Friday, August 30, 2013

How Do You Spot the Bride At a Polish Wedding?



Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Predating Miley "The Virus" Cyrus, Dave Edmunds' daughter tried hard to live up to her dad's lyrics.

Best of Adjustah
"Lohan will never see through my clever disguise!",though Herbie. "Wait, what, what are they doing? No!"

Best of Steve O
I'd make that car my daily driver in a second if it meant I could marry that babe.

Best of prince of leaves
The "creative" wedding photo shoot was going swell, until Zosia stretched her pose back just a little too far and the Communist-era antique collapsed into a punji-pit of jagged metal and shards of plywood.

Best of prince of leaves
The virgin bride was disappointed to discover that he *actually* said he had a Lada and he paints.

Best of Double the U
The poor groom found out that he should always look under the hood before making a commitment. Now that same sex marriage was legal, he was stuck.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Wow, Olan Mills Portrait Studio has really let itself go.

Best of Dr. Doom
    'Ow to speak Australian: Hood Ornament...

The Circle Is Complete


I got nothing. What do you say, random caption generator:

"She will be an innocent magician sometimes."

Best of metalgarth
    Sabe 'er? I hardly know 'er!

Best of Adjustah
Later that night, as Leia stood over him, Han Solo realized that perhaps he shouldn't have flirted with that Twi'lek waitress...

Best of ???
    May the queef be with you.

Best of dadoctah
    I've got a bad feeling about this. No, not bad. What is the word...TINGLY!

Best of prince of leaves
Do-it-yourself hemorrhoid cauterization lasers took away the stigma of a visit to the doctor's office.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    The CPSC issued an emergency dildo recall after 7 women were seriously injured attempting to follow the insertion instructions. Apparently, Fig 1 was printed upside down and backwards.

Best of Submariner
    Excuse me honey, but anus cauterization is NOT the same as applying a butt-closure.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Bear Bra


1. Early marketing campaigns for the Mansierre were kind of... edgy.

2. "This should turn some heads on Fire Island Labor Day, sweetie."

3. Distracting, pointless, decidedly unmanly... but enough about Obama bombing Syria. Check out the hairy moobs on that bear.

4. Went to 'Random Caption Generator.' Got: "He will be a pathetic feminist always." I'll take it.

5. "Don't worry, Ms. Maddow, we'll have you cleaned up in time for the broadcast." 

Best of Submariner
Tonight's episode of "Tool Time" was directed by Ang Lee. Viewer discretion is recommended.

Best of Best of
Few know how Merlin Olsen really secured the FTD Florists pitchman gig.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks like the Miss Saskatchewan contest will be pretty tough this year...

Best of Submariner
Gillete's been helping the Sasquatch's to hide in suburbian Seattle! Who knew?

Best of GregMan
Enough already with the Hillary Clinton pictures.

Best of Whacko
Sometimes manscaping should be done by another man. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

This Week on "Ow! My Nuts!"


1. And in Hillary;s first term, the ATF confiscated everybody's gund and kicked them in the nuts to boot.

2. Video of the Egyptian riots are only enhanced when you speed them up and play Benny Hill music.

3. "Mock my tight ballet leggings will you!"

4. "Respect my authoritah!"

5. "Is this how they say hello where you come from?"

Best of ????
    In the Mossberg 500 vs Remington 870 debate, a 500 advocate offers a rejoinder.

Best of Dr. Doom
    TSA training is getting more true to life every day...

Best of Dr. Doom
    I see the new IRS rules for reviewing Tea Party non profits have kicked in...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You're right, this is awkward. What kinda lame ass cop gets his shoestring caught in a perp's fly? Stop hopping around, I don't want this going viral any more than you do!

Best of dadoctah
    Meanwhile, back at the auditions for the New Village People....

Best of Submariner
    ORA:
    Pay attention faggots:
    It's one-two-three-twirl, one-two-three-kick!

Best of Submariner
    AoD meets dub; film at 11!

