Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Nother Lover Knife In Yo Head


1. "I should not have tried to take M'Chel's eatin' shovel."

2. And just when he got to the question "Are you currently experiencing blunt force trauma?" the Obamacare website crashed.

3. "According to WebMD, it could be Balls Palsy."

Best of  Whacko
    I think this is what they are calling a "preexisting condition."

Best of  metalgarth
    the new Ginsu infomercials are lot edgier than the old ones

Best of  chronos the wonder pig
    "ObamaCare doctor prescribes buttplug, Obamacare pharmacist gives me this!!"

Best of  Dr. Doom
    "I don't know it all happened so fast," said Chin Lee. All I did was ask Mrs. Clinton if I could have one of her Beaver Nuggets..."

Best of  Joshua
The first documented casualty of Obamacare died from injuries in his own home. After an unfortunate accident he bled to death while attempting to create a health care account online.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
        Looks like someone fell for the cheap Do-It-Yourself hair plug transplant kit.
   
Best of  Submariner
    Tip to the wise:
    In Detroit, never, ever, ever, never choose "trick" from a kid on Halloween...

Best of  GregMan
    The crazy part is a half-hour later he felt like getting stabbed in the head again.

Best of  Double the U
    The new Obamacare employees didn't not understand what was meant by "slice" on a CRT scan.

John Lewis (D-Georgia) Has An Angry



1. "It's a trap!"

2. "Who took my hair?"

3. Upon realizing that his vote for ObamaCare was based entirely on Obama lying to him, "Bitch set me up!"

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Well, this is disturbing

Um... Schneider... I think. 


There's a Mickey Mouse Club caption in there somewhere. Perhaps, several.

1. They're in love. Take your hate crime elsewhere.

2. This man is a pediatrician. If you like him, you can keep him.

3."Well, if you weren't so damned ugly, we wouldn't make you wear the mouse mask."

Best of dadoctah
Meanwhile back in Equestria: Scootaloo, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Applejack let out a collective sigh of relief that they got away just in time.

Best of Dr. Doom
Rahm Emanuel's uncle, Freddie seen here on Christmas morning ca. 1967. Shortly after this picture was taken Uncle "F" would counsel young Rahm on how to make full use of a good crisis...

Best of Anon
    Hell yeah!. Up high, bro! I'd knock the stuffing outta that!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    ♫ ♩ It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... ♬ ♪
    Applicants seeking to replace Mr. Rogers had to submit a video of themselves singing the theme song.
    Joey's was quickly handed over to the FBI.

Best ofSubmariner
    The young Hugh Hefner first toyed with Playboy Mousies...

Best of Scotty G.
    You complete me.




The Littlest Kardashian



Best of Arf
    Chelsea Clinton was always a very insightful child.

Best of dadoctah
    If that kid doesn't learn how to spell "family" correctly she's never going to amount to anything in life.

Best ofvDr. Doom
    Unfortunately neither of Little Cindy's Mommies can spell either...

Best of ???
    Whelps write the darnedest things

Best ofSubmariner
    Candace was only a presented with a participation award. But thankfully, her fragile self-esteem was not damaged by labeling.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Older than the Hill

Landslide McCain thinks Hillary of Benghazi will make a marvelous president. 
 

1. Based on the promo still, this week's episode of 'The Walking Dead' is gonna be kick ass!

2. "Ugh, get it off me! Get it off me!"

3. Fourteen people were hospitalized after atmospheric levels of 'old people smell' reached potentially toxic levels. 

Altered Carpe Phlogiston
    Wow, up close you're a bigger c*nt than my wife!
    Far away, too,  John.

Best of champaignken
    Just asking, but who in the world gave Hillary a pearl necklace?

Best of Submariner
    hey, Hey HEY!    I get my thrills ABOVE the waist and from girls, Grampaw.

Doug Gansler's Dance Party

The old guy taking the pics is the Democrat Attorney General of Maryland. 


