Friday, November 29, 2013

Baby Jesus Would Be So Proud

Hat Tip: Scotty 

 

Best of jimmy You ignorant piece of s#it! It's "po-in-set-E-uh, not "po-in-set-uh! [/whap whap]  

Best of Jay Guevara "Newton's notation for calculus is better!" "No, Leibniz's notation is way better!"

Best of Kaptain Krude "It's MY eatin' shovel!" "No, it's MY eatin' shovel!" (In the meantime, Dawn's head has a-sploded.)  

Best of Dr. Doom This is what happens when you run out of Butt Closures on Black Friday people. Watch and learn...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston I'm willing to bet they weren't arguing about whether ISON made it past its perihelion.

Best of GregMan Queue the David Attenborough voiceover...  

Best of Submariner Smelly Pirate Hookers In Trouble: The new Samuel L Bronkowiz film for the Christmas season 2013!

Heh... exploding whale... neat...

My Whale Explodes with Delight.


1. The new Tampax commercials sure did the push the envelope.

2. "If you like your rotting whale intestines, you can keep your rotting whale intestines."

3. And proceding to number 441,567 on the list of things I would rather be doing than going to a Walmart on Black Friday... 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Count the Turkeys


1. SCOAMF Thoughtbubble: "Damn that turkey has a nice ass."

2. "And so the Vice President thought it would be a great idea to drop 200 turkeys just like this one from a helicopter at the White Flint Shopping Mall."

3. "40 million of these will be eaten on Thursday... the perfect anthrax vector. My plan to exterminate White America is nearly complete."

Best of Submariner
Hell, I've already given Biden a pass for 5 years so I figured, why not another white turkey?

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble: "That's something I don't see every day; well-developed breasts..."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Unlike your elderly aunt, Obama Cares about the turkey.

Best of Markus ARyanas
"If you REALLY want to hear them gobble, just put your finger in their ass, watch!"

Best of curly
    “I guess this balances my karma, since I killed the goose that laid the golden eggs.”

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: "Man, you don't want to be no jive turkey!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Of course I'm going to pardon this turkey," Obama grinned. "It's not like he's going to be hit in a drone strike, is he?" Moments after Obama had to leave to make another important appointment, the turkey was obliterated in a drone strike.

Best of jimmy
Given mommy M'Chel's ravenous appetite, this is the closest the girls will ever get to a fully-intact turkey.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "If the turkey likes being alive, the turkey can stay alive. PERIOD. Let's eat!"

Best of Double the U
So then I told the public, "If you like this turkey we will keep this turkey." and five minutes later they took the bird away and cut the damn things head off.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Sliding your weiner into a ditch; you're doing it wrong


1. "OnStar Assistance, what's your emergency?" "Hi, I sild off the road and now my weiner is stuck and I can't get it out." Click.

2. You should have seen how big that weinermobile was before it got cold.

3. If you're weinermobile remains stuck in a ditch for more than four hours, call your doctor.

Best of adamsunderground
    Clearly the earth moved

Best of metalgarth
    Product placement in "Ice Road Truckers" is a risky idea.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston    
Anthony Wiener's Xmas card

Best of Submariner
You just KNOW it's going to be a long, crappy winter when you start it by losing control of your wiener...

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Are you sure this is the way to Sandra Fluke's house?"

Best of Steve O
    Do women know about... slippage?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    James Bond had an Astin Martin.
    Carlos Danger?...

Best of Steve O
    Not the wurst accident I've seen...

Knocked Out


1. Albino Discrimination; the Pale Holocaust.

2. Thoughtbubble: "That's it, Mr. Big Burly Police Man, bundle me in you manly arms and haul me away. Rough me up a little if I resists. That's right... You want me, baby."

3. "And I'm going to stay here and hold my breath until the entire military-industrial complex is dismantled."

Best of adamsunderground
On holiday from Matrix drudgery, Agent Smith recharges his soul with relaxing tunes, threads, and a kicky new hairdo.

Best of adamsunderground
    Charades:
    Speedbump Tsarnaev!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Hollywood Factoids You Didn't Know #837: Peter Sellers' classic "Dr. Strangelove" was filmed entirely in the mother of all "strange love" cities.