Best of Dactyl
    On the bright side, it made him forget all about what Miley Cyrus did to him.

Best of Dr. Doom
    If Chuck Norris was in charge of the TSA...

Looking for a Few... Um, Good Men



Best of Submariner
    His first question was "How early in training do I get issued a nightstick?"

Best of Submariner
    It isn't what you think; AoM just sent her pool-boy to see if she left anything at the table.

Best of GregMan
"Can I be in charge of cavity searches?"

Best of Best of
    The Police Academy holds a job faire in the Blue Oyster.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "You may be overqualified for the NYPD but you should fit right in with the ObamaCorps....."

Best of Best of
    An unforeseen consequence of the Stop, Frisk, and Fist policy

Best of racerboy
"Why yes, sir! I'm sure we can find a position for you... er... fit you in somewhere... um... nevermind..."

Best of prince of leaves
 September 1992: Barack Obama visits the Man's Country career fair, but later reconsiders changing from law to law enforcement.

Best of dadoctah
    Now if we can just find a construction worker and an Indian....

Best of Adjustah
    Ben Affleck's leaked Batman audition tape.

Best of Dr. Doom
The SFPD finished it's test market of their new class A uniforms. They were determined to be FABULOUS by most test officers. As an added bonus, workers comp claims for heat stress injury were reduced by over 85%...

Best of Submariner
    I don't care how good it is for my posture and back health Seargant, I AIN'T wearin' this uniform on bike patrol!

Monday, August 26, 2013

Dazed and Confused in His Underwear


1. Robert Plant never knew when Miley Cyrus was going to start twerking in front of him, and he wanted to be prepared.

2. The other boys thought Bradley Manning was a little strange, but it was a soccer team, so no one paid him any mind.

3. "So, yeah, my van is right back there and I've got candy and puppies..."

4. The origin of the "Point at the Camera" Douchebag pose. 


So, This Happened...

So, all those uptight people in the fifties who were ruthlessly mocked for proclaiming that rock and roll music would destroy our culture and society... I think we owe them an apology. We're sorry, uptight people of the fifties. You were right all along. If we had known this was the endgame, we would have strangled Chuck Berry with his own guitar strings.



1. OK Western Civilization, you can leave now.
2. Now I see why Muslims hate us. In fact, I'm starting to hate us.
3. And if you say 'Beetlejuice' three times, he will show up and perform Buttsecks on you.
4. Somebody tweeted this to Anthony Weiner. He said it was inappropriate.
5. Future VMA's will be presented in plain brown wrappers. 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Because Nobody Could Read the Text If it was a Stinger



The Best of That Guy
    This reverse psychology on tailgaters may backfire terribly at the nearest truck stop.

The Best of Kaptain Krude
    "...but my son is not confused! I can't imagine where people got such a silly idea!"

The Best of Submariner
    (choose one: Bawney Fwank, Johhny Weir, Andrew Sullivan, Sen. Reid) was last seen cruising BH Obama Jr High, cruising for dates.

The Best of Joshua
    Is this an Anthony Weiner bumper sticker? Reality keeps getting weirder every day so I have no idea anymore.

The Best of prince of leaves
    And he wonders why his van keeps getting rear-ended.

Friday, August 23, 2013

I Am Tired and It's Been a Long Week So Here's Oprah in a Penis Dress



Best of  prince of leaves
    "Thanks, I got it in Switzerland. The saleswoman said it was the perfect look for me!"

Best of  prince of leaves
    "I was supposed to wear a *hoodie*? Oh. I must've mis-heard."

Best of  prince of leaves
I look at Oprah Winfrey and it makes me sad. Just imagine what she could have achieved if not for the institutionalized racism of American society.

Best of  Son Of The Godfather
    Very slimming!... The fact that you made me yak up my breakfast.

Best of The Anonymous Guy
A piece from Kathy Griffin's lastest collection of upscale urban camo for the discerning fag hag.