1. The Safe School Czar throws the most awesome parties.

2. Hey, it's not like he left four people to die in Benghazi and then lied about it; that would make him Presidential timber.

3. Bill Clinton was invited, but decided the whole scene was a little too sleazy for him.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Baconback


1. Pretty much an accurate representation of a date with Bill Maher.

2. "I'll take visual metaphors for Hillary and Bill's marriage for $100, Alex."

3.This should have the jihadis pissing their dishdashas.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
 Gotta admit, not a single viewer guessed how Ziva would leave NCIS.

 Best of Anonymous
How last episode of The Walking Dead should have gone down

Best of jimmy
Progressive Insurance mascots Flo and Maxwell ended up in one of the strangest shotgun weddings in all of commercial history. "Wheee" indeed.

Best of Dr. Doom "Yes Jalil I am driving," retorted Fatima as she maneuvered through Riyadh rush hour traffic, "why don't you come over here and make me stop..."

 Best of GregMan ORA: The film adaptation of "Bored of the Rings" was pretty much spot-on.

Best of GregMan
It is a little-known fact that after "Green Acres" was cancelled, Arnold Ziffel went on to join a rural terrorist group.

Best of Jay Guevara
Rosie O'Donnell carries her bride across the threshold.

 Best of Scotty G.
Washington Redskins introduce new logo. Best of Submariner Beware the wrath of the Mujahadoink!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Putin Wearing a Shirt for Once

Brender 


1. "Thanks for Syria, Comrade Kerry. Now, we can expect the American nuclear arsenal to be completely dismantled by 2015, da?"

2. "And the final initiation to the silly shirt club, you must pick up that cherry in your ass-cheeks, and drop it in that tumbler of vodka on the floor."

3. Mr. Putin apologized for all their colored shirts being washed together in hot, and announced that he had personally executed the entire laundry staff.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Sandwich Fail

Brender 
 


1. "That's not what we meant when we aked if you could 'pinch a loaf' for us, Mr. President."

2. "I, um, was promised, um, circuses."

3. "We modeled our sandwich restaurant on Obamacare. The food sucks, but you can't order it anyway because the front counter is busted and no one knows how to fix it."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    No matter how many samacich's I make, M'Chel is still hungry......

Best of Best of
    I hate white bread.

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble: "I haven't touched something this white and pasty since the last time I had to shake hands with Hillary..."

Best of Submariner
   Thawt bubble: "C'mon, Barry, FOCUS! You're a Harvard grad and President of the Socialist States of America, for Aulinsky's sake!
    Bread - Meat - Bread.
    These plebians can do it, how hard can it possibly be?"

Best of Jay Guevara
    In the alternative universe, Obama has a job that is commensurate with his abilities.

Best of GregMan
    "So you peasants actually eat this stuff?"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Baloney and white bread...just like my speeches!!!

Best of Dr. Doom

    "Very good sir, you almost got it that time but remember it is bread-meat-bread", coached Carla, "Maybe it would be helpful if you thought of the bread as taxes and the meat as the take home pay for the average Amerikkkan..."

Best of Dr. Doom
    If all was right with the world...

Best of jimmy
Thoughtbubble: "I can't believe I'm forced to do this crap for the cameras. I mean, does Kim Jung-Un have to mix with the riff-raff like this in HIS dictatorship?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Obamalama mutters, "Okay, these should be enough for 'Chel."


Monday, October 21, 2013

Bench Pressed


1. "OMG! It's gonna blow!"
2. At some point, the junk in the trunk becomes a complete EPA Superfund Site.
3. "Well," sid Sir Mix-A-Lot, "There are excpetions, of course."

Best of John...just John
 ...on her way to the White House Rose Garden to help the president tout the success of the Food Stamp enrollment blitz.

Best of Jay Guevara
2023: The post-White House years hit Michelle hard.

