Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Getting Microcellular


1. "Yes, I see it. The last tiny remnant of American Capitalism. Hand me the Lysol."

2. "Yes, Mr. President, there are millions of parasites in this sample. We'll get them registered as Democrats right away."

3. "Nope, I still can't detect any signs of morality or basic human decency in your blood sample; I'll increase magnification to 5000."

4. "Mein Fuhrer, if we break up the R-phase protein between gene links 12 and 143 this bacteria could wipe out the white race in a matter of weeks!"

5. "Sorry, Mr. President. This 'Primo Blow' Mr. Love procured for you is just laundry detergent." 

Best of Double the U
    Ahhh yes! The economic growth and positive job numbers... I see them now.

Best of Best of
    Nope, not a shred of human decency.

Best of Whacko
    "Hey, can you take a selfie with that thing?"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "What?? It's a microdot of my transcripts???"

Best of Submariner
    "...absolutely, positively a piece of Dawn's exploded cranium. What did you do just before it landed in your lap, Mr. President?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Hmm lets see... stuffed butt... factor in nights at Man Country... multiply by 'negotiation sessions' with Putin... carry the seven... got it," calculated Dr. Lee, "By the end of your term, you will need a butt closure the size of a manhole cover, Mr. President..."

Best of jimmy
    At least Kim Jung-Un actually holds things or flips switches in his staged photo ops, and of course Vlad Putin hops on a horse and takes off his shirt. This one can't even be bothered to feign interest beyond a vacant stare.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Mr. President! My eyes are over here!

Best of Submariner
    "...No...Not there either...Huh-uh. Sorry Mr. Obama but the results are absolutely conclusive: the only "real black" in you has been your Man Country partners..."

24 comments:

Double the U said...

Ahhh yes! The economic growth and positive job numbers... I see them now.

Anonymous said...

Nope, not a shred of human decency.

Whacko said...

"Hey, can you take a selfie with that thing?"

Jay Guevara said...

"What?? It's a microdot of my transcripts???"

Submariner said...

I'm sure there has to be SOME good news in there about the economy under my watch...

Submariner said...

"...absolutely, positively a piece of Dawn's exploded cranium. What did you do just before it landed in your lap, Mr. President?"

Submariner said...

"...looks suspiciously like a particle of stinkburger..."

chronos the wonder pig said...

"...and if we just erase this & add that, ken ya reads Hawaii!"

Dr. Doom said...

Dr. Chen: "Yep it's conclusive. There is a direct correlation between Obama Foreign Policy and respect for America abroad."
Mr.Obama: "Well of course we know this but why did you need the microscope?"
Dr. Chen: "We need the scope to measure respect for America sir..."

Dr. Doom said...

"Hmm lets see... stuffed butt... factor in nights at Man Country... multiply by 'negotiation sessions' with Putin... carry the seven... got it," calculated Dr. Lee, "By the end of your term, you will need a butt closure the size of a manhole cover, Mr. President..."

jimmy said...

At least Kim Jung-Un actually holds things or flips switches in his staged photo ops, and of course Vlad Putin hops on a horse and takes off his shirt. This one can't even be bothered to feign interest beyond a vacant stare.

curly said...

“I’m sorry Sir, but this birth certificate still won’t pass the muster. Perhaps you should ask the Federal Reserve to forge you one; we all know how good they are at counterfeiting, a.k.a. Quantitative Easing.”

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Anti-Putin Invasion Plan
Biden's microminiaturized sub is coming into view. He's waving at me. Ohmigawd, he's twirling his sawed off shotgun again! Ewwww, sir, he just sunk himself.

-OR-

Near as I can make out from this DNA, you're not even distantly related to the human race.

-OR-

To conscript enough doctors to treat all the illegals, Obamalama's latest executive order shanghais students in 10th grade science classes.
At least they won't have college loans

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Mr. President! My eyes are over here!

-OR-

I have good news and bad news, sir. Good: We have correctly identified this totally resistant strain of flesh-eating bacteria.
Bad: We got the sample from swabbing the edge of the desk your bare hand's resting on.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Alternative Medicine Clinician: This partially digested clump seems to be boneless stuffed butthole. You stuck your head up your ass again, didn't you, sir?
O: Yeah, please don't be judgmental. Nobody else will kiss it.

Submariner said...

"...No...Not there either...Huh-uh. Sorry Mr. Obama but the results are absolutely conclusive: the only "real black" in you has been your Man Country partners..."

Submariner said...

No matter how hard I try, the manipulation of your transcripts isn't going to fool any real test. I suggest you just seal them by court order and wait until you're out of office to reveal the truth...

Submariner said...

"Paternity test results are in:
The kids aren't yours. In fact, they COULDN'T be since Michelle used to be "Michael" before his surgery and hormone therapy...

Submariner said...

No Mr. President; "microcellular" means at the cell level, not a "really teeny, tiny mobile phone" you could call Reggie on...

Anonymous said...

Donate now to the Token Institute for micro-aggression discovery and Antarctic cultural studies

Submariner said...

Obama finally finds a nation he's willing to stand against...

Carpe Phlogiston said...

"Honey I Shrunk the Deficit" - a Disney docucomedy where both parties pretend to cut waste fraud and abuse while larding up appropriations bills like Walmart shoppers stuffing their pie holes in the snack food aisle.

Steve O said...

For the last time Mr President, I said YES, you can be their God!

Submariner said...

Be patient, Mr. President. I still haven't found anything you haven't bowed to yet, but I'm only to the quark level of magnification...