Best of Submariner
Uh, better get up, Geoffrey; I checked and Obamacare doesn't cover getting run over during a protest unless the specific object of the protest is George W Bush.

Threadwinner: curly
    Maybe those “disadvantaged teens” who play the knockout game are on to something…

Best of jimmy
Seen at MSDNC studios: the entire viewership of Alec Baldwin's late, un-lamented talk show arrives to protest its cancellation.

Monday, November 25, 2013

The SCOAMF Gets His Picture Taken to Prove He Actually Works



1. "Whew! That was hard work signing that pardon for Mumia Abu Jamal. Well, off to the golf course. Is my helicopter ready?"

2. "Does he usually spend all morning scratching the eyes out of pictures of Chris Wallace."

3. "Just a, um, minute while I write this, um, note to um, Reggie Love. Any of you know how to spell, um, rimjob?"

4. Obama took to writing personal thank you notes to everyone who successfuly signed up for Obamacare. It took fifteen minutes.

5. "And now I sign this historic treaty with Iran that will end the threat of... Did you guys just see a blinding white flash?" 

Best of Double the U
The chief of staff had to keep reminding Obama to stop sticking out his tongue when working on the coloring book.

Best of Dr. Doom
President Obama, signs the bill repealing the first amendment while adoring reporters look on...

Best of Submariner
President Obama, amends the Bill of Rights by deleting the 1st, 2nd and 4th Amendments and editing the 10th to read "The powers not delegated specifically to a State by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the Federal Government, are reserved to the Executive Fiat of the President of the United States, NOT to the people." while adoring reporters look on...
Best of GregMan
The Preezy signs an executive order sending all news photographers to the Soylent Green factory while adoring reporters look on...

Best of Submariner
President Obama looks up from signing a tax-payer funded purchase order for gold-plated eatin' shovels for Christmas, realizes the quantity of adulation in the room is down a photographer or two, and adds 12 cases of Boob wine to the order.
    He smiles and thinks; "It's GOOD to be teh King!"

Best of metalgarth
   "7 Across, People who drive you crazy N _ G G E R S"

Best of Submariner
    19 Down: Honest Democrat (2 words)
    F A I _ Y T A L _

Best of Steve O
Needing another foreign policy debacle to distract from his latest domestic debacle, Obama gives nuclear weapons to Iran.

Best of Submariner
Dear Penthouse, I never believed yoyur letters until this really happened to me. Rahm and I were heading to Man Country when...

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Don't be fooled into thinking that he is really working. He's actually playing pencil golf.

Best of Steve O
    Hmmn. 32 down. What's a SCOAMF?

Friday, November 22, 2013

Personally, I've Never Lost Anything I Wanted Back That Bad


1. Wow, that Martin Bashir guy really likes corn!

2. One of the frequently overlooked aspects of New Jersey politics; body disposal.

3. This new sexual fetish is known on Urban Dictionary as "Martin Bashiring."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
 Really poor instructional videos are the chief reason indoor toilets haven't caught on in the 3rd world countries.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Anything to save the gerbil!

Best of Jay Guevara
    Visual metaphor for saving Obamacare.

Best of Submariner
    Nope. No votes for Franken, but I think these just might be the President's college transcripts...

Best of Dr. Doom
The San Francisco City Council engages in a team building exercise...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"...and a couple of empty cans, and... hey! Here it is! I finally found Obama's new popularity numbers!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"It's full of stars!"

Best of curly
Finding the “Plumbing For Dummies” book too onerous, George opted to use the tips that he found in “Plumbing For Obama Supporters” instead.

Best of GregMan
    "Hey look, the source code for the ObamaCare website!"

Best of Steve O
All I want to know is how that conversation went. "Hey Bill, why don't I take off my pants and hold your ankles while I lower you into a s--- hole?

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Tit for Tat

Brender

1. "Full size reproduction of Pablo Picasso's Guernica? Sure, we can do that."

2. "So, how's Salacious Crumb these days?"

3. "Are you aware there's an entire colony of people living in your buttcrack?"

Best of metalgarth
    Luckily, you can get tattoo ink by the gallon at Costco.

Best of Submariner
    "...and a tramp stamp of the Golden Corral logo..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Noooo, it's really not a good time to say, "Wait, I think I've changed my mind."