Best of  racerboy
    Does this dress make my head look big?

Best of  jimmy
    Oprah, I'm shocked. You're not usually the type to go off half-cocked like this.

Best of  GregMan
    Nope, Hillary's is still bigger.

Best of  Kaptain Krude
"Man, look at all the divots in this pavement. It's almost like some tremendous weight was put on two skinny poles and it started walking... Oh, hi, Oprah! Yep, it's a mystery."

Best of  Submariner
    How many jumping jacks before she also has bought a pearl necklace?

Best of  Joshua
    Oprah is campaigning for Anthony Weiner? This is a real game changer.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Mud Pies


1. Megyn Kelly was disappointed with the format of her new FoxNews show.

2.  Celebrating Filner's resignation; the Monor Way.

3. "I don't see what's so bad about mud people," said Paula Deen's grandson.

Best of  Jay Guevara
    The NEA finally relented and funded something worthwhile.

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
    Sasha & Malia - the post White House years......

Best of  Best of 
    Next on Cinemax: The Erotic Adventures of Pigpen

Best of  dadoctah
The grant said "a monument to the strong pioneer spirit of American women". Do *you* want to be the one who complains?

Best of  kg
    I see they've started practicing for President Hillary's Inaugural Celebration.

Best of  Submariner
    The Divine Miss M has a hot cousin who also owns a mud suit? Life is good!

Best of  Spineless Vertebra
    Replace the women with a shark and you have a Chelsea Handler metaphor.

Best of  prince of leaves
    Simultaneous thoughtbubbles: "Yeah, this is WAY better than molesting alligators!"

Best of  Son Of The Godfather
    I'm shocked!... Not even ONE "scum queen" reference?

Best of  Kaptain Krude
This game of Scissors Scissors Scissors is brought to you by... you guys aren't even listening anymore, are you?

F--k yeah! Bottom boobs!


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

What Can I possibly add?



Best of the Anonymous Guy
    Sponges float, as does cellulite...and my lunch. Herk!

Best of the Anonymous Guy
    Those were yellow high-heels she wore when she waddled in a half hour ago.

Best of Joshua
    Didn't I tell you not to go near those hooks?
   (obscure SpongeBob reference)

Best of kg
    SpongeBelly SquareButt

Best of the Anonymous Guy
    She's got a yellow streak a mile wide down her back. Who said anything about cowardice?

Best of dadoctah
    The seldom-seen female counterpart to the Brony movement.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Do Not Feed Or Molest:
    Simultaneously an excellent idea and not a problem...

Best of GregMan
    Found at last: the only woman in San Diego Mayor Filner (D) wouldn't molest.

Best of Submariner
    SPONGEWORTHY: YER DOIN' IT REALLY, REALLY WRONG

Best of Dactyl
    Hmm. Turns out I'm not 100% opposed to sharia law after all.

 

Hey, Cute Furry Animals


1. "And now our impression of Barack Obama at Man's Country."

2. "Hey, batter batter! Hey batter batter!"

 3. ORA? "Blood orgy! Bloody orgy!"

4. "Richard Gere is coming! Show your teeth if you value your life"

5. All species react the same way to the sight of Hillarys Clenis.

Threadwinner
 Theodore and Simon, although horrified, had always known Alvin would one day push Dave too far.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
    "Hey Kobe! We're open!"

Best of Dr. Doom    
"Oh nooo it's Mr. Gere again", squealed Chipper, "What is he doing to Lenny?"

Best of Steve O
    ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!
    ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "RACIST!!!! RACIST!!!"



Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Pride


1. "My son would address you himself, but he's in the little boys room blowing the Safe School Czar."

2. "And my son loves Weiner!" Another NYC Mayoral campaign event goes horribly awry. 

3. Anyone else hoping the guy in the beard and sunglasses is about to scream "Allahu Akhbar" and detonate his vest?

4. "Surely you've seen my son's award winning Science Fair Project on Killing Whores?"

