Monday, March 31, 2014

Hold My Place

Can you guys handle this one? It's my son's birthday. We're going to the range. Bang! Bang!


Best of Dr. Doom
    "City health inspection sir," explained Karla, "I have to check you for worms in the rear..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yes officer I have been a bad boy," replied Steve, "In fact I have been so bad that you'd better call for backup..."

Best of Submariner
    Looks like the Zucker brothers are remaking TJ Hooker...

Best of Dr. Doom
    "We don't abide speeders here in Hooker Valley Mr. Smith," explained Officer Shayla, "Now step out of the vehicle and assume the position..."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    'I need to confiscate all the batteries in your car..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Don't taze me, ho!"

Saturday, March 29, 2014

A Nice Weekend in the Country



Threadwinner: Submariner
    At best, most actors get a star on the sidewalk in Hollywood, maybe a monument in their home town. Bill Shatner really set a new bar for popular success, didn't he?

Best of jimmy
Three exits past Gonorrhea Gulch on I-69 sits Hooker Valley, the bucolic (and occasionally bulimic) setting for this winter's upcoming blockbuster, "Not Without My Valtrex," a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

Best of dadoctah
    "Pepperidge Fahm remembahs...."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Lassie Nooooooo." shouted a horrified Timmy...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Hours later, Timmy dejectedly walked back to the road. "Don't bother," he muttered. "It's just a bed with a hundred Sandra Fluke clones in it."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Mulder finally gets his way with Scully when they investigate Area 69!


Best of Whacko
"I should have plenty of time to jog the 30 miles into Hooker Valley, knock off a piece, have a nice meal, and be back before the "Best of's" are posted."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    One little indiscretion for Marty in 1955 and Hill Valley is altered forever.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Dark Helmet Versus the Mohels


1. Well, someone's got some worms in his rear.

2. And now we know why his helmet is shaped like that.

3. The extra-large codpiece really brings the message home.

4. Say what you will about Putin, the guy knows how to use social media to get just about any message across.

5. Lord Vader actually didn't give a sh-t about circumcision, he just wanted to get in the pants of that crazy activist chick, Mon Mothma.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Flip side of sign: Let me tell you about Ron Paul...

Best of Whacko
    Just wondering; in the Evil Empire are circumcisions performed with a light saber?

Best of dadoctah
    That guy with the red face paint in Phantom Menace? Darth Mohel.

Best of Submariner
    His daughter's sexuality has left Dick Cheney a bitter man, hasn't it?

Best of dadoctah
    May the foreskin be with you.

Best of dadoctah
    ...or...
    I find your lack of foreskin...disturbing.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Dumb and Dumbererest


1. Sandy Fluke found out that when she hung around with Pelosi, she didn't need to worry about birth control.

2. "So, canceling the Tomahawk cruise missile program will cover my contraceptive costs through 2016, but what about after that?"

3. "Speaking of Tomahawk missiles, can of them be... um... 'repurposed?' Like with a vibrating attachment?"

4. "When Hillary shows up soon with the eye and the tooth, Perseus is due for an ass-kicking."

5. "Just shine a light in their eyes, works better than deer," said Cletus. "Now, bring me my 30.06." 

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "We have worms in the rear."

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate universe #349586    "The taxpayers shouldn't have to subsidize our birth control. Our looks and personality will be just as effective"

Best of Dr. Doom
    If only government funded birth control had been available to their mothers...

Best of Submariner
    Isn't one of them supposed to be talking while the other's mouth doesn't move?

Best of Submariner
    I.SEE.TWO.IDIOTS...

Best of Whacko
    Not sure, but I think this picture just turned me geh.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Whacko - check the next one to be sure...

Best of curly   
Dumbererest: "You actually got laid?"
    Dumb: "It was a fluke."

Best of Steve O
    The camera's focus mechanism employs its self-defense mode.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "We have worms in the rear."

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate universe #349586    "The taxpayers shouldn't have to subsidize our birth control. Our looks and personality will be just as effective"

Best of Dr. Doom
    If only government funded birth control had been available to their mothers...

Best of Submariner
    Isn't one of them supposed to be talking while the other's mouth doesn't move?

Best of Submariner
    I.SEE.TWO.IDIOTS...

Best of Whacko
    Not sure, but I think this picture just turned me geh.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Whacko - check the next one to be sure...

Best of curly   
Dumbererest: "You actually got laid?"
    Dumb: "It was a fluke."

Best of Steve O
    The camera's focus mechanism employs its self-defense mode.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Remember When Tuesdays Used to be About This



1. Andrew Sullivan's Bear Review was one of many rejected options to fill Piers Morgan's vacant time slot.

2. Billy's mom should have read the fine print before hiring the Dancing Bears to perform at his ninth birthday.

3. Surprisingly, the Gay Amish resort was a huge success.
Best of Dr. Doom
    The Russian women's bobsled team relaxing after a hard day of training...

