Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Oh, Her...


1."Oooh, right in the balls. Sorry, Hillary."

2. Some people just don't have Gavin Newsom's complete lack of gag reflex.

3. "Boob belt... too tight... can't breathe."

4. "Damn... that's the biggest chalk-faced whore I've ever seen."

5. "OMG, Pelosi's face is melting. Is it the botox failure or is the psilocybin kicking in?"

Threadwinner metalgarth
    Actually, the first annual Ebonics Spelling Bee was much harder than anticipated

Best of Submariner
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Hillary?

Best of Submariner
    m'Chel finds out eatin' shovels are on back-order.

Best of Dactyl
    Michele's Rodney Dangerfield impression is surprisingly good.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Barry be out of a job in 2 years & that NBA owner be a Billionaire who needs a new girlfriend...hmmmm...

Best of curly
    “…and if I still had my real uni-brow eyebrows from before the sex change procedure, they would be raised to indicate the contempt I have for the bitter clingers out there.”

Best of Best of
    Calgon for Klingons, take me away!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Feelings....
    nothing more than... feelings."

Best of satted
    "Oh Lord Jesus it's a fire"

Best of Submariner
    You know how to whistle, don't you, m'Chel? You just pucker up and blow... oh... OH!
    Uhhhh, never mind...

    Please stop.

    PLEASE

Attack of the Promoted Stingers

From Here



Monday, April 28, 2014

You Always Take Me to the Nicest Places


1. "If you're gonna order the most expensive thing on the KFC menu, you damn well better be putting out."

2. As the SCOAMF muttered constantly under his breath, "I can eat whatever I damn well please, you see this? You big hipped Klingon b-tch," the Rev wondered if the rumors about their marriage were true.

3. "I was hoping this dinner we could talk about us, but as usual, it's just me, me, me. I think we should see other people." 

Best of Best of
    A life-sized Sharpton booble-head included with each meal

Best of any mouse
    Say, wanna take in the Clippers game tonight?

Best of dadoctah
    Om nom nom nom nom....

Best of Submariner
After watching O gnaw the chicken leg, Al reconsiders the "dangle scheme" he had planned for later after casually suggesting "let's have some dessert over at Man Country..."

Best of GregMan
    "My faggottini is cold."

Best of metalgarth
    Soul food? More like Asshole Food if you ask me.

Best of satted
    Look two empty shirts eating dinner...

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Say, did you try any of that robo-sex while you were in japan?

Friday, April 25, 2014

Hockey Tot



Threadwinner: dadoctah
    Rob Ford: The Legend Begins.

V the K
Two men enter! One man leaves! Two men enter! One man leaves!

Best of of
    Suckling little Henry on the blood on innocents paid dividends come playoffs.

Best of Jay Guevara
    "You assholes are running up debt I'm going to spend my life paying off!"

Best of jimmy
    "Check out those cheerleaders! Now THAT's what I call a buffet line!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    5 bucks says the robot takes Barry in 2 rounds.....

Best of Dr. Doom
    Fans of the Saskatchewan Thunder-Cunts start pretty young. Opposing players dread being sent to the 'penalty box'...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"PACKERS! WOOOO!" Nobody has ever accused the residents of Green Bay of being the sharpest skates on the ice.

Best of Submariner
    Brett Fahvre, the early years.

Best of Submariner
    Jeff Dunham momentarily forgot he wasn't on stage with Peanut; leading to a court injuction to remain at least 1500 feet away from his wife and children during the divorce proceedings...

The SCOAMF Bows to a Robot


You guys take this, I'm going spelunking. 

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "M'Chel wants to know if attachments are included?"

Best of GregMan
"Yes, it's truly an amazing technological achievement! Can you make it give me my hand back now?"

Best of GregMan
One is a soulless automaton bent on the destruction of all human freedom, the other is a cute little white robot.

Best of Jay Guevara
    "These are not the Negroes you're looking for."

Best of Dr. Doom
"No seriously, I want to be taken to your leader," demanded the mechanical voice emanating from First-Lord Qa' atratang of the Quareulian Battle Cruiser...

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Hmmm... Just about podium height... this could be just the thing to replace Matthews," thought the President.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Robot: "I dare you to cross this line!'
    Barry: "Well, I double dare you to cross this line!!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    O'Thawtbubble: Nice thing about political correctness is, nobody will complain if I put this out on the front lawn.