Best of metalgarth
    She's looking for a hot man, possibly a model who makes AT LEAST six figures....

Best of Dr. Doom
    The military testing program for the new liquid body armor is especially rigorous...

Best of Best of
    BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    ...and then Dawn's ass exploded.

Best of Submariner
    "That's no moon..."

Best of jimmy
    Woman in black thoughtbubble: "Must.Not.Look. Do.Not.Turn.Head."
    Nevertheless, the gravitational pull was too strong for her to escape her tragic fate.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Jeez, all I asked was, "Hi, did you know your fat ass is hanging out?" How is that racist?

Best of Steve O
    Those sweatpants meet one out of three main criteria i have for clothing.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Do You Know the Muffin Man


"At last, a job I can handle!" said the VP. Five minutes later, he was dead after trying to screw a muffin into a light socket.

Best of Uchuck the Tuchuck
"Yes. Yes, there is a hole in the bottom box of this steamy stack of muffins. Now, guess what I got in that hole. Go ahead, guess."

Best of jimmy
Biden is so proud of himself for securing a fresh supply of "plugs" from a questionable Russian web site. While he pictures himself looking like Fabio, he doesn't know they're actually butt plugs.

Best of Best of
    Not the result Hillary was expecting when she Googled 'hot buns'

Best of Dr. Doom
The Vice President scores big by buying the last six dozen Little Debbies on e-Bay after the company folded to avoid Obamacare. And it only cost the taxpayer $5327 per dozen...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
These? I'm going courting! Did you see that spoiled brat's ad on Craig's List? I love desperate fat chicks. Keep me warm all winter!

Best of GregMan
"Hey guys, look what I got! Now we can plant these in M'Chel's garden and grow our own muffins!"

Best of Double the U
The tech guys said the problem with the Obamacare website was with cookies. I brought cookies! Problems solved!

Best of Submariner
    It's my gift to the FLOTUS; Barry said that she "loves her some muffin tops..."

Boobehs In Moshun


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Laptop Dances


1. "Do you mind? I am trying to educate these dumb statists on the hazards of a central bank and a fiat currency."

2. "Hey, when you're done with that, could ya make me a sammitch?"

3. Yeah, SimCity really is that addicting.

4. Guy: "Oooh, check it out. 'Breaking Bad' prop auction on eBay."

5. Things to do while waiting for the ObamaCare website to load, #147.

Best of metalgarth
    Do you mind? I'm trying read Andrew Sullivan's latest blog.

Best of dadoctah
    "WiFi's cutting out again. Try straightening your right arm a little."

Best of curly
    “Yes Alex. I’d like to try GAYNESS TESTS for $200”.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    SURFIN' THE WEB... you're doing it wrong! Both of you!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

In-A-Gadda-Da-Sasquatch



1. "Gee, Mrs SCOAMF, these cucumbers are almost as big as Hillary's clenis!"

2.  "What! EBT cards have no limit at WalMart? F--k this sh-t, we goin' shoppin'!"

3.M'Chel, M'Chel, quite the belle, How does your garden grow? With silver bells, and cockle shells, And chalk-faced whores all in a row. 

4. Mooch: "Where are the little boys at?" Chalk-Faced Whore: "Oh, the Safe School Czar said he was going to show them how he plants his seed."

5. "Don't you go flashing your raisins at me, white girl, that only works on Hillary."

Best of metalgarth
    No, I ain't gonna tell ya where we grow our good shit so quit askin. Nome sayin?

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    M'Chel picks her salad and her main course

Best of jimmy
"We don't need no damn seeds! Just pour more water on that dirt. I'm sure something will happen if you put enough water on it."

    ---M'Chel's gardening theories were virtually identical to her husband's economic theories.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
David Attenborough whispers: A receptive howler monkey sits passively on her haunches waiting for... heyyyyy, wait a minute!

