Monday, September 30, 2013

Hung Poo Is Lovely This Time of Year


Meanwhile Back at the TSA


1. (Kid:) "So... will you call me?"

2. "So, If the plane explodes, do we die instantly or do we fall screaming, covered in flaming jet fuel? Just askin'"

3. "Your hands... so strong and... firm. Not like the Safe School Czar at all."

4. TSA Agent: "It's twoo! It's twoo!"

5. Kid: "Ah, I see you are familiar with the meaning of a teal hankie." 


Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Demonstrating the need for Hand Job gloves

Best of metalgarth
    Do you like movies about Gladiators?

Best of Submariner
 A family picture of a young Barry Obama and his "Uncle" Frank Marshall Davis enjoying a game of "Cops and Activists" surfaced recently.

    Explains quite a bit, doesn't it?

Best of GregMan
    Obama at Man's Country: The Early Years








Friday, September 27, 2013

What the Hell Is That?

Kaptain Krude



1. "They're called tits, y'big homo."

2. "Are we in Amsterdam?" "No, Earl, it's just a poster."

3. "When did Ann Coulter start modeling for Victoria's Secret? There's gonna be boycotts."

It's Called "Lipotrophy" Monors



1. 12.98 for a small orange 'Slippery When Wet' tent is a pretty good price, Akshully.

2. (Sigh) "Why can't there be Triple Doors?"

3. You know, when you have to use the Freight Entrance at Wal-Mart, you may need to rethink your dietary habits.

4. The gravitational field of her right ass cheek absolutely precludes a level pants-line.

5. It's not very often you see a Coke machine actually retreat in fear.

Best of HLam
    I'd hate to be the security guy that has to check those folds on her way out.

Best of Submariner
    PA:
    "Wet clean up in parking aisle 7."
    "...and parking aisle 8."
    "...and parking aisle 9."
    "...and the main store entrance."

Best of Whacko
    I might do her if it wasn't for that tramp stamp.

Best of Best of
    Uhhhhhh, does that Walmart sell eye bleach? Just askin...

Best of Kaptain Krude
    How dub sees Victoria's Secret models.

Best of dadoctah
Fortunately, Violet lived in the one part of the country where people routinely saw the image of Jesus in her back fat.

Best of prince of leaves
    Proof positive that yes indeed, backboobs can have their own cameltoes.

Best of curly
    Her ass was so big it had babies.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Wow, Michael Moore has really.... lost a lot of weight.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
A groggy Gertrude's just returned from a discount liposuction clinic in Tijuana where right before going under the knife she heard the doc mutter, "Don't worry, chica... with my dent puller and a little Bondo you'll look good as new."

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Back in Black



1. "And its made of the same space-age megapolymer used in space suits and Sandy Fluke's diaphragm."

2. "The studded leather door to the glory hole room at Man's Country? Aw, guys, you shouldn't have."

3."Um, it's, um, cool and everything, now, um, how do we start a welfare program to make sure everybody gets one of... whateverthefck it is."

4. In November 2016, as one of his last acts in office, Obama visits the last two employed people in America... to deliver their layoff notices.

5. "I spit on your stupid invention. Hrok! Ptui!"

Best of adamsunderground
    Magic mirror below my hand, who is the vainest under my command?

Best of dadoctah
    "Spirits of the underworld, I command thee--RISE!"

Best of Double the U
    Wow.... when I wave my hands I see trails...

Best of Submariner
"...and you're absolutely, positively, SURE that nothing can penetrate this and find my birth certificate and college transcripts?"

Best of GregMan
    "...and then the photons interact with the quantum levels of the rare earth metal's electron shells, and... oh screw it, I'm just gonna go over to Man Country and suck some more d1ck."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "I don't understand the real world."

Best of jimmy
Obama announces he has awarded $700 million (in small, unmarked bills) to Rocco and Bubba, who have patented a "recovery trampoline," which Obama insists will make the economy bounce back better than ever.

Best of curly
    You're in good hands...with Alinsky State.

