Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Cooterblast!


1. "On second thought, Number Two, cancel the friggin' sharks..."

2. Vladimir Putin now disposes of his enemy's Super-Villain style.

3. "Hill? Whatcha thinkin' about?" "Nothin' Bill, same as usual."

4. Mylie Cyrus's new stage show is really quite somethin'


 Threadwinner Adjustah
    "Perfect! Computer, save holodeck program Riker One!"

Best of USMC2841
In a sign the cold war may be heating up, the Obama administration has announced the development of the Star Whores Defense Initiative.

Best of mega
    Well, now we don't need to wonder what the hell Chelsea's doing to earn $75,000 an hour for those "speeches".

Best of Submariner
    Madonna was upset at the attention that "twerking" got so she "one-upped" it in her new show, right?

Best of Kaptain Krude
    This Ang Lee re-make of Logan's Run is deeply, deeply disturbing.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Pew pew pew!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    These new Summers Eve commercials are just plain creepy.

Best of The Expendable
    Congratulations to Mandy Queeferson, winner of the 2014 Skittles "Taste the Rainbow" Commercial Contest.

Best of The Expendable
    ♫♪ "... Blinded by the light,
    Revved up like a douche,
    Another squirter in my eyes..." ♪♫



5. The Cirque du Soleil Act that traumatized and forever changed the destiny of a young Andrew Sullivan.

39 comments:

mega said...

Whatever the hell that is, the good news is that Obamacare will cover it, no charge and no deductible.

mega said...

The campaign to get us to accept CFLs has really gotten quite stupid.

mega said...

It turned out that it was cheaper to hire Chinese labor to project light out of their cooch than to buy a new bulb.

Anonymous said...

Special discharge tickets on sale now

USMC2841 said...

In a sign the cold war may be heating up, the Obama administration has announced the development of the Star Whores Defense Initiative.

Whacko said...

" I wanted frekin laser sharks." growled Dr. Evil, "But this is even better. Well done, No. 1. Bwa ha ha ha."

Mr Hankey said...

Squirting is so passé.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

*** Entertainment Reviews Sick Intercourses 8-20-2014***

This low budget Tijuana remake offers an alternate explanation of how Spiderman was originally infected. The filmed in 3D scenes where Kristen Dunst's character is savaged by a donkey and then donkeyed by a savage are very graphic.

-OR-

Spoiler Alert!: After giving up on frigid Lois Lane, Superman asks villain Charlie "da pimp" Sheen to set him up with a hot date. Kryptonite Puss shows up at his telephone booth and squirts a lethal dose. Unable to dial 911 (phone out of order) Superman DIES!

-OR-

Barnum & Bailey reports huge profits after dumping the elephants and hyping their new disco acrobats.

mega said...

Behind the plastic mask, Charles Johnson was deeply frustrated with his inability to generate attention on Twitter or by attacking Jim Hoft, but was still willing to try new things to get back in the headlines.

mega said...

Well, now we don't need to wonder what the hell Chelsea's doing to earn $75,000 an hour for those "speeches".

mega said...

The new, out-of-the-media-eye IRS team-building events were still the best game in town.

mega said...

What's the problem here? The DNC clearly posted at the entrance, "This show not recommended for children under three, except pre-op trannies."

mega said...

And in Rick Perry's basement, the next nail-in-the-coffin gave it her all for the $300.

Adjustah said...

"Perfect! Computer, save holodeck program Riker One!"

dadoctah said...

Just a quick reminder from the people on the other end of the Future-Time-View-O-Scope portal (who unfortunately neglected to identify the subject of this image): Chloë-Grace Moretz turns eighteen next February, Bindi Irwin in July of the following year, and Jackie Evancho two years after that.

Submariner said...

Call me quirky, but I think this new Dukes of Hazzard remake is gonna have legs...

Submariner said...

Madonna was upset at the attention that "twerking" got so she "one-upped" it in her new show, right?

Submariner said...

Tonight at 8! Princess Ardala ratchets up the pressure; Buck will either be hers or no ones.

curly said...

When she needed some marital attention, Curly’s wife dropped all pretenses of subtlety.

Submariner said...

Behind the scenes look at what cuases those repetitive "Dawn's Head Explosions?"

Steve O said...

I'd say this effectively ends the "War on Women."

Kaptain Krude said...

Cons: The trapeze apparatus can only be set up in the right spaces. Pros: The new turkey carver is amazingly accurate.

Kaptain Krude said...

This Ang Lee re-make of Logan's Run is deeply, deeply disturbing.

Kaptain Krude said...

Pew pew pew!

Mr Hankey said...

Someone found where Tinkerbell has been hiding.

Markus ARyanas said...

"And for my next trick, I'll blow a rainbow outta my cunt!!!"

Carpe Phlogiston said...

We've replaced her regular venereal disease with a genetically modified form that fluoresces wildly upon contact with air. Let's see if her pimp and Johns can tell the difference.

-OR-

These new Summers Eve commercials are just plain creepy.

-OR-

Sick muslim zealots stone their whores. Mexican drug lords turn them into festive piñatas. Arriba, Arriba! Andale, Andale!

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Karnac & the final hermetically-sealed envelope: 2 liters of CocaCola, a pack of Mentos and an LED flashlight
ED: name 3 items you don't insert in Rosie O'Donnell's uterus during sweeps week.

The Expendable said...

All will bow before Queen Shaqueefa!

The Expendable said...

Congratulations to Mandy Queeferson, winner of the 2014 Skittles "Taste the Rainbow" Commercial Contest.

The Expendable said...

ORA:

"More Skittles, Mr. Taggart?"
"I'd say you've had enough!"

The Expendable said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Expendable said...

♫♪ "... Blinded by the light,
Revved up like a douche,
Another squirter in my eyes..." ♪♫

Anonymous said...

In the search for a viable laser cannon, the Air Force awards an R&D contract to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Anonymous said...

Look closely and you'll see she emits one horsepower of propulsion.

curly said...

Putin’s secret weapon for when Hilldawg gets elected President.

Dr. Doom said...

Obama Administration green energy initiatives are getting stranger and stranger but at least female scientists are being paid more as a result. Dr. Bunny made over $147 in tips for this particular demonstration at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory...

GregMan said...

Decline of Western Civilization? What Decline of Western Civilization?

GregMan said...

On the minus side, we no longer have a Manned Space Program. On the plus side, we have this.