Best of Submariner
    Sam looked in the mirror: "Oh boy..."

Best of Dr. Doom
    Unfortunately the next customer expired while awaiting his turn. He would decompose completely before the full body tattoo was completed...

Best of Rodney Dill
    That's no moon, that's a fully functional Deathstar.

Best of curly
    Where creepy ass crackers are born.

Best of Mr Hankey
    Yessir, I do agree that this will get you the chicks.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Think Kink



1. Healthcare.gov replaces Obamacare Girl and aims at the core Democrat Demo.

2. Obama's revised Marine Corpse BDU's were even more reviled.

3. "Well, Martin Bashir can p-ss and sh-t in our mouths any time," enthused MSDNC's core demo.

Best of Double the U
    Welcome to the White House Christmas party, may I check your hat?

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate Universe #XT43559:    Rob Halford and Lady Gaga are the fashion police. You will wear what they say to.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Ever notice how the 17th in line for the British throne sorta does whatever the hell he pleases?

Best of curly
    “You mean ObamaCare covers sex transplants AND bleeding rectum syndrome? That’s FABULOUS!”

Monday, November 18, 2013

Standing Room Only


1. Looks like the Tech Support Surge has arrived to save Obamacare.

2. Chicago Flash Mob steals an entire train; media still not interested.

3. "All Aboard the Ennui Express!"

Best of  adamsunderground
Moments just before Thomas the Tank Engine purposely derails himself on a bridge, shouting Asian slurs the entire way down.

Best of  mega
"Finally, once operational, the high-speed train will provide a great alternative for busy senior executives shuttling between LA and San Francisco."

Best of  Submariner
    Not exaclty how I remember Don Cornelious' intro...

Best of  GregMan
    "Pardon me boy, is that the Sringbaliramdasmumba choo-choo..."

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
One More Time! 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, ya take one down and pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall...

Friday, November 15, 2013

Sex Trek: The Next Penetration

There's apparently another pr0n parody. Worth the read.



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
OMFG Scottie, the teleporter is malfunctioning! Troi is dematerializing joint by joint while Dem Bones Dem Bones is playing on the intercom! Oh the humanity!  

Best of Son Of The Godfather  I think an awesome band name would be "Dissolving Betazoid"... Who's in?!  

Best of mega 
  I sense that....I am feeling your....My empathy is giving me a vision of....@*$&!*($@ Shit, didn't see that one coming, Riker. Towel, please.  

Best of Dr. Doom
Riker initiates his favorite holodeck program, Troi Servicing the Photon Torpedo...





Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Eye Bleach --- Please



1. Calista Flockhart decided to have a few snacks while waiting for HealthCare.gov to load
2. The next week, a memo went out to the entire IT Department clarifying the policy on 'Casual Fridays.'
3. "I found the problem. Turns out, I ate your CRT monitor."

Best of Jay Guevara
    "No problem. I'll have Healthcare.gov up and running in a jiffy."

Best of Double the U
    Every time I try to tell people how good Linux is, this guy shows up.

Best of Robert
    Interactive pr0n - you're doing it wrong.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Seriously, Submariner amigo... TURN.OFF.YOUR.WEBCAM.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Mom! I told you never to disturb me when I'm hacking!... Wait, did you say "pie"?"

Best of dadoctah
    ORA: "Shut up, Meg."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    MENSA Member: Both IQ and BMI = 150

Best of Rodney Dill
    The years have not been kind to Leeroy Jenkins.

Best of mega
    Who knew Charles Johnson had a son?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Dude! You got a Dell! And I've got the munchies!" Turns out, Dell was right in firing the Dell Guy.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Large Women Against Energy Independence



1. Before the fall of the Colonies, Caprica had its own version of the Westboro Baptists.

2. You know what the real appeal of environmental extremism is? All those hot, hot women.

3. Before the fall of the Colonies, Caprica was very concerned about overpopulation.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Chris Farley Christie Honors Veterans Day



I can't caption this. My eyes are burning and my mind is frozen in horror.


Best of Best of
    Why we fight!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    It was supposed to be a harmless practical joke, but Dub suffered a stroke when the Sick Intercourses Ltd. singing telegram lady showed up.

Best of GregMan
    Man, it's gonna take a whole case of Boob Wine to erase that image from by brain...