Best of Best of
    Asimo swaggers after all calculations prove him the most masculine thing in the room

Best of mega
    Everybody who doesn't understand how a street agitating race hustling punk can have become leader of the free world, grab one hand in the other.


Best of Submariner
One is a soulless construct incapable of autonomous thought and able only to perform actions its handlers programmed into it; the other is a cute little white robot.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Robot Thawt: Jeez, I've written a new concerto, discovered a flaw in the Isogeny theorem and won a 12 simultaneous chess game match versus the Harvard Club in the time this boob's been trying to answer, "Why don't black guys get white tattoos?"

Best of Submariner
    Megapussi covers up and starts to roll up into fetal position after the little Japanese robot kicks what's left of his manhood.
 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

By Age 50, Everyone Has the Face They Deserve



1. "P'tagh!  The halls of Sto-vo-kor will be washed with your blood."

2. Out of frame, Hillary seethed. "Michelle is eating all the good children herself!"

3. "You two little crackers know any good Jew jokes?"

4. "Can't a woman take a dump on the White House lawn without you little white crackers getting all in her grill??"

5. "Wait a minute. If you two little white girls are over here, then what's on the barbecue grill?" 

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "When Barry told me he was half white, I thought our children would look like you!"

Best of Best of
    "Wrong holiday, Mrs. Obama, this is Easter, not Halloween." "I gets confused with all these cracker holidays where somebody comes back from the dead."

Best of Submariner
    No, dis dress weren't no fraggin' "picnic table cloth" before it was my dress.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Eat you? Of course I'm not going to eat you," soothed the First Lady, "I am going to tax your parents into the poor house and then one of you will have to eat the other..."

Best of Submariner
The predator was loathsome to behold at all times, but especially so just before it removed the still-beating heart from a victim.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Ok, which one of you brats salted my hard boiled egg with alum?

Best of marco
    Rare footage of the jaw unhinging just prior to M'chelle's mid-morning snack.

Best of GregMan
    "We gonna see if you white girls bleed a lot!"

Best of curly
    "...and if you two little chalk faced junk-food eaters belonged to me, I'd haul you off to Planned Parenthood and figure out away to work you into their late term abortion program."

Best of mega
    Don't cry, little one. Learn to twerk, and then when you're 13 you can get a black boyfriend and have a baby and quit school, and we'll put you on a nice EBD card for life, and though you'll always be the embodiment of White Privilege, your child will be half-way toward worthiness.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Isn't it amazing, Cornelia?" Emily paused from her perusal of the strange being and turned to her friend. "It's almost like it's trying to communicate with us." Emily sniffed in disdain and turned to leave, "If it tries to prevent us from having our cakes, I shall have Father shoot it and stuff it. Not that it needs anymore stuffing." The girls' laughter echoed throughout the woods.



Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Little Kim Tours His Gigantic Aquarium

Brender 



1. "Ravender walls? What faggot picked ravender for the the walls? Tear it down, start over!"

2. Jackie Chan leads an All-Star cast in Fantastic Voyage II: Inside Sandy Fluke's Yeast Infection. 

3. "Check it out; Dennis Rodman's trying to mate with a octopus."

4. "At last, I will have the freshest sushi in the Orient. Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."

5. Knowing that the dictator of North Korea has a walk-in aquarium makes M'Chel Obama's extravagances slightly less impressive; but only slightly."


Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Where Easter Bunny? Obama got Easter Bunny..."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    Taking the tunnel under the DMZ, Kim gets ready to put on a dress & become - Kim.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    One tuning fork away from a united Korea

Best of curly
    “John Kerry’s ass is…is..simply MAGNIFICENT!”

Best of Best of
The fart amplifier is ready for your divine wind, o great one!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Where robot? Obama got robot..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    You have to give them credit, Venerable Portliness, this is a damned purty escape tunnel.

Best of Submariner
Dear Reader: "So this what gerbir feer rike in habit-trair up my anus? He rucky, rucky rodent!"

 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Harvey and SCOAMF

Free For All


Best of Dr. Doom
    Now all we need is a Cheshire Cat and this Alice in Wonderland Presidency will be complete...

Best of Dactyl
    It seemed like a real honor to sing the anthem at the White House. Unfortunately young Timmy is scared of both rabbits and clowns, and being up there with one of each proved to be too much.

Best of Best of
    That's eyeshadow only a hooker could love--and the rabbit's shade too.

Best of curly
    Silly rabbit! Twits are for pigs!