5. "And Greg, then President Palin dropped a Daisy Cutter and blew them all to Hell," -- Christian Nation, Chapter 5.

Threadwinner curly
    A "great gay parent"? I guess that makes him a FAIRY GOD FATHER.

Best of GregMan
    "...and he's FABULOUS!"

Best of Best of
    A feral child feels no confusion but for the abstractions of civilization.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"...and who he chooses to love is nobody's business. Er, except that, well, here's a picture of him and a couple of guys he's hooked up with... But hey, leave his personal life out of this!"

Best of Submariner
    "...and it was damn hard to nurse him when he was little until I shaved my chest!"

Best of Submariner
"...and here are pictures of shim growing up, playing tea party and Barbies, the same as all the other little unisex kids at The Elton John Day Care!"

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Cankles 'n' Plugs Show



Threadwinner: jimmy
Plugs: "I mean, it's just unreal, isn't it? They manage to elect someone who makes *me* look intelligent, and *you* look principled!"
Best of Dactyl
    Which one is cankles and which one is plugs, again?

Best of dadoctah
    "Wait, I got another one! Chris Christie is so fat...."
    "How fat is he?"
    "He's so fat, when he sits around the House, he sits around the House AND the Senate!"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
    "So I told him, 'Go ahead. Do health care. It worked for me when I did it.'"

Best of metalgarth
 Alternate Reality X23459.1: When the Marines showed up at Bengazi and blasted those jihad wannabes to Kingdom Come. Wasn't that awesome Hill? I gotta run, Barry and I are looking into what useless government agencies we can shut down to reduce the deficits. He says the Department of Energy should go first and I think the Dept of Education should go first."

Best of Dr. Doom
    Joe: "...so then I said I always thought that was a door too sir."
    Hillary: "I would have told him you have to bow to it to get it to open..."

Best of Submariner
    Damn nice queef, Hil...

Nice knowing you all...

... because Vlad is going to kill me now.



1. "So, we use the hot tub time machine to go back to 1986, take some snapshots of a certain Harvard Law student doing stacks of cocaine with his Pakistani boyfriend, and make him your total bitch for his entire presidency. Great plan."

2. "You will not remove the rubber ducky from your rectum until I command, got that bitch." "Yes, sir, Herr Kommissarr." "Good boy."

3. ORA: "'Ello, my name is Simon. Would you like to see my drawrings?"
 

Best of metalgarth
    ORA: "What's everybody looking at?", "NOTHING"

Best of jimmy
    Vlad The Impaler Strikes Again!

Best of Best of
    I got a bad feeling about this James Bond trailer.
    Apparently, Robert Kraft didn't tell the whole story about how he had lost his Super Bowl ring.
    Going about the whole mail-order bride business all wrong, ain't you, son?

Best of Dr. Doom
    Vlad's leadership instruction videos on Youtube soon went viral...

Best of Submariner
    "...and I will hug him, and squeeze him, and call him Vlad..."

Friday, August 16, 2013

There Goes the Trailer Park



Best of metalgarth
    Does this make a "Roseanne" reunion more likely or less likely?

Best of racerboy
    Lousy camera angle. Can't see the van OR the river...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"No, no, no, John! You don't put *your* name on the sign! You put the pervert's name on it! Now, take this down, and put up the one with this, uh, 'Bill Clinton' on it, and do it right this time!"

Best of jimmy
    Some people will do anything to keep those damn kids off their lawn.

Best of dadoctah
    So if you should ever need the services of a *qualified* sexual predator, you know where to look.

Best of Spineless Vertebra
    Proof that some names are deceiving.

Best of Steve O
    Obviously, this isn't one of those high falutin' trailer parks.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
That's nothing. You should see the sign they make him wear around his neck after he made King Ralph.

Best of Submariner
    Den meeting start's at 7; see you then.