Everybody Is Doing This One



1. Clinton's thought bubble: "I see his lips flapping but all I hear is 'Can I get you some more coffee, sir?'"

2. SCOAMF: "Ha! I knew she was! My gaydar is flawless!"

3. SCOAMF: "And what inspired you to have the offices of the Clinton Global Intiiative decorated in the style of a 1970's Porn Club?"

4. "If she starts twerking, I'm leaving."

5. Hillary always felt uncomfortable when she *wasn't* the biggest bitch in the room.


Best of dadoctah
Under questionable advice from Gargamel, Bubba Smurf tries once again to palm off Smurfette on Kenyan Smurf.

Best of Submariner
    Blue man group has really lowered their qual requirements...

Best of Steve O
Knowing how attractive he must be to the former first lady, President Teleprompter subconsciously semi-cradles his own breasts as he confers with President Clinton.

Best of GregMan
    "C'mon, Bill, tell me you didn't actually used to hit that!"

Best of Joshua
"Dude, we're partying at the White House. Look at all this free shit. Here, have a Snickers. You're like an old white politician when you're hungry."

Best of Logan
"Carousel... last day... Capricorn 22..."

Friday, September 20, 2013

Uncle Sam: Gynecologist Coming this Fall on Fox.


Best of adamsunderground
Apply topical cream for chronic rashes. See a shrink and census data for any feverish visions of theocracy...unless it's about that sneaky Dr. Cohen's ilk, iykwim.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    As Uncle Sam, I officially certify that Hilary's is bigger.....

Best of Joshua
"Oh I will get away with it, my dear. Let's just say that John Roberts would call this a tax."


I Could Watch This All Day

Cracked
 



Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Paris On Fire


1. Thoughtbubble. "I will never bet on the Redskins again.'
2. Billy Ray gets a little bit desperate to get some of Miley's attention.
3. Ang Lee remakes... aw, frack it....
4. "So... the Pride Parade was next Tuesday?"
5.  Deep in the subsections of The Syrian Resolution was a requirement for Obama to do a drag routine on the Champs Elysee while singing "I enjoy being a girl." Putin wins again.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Save a Horse, Ride a Cossack



Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "No Barry, I don't want a hand job."

Best of Double the U
    Putan is in the saddle and Obama is riding bareback. sigh.

Best of adamsunderground
    Brokeback Foreign Policy

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    The Kidnapping of Urkel, next on FOX!

Best of Dactyl
    "Uh, that doesn't feel like a saddlehorn."
    "Is saddlehorn. Hold on tight, I goad horse into trot."

Best of dadoctah
    And I thought Johnny Depp was a stretch for the role of Tonto....

Best of Rodney Dill
    You'd do it for Randolph Scott.

Best of GregMan
    As Barry found out over Syria, in Russia, Putin rides you.

Best of Submariner
    Bring out yer dead!

Best of Best of
    Russian Bear taking an American, well... an American Bottom to a secret negotiation site.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

And How Was Yer Saturday Night!



Best of Whacko
    It's only crazy if it doesn't work. Budweiser!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Attenborough whispers: Good grief, I've got to stop letting the Ratings Dept. pick our travel destinations!

Best of metalgarth
    I see Maplethorpe is pursuing a different demographic now.

Best of Dactyl
    I don't have a baby and I can't stand on my head. What else am I gonna do?

Best of Submariner
    dub is punished by the babe below for noting that she has "a hideous fat roll."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston

    All Jay Leno would say about this early photo of his college days was, "I swear, I thought I was helping Ralph with his physics project!"

Best of Double the U
    MOM! Look what I can do, look what I can do.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Littlest Weiner


1. "Richard Dawkins, you're my kind of atheist!"

2. "Wow, this kid's ass is tender. Maybe Harry Reid is on to something."

3.  "Daddy, tell me again how I owe my existence to Aunt Hillary and a turkey baster."

4. "That's it kid, now twist daddy's nipple ring! Harder!"

5. "You know what I hate, little guy? Balding black women with big coke-bottle glasses!"


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Sluts Ain't What They Used to Be


1. Even Rachel Maddow turned out in support of the Slut Walk.

2. "Oh, Well, Slut Walk's over. Time to go back to my internship in Rahm Emmanuel's office."