Best of dadoctah
    Worst. YMCA dance. Ever.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Biden picked the perfect Easter Sunday go to meeting outfit, didn't he?

Best of Submariner
    m'Chel's thawt bubble; "They's fried rabbit, an' baked rabbit, an' rabbit gumbo, an' rabbit stew, an' braised rabbit wit turnips, an' rabbit-n-noodles, an' rabbit-n-rice, an'..."

Codename: Cottontail

Brender


1. "No, Larry I said we were 'Fudd-Packers.' As in, we're packing guns and we're going after Elmer Fudd. What the hell did you think I said?"

2. Security was heavy at this year's Plushy Convention.

3. "Oh, yes. You *will* participate in the yiffing."

4. Japan misunderstands yet another holiday.

5. "... they call it a 'Royale with cheese.'"

Best of Aaron Rodger's Number 4
    Next year, in Jerusalem!

Best of Dr. Doom
    The EB Tactical Unit preparing to deliver eggs in Detroit...

Best of fo steB
    Blackwatership Down

Best of Dactyl
    This is why you should never make that left turn at Albequerque.

Best of curly
    No guys! I said the BLM standoff was at the Bundy Ranch, not the Bunny Ranch!

Best of dadoctah
    Wait. Hef's got a kill squad?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Mexican drug lords show off some of the weapons they tricked Elmer Fudd, errrr, I mean Eric Holder into giving them.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Coo Coo Ca Choo


Best of Dr. Doom
"I don't care what the sign said Maude," complained Steve, "I didn't hide any eggs there now let me up..."

Best of dadoctah
    Motorboat my ass. I'm talking full-on garbage barge here.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Q: What do you say when an 800-lb gorilla wants to use you as a sybian?
    A: You don't say anything... if you exhale, you'll run out of oxygen faster.

Best of Anonyme
    Public Displays of Asphyxiation

Best of Artfldgr
    I like you, you dont pop when i get on top like the blow up guy i had last week...

Best of Dr. Doom
    Just be thankful it is not a topless beach...

Best of USMC2841
    I hate it when blonde supermodels photobomb my Chubby Fantasies.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I SAID, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?" Mabel would do anything to help her daughter reach her sales goal.

Best of dadoctah
    Introducing the only person ever to make a sarlacc throw up: Jabba the Slutt.

Best of Dactyl
    Our records show that you still haven't paid your Obamacare premium.

Best of Submariner
    Tragedy nearly always ensues when a tourist gets between a walrus cow and its calf...

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

White Trash


1. "You're trash, girl. Nothing but trash!" Lisa's father's words echoed in her mind as she pondered her ironic predicament.

2. Finding a good spot to sunbathe in New Jersey can be a challenge.

3.  Oscar the Grouch paid well for whores who indulged his peculiar fetish.

4. Trash pick-up day at the Clinton Memorial Library.

5. The first human-dog cloning ran into some... challenges.

Best of Submariner
    Failure as a Clinton intern carries consequences...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Striking trash haulers returned to work once Grace and some other neighborhood women agreed to a deal.

Best of Best of
    I haven't been this turned on since seeing the chick in that Saw movie get tossed into the pit of used hypodermic needles.

Best of Dactyl
You have to bat the bitch on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, or she'll just keep getting in the trash.

Best of dadoctah
    Lindsey, Lindsey, Lindsey....

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Master Race Baiters

Brender



1. "Why ain't all the White People dead yet?"

2. "Triple whip out on three!"

3."Anal Easter Egg Hunt? Dudes, I am SO in."

Best of Best of
    Hey, where the white women at?

Best of Dactyl
Moments later, the sun struck Barry's left ear in full, creating a concentrated ray of light that bounced off Spike's glasses and Al's gold tooth to reveal the true location of the Ark of the Covenant.

Best of dadoctah
I don't know how you can call it a reunion concert when not one member of the original band shows up.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Al please don't stand so close to me," instructed the President, "I hear the outfit is not too happy with you..."

Best of Submariner
You bring up Tawanna and I'll bring up you being on the down-low during Benghazi. Do we understand each other?

Have Your Eye Bleach Ready


1. Shallow Hal checks out Madonna.

2. By 2017, Miley Cyrus's hard living had caught up to her in a big way.

3. Not everyone can afford Eliot Spitzer's level of hooker.

Threadwinner: Dr. Doom
    What 'pride event' is Rep. Frank off to this week?

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    Example of a rhetorical question: "Hey lady, headed to Walmart?"

