Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Lizzie and the Chocolate Factory

Schneider


1. The Queen has a surprisingly large collection of rabbit turds.

2, "And this been is where we store the testicles of the Republican Leadership."

3. "And you say nothing could survive the heat of the processing furnace, good subject? Not even a human corpse... say of a certain vile, horse-faced woman who will be queen over my dead body?"

4. "An excellent guess, your majesty. Now, can you spot which bin contains shinola?"

5. The Queen sighed, "When I said I wanted you men to show me your whoppers..." 


27 comments:

dadoctah said...

Decades later, Willy Wonka decided to hold a reunion tour for the same five golden-ticket holders and reminisce over old times. Here Violet Beauregard is offered an alternative to blueberry chewing gum.

chronos the wonder pig said...

"Well, now that Camilla has run off with the Crown Jewels, we do have room to store them in the Tower of London."

chronos the wonder pig said...

"...and if you dive in and let them cover you all over, you'll look as young as Nancy Pelosi!"

chronos the wonder pig said...

"Say Mum, wasn't your hair red in your youth?"

metalgarth said...

"it's made of people"

metalgarth said...

"Sorry Queen, your fortune has been converted to co-co puffs. Like Thatcher said 'sooner or later you run out of other people's money'"

jimmy said...

ORA: Direct from South Park, Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls were quite a hit in the UK. Her Majesty commented that they'd been in short supply in her country since Thatcher was deposed.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Jaccuzzi Sales Rep: And this, mum, is our most popular ensuite accessory for junk food lovers - the Milk Duds spa.
You must sell a lot of these in US Walmart stores?
Yes indeedy, they're flying off the shelves!

Carpe Phlogiston said...

When the House of Commons didn't give us the seed money for our bon bon breeder reactor, we convinced the Obama administration it was a paradigm shift in alternate energy production and they loaned us $14 billion.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Her majesty visits the "It Sounded Like a Good Idea" museum in Upper Farthingate.

curly said...

"...and here's Prince Charles' used anal beads, prepped for recycling".

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Shame on you, your highness. Put them back this instant!
Ah nint *snort* ayk ennyfing!

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Yes, it's "All you can eat" but no cheating. You'll have to gimme your hat and that big ass purse before you dive in.
Aw, shucks.

Submariner said...

Queen Liz; "So; you're tellin me that devil Putin cannot afford one?"
Salesman; "Absolutely right, Mum."
Queen Liz; "Put the Monarchy down for a dozen..."

Submariner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Submariner said...

"Excuse me, young man; did you say this was Camilla's 'trough' or her 'toilet?'"

Submariner said...

"Smart pills, you say? Have a dozen orders delivered to Charles and have the Royal Bishop standing by to certify an annulment..."

Dr. Doom said...

"No Your Majesty, I would not recommend eating them," replied Keeper of the Royal Dirty Laundry, "this is actually Prince Harry's hot tub from his last trip to Las Vegas..."

GregMan said...

"Yes Your Majesty, this is what the peasants eat."

GregMan said...

"Yes Mum, it certainly was no ordinary rabbit!"

Dr. Doom said...

"No Your Majesty, this is our hat tally vat. Whenever someone in the extended Royal Family wears a daft hat in public, we drop a chit in here," explained the Assistant to the Deputy Keeper of the Exchequer. "That one is for Lady Camilla's Ascot atrocity last year..."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

They're the latest rage in the highlands, mum. Chocolate-covered fortune cookies. They melt in your hand, not in your mouth so they're fingerlickin' good.

-OR-

Chocolate-covered raw sheep eyeballs, your majesty. The perfect appetizer for a haggis and blood pudding supper.

Submariner said...

Carpe Phlogiston said...
"Chocolate-covered raw sheep eyeballs, your majesty. The perfect appetizer for a haggis and blood pudding supper."


EXcellent!

Submariner said...

"Yes, Mum. Scrooge McDuck dives into, and swims in a vault filled with gold coins. Prince Charles prefers a smaller vat filled with feces..."

Dactyl said...

The queen would come to regret investing in Tribble eggs.

Dactyl said...

Brits have their own way of bobbing for apples, I guess.

Submariner said...

"So: These "bit coins" you're trying to sell are quite valuable, you say?"