Best of Submariner
That's right, children; we'll use all these vegetables in the kitchen; except for those carrots, and that cucumber, and that zuchini, and that hook-necked gourd... I'll be taking those to the private quarters, to uh, make soup!

Best of GregMan
Sadly, the children did not see the signs that said, "Do Not Feed The Sasquatch", and were killed and devoured by the hairy, foul-smelling beast.

Best of Jay Guevara
    Michelle derived great satisfaction from making white kids grow and pick cotton.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "No honey that one isn't for diggin'", cried the First Lady, "That one is for eatin'..."

Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Finally!


1. "Wait? You're not Chris Matthews? What is the address here?"
 2. "Maybe this will stop you from watching the Sandy Hook video and playing with yourself."
 3. Pear-Shaped Moron:"Can't I just have my usual Thorazine enema?"
4. "Why does this straight jacker have C. Matthews embroidered on the sleeve?" "MSNBC had a yard sale."
5. "The safety word is 'Watermelon.'"

Best of Submariner
 "Now all we need is a volunteer from the audience and a couple of flights of metal steps without a railing..."

Best of Caroe Phlogiston
    Piers: "Well, yes, the gerbil actually does feel pretty good in there... but what if it wants OUT?"
    Criss: Just yell "Armageddon!"

Best of Spin
    Piers Morgan experiences how it feels to be totally unarmed

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Gaiety


1. "Puny Earthlings! Kneel before Your Fabulous Overlords!"

2. Zaphod's brother was also a perennial contender in the 'Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Galaxy' competition.

3. Well, at least you don't have to worry about it yammering on about Ron Paul.

4. "Welcome to the San Francisco Public Schools; I will be your Kindergarten Sex Ed Instructor."

5. Therberuth: The Fabulous Three-Headed Bitch of Folsom Street.

Best of Submariner
This season introduces the Mighty Morphin' Lavender Ranger; the nation's first LGTB super hero. Guess what his/her super-power is and win a free subscription to Queer Eye for the Not-So-Straight Guy.

Best of arf
    Sometimes Secretary Sibelius uses too much bluing in her hair rinse.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Ang Lee's remake of The Three Musketeers yada, yada, yada...

Best of Dr. Doom
Rising stars on the San Francisco underground film scene, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis, refer to themselves as the Three Mouseketeers and you really really don't want to know why...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Who knew Zaphod Beeblebrox had ghey Siamese sons?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Ernie asked the judge to find him Not Guilty of drunk and disorderly conduct because two of the three officers who assaulted him weren't even in the courtroom.

Monday, October 07, 2013

Creatures of the Night


1. Some historians believe the decline of the Roman Empire was linked to brain damage from Rome's lead plumbing. Has anyone researched the effects of Botox on the human brain.

2. "I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world!"

3. It's true: Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' does synch up perfectly with every Democrat press conference.

4.  "... And at our last 'Working Class Priorities Conference,' the lobsters were THIS big and the cognac flowed like a river."

5. "As a consequence of the Botox, I really don't feel anything less than this big, and even then, it has to be inserted anally." - The secret to Pelosi's success; relating to her consituency.

Threadwinner: metalgarth
    When the twerking began, Miley Cyrus didn't seem so bad after all.

Best of Double the U
    Now cut that out, I am *not* stupid! I am evil, not stupid, evil. There is a difference.

Best of GregMan
    "Jazz hands!"

Best of GregMan
    "Ia! Cthulhu fh'tagn!"

Best of Submariner
    "Susquehanna Hat Company!?!"
    Slowly I turned...

Best of Submariner
    ♪ And I-aye-I
    Will always screw, yooooooouuuuuuuuuu...♪♫

Friday, October 04, 2013

In Case You Forgot That Joe Biden Is an Idiot



1. Biden: "I got pee pee on the nuclear codes again."

2. Carney sends a text to the Vice President's valet, then remembers he was furloughed, and Biden would have to meet the Russian Ambassador with boom boom in his pants.

