night Shyamalan production, "Signs 2: Egyptian Boogaloo," will fail to rouse audiences if it bombs after opening day.

You Have the Right to Remain Naughty




Best of chronos the wonder pig
    just another RIM job on the line

Best of Best of
    Keeping the world secure, Gaddafi's former bodyguards patrol the blighted streets.

Best of RonF
The change from "strip search" to "stripper search" has made it a lot easier to get compliance from suspects.

Best of Dactyl
For some reason, Fort Lauderdale's stop-and-frisk policy was a lot less controversial than New York's.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"No ma'am, I don't have any handguns. (heh heh heh) But I do have a permit for a long rifle, if you'd like to see it. (heh heh heh)"

Best of Vinneh
As governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton make some sweeping changes in the Little Rock police force.

Best of Steve O
Actually, I'm pretty sure I have drugs, or something illegal in there somewhere...

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

The Man in the Salmon Pink Trousers


1. Anthony had no idea how strong his support in the gay community was until he heard them  chanting "We want Weiner! We want weiner!"  

2. By regularly polling his constituents, Weiner kept a firm grip on the ups and downs of public sentiment, resulting in an eruption of support on election day. 

3.The intern holding up the sign will soon be the $250,000 a year bureaucrat in charge of implementing Obamacare; that's how the Democrat party works. 

4. Drag Queen: "No thanks. Seen it already." 

5. Drag Queen: "(Sigh) No, I'm not Lady Gaga either. Not all Drag Queens are Lady Gaga, Weiner."

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
It's only slightly surprising that Anthony Weiner and Kelly Osbourne's affair worked out.

Best of ???
Putting a spin on the iconic Napoleon pose, Weiner makes all public appearances with at least one hand down his pants.

Best of ???
Weiner garners the essential backing of Alan Grayson, political queen-maker.

Best of ???
Suspicions of Huma's anti-Semitism were confirmed after she dressed and acted as Kyle Broflovski's mom, from South Park, to a bewildered audience.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Oh, I wish I was Anthony's Wiener
That is what I really want to be
For if I was Anthony's Wiener
Everyone would have a Picture of me!

Best of Kaptain Krude
Either this is a photo-op for Anthony Wiener, or a re-creation of the infamous rear-end collision of a porn star, I'm not sure.

Best of Jack Reacher
A benefit will be held at 10:00 Friday for the people injured by Weiner's dash to get in front of another camera.

Best of Jack Reacher
The tryouts for "Glee" cast members are scraping the bottom of the barrel, obviously.

Best of Vinneh
There's something about 5 o'clock shadow on a chick that get's Tony Weiner randy.

Monday, July 01, 2013

Treegina

1. The Sandra Fluke Memorial Garden attracts thousands of visitors every year.

2. Someone on 4Chan just *had* to mention Ent Pron.

3. "Hillary's is bigger, but it doesn't smell as nice."

4. Some days, even trees can feel "not so fresh."

5. Ellen DeGeneres's new house features a fascinating take on the Victorian hedge maze.

Best of blue
just begging for a RIM job.....

Best of Submariner
What else would you expect to find in the Clinton Library's garden?

Best of Submariner
If you think THAT'S odd, you should see the topiary over at NAMBLA!

Best of ______________
The rededicated green space, "Eve Ensler Park," saw an attendance decline with families offset by a tremendous increase in rapist activities.

Best of _________
Betty White, showing how hip and edgy she could be, decided to shave live on TV.

Best of prince of leaves
Thoughtbubble: "Funny, I have this strange, sudden, compelling urge to transplant a sapling."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The Pelosi Tree - A grey wrinkled pooch and a large hole in need of a plug.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Man, that's the biggest ashhole I've ever seen I've ever seen I've ever seen!"
You didn't have to repeat yourself.
"I didn't."

Best of Kaptain Krude
This post is Vincent Smetana approved: "One more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian . the pictures of tits and animals having sex on your blog reveal the deep sickness you truly possess and explain your desire to hide behind "faith" and "good deeds" to cover up what a sick (intercourse) you really are."

Best of GregMan
As Vincent Smetana stared into the crotch of the Great Brazilian Twat Tree, he slowly realized he had posted his smug, self-righteous, lame, preachy comments on possibly the worst of all websites to do so on.

Best of metalgarth
Monsanto has really gone to far this time!

Best of Submariner
I prefer to use box hedges, myself...

Best of Vinneh
"And children that's why they named it pussy willow."