Harlem Beach

Brender 


1. Arnold was gonna find out what Willis was talkin' 'bout, or he was gonna blow his damn head off.

2. "It's a Muslim Day of Rage; in other words, a day ending in 'y.'"

3. "Be vewwy vewwy quite. I'm hunting cwazy ass cwackers..."


Best of Best of
    Gary Coleman stars in Blood Rhinestone

Best of HLam
    "What? You *don't* have a beach tag? Oh, have I got some bad news for you...."

Best of dadoctah
    "Good news, O.J! I found the real killer!"

Best of Dr. Doom
    The Pilot of Bay Watch Sierra Leone was a complete flop... except in Detroit...

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "At the firing range, the targets are rodeo clowns!"

Best of dadoctah
    Spanky and Alfalfa never saw Stymie coming for them. Not after he ditched the derby hat.

Best of Steve O
    Ain't no lunch money gonna be stolen today.

Best of Submariner
    Scouts in the Congo work on different merit badges than here...

Best of Submariner
    I got it through the Fast and Furious discount shop. Why?



Monors and Monorinas, Meet the Sexually Oblivious Female

Here: 15 pics


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Ride 'Em Cowgirl


1. Meanwhile, back in Bob Filner's subconscious.

2. Summer's Eve advertisements get more abstract every year.

3. Remember when K Marts just had pony rides in front?

4. "Hey, you two! Stop messing around with the centerpiece for Andrew Sullivan's wedding banquet.

5. What really goes on behind the scenes at the Clinton Foundation.

Hooters: Showing Far More Respect for Women than the Democrat Party


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Tuesday Weiner Exposure

Cue the Anthony Wieiner Theme Music 


1. In two years, when New Yorkers are asking themselves why they elected an insane communist lesbian superbitch as mayor, show them this picture.

2. "Double-sided for her pleasure, Mr. Abedin."

3. Weiner was so disappointed, he thought she was happy to see him until she took it out of her pocket.

4. "We brought you a snack; it smells like tuna 'cos it's leftover from the Slut Walk." 

5. Ironically, the black woman is taking a pic of the encounter that she will tweet to all of her friends.

Gayest Tuesday Pic Evah!


1. The Metrosexual Muslim president tries to get "Chorus-Lining" to replace "Tebowing."

2. "And my new Ministry of Silly Walks will create or save 100 billion kerjillion jobs."

3. "Damn, that last chili fart loosened my butt plug!"

4. It's true, America. A rodeo clown lost his job for making fun of this!

5. "Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal..."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    It's just a jump to the left
    ans a step to the right.....

Best of Joshua
    "I like the new IRS uniforms. But they should march something more like this."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "I really should have used more Crisco," thought the President.

Best of Best of
    Secret Service, the situation is nominal. As planned, the game with Ben Wa continues.

Best of jimmy
Hey, Stephanie...take a picture of this! This is just how I want the kids in the 'Obama's Youth' groups to march at the indoctrination rallies we talked about.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Things You Did Not Know About Obamalama #928
    His lifelong dream is to be a drum majorette in a Macy's Day Parade.

Best of dadoctah
    How much longer do we wait before Mr Bones and Mr Interlocutor get here?

Best of Dactyl
    Nevertheless, Jaden Smith beat him out for the 'Karate Kid' remake.

Monday, August 12, 2013

MSDNC's All Purpose Crawl



Best of Joshua
    ... OF RACISM.

Best of Best of
    Melissa Harris-Crazy's new softer, more feminine look

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    The origin of Zoolander's "Blue Steel".

Best of Best of
    VW showrooms will never move these Touareg units because they all come internally broken from factory on the Island of Misfit Toys.

Best of jimmy
"Whitey Found Guilty" was actually their second choice when choosing their new slogan, but they decided that "Grab the ankles" was the logical successor to "Lean Forward".