Best of Submariner
    Visitors to the "Andrew Sullivan's Bears and Bulls" website aren't going there for investing advice.

Best of Artfldgr
    We put the men in Mennonite

Best of Steve O
    The newest ObamaCare ad makes another play for a very, very specific demographic.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Cue ZZ Top "Cheap Sunglasses"



1. Hilldog's Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses turned black the moment she took them out of the box and never changed back.

2. "I am Arachnia,Queen of the Spider People. Your worlds is mine. Hiss-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s."

3. The outrageous glasses were designed to draw attention away from Hillary's problem areas... cankles, gigantic hips, leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi...

4. "Next item on the auction block... the actual Beer Goggles Bill was wearing the night we first made the beast with two backs."

5. The glasses could mean only one thing... Janet Reno got rough last night.

Best of Submariner
    So Bill approaches Monica's boob like so...

Best of John Schneider
    Hillary chose to personify "Cheap Sunglasses" after she found out what "Pearl Necklace" was really about.

Best of Artfldgr
    Various assistants have commented on her need to pretend to be empress of the universe...

Best of Submariner
    Hillary holds up her favorite pair of Britney Spears' panties for bidding at her "What Does It Really Matter?" charity auction.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Part of Hillary's fake face falls off and the peoples' worst fears are realized.
    ORA V

Best of curly
    "They Live II": This time the ruling monsters wear the sunglasses.

Best of Submariner
    It's a well known scientific fact that C.H.U.D. can't stand either sun- or spot-lights...


Still... Too Soon


Friday, March 21, 2014

A Vivid Riot of Redheads



1. Hogwarts Class of 2024. Ron Weasley really got around.

2. The organizers of the Million Ginger March were later accused of using Photoshop to inflate their numbers.

3. ORA: James Nguyen takes a Fillinesque turn in his latest film, Gingerdemic

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Japanese Are Very... Odd


1. Breastfeeding flashbacks can be socially crippling.

2.Say what you will about weird Japanese game shows, but I think The Price Is Right could benefit if "Molest the Tower of Boobs" was added to its games.

3. "It's got me!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    The Playtex genetic research team dreams about this.

Threadwinner: Dr. Doom
The Japanese version of Jerusalem's Wailing Wall has generated a surprising number of converts...

Best of dadoctah
    Once word got out, the lines for The Lady Gaga Experience were around the block.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    AIEEEE!!!! Gorga comes!!

Best of Double the U
    It is about time they had a store at the mall to keep men busy for a couple of hours while their wives shopped.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEE!!! Hirrary!"

Best of Submariner
Low budget monster flicks from Japan are always so entertaining. Is this character's name "Nipponstra?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks like the nerd trap is working...

Amish Hipsters






1. "Try this... 'Slowly, Ezekiel crept upon her as she langorously churned the butter. Soon, she felt the bristle of his beard against the back of her bonnet. In the distance, a horse whinnied..."

2. "Bearded Twink couple seeks well endowed black stud for... how explicit can we make this ad before Craigslist rejects it."

3. "Of course you're not getting 'Best ofs...' He's been in Canada for the last week. There are no 'Best ofs.'"

4. "He doesn't like plowing at all, he only cares about barn-raising...." Brett fumed. Amish Match-dot-com was going to get a very nasty complaint email.

5. "Our HipsterPorn Kickstarter has raised $17.00. It turns out only Andrew Sullivan wants to see us hump." 

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    For heaven's sakes, Samuel, put your arms down and your shoes back on. You skipped Saturday bath night again!

Best of dadoctah
    Guys you'd never guess were hard-core bronies: #27 in a series.

Best of Whacko
    "Yeah, I noticed too. My feet are extra large. Do you suppose I'm a Hobbit?"

Best of Artfldgr
    Happened again. Boss called me Frontier Freemont again...

Best of Submariner
 I'm not into teh gey culture so can someone explain to me how you can tell which one is "the beard?"

Best of Submariner
    The ad sayeth "brood mare - cheap." Dost thou think it time for me to take a wife, Elijah?

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Is that a barn raisin' in thy trousers Obadiah or art thou glad to see me?" asked Zedekiah.

Best of Best of
    I kid thee not, Obadiah. There wast a veritable tower of plush mammary toys and the English was entering it!

Monday, March 17, 2014

Heh


Hillary Does Her Monica Impression

I'm still vacationing in the Great White North. Hit Her with Your Best Shot. 



Threadwinner: Steve O
    "Give me... sugar... in water."

Best of Submariner
    The Hildawg tries her damdestr NOT to let her laxative kick in...

Best ofJay Guevara
    "BrrrrrrrRRRRAPPPP!"
    "AAAAaaahhhhh."
    Hillary's staff hated when she ate a burrito for lunch.

