Wednesday, April 23, 2014

By Age 50, Everyone Has the Face They Deserve



1. "P'tagh!  The halls of Sto-vo-kor will be washed with your blood."

2. Out of frame, Hillary seethed. "Michelle is eating all the good children herself!"

3. "You two little crackers know any good Jew jokes?"

4. "Can't a woman take a dump on the White House lawn without you little white crackers getting all in her grill??"

5. "Wait a minute. If you two little white girls are over here, then what's on the barbecue grill?" 

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "When Barry told me he was half white, I thought our children would look like you!"

Best of Best of
    "Wrong holiday, Mrs. Obama, this is Easter, not Halloween." "I gets confused with all these cracker holidays where somebody comes back from the dead."

Best of Submariner
    No, dis dress weren't no fraggin' "picnic table cloth" before it was my dress.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Eat you? Of course I'm not going to eat you," soothed the First Lady, "I am going to tax your parents into the poor house and then one of you will have to eat the other..."

Best of Submariner
The predator was loathsome to behold at all times, but especially so just before it removed the still-beating heart from a victim.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Ok, which one of you brats salted my hard boiled egg with alum?

Best of marco
    Rare footage of the jaw unhinging just prior to M'chelle's mid-morning snack.

Best of GregMan
    "We gonna see if you white girls bleed a lot!"

Best of curly
    "...and if you two little chalk faced junk-food eaters belonged to me, I'd haul you off to Planned Parenthood and figure out away to work you into their late term abortion program."

Best of mega
    Don't cry, little one. Learn to twerk, and then when you're 13 you can get a black boyfriend and have a baby and quit school, and we'll put you on a nice EBD card for life, and though you'll always be the embodiment of White Privilege, your child will be half-way toward worthiness.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Isn't it amazing, Cornelia?" Emily paused from her perusal of the strange being and turned to her friend. "It's almost like it's trying to communicate with us." Emily sniffed in disdain and turned to leave, "If it tries to prevent us from having our cakes, I shall have Father shoot it and stuff it. Not that it needs anymore stuffing." The girls' laughter echoed throughout the woods.



31 comments:

chronos the wonder pig said...

"When Barry told me he was half white, I thought our children would look like you!"

Anonymous said...

"Wrong holiday, Mrs. Obama, this is Easter, not Halloween." "I gets confused with all these cracker holidays where somebody comes back from the dead."

Submariner said...

Which one a you's lax'tive done kicked in?

Submariner said...

Watchu mean "What's a eatin' shovel?"!?!?

Anonymous said...

Gather around while I spin a yarn about Patriarchy, its memory isn't going to keep itself alive. You've got to believe and use the power of imagination...

Submariner said...

No, dis dress weren't no fraggin' "picnic table cloth" before it was my dress.

Anonymous said...

Do I have to cut a bitch for the adoration I'm due?!

Submariner said...

m'Chel started a new tradition this year when she squatted and laid the first anal egg for the hunt on the west lawn...

Submariner said...

"...and no matter what color plan you enrolls in, deh taxpayer's gwine pick up the tab cause you ain't workin' yet."

Submariner said...

Littlest one thawt bubble; "That bitch be lyin..."

Anonymous said...

If I catch you eye ballin' my roots again, come recess, you'll catch a beatdown at Sidwell Friends.

Anonymous said...

Let's Move and get this party some more drinks, you lil Patty Hearsts!

Dr. Doom said...

"Eat you? Of course I'm not going to eat you," soothed the First Lady, "I am going to tax your parents into the poor house and then one of you will have to eat the other..."

Dr. Doom said...

Looks like someone took the anal egg hunt seriously...

Submariner said...

The predator was loathsome to behold at all times, but especially so just before it removed the still-beating heart from a victim.

Double the U said...

What do you mean, "You aint buyin it" BITCH?

chronos the wonder pig said...

"...and if you be the beard to some down low skinny politician, you gets all the vacations and "special" secret service agents you want. If I'm lying, I'm dying!"

Carpe Phlogiston said...

And if you likes your parents, you can keeps your parents!

-OR-

Ok, which one of you brats salted my hard boiled egg with alum?

marco said...

Rare footage of the jaw unhinging just prior to M'chelle's mid-morning snack.

Steve O said...

GET IN MA' BELLY!

Submariner said...

You only THINKS you wants some o' dis, bi-yotch!

GregMan said...

"We gonna see if you white girls bleed a lot!"

GregMan said...

"Repeats after me, you little crackers! Ia! Cthulhu fh'tagn!"

Submariner said...

YOU be deh "Best Of's Committee" at Capcha Dis?!?! Dat esplains a bunch...

Dr. Doom said...

"And then the witch ate Maryanne and Melanie all up," recited the First Lady, "and then there were two fewer little chalk faced whores in the forest."

Kaptain Krude said...

People laughed and said that it was a science fiction film, but I knew, I knew. Planet of the Apes was real!

curly said...

"...and if you two little chalk faced junk-food eaters belonged to me, I'd haul you off to Planned Parenthood and figure out away to work you into their late term abortion program."

mega said...

Don't cry, little one. Learn to twerk, and then when you're 13 you can get a black boyfriend and have a baby and quit school, and we'll put you on a nice EBD card for life, and though you'll always be the embodiment of White Privilege, your child will be half-way toward worthiness.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Ooh, yes, Gretel, it be a big gingerbread house with a nice warm oven inside. You two's nothing but skin and bones but I's can fatten you up on cakes and candy! Don't dat sound delicious?

Kaptain Krude said...

"Isn't it amazing, Cornelia?" Emily paused from her perusal of the strange being and turned to her friend. "It's almost like it's trying to communicate with us." Emily sniffed in disdain and turned to leave, "If it tries to prevent us from having our cakes, I shall have Father shoot it and stuff it. Not that it needs anymore stuffing." The girls' laughter echoed throughout the woods.

Submariner said...

Who's that guy in the back, and do the President's handlers know he was photographed while m'Chel was still leashed? Heads are SURE to roll, I tell ya...