Best of Submariner
    Agnes's biggest mistake was signing up for the Donner expedition...

Best of Submariner
    How dub sees the average runway model.

Best of Dr. Doom
If HHS ran a GoDaddy style ad campaign for Healthcare.gov, it would look something like this...

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Hang in There, Baby, Friday's Coming



Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    Look Ma, no clothes!

Best of  adamsunderground
    Another jogger fed up with chafed nipples snaps and goes all Wile E. Coyote out in the desert.

Best of  adamsunderground
    It's a hard rock life, lil Annie Leibovitz.

Best of  Dr. Doom
    A perfect metaphor for the Amerikkkan taxpayer...

    (Translation for our conservatively challenged readers: Stripped naked and hanging by a fingernail...)

Best of  Submariner
    No, Cheryl, "naked assent means... oh nevermind. Carry on, dear."

Friday, November 08, 2013

You're the One

Brender


1. Those who questioned the need to spend $400 Million in taxpayer dollars building the giant rubber duck were denounced as "extremists," "radical tea-baggers," and, naturally, racists.

2.Washed away by Superstorm Sandy, Governor Christie's ducky was eventually located in Perth Amboy.

3. Still, a more appealing alternative to Hillary and Krispy Kreme for 2016. 

Best of adamsunderground
    "Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come!"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Village Voice Movie Review.   In Ghostbusters 4, Ernie's rubber duck comes to life in order to seek revenge on Picard and Gandalf for what they did to Elmo. This film is all we have come to expect from an Ang Lee feature...

Best of dadoctah
    Aiieee!!! Ahiru!!!

Best of dadoctah
"People of Earth, have no fear. We have taken this familiar form that you might understand us."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Crowd Thawtbubble: We're gonna need a bigger bathtub!

Best of Submariner
    If Ernie was in charge of breaching the security at Troy...

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Wednesday Kinda Sorta Got Away From Me

Brender 



1. The Democrats try out their next "War on Women" attack ad.

2. "All right, fine, go ahead and tell me about Ron Paul."

3. Governor Christ was pleased with his congratulatory gift from Hillary. Best of Dr. Doom Drudge Breaking: The San Francisco City Council decided to bring back the pillory to punish minor city code infractions. Predictably the crime rate has soared... Best of GregMan The pictures and videos of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford got worse and worse with every new revalation. Best of GregMan Gus stepped back and admired his latest piece of NEA-funded art entitled "Twink Handcuffed To A Big Black Pole". Best of Submariner Plaid shirt dude's thawt bubble: "Overall, I think I'm satisfied with the reactions to my Folsom Street Fair exhibit trial run... Would have liked more people stopping to take pictures though; Maybe a hairier bear?"

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Even Charles X and Magneto Love a Good Plushy Convention



1. "Why do you guys keep calling me 'Lucky Pierre?' My name is Elmo."

2. Two British nationals and a muppet report to their local polling place in New York City.

3. "I am so glad you guys came to support my coming out. Let's buy something pretty."

I would be remiss not to mention this...

But I got nothin' to add...


Monday, November 04, 2013

Put 'Em Up



1. "So, what was your name when you were still a man?"

2. "You are heavily favored in the PBS bat'leth tournament."

3. INVISIBUL GIANT CORN ON THE COB. /Racist

Friday, November 01, 2013

Hallowe'en with Hef

Brender

All yours, monors...


The Red Sox Win!!!


1. Field sobriety tests in Boston are really hard.

2. Ernie found that inverted farts had much more impressive ignition results.

3. The rest of the YMCA guys took cover when the shooting started, but Ernie was extremely committed.'

Best of  dadoctah
    Captain Handstand was Stan Lee's first major superhero to receive a 0.0% approval rating in test marketing.

Best of  Dr. Doom
    If you think this is bad, just think what would have happened had the Tigers won the World Series...

Best of  Dr. Doom
    I can't tell is this a performance of Obama Administration healthcare policy through he medium of interpretive dance or a performance of Obama Administration foreign policy through the medium of interpretive dance? Domestic policy? Justice Department policy?

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    Clive only lasted one day on the job, but the kids still voted him Bestest Crossing Guard of 2013.

Best of  Steve O
    Quentin Tarantino does a remake of the TV show "Cheers."