Best of  andthenblammo!
    George Soros has a special outfit for when he just wants to mingle with the common herd, unnoticed.

Best of  Dactyl
    I wish I had never read Dub's dream diary.

Best of  Artfldgr
    Before feminism, such liberated forms of dress would not have been possible.

Best of  Dr. Doom
    Number 507 on the list of ways that nature says, "STAY AWAY"...

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
    Senator Barbara Mikulski on casual Fridays.

Best of  dadoctah
    "...and *that*, kids, after nine long years, is how I met your mother."

Best of  Robert
    Yes, I am going to the NOW convention. Would you like to walk with me?

Best of  Submariner
    "...and THIS is the first of your virgins, Mr. Arrafat..."

Best of  metalgarth
    Well, we can be 100% sure that the missing $6 Billion from the state department didn't go to her wardrobe fund.

Best of  Submariner
    If Michael Moore spawned with Miley Cyrus...

Yeah, Bitches


Monday, April 14, 2014

My Precious-s-s-s-s-s






1. Cankles responds to a sudden, horrible flashback of the time she felt the loving touch of a man.

2. "I'm melting! What a world! What a world!"

3. "And then I crush the testicles between my palms, like so..."

4. "Um, your Marty Feldman isn't too badd, Mrs. Clinton; but you're auditioning for the role of Frau Blucher."

5. Shallow Hal was a little surprised to see absolutely no difference in Hillary before and after the spell.

Best of Best of
    "No, it's pronounced, 'Eye-gore.'"

Best of Submariner
    Thought bubble; "What difference does it make? I'll tell you what difference it makes: If I just take enough big, left-wing-leaning, government-handout-taking, low-information-filled, Democrat-voting cities by a 75-25 margin, all those fly-over, throw-away states don't mean anything in the electoral college and I'll be President for AT LEAST 8 years..."

Best of Best of
    Begun the crone war has

Best of Dr. Doom
    "...so then I told Huma just grab them like this and twist HARD," related Mrs. Clinton, "Then maybe he will learn to keep it in his pants... It certainly worked for me."

Best of Best of
   Inspiring boomers everywhere, Snidely Whiplash continues working well into his twilight years despite the osteoporosis affliction.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Hillary's reaction to the CNN reporter's question about having to debate Joe Biden in the upcoming Democrat Primaries...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Having caught the podium rat in her gnarled hands Hillary wastes no time scarfing it down raw.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Obama Saves the World from the Sight of M'Chel's Mudflaps



Best of Dactyl
    Just making sure my dimebag is where I left it. We're gonna need it when we get to Soros's place.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Talk about a stuffed butt whole!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    First time for everything, eh Barry???

Best of curly
    "Chubacka, your balls are showing. Did you forget to tape them up again?"

Best of Dactyl
    Looks like Barry's thinking about the Danish Prime Minister again.

Best of Dactyl
    Sadly, Barry came up empty in the anal egg hunt.

Junk in the Trunk


1. The last thing Tanya remembered was Hillary handing her a glass of water with a funny chemical taste, then, the room got swirly.

2. Once she realized the trunk was actually larger than her Manhattan apartment, it was just a matter of Feng Shui. 
 
3. The new, edgier Chevy Volt ads did nothing to increase the vehicle's appeal to consumers, but did well in the deranged-Transsexual-woman-suit-owners demo.

4. It's never to early to begin practicing for the Easter Egg hunt.

5.  "Hop in the back, miss. We can take you as far as Hooker Valley."

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
   Can someone please explain this Summer's Eve commercial?

Best of  Whacko
    All in all it wasn't that bad a date for Francine, most guys left her hanging on the tree.

Best of dadoctah
    Lindsay Lohan stars in the Danica Patrick Story.

Best of Dr. Doom
   The new DHS training video was very successful at getting Border Patrol Agents to check trunks at the border crossings...

Best of Submariner
    PSA: Make sure you can give them a forever home before you bring home that "perfect woman" at closing time. And if she turns out to be a bit less than your beer goggles imagined, please turn her in at the Humane Society rather than letting her loose on a country road
    Thank you.

It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin

Headline: Overflow crowd shows support for East Texas transgender teacher.

I defy you to get Stevie Wonder's "Isn't She Lovely" out of your head.


Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Getting Microcellular


1. "Yes, I see it. The last tiny remnant of American Capitalism. Hand me the Lysol."

2. "Yes, Mr. President, there are millions of parasites in this sample. We'll get them registered as Democrats right away."