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
   Buckwheat's Thawtbubble - "Stay calm... You can do this ... NO, don't laugh!... Quick, think of a tragedy- kitten squashed by car - It's just 3 little words, nothing like the "I Love You" I toss around to get laid... Oh no, I feel a giggle... CUT!! Bwahahahahahahaha

Back Alley Abortion




Best of Steve O
    I think I can see the grease spot in the middle of the alley where Hope died.

Best of Dr. Doom
    I see Martha's Vineyard has pulled out all the stops decorating for the President's vacation...

Best of Best of
    Malignant envy just ain't worth the paper it's printed on.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Um... Not Sure ... What to... Make of... This



Best of Best of
    If the red head's not an old midget, we're all in trouble for viewing the start of this movie.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Kobe, I'm open!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
What's weirder, the sign that could presumably say "Suction cup", or the fact that C-3PO and Papa Smurf are both watching from the side?

Best of Submariner
    Officer White's thawt bubble: "One of us is going to enjoy this..."

Best of Steve O
 My guess is that tomorrow's scene will show how teen Barbie got out of being arrested (though not out of the handcuffs).

Best of jimmy
Barbie's Crack House" was a good seller in Detroit and DC, but never really caught on elsewhere.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Robot Chicken meets Lindsy Lohan

Best of metalgarth
    Ken's got some pretty funky stuff on his hard drive...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Is that a vestigial tail or is Leroy the Cop just not anatomically correct?

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Back at the Slut Walk with Creepy McCreeper



Best of Jay Guevara
    Participation in the SlutWalkDC march increased by 535 once Congress recessed for the day.

Best of prince of leaves
    Now we know how the bukkake ruined his carpet.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I hope they have the "Smelly Pirate Hooker" Float again this year.

Best of Best of
    The former Mrs. Gavin Newsom can't believe there's a shop in NYC offering false lashes for under $20. Squee!

Best of jimmy
    He left after seeing the "Salute to the Babes of Bill Clinton" double-decker bus ride past, but didn't realize the other two buses had yet to arrive.

Best of dadoctah
    Way to keep yourself in the hearts and minds of TMZ viewers there, Geraldo!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Man, if there is one thing I hate more than anything, it's a bunch of ugly women parading up the street carrying a banner pretending that they are being victimized somehow. .... Oh, crap, there's some behind me right now, isn't there?" How the Slut Walk turned into the Slut Run.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Leading From Behind

Brender 



1. There's a metaphor for Hillary and the MSM in here somewhere.

2. Spinal Tap finally got an album cover approved that was neither sexy nor sexist.

3. And to think some people believe that Pride Parades present a negative image of the gay community.

Best of Dr. Doom
Drudge Breaking:   Today, on the National Mall, the DNC sponsored a presentation of its platform using the medium of interpretive dance...

Best o'  Carpe Phlogiston
Just when you thought those Summer's Eve feminine hygiene commercials couldn't get any more oblique...

Best o'  chronos the wonder pig
    Gee, none of them are named Kunt...

Best of dadoctah
As seen in this clip from the Downton Abbey blooper reel, the 1% have always had it pretty good.

Best o'  GregMan
    I see they're already practicing for the Hillary Clinton Inaugural Parade.

Best o'  GregMan
    MSNBC really pulls out all the stops when they announce their new fall schedule.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "We DEMAND you treat us, and all who practice our lifestyle with dignity and respect!"

Best of Dactyl
    More Abu Ghraib photos were released this week...

Best of metalgarth
Stage 3 of being a Brony.

Besto Besto
    Europe can't get no satisfation awaiting Devo/Flock of Seagulls tour dates.
    Madonna's a stingy bitch, forcing her back-up dancers to search for her missing contact lens. Lady Gaga'd never pull that kind of stunt...well, not for another ten years anyway.

Best of metalgarth
    SLUT WALK: UR DOIN' IT JUST SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT

Thursday, August 08, 2013

Let the Puppies Breathe





How Did I Miss This One?



Threadwinner Steve O
NBC shows a picture of the bear when he was cute and cuddly, not as the 400 pound predator that he was.

