Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Part-Time SCOAMF



1. The psychiatrist had never had a patient like this before. His answer to every Rorschach blot was "Me being awesome."

2. "Here is Mr. Holder's resignation letter. We have crossed out 'cap some white-ass punk cracker bitches' and put in 'spend more time with my family.'"

3. "And this sheet of paper lists all of your pre-presidential, first term, second term, and anticipated lifelong accomplishments."

4. "So, after that little call from the IRS, Malia's biology teacher wised up and changed that C- to an A+."

5. "Anyway, this is a drawing of what you and Reggie Love were doing when Sasha walked in, according to her therapist."

Best of Submariner
Which davenport would you most like your wife to wear to the next State Dinner?

Best of jimmy
SCOAMF thoughtbubble: "Look! White, thin, devoid of information and held up for ridicule...the perfect State Department spokeswoman."

Best of Markus ARyanas
"Mr. President, it looks NOTHING like a pair of tits!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Bored and in a hurry to begin his next vacation, the President instructs his National Security Chief to summarize all of the daily Security Briefs onto one sheet... block printed in crayon... RED crayon...

Best of Best of
If you need any help with the big words Mr. President we can get Valarie in here.

Best of Whacko
"Well dang!" exclaimed the president, "All this time I thought security briefs were undies with extra thickness in the crotch."

Best of The Expendable
"That's funny. Dagwood sure loves his... umm... sandwiches. What's next? Umm... 'Fred Bassett'? I never... umm... understood that one. Go ahead and... umm... turn the page, Denis. And get me a... umm... sandwich."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
no, get me high quality porn - like Ebola does Dallas!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Mr. President, how much longer until your regular TelePrompter is back in service?"
"Stop whining, um Jim. You knew what you were (scroll that a little faster) getting into when you, um signed up (scroll just a little faster) on the health care web, um uh website."

2:40 AM Delete
Best of Kaptain Krude
"'Um, see, um uh see D-, see um Dick, see um Dick um uh run.'"
Best of Jay Guevara
"Good news. We found your transcripts, Mr. President."

Best of curly
"...and here's the very detailed map that your security detail gave to the crazy fence jumper."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Now say it with me, now. 'Ebola epidemic'.
"Eboly epidemic"
Ebo-la
"Ebo-lee"
E-bo-la
"E-bo-lee"
*sigh* Very good, Mr. President.

26 comments:

Submariner said...

SCOAMF stutter bubble: "So THAT'S what uh, a, uh, daily intell, um, intelligence briefing, uh looks, um like..."

Submariner said...

"Which of these 4 pictures shows a peaceful religion, Mr President?
A - Hijacked commercial jets flying into the twin towers.
B - Jihadi John beheading a US journalist promoting Islamic issues in the mideast.
C - Mother Theresa feeding the poor, or
D - ISIL Forces slaughtering Iraqi Christian children for being aline?"
"Can you, uh, give me a, uh, hint?"
"The other three are all acts of terror."
"We don't use, uh, um, the 'T' word in, um, my Adminis, uh, Administration..."

Submariner said...

Which davenport would you most like your wife to wear to the next State Dinner?

jimmy said...

SCOAMF thoughtbubble: "Look! White, thin, devoid of information and held up for ridicule...the perfect State Department spokeswoman."

Markus ARyanas said...

"Mr. President, it looks NOTHING like a pair of tits!"

Dr. Doom said...

Bored and in a hurry to begin his next vacation, the President instructs his National Security Chief to summarize all of the daily Security Briefs onto one sheet... block printed in crayon... RED crayon...

Dr. Doom said...

NSA Chairman: "...and this Mr. President is the ISIL plan for the destruction of America."
President: "Ooh it's ...um ...shiny"
NSA Chairman: "Yes sir it is a piece of Mylar film taped to the very same manila folder I put your security briefs in..."

Dr. Doom said...

"Very good sir - you almost got it that time," coached the Legal Counselor, "but it is 'Senator, I do NOT recall ever seeing that document before'..."

Anonymous said...

If you need any help with the big words Mr. President we can get Valarie in here.

Whacko said...

"Well dang!" exclaimed the president, "All this time I thought security briefs were undies with extra thickness in the crotch."

Dr. Doom said...

Aide: "...yes sir I know it is blank"
Prez: "How am I um ...supposed to do a ah ...press um ...conference with a blank page?"
Aide: "These are Mr. Biden's talking points sir - you will be using the teleprompter as usual..."
Prez: "Ohhh good um ...thinking Bob. We can't be ahhh ...too careful with the um ...midterms coming up, can we?"

Mr Hankey said...

Here is the list of celebrity names you provided us to snoop. Operation Fappening is under way.

USMC2841 said...

Let me be perfectly clear. I can make it without a teleprompter. Hold it higher, Jim.

The Expendable said...

"That's funny. Dagwood sure loves his... umm... sandwiches. What's next? Umm... 'Fred Bassett'? I never... umm... understood that one. Go ahead and... umm... turn the page, Denis. And get me a... umm... sandwich."

chronos the wonder pig said...

no, get me high quality porn - like Ebola does Dallas!

Kaptain Krude said...

"Mr. President, how much longer until your regular TelePrompter is back in service?"

"Stop whining, um Jim. You knew what you were (scroll that a little faster) getting into when you, um signed up (scroll just a little faster) on the health care web, um uh website."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

The Blame Game
As you can see in this color diagram, everything you've ever fk'ed up falls within 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, so Holder's last official act will be to press formal charges of treason and beat the GOP to he punch!

-OR-

$250/hr Dept. of "Justice" investigator: Near as we can figure, you once told a community activist you liked Bob Hope and Tommy Chong. She told a reporter who shortened it to Hope & Chong in a fluffy article. Then, your illiterate campaign staffer Marcus misspelled it "Hope & Change" on a bathroom stall and the rest is history.
O: Huh.

Kaptain Krude said...

"'Um, see, um uh see D-, see um Dick, see um Dick um uh run.'"







Clearly, I've um sat through too many of um his press conferences.

Jay Guevara said...

"Good news. We found your transcripts, Mr. President."

curly said...

"...and here's the very detailed map that your security detail gave to the crazy fence jumper."

Rodney Dill said...

"Crap... all I see is another spider."

Carpe Phlogiston said...

NSA Lead Prankster: We've run out of real celebrity nude selfies to "leak" but look what my Photoshop team did - pasted Chancellor Merkel's head on Putin's body! Biden's already ordered an 8x10 glossy plus some wallet size.

-OR-

Boss, Yellen's still deeply troubled by stagnant wages, income and asset gap, pension debt bombs, yada yada yada; but per your request, I dug out these lyrics to Happy Days Are Here Again, booked the Marine Corps band and dry-cleaned your WB Frog costume so you can dance around any hardball questions during the fantasy 5.9% unemployment rate press conference.

Kaptain Krude said...

"No, I feel very safe here in the White House. Who are you again?"

"I'm the guy who just jumped over your fence."

Kaptain Krude said...

"That looks like a very comfortable paper to wipe my ass with. What is it?"

It's the Constitution, Mister President.

"Perfect! I'm not using that anyway!"

dadoctah said...

"Same as the last eight inkblots you've shown me. A bunny, a ducky, and a horsey."

Kaptain Krude said...

Now say it with me, now. 'Ebola epidemic'.

"Eboly epidemic"

Ebo-la

"Ebo-lee"

E-bo-la

"E-bo-lee"

*sigh* Very good, Mr. President.