3. "Nope, I still can't detect any signs of morality or basic human decency in your blood sample; I'll increase magnification to 5000."

4. "Mein Fuhrer, if we break up the R-phase protein between gene links 12 and 143 this bacteria could wipe out the white race in a matter of weeks!"

5. "Sorry, Mr. President. This 'Primo Blow' Mr. Love procured for you is just laundry detergent." 

Best of Double the U
    Ahhh yes! The economic growth and positive job numbers... I see them now.

Best of Best of
    Nope, not a shred of human decency.

Best of Whacko
    "Hey, can you take a selfie with that thing?"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "What?? It's a microdot of my transcripts???"

Best of Submariner
    "...absolutely, positively a piece of Dawn's exploded cranium. What did you do just before it landed in your lap, Mr. President?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Hmm lets see... stuffed butt... factor in nights at Man Country... multiply by 'negotiation sessions' with Putin... carry the seven... got it," calculated Dr. Lee, "By the end of your term, you will need a butt closure the size of a manhole cover, Mr. President..."

Best of jimmy
    At least Kim Jung-Un actually holds things or flips switches in his staged photo ops, and of course Vlad Putin hops on a horse and takes off his shirt. This one can't even be bothered to feign interest beyond a vacant stare.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Mr. President! My eyes are over here!

Best of Submariner
    "...No...Not there either...Huh-uh. Sorry Mr. Obama but the results are absolutely conclusive: the only "real black" in you has been your Man Country partners..."

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Oh, This Reminds Me, I'm Now Using Pale Moon as my Browser.

Brender


1. ORA: "I like your choices, Kate. You made some very big decisions."

2. "When I said I was craving a Samoa, I meant a Girl Scout cookie. But this is also nice."

3. (Tattooed Dude) "Bitch, please. I'm not going to take fashion tips from a chick wearing an organ grinder monkey hat."

4. "Ah, I see Prince Edward has hired a new groomsman. How Lovely."

5.  "Oh, good, the plumber's here. Smashing."

Best of Whacko
"I see, you need a weight belt to support your, ah, equipment. Yes indeed, Now just when do you get all oiled up for your wrestling match?"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    ORA: "Yes, YES, YEEESSSS!!!!"

Best of Artfldgr
    No, of course us royals are not as uptight as the subjects, after all, look whats named after my cousin prince consort Albert...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well this will never do," complained Kate, "When they told me I would be getting to meet the New Zealand All Blacks, naturally I assumed..."

Best of curly
    Him: “…and in the exact middle of my butt cheeks is a non-tattooed image of Prince Charles.”
    Her: “Bravo!”

Monday, April 07, 2014

Charlie Rangel's Laxative Kicks In



1. "Ooooh, I hates that rabbit!"

2.  "Get me John McCain on the phone and ask him how he copes with these situations." "I believe he just wipes off and changes his pants, sir."

3. "Myconstituents want jobs!... No, gotta say it without cracking up... think of Hillary naked on a trampoline... yeah, that helps... not enough, but it helps."

4. "Hillary lost six billion dollars at the State Department? Dammit, where's my cut?"

5. "Damn caterpillars chewing on my eyeballs again."

Best of Best of
Charlie reacts to an employee evaluation critical of his insufficient lapel flair for Chotchkie's D.C. offices.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Last time I saw that look, a monkey was about to throw feces through the bars of his cage.

Best of Best of
    Lucy pulled the football from him one too many times, creating a bitter Chuck who forever cringes at its recollection and seeks redress from his landladies.

Best of Artfldgr
    what you talking about Willis?

Best of GregMan
    "Man, that stuffed butt I had for lunch sure tasted good!"

Best of Artfldgr
    Wanting to be hip, the representative had to try sour patch kids...

Best of curly
    Charlie couldn’t remember which obscure homosexual demographic he was pandering to today, the Spitters or the Swallowers.

Best of Submariner
    How long ago did Charlie die on the job, and why hasn't anyone noticed before this?

Best of Submariner
    Be patient, monors; Charlie hasn't figured out all the angles yet. Being an honorary "Best Of's" judge has serious implications for a career politician...

Friday, April 04, 2014

The Pope and the Poop

Russ in Oregon 


1. "... And then I called their budget a 'Stinkburger,' brought the house down."

2. "And when you told them that Capitalism was evil and socialism rocked, I said to myself, 'Other Barry, this Pope is my kind of bro.'"

3. "Harry Reid wanted to know