Best of Best of
     I hope you got it stuffed and mounted.

Best of Submariner
    So it went the way of the beaver, eh?

Best of Dr. Doom
    The decree of the MSNBC board of directors when one of their anchor women goes conservative (like that would ever happen)...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    The Kunt is Dead, Long Live the Kunt

Best of Best of
    Police are following all leads. The inspector has not ruled out the fact that
    Furries always kill after they mate.

Best of Steve O
I'll like to make a crack that all Kunts are cute when they're young, but I don't think I can make it work here.

Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Leno and Lamo



1. "And then M'Chel said, 'Give me back my eatin' shovel or I'll jam this fern right into your chest...'"

2. "... and then, beginning right after the 2014 elections, we will begin exterminating the white race."

3. "We always knew that fascism had both efficient aspects and oppressive aspects, and we knew people liked one of those aspects and hated the other one, and unfortunately, we got our implementation a little backwards..."

4. "I don't know why people complain that they can only work 28 hours a week. Hell, that about seven times as many as I work."

5. "Let me be clear, I have no idea what Ed Snowden did. But, um, I have, um chased him around the world and demanded, his, um, prosecution."


Best of GregMan
    "When I give oral to Reggie Love, I hold his c*ck with my right hand, like this."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Jay, did you notice that NBC canned you when you started making jokes about me?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Of course I'm sure we can find a position in my administration for a person of your talents," reassured the President, "How does Safe Embassies Czar sound to you?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jay, I saw the cutest blonde in a red skirt with yasooms out to here looking at peanuts at the store across the street. NSA's running a facial recognition search. Will you have her on your show?

Best of  of
    "I may have gotten some funny herb backstage, Jay. Can I touch your cotton candy thoughts wafting from the top of your ice cream cone chin, Jaaaayyy?"

Best of Double the U
    Hey Jay... If you want to know why you are getting fired from the Tonight Show... it was me. I told them to fire you.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Old Drag Queens of Wal-Mart




1. It's like a weird, Ang Lee mash-up of I, Claudius and Laverne & Shirley.
2. Still adjusting to civilian life, Barney Frank wonders how they make peanuts out of footballs.
3. "Can I afford football peanuts on the salary of an ABC News producer?"
4. As the Alzheimer's grew worse, Edwin kept flashing back to his days as FDR's mistress, Lucy Mercer Rutherford.
5. Sometimes the nurses at the home got just plain mean and swapped the old ladies' Estrogen pills with the old men's Alzheimer meds.

Best of jimmy
On a lost episode of The Golden Girls, Rose is concerned when a confused Miles starts wearing her clothing to do his shopping.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Sally reminisces: " I used to have nuts!"

Best of Dr. Doom
It looks like the budget cuts at the Justice Department have reached the Witness Protection Program...

Best of Spin
    Girl in the background thinks, Nice Tits

Best of Steve O
    Ted? Ted Danson???

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    After Jeff's twin sister passed, it seemed foolish to just give all those nice clothes away.

Best of Submariner
    "...and then a 60 year old Marty swoops in when he reaches the cantalopes, throws him across his hovercycke, and says; Doc! Thank Goodness! We REALLY gotta get you back to the future to fix this!"

    From the pitch to Warner Bros execs for 'Back To The Future XIV: We've Run Out Of Ideas'

Best of Steve O
    I offered him $50 to go shopping like that. Man, I tell you -- Ted Danson will NOT turn down a role.

Pretty In Pink


1. Rahm Emmanuel relaxes at home.
2. When Glamour Shots go horribly awry.
3. Normal: As defined by people who voted for Obama.
4. How to dress for an interview with ABC News.
5. John Stossel goes undercover in the Child Beauty Pageant circuit.

Threadwinner: jimmy
    Gosh, Duchess Kate sure could use a Snickers bar right about now....ORA

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
    In one fell swoop, staff sergeant Evans eliminated both the need to ask and to tell.