Best ofCarpe Phlogiston
Hillary's use of an undocumented plastic surgeon for her 2016 face lift had an unintended albeit hilarious consequence.

Best ofsatted
    It's gonna blow!!!

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Mr. Weiner, put that away and get back to work on my campaign," chortled Mrs. Clinton...

Best ofWhacko
    Hill shows her "O Face."

Best of Dactyl
Holding her breath didn't cure her hiccups, so Bill showed her a picture of President Joe Biden.

Best of  Subby
    When you try to hold in a queef, everyone knows it's you anyways, Hill...

Thursday, March 13, 2014

One Shot

Shortly after the incident, the airline changed its policy and Michael Moore was never allowed to sit in first class again. 



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    That's the last time I use a smartphone app called "You R Here."

Best of Dr. Doom
 "Well at least that is over with," commented Captain Oveur, "Now Joey, about that Turkish prison..."

Best of Dr. Doom
The Jamaican Bobsled Team's triumphant return fell a little short but for some reason nobody minded too much...

Best of jimmy
The airline learned the hard way that serving Corned Beef and Cabbage as the in-flight meal was not recommended, especially on the non-stop to Dublin.

Best of Steve O
    If we had a nationalized health care system, this sort of thing wouldn't happen.

Best of Submariner
Unfortunately, the pilot let the passengers deplane before the engines had completely wound down. "No fatalities in the carash" was quickly removed as a headline when the passenger in pink was pulled into the intake...
 

Chicks with Big Tits with Guns



Chicks with Big Tits in Cars #Bossy



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Hairnets for Rubberheads



1. "I'll have the Wegyu steak with a side of arugula, please. What, no wegyu? OK, dog, then."

2. "Do fries go with that shake? Oh, wait, they apparently do."

3. "Oh, c'mon, just scrape off the mold. What are you, some kinda pussy?"

4. "So, ya wanna hang out in the unisex bathroom and watch the cheerleaders throw up later?"

5. "Soylent tater tots? What are they made out of?"

Rubbberhead

What do you make of this? 
 


Best of Dr. Doom
"Resistance is futile, you will be assimilated," intoned a mechanical voice emanating from Locutus of Detroit...

Best Best of of
    A Libertarian deftly avoids the "tin foil hat" pejorative

Best of Jay Guevara
"Come in, Lord Obama. Come in. OK, I read you 5x5."

Best of Jay Guevara
    Sandra Fluke is so jealous.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
   if Obama had a black sister.

Best of Brender
    Does Miley Cyrus know about this??

Best of Dactyl
    Dawn finally found a way to keep her head from exploding.

Best of Cybrludite
    "What do you make of this?"
    I can make a hat, or a broach, or a pterodactyl...

Best of Jay Guevara
Meet Laquisha Shabazz (D-Compton). Sheila Jackson Lee, move over. You've got comp-et-ition. /Cosell

Best of Steve O
    But I think everyone agrees, she's not going to get pregnant, right?

Best of Best of
    Normally, the term "dick-head" is just a figure of speech. But in your case, madam...

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Somewhere in Canada, a Village Is Missing its Douchebag

So, this happen'd
 

1. Bieber shows off his "Resting Douchebag" face.

2. "Your honor, the jury will disregard that my client is a complete douchebag."

3. "Overruled. Jury may consider the fact that the Defendant is a complete douchebag."

4. "Mr Bieber, can you show us the exact face you made when you saw Lena Dunham naked on SNL?"

5. Things got even worse after the deposition when the Fashion Police gave him a $500 fine and six months probation for the hideous jacket. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

Too Soon?


Draw Tippy



1. Mitch McConnell's new press secretary, Thing, informs the reporters the senator will take no more questions.

2. "Gentlemen, please save your questions until I'm done stomping on the Conservative Base."

3. "And then, after we finished passing the Debt Ceiling bill, I went in the cloak room and gave Harry Reid a reacharound, like so."

4. "Check out my manicure, everyone. That new girl at the senate spa is fabulous!"

5. "Go on, smell it, you'll never guess where it just was."

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Friday, March 07, 2014

Musket Mitch


1. "Now, let's storm the Ensure factory."

2. "You Tea Party kids get out of my party."

3. Somebodyshould take that thing away from him before he hurts somebody. By "that thing," I mean his senate leadership post. He can keep the boomstick.

4. "Look at me, I'm a Drum Majorette!"

5. "My hands are, in fact, cold and dead. Molon Labe."

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

Kangaroo Pick-Up Lines


1.  "Hey, baby. Want me to jump your bones?" 

2.  "My wife doesn't understand me..." 

3. "Eats, shoots, and leaves? No, baby, that's pandas."

4. "Hey, baby, wanna see my billabong?" 