3. No one was exactly sure how Putin had gotten Obama to release the nuke codes to the Russian military, but they did know they had about thirteen minutes to Tweet their goodbyes.

4. They weren't really the secret nuke codes; Biden just didn't know any other way to smuggle a copy of 'Chicks With Dicks' into the bathroom to masturbate.

5. Biden just accidentally learned his Secret Service Code Name is Lloyd Christmas.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Biden thawtbubble after glancing over Carney's shoulder: Well I'll be damned, didn't know those little gizmos could download prOn! No wonder the boss loves his Blackberry.

Best of GregMan
 Carney: "Man, if there's one thing I hate it's a complete moron who can't even remember to zip his fly and then has to cover it up with a Top Secret document... oh, wait, there's one right behind me, isn't there?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
 You misunderstand; "CODEWORD Classified Document Vice President" isn't really a classified document, it's an actual codeword specifically keyed for Biden. The civilian translation would be "Unimportant Papers that are meant to be carried around in order to look important, but are just pages and pages of color-by-number pictures to keep the VP entertained and out of trouble while the real work is done by others".

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Biden arrives to deliver to the President a top secret map of all the White House doors and windows...

Best of Submariner
    Biden's nawt-bubble; "mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble LA BOMBA!"

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Girl Scouts - Folsom Style

Brender



1. Two more...'Ready for Hillary.'
2. The Folsom Street Girl Scouts have some interesting merit badges.
3. Stories from the Shutdown: WWII Memorial - Closed; NEA Grants to Asian Lesbian Performance Artists - Open.
4. Season 9 of 'How I Met Your Mother' takes an odd turn.
5. "So, that's about a 27 inseam. OK, your gimp suit will be ready Tuesday."

Best of Submariner
    Like all sailors, Miss Moon was damn good with her knots.

Best of dadoctah
    Vacation Bible School has changed since I was a kid.

Best of Dr. Doom
It appears that the government shutdown furloughs have not impacted the Office of the Safe Schools Czar yet...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Yes, these restraints ARE rather tight. Say, officer, do you mind if I take another look at your badge?"

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Pansygram



Senator Lindsey Graham (Q-SC) parties with some MSNBC interns after voting to let Harry Reid win again. 

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Two hands. Two jobs. Life is good.

Best of Submariner
    Why, yes! I AM a RINO; wanna see my horn?

 

Partial Frontal


1. Shame. The blurry model in the foreground was just on the verge of an irrefutable proof to the Riemann hypothesis, when the yammering of the Femen Crazebot interrupted her thoughts. No wonder she slugged her.

2.In front: "Excuse me! I am TRYING to be OBJECTIFIED here."

3. Three girls in need of a sammitch. Two in need of severe therapy.

4. #CapThisClassicCap: "Confident! Confident! Dray and Secure!"

5. Being banned from the famous "Brot Hell" Bavarian Sausage festival in Munchen was a severe blow to the model's weekend.

Threadwinner: Kaptain Krude
    "Whoo Packers!"

Best of metalgarth
    Worst. Second Rate. Pr0n. Ever.

Best of GregMan
"Man, I really hate half-naked skanks with stupid political slogans written across their scrawny, titless bodies... oh, wait, there's two behind me, aren't there?"

Best of Double the U
    Take me seriously! Take me seriously!

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Who stole my tits, goddamnit?"

Best of dadoctah
    ORA: Bummer of a birthmark, Hal.

Best of Dactyl
    I was wondering what Mary Kate and Ashley had been up to lately.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Whadda we want... respect!
    When do we want it... now!
    Why don't we get it... because we've crashed a runway show, we're half-naked and acting real stupid!

Best of Steve O
    So... do you think they might be available to protest at private parties?

Best of Kaptain Krude
 It's the promotion for the reworking of the classic Willie Nelson song, "Models, Don't Go To Brothels to be with Cowboys". Admittedly, the promotion still has a few kinks in it.