Best of Submariner
LKCTF: Freddy Mercury first wanted wanted to name the band "Four Staights Who Want To Blow Their Vocalist" but settled for "Queen" when one of the guitarists muttered it under his breath.

Best of Submariner
    When did Rachel Maddow start wearing pink?

Best of Spineless Vertebra
    Mario took it extremely hard when he failed to save Princess Peach in time.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Ah, yes, the proverbial uncle absolutely nobody wants to have show up at a family reunion, wedding, funeral, bris, etc.

Best of dadoctah
    Yes, Miss America. DAMN affirmative action!

Monday, August 05, 2013

The Loneliest Obamatologist

What is sadder? The fact that hardly anyone came out to ObamaCare Support Group or the fact that Politico tried to hide that fact that no one turned up for the ObamaCare Support Group.


1. Next time Mildred would remember to offer punch and pie when she held an Obamacare rally.

2. A little while later, the "Friends and Families of Victims of Auto-Erotic Suicide" joined the Obamacare meeting out of a mix of pity and a sense of shared tragedy since both sides had been betrayed by a complete jackoff.

3, "Is this the People Who Support Obamacare Group or the People Who've Found a Full-Time Job in the Obama Recovery Group?" "Both Actually." 

Best of Spin
    "Everyone's laxative must have kicked in"

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "zzzz snort huh? Hey, that was a great speech by Obama, wasn't it, gu... hey, where'd everybody go?"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
 Well at least this beats sitting in the empty stands with your friend wearing a yellow poncho in the rain.

Best of Best of   
 Inconsolable photographer hiding under table displays dangerous lack of enthusiasm for Party event and is to be marginalized as an upskirt seeking pervert.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Meanwhile, at the Concerned Taxpayers of Detroit membership drive...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    "I mean, I'm speaking to you from deep inside a real big empty."
    ORA M*A*S*H & Col. Henry Blake

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Yup, those lab-grown burgers are selling like... about like you'd expect.

Best of Submariner
    I call this meeting or the A-Rod Forever Fan Club to order...

America's Brain Trust


1. Just to get it out of the way, "If you have a better way of exchanging long protein strands, I'd like to see it."

2. "Don't leave me in a room alone with her, Joe."

3. "Has that bust of Lincoln always been looking away in shame, or is it just since you three took over?"

4. "Knock it off with the gay jokes, Hillary. FYI: There wasn't a lot of hand-holding at Man's Country."

5. Hillary: And because you've been so good to poor old Hillary, I'll share a secret with you. This is no ordinary apple, it's a magic *wishing* apple.
Obama: A wishing apple?
Hillary : Yes! One bite, and all your dreams will come true.
Obama: Really?
Hillary : Yes, girlie. Now, make a wish, and take a bite.


Threadwinner metalgarth
    We're going to do something anal in an adult and pleasurable context. You in Hill?

Best of GregMan
    "Hil, we thought you'd want to be the first to know: Joe and I are getting married."

Best of Best of
    Obama's dog tries to run away with his homework.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    At first, I thought this was Jeff Dunham and Walter, then I saw all of them were dummies.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"OK guys, the hand holding doesn't phase me, but you're mistaken if you think no one can see you tickling each others palms with your middle fingers. Get a room."

Best of Submariner
    So Barry; what'd you and Joe do on your July vacation at Avaoln Manor?

Best of Best of
    A few bad apples

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Hope & Change reached its nadir when limp-wrist high fives became commonplace.

Best of Submariner
    ORA: Thanks Morpheus, but I think we'll all stick with the blue pill. We have THIS reality by the balls...



Friday, August 02, 2013

Lookit Teh Tits On That Thang


1. No, the face is not San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. Or maybe it is.

2. I haven't that much saggage since the last time I watched 'The View,' which was necessary.

3. When Hillary is president, every time you hear the phrase 'the White House launched a trail balloon,' this is the image that will be in your head.