5. If DH Lawrence wrote "Winnie the Pooh." 

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Has Sarah Jessica Parker lost some weight?

Best of Dr. Doom
    'Ow to speak Australian... Blind Date...

Best of Submariner
Hollywood Insider: Demi Moore signed for the Australian remake of "Francis the Talking Mule." No word yet which role she'll be playing.

Best of Dactyl
    Piglet and Roo hit puberty.

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Hey, baby, want to hop into the sack?"

Best of Markus ARyanas
"So, what'll get ya in the sack? I useta be lead singer of Midnight Oil or me and Croc Dundee are really tight? I'm hung like a Koala, C'MON TELL ME, WHAT?"

Best of Jack Reacher
   "You can call me Carlos. Carlos Danger."

 


Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Drinking Game

Brender


1. "How about a drink before we start f--king things up today?"

2. "We are going to stand here and drink shots of Everclear until Rachel Maddow looks hot."  And that's how the POTUS and VPOTUS died of alcohol poisoning.

3.  "A meth bender always leaves me dehydrated. You, too?"

4. As they passed out on the hideous oval office rug, only then did they realize they had used the roophies on each other!

5. "Does this taste like pee to you? I bet you'd never guess it was pee if I didn't tell you."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "S0, Hillary accepted our golden shower invitation?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    I think we've done enough damage to the country. Enjoy the Kool-Aid.

Best of jimmy
 At the same moment this photo was taken, dozens of confused viewers across America watched MSDNC as Chris Matthews suddenly began making gargling noises during his latest rant.

Best of metalgarth
    Alternate Universe X45329D: After a long day cutting the budget and getting federal spending under control, President Sotero and Vice President Biden enjoy the highly successful Crystal Pepsi.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Biden: "Well sir we really have the middle class on the run now that the Affordable Care Act has started to take hold..."
    Obama: "Tvoye zdorovye, comrade!"

Best of Best of
    Where's Jim Jones
    when we need him?

Best of Dactyl
    Looks like they forgot which one is the dummy.

No Caption, Just This


Monday, March 03, 2014

The Old Run Around


1. M'Chel's queefs are harder to outrun than a Hollywood movie explosion.

2. Safe School Czar must be giving away free kiddo pr0n again.

3. Let me guess, Free Village People Reunion tickets on the South Lawn. 

4. Fleet's in.

5. "The Flash was supposed to let me, um, win so I would, um, look good. Schedule his ass for an audit."

Best of Double the U
Hey Joe, whatta ya say we put on a shirt, tie, dress pants, dress shoes and then fake running short distances around the Casa de Blanco while cameras record this silliness?

Best of Submariner
    M'Chel held a press conference to say she's "No longer proud of Amerikkka..."

Best of Submariner
    "Red Rover, Red Rover;
    Send the idiot on over."

Best of Submariner
    The White House cheff must be making Collie and rice for dinner.

Best of jimmy
    "Some little girl set up a lemonade stand on the north lawn? Quick, Joe! We must crush that little infidel and her capitalistic dreams before others get ideas!"

Best of Dr. Doom
    In a perfect world there would be an angry mob with torches and pitchforks chasing them...

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Quick Robin, to the Buttcave," shouted the President. The Vice President has come to dread Cosplay Fridays at the White House...

Best of Dr. Doom
    In a perfect world, Mr. Obama would be yelling, "Wait ma'am you left your car keys on the table..."

It Must Suck for Obama to Have to Deal with Someone as Arrogant and Lawless as Putin


1. Not shown: Putin on the other side of the call making "jerkoff" motions.

2. Is that a Kool Menthol dangling from his elbow?

3. "OK, Reggie, come down in five minutes, I'll be bent over the chair with my mom jeans around my ankles."

4. Putin: "Is this the COCKSUCKER residence? 1-6-0-0 PUSSY Way..."

5.  "I warn you Putin.... I have a pen and a phone... so... you better behave."  

&. "Would someone please come take this shoplifting tag off my new man shirt?"

Threadwinner Jay Guevara
    "Yes, Mr. Soros. No, Mr. Soros. Right away, Mr. Soros."

Best of USMC2841
 To usurp The Constitution, press 1. To seal your records, press 2. To keep Gitmo open, press 3.

Best of GregMan
    "What are you wearing, Reggie? Describe it to me."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "My sleeves are rolled up, Putin! My sleeves are rolled up!"

Best of Submariner
    How did you say you wanted your coffee, Mr. Clinton?

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Putin said he would bend me over and do what to me, Kerry? Even after you said pretty please?" asked the President. "Well, I guess you should tell him all options are on the table but he had better be gentle..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    WAIT! Don't put me on ... aww hell, why do world leaders keep doing that to me?"

Best of mega
    "...and the lamentations of your women..."

 


 

Saturday, March 01, 2014

Please, Please, Please Let This Be Real