3. Ah, I see Sir Ian MacKellan brought a date to Patrick Stewart's wedding.

4. And yet, some people still doubt that teh gheys will treat marriage with the reverence and honor heterosexual couples do.

5. "I feel so naked without my nipple clamps."

Monday, September 09, 2013

Meanwhile, Back at the Slut Walk

Slut-Walk


1. Another rustler crosses Sheriff Scoamf's Red Line. 

2. Johnny Weir was never invited to ring the bell on Wall Street again. 

3. After the 46th time he asked "Do I make you horny, baby?" Someone finally punched him in the throat. No charges were filed. 

4. Ang Lee must be making either Wall Street or Urban Cowboy. I don't know which and I am not sure I want to know. 

5. Fort Worth would come to regret hosting the 2016 Democrat convention.

Best of Dr. Doom
    You really don't want to know how he celebrates a 'bear market'...

Best ofCarpe Phlogiston
    He got loose?!? FIND HIM!
    This is why Lynch never lets Merrill out in public without an escort.

Best of Submariner
Somehow, I think Geoffrey is going to be dissapointed in his idea for a 'Synchronizzed Investment Counselor Troop' for this year's Mummer's Parade...

Best of metalgarth
    you really don't want to see the rodeo clown...

Best of Submariner
    All things considered, this is still wa-a-a-a-ay more manly than Obama as a cowboy...




Marlboro Man? No, More Like Kool Lights


I thought the black guy was the sailor. - Chronos the wonder pig



1. "Tell me what you think, guys. Is this scarf simply fabulous, or just a little over the top?"

2. "Rustlers? That crosses my red line. I'm going to have to do something about this. Or, maybe not. If I do do something it will just be a warning shot. Just a limited, contained, warning shot to let them know who's in charge. Where'd my posse go? Who said anything about a red line? Is there a golf course anywhere around here?" 

3. "Rahm, before we go out to Man's Country, does the red handkerchief go on the right or left if you're submissive?"

Best of Submariner
    Anyone in this here Cabinet MAN enough to be the cowpoke in my fantasy?

Best ofchronos the wonder pig
    Blazing Saddles II - Black Bart joins the Village People.

Best of metalgarth    
Best looking Rodeo Clown I've ever seen

Best ofSteve O
    "Howdy! Howdy! Howdy! I'm a COWBOY! And I'm one of the best cowboys EVER, I'll bet."

Best ofGregMan
“I'm Yosemite Barry - The rootinest, tootineest, butt-stuffiest Community Organizer is ever crossed the Moscow River!”

Best of Steve O
    If I had a gay son, he would look like Cowboy Obama.

Best of curly
    Fastest gun grabber in the West.

Best of Rodney Dill
To sell America on Syrian action Obama pulled the old, "You'd do it for Randolph Scott" ploy.

What I Meant to Post on Saturday

Stupid lack of internet access 


Friday, September 06, 2013

We could be sharing secrets with role models, of course.



1. "No good. my mouth still tastes like Weiner."

2. The American Dental Association had... some kind of message... can't remember.... what is was.

3. "What's with your breath? Did you just come from an all-you-can-eat Sushi bar, or were you with Hillary last night?"

Best of Best of
    No, I'm not really a doctor, I don't play one on TV and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    if you don't want to brush so often, as your dentist, I advise more hand jobs......

Best of curly
   "With all of the carpet you've been munchin', you need a barber more than you need a dentist."

Best of Spineless Vertebra
"It disturbs me that you have cat hair between your teeth. I mean hasn't anyone told you that you're not supposed to eat them raw?"

Thursday, September 05, 2013

Tittehs 4 Thurzdeh


^^^^^^^ This is Banner-Worthy ^^^^^^^^^^

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Weiner Sausage



Best of adamsunderground
    They're vessels from Invasion of the Body Snatchers;
    don't fall asleep, NYC!

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Oh good - it looks like I got here before Rep. Frank this time," thought Mr. Weiner

Best of Dr. Doom
"Now I just have to figure out how to strap this sucker to my leg and Carlos Danger is back in business..." thought Mr. Weiner.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Hillary's is bigger"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Weiner: "The hell with the political repercussions... if I can get Doc Erectile to augment me with this implant, I'm back in the sexting biz, boys!"

Best of Rodney Dill
    Weiner? I don't even know her

The Brain Trust


1. "Hey Hagel, 1984 called, it wants its Miami Vice fashion sense back."

2. And, once again, the meeting endured an abrupt silent halt as the cabinet paused to watch Joe Biden eat his boogers.

3. "We need to get Boehner on board. Do we still have the picture of him with the two young boys and a Schnauzer?"

4. "Pizza or Chinese? What a stupid question. You can't get dog meat on  pizza."

5. "You think, um, next Correspondants Dinner I should tell some, um, red line jokes? Or will people still be upset because I, um, pointlessly killed hundreds of people?"

Best of metalgarth
Never mind the crisis in Syria, we've got to find a way to keep Futurama on the air for 2 more seasons.

Best of Submariner
    Joe's thawt bubble: "What the hell was I thinking when I called him smart and articulate?"

Best of metalgarth
 Once Obama tried to pick "Albert Pujols" for his running back, they knew their Fantasy Football draft and league was doomed.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Obamalama: Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
    Biden: apple
    Rice: three hundred and eleven
    Gay guy in the fab-U-luss green & pink threads: billions and billions of stars
    Obamalama: Jeez, doesn't anyone listen to me?
    Everyone: Nope

Best of Dr. Doom
"Holder - I didn't get a harumph out of that guy over there," shouted the President, "Indict him for something immediately..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"So that is 15 for Head and 1 against and of course I abstained," tallied the President, "It looks like you are on the losing side again Susan..."

Best of jimmy
Are we really surprised by the revelation that Obama watches both "Days of our Lives" AND "General Hospital" during cabinet meetings?

Best of GregMan
Every time Biden opened his mouth, the transcriptionist keeping the meeting minutes had to figure out how to spell "THTHPHBTL" or "fuh-fuh-hehhehheh".

Best of GregMan
    "Gentlemen, the plan to destroy Amerikkka is proceeding on schedule."


Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Dinner with Bashar



1. "... and then Bashar ripped into his spit-roasted goat and chanterelle truffles and in a manner reminiscent of Jenjis Khan..." John Kerry, Memoirs. 

2. "Wow, Gordon Ramsay is really ripping the chef a new asshole in there," Next time, on Kitchen Nightmares.

3. "No mustard, thanks. It gives me gas. Ha! I kill me!"

4. Assad: "Mrs. Heinz-Kerry, you're looking lovely this evening." Thereza: [RETCH!!]

5. "I'm John Kerry and I am REPORTING FOR DINNER!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "What!!!! No ketchup????"

Best of jimmy
In Swiftboat Kerry's inimitable way of making a bad situation even worse, he shook an entire bottle of Hunt's Ketchup on his braised goat leg, horrifying the Assads and making his wife throw him out of their room at the Damascus Howard Johnson's.

Best of GregMan
    "So, Bashar, up for some wife-swapping?"

Best of adamsunderground
    I say, old chum, can I get me a hunting license here? It would just tickle pink all the chaps down at my club to hear of my exploits in bagging a few local critters--the most dangerous game and all that, you know.

Best of Spineless Vertebrae
    "My understanding of the sign outside is that I can order some head here, right?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Bashar: "This meal is fabulous! I wonder what the little people are eating tonight?"
    Asma: "I wouldn't worry too much about it, husband. Do not forget that you had them all gassed..."
    John: "Did I ever tell you about the time I spilled gas on my hand and got a Purple Heart?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
We've replaced the gourmet coffee at this table with Folger's ground glass. Let's see if they notice...

Best of s
   "Hey I have an idea! Next person to bomb something has to pick up the check!"

Best of Steve O
    Mmm. That steak will be seared -- SEARED -- into my memory.

Best of prince of leaves
    ORA: "Bad...dates..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Look, Kerry, can my second cousin qualify for amnesty like the Gang of 8's giving to those 12 million illegal Mexicans? The deadbeat is eating me out of house and home.