Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Yes, those are Fleshjacks


1. "Look at all these giant flashlights I found in Dad's toolshed!"

2. It's a hard-knock life being one of Sandy Fluke's interns.

3. Andy Dick's personal assistant unloads the dishwasher. Unfortunately, he forgot to put on the industrial leather gloves and two weeks later his hands rotted off.

5. "Hey, Father Flannagan, look what I found! I guess that's why they call it a rectory."

6. "Should I be bothered by the fact that all of my friends got me the exact same birthday present and it was *this*?"

Best of dadoctah
    A 21st-century nod to the days when every supervillain had his "themed" arsenal of trick weapons (remember the Penguin's collection of umbrellas?)

Best of kg
    I didn't know that Pajama Boy had a brother.

Best of jimmy
    ORA: I will love him and hug him, and squeeze him and pet him, and I will name him George!

Best of The Expendable
    Since most Democrat voters already had multiple Obama phones, campaign workers had to find other "incentives" to buy their votes... err... encourage their loyalty.

Best of Best of
    Herschel's homemade menorahs are a hit in Hell's Kitchen

Best of Best of
    Fresh from searching every San Fran glory-hole for the famed golden ticket, Charlie beams with pride at winning a tour of Wee Willie Wonka's pencil-dick emporium.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Five white ones for your interns and the premium gold model for you. Should I box them all together or will you be wearing yours home, Mrs. Clinton?

Best of Mr Hankey
    Of course they were free! I got them on a late-night shopping spree in Ferguson!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "I... I no longer want to be called PajamaBoy," he said rapturously. "From this moment on, they will call me.... Captain Fleshlight!"

    (Now he just needs to put the nipples on his suit, and he'll be just like Batman.)

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Rory's unique resume packet got him interviews for Supply Manager with 3 Antarctic research teams, China's submarine fleet and NASA's International Space Station.

Best of GregMan
    Todd is overjoyed that for once he has plans for Friday night.

23 comments:

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Major Frank Burns' grandson shows off his chinless beard.


-OR-

Good News/Bad News
Robbie the shoe salesman's thawtbubble: Payless cured me of my foot fetish... by expanding into custom-fit Fleshlights.

-OR-

Here you go, Thing. Pardon my curiosity, but exactly how do you use a Fleshlight?

dadoctah said...

A 21st-century nod to the days when every supervillain had his "themed" arsenal of trick weapons (remember the Penguin's collection of umbrellas?)

kg said...

I didn't know that Pajama Boy had a brother.

jimmy said...

ORA: I will love him and hug him, and squeeze him and pet him, and I will name him George!

chronos the wonder pig said...

Party on Aisle 15

The Expendable said...

After Percy's unauthorized "testing" of the merchandise, the manager of the Swingtime Superstore rebranded the fleshlights as "pre-lubed" and jacked up the price by 10%.

The Expendable said...

Since most Democrat voters already had multiple Obama phones, campaign workers had to find other "incentives" to buy their votes... err... encourage their loyalty.

Anonymous said...

Starbucks throws in the towel and designs travel mugs to fall onto your lap without any fear of a lawsuit

Anonymous said...

Never let a gay guy plan a bachelor party

Anonymous said...

Herschel's homemade menorahs are a hit in Hell's Kitchen

Anonymous said...

Somebody tell this clown that Buddy Holly wrote a song about Peggy Sue, not a paean to polypropylene

Anonymous said...

Thank you obamacare.
Thank you!
Thank you!!
Thank you!!!

Anonymous said...

That's not going to boost organ donation

Anonymous said...

Urnials, the cremation urns designed for one last defilement of your enemies and unloved ones.

Anonymous said...

Fresh from searching every San Fran glory-hole for the famed golden ticket, Charlie beams with pride at winning a tour of Wee Willie Wonka's pencil-dick emporium.

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Irving's San Franciscan adult novelty shop doubled Fleshlight sales with a BROmantic marketing slogan: "The ghey couple that pleys together steys together."


Carpe Phlogiston said...

Five white ones for your interns and the premium gold model for you. Should I box them all together or will you be wearing yours home, Mrs. Clinton?

chronos the wonder pig said...

Tired of cleaning his screen, Donnie gets ready for the Thursday babes on VtK's site......

Mr Hankey said...

Of course they were free! I got them on a late-night shopping spree in Ferguson!

Kaptain Krude said...

"I... I no longer want to be called PajamaBoy," he said rapturously. "From this moment on, they will call me.... Captain Fleshlight!"

(Now he just needs to put the nipples on his suit, and he'll be just like Batman.)

Dr. Doom said...

"The gold one,", replied Rodney wistfully, "Oh that's Sidney, she's from the Gold Coast of Australia..."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

Gary grinned and said to the nun, "Well, yes Sister, I suppose they could be used as travel mugs."
Marie: "Okay, I'll need one for the sexton, the organist, preacher O'Gillis of course, plus that gold one for Mother Superior."
Gary' thawtbubble: Someone's going to hell, they just don't know it!

-OR-

Twinkbubble: This sure beats hell outta selling Tupperware! First I'm hitting frat house row, then maybe the lezzie sorority. They use strap-ons... these should sell like hotcakes, right?

-OR-

The next Warren Buffet extrapolates...
About 50% of the global population needs one of these suckers. Whoa... SUCKERS! I wonder if anyone makes a vacuum attachment?

-OR-

Rory's unique resume packet got him interviews for Supply Manager with 3 Antarctic research teams, China's submarine fleet and NASA's International Space Station.

-OR-

This portable version is SO much better than grandpa Chet's vintage Fleshlight!

GregMan said...

Todd is overjoyed that for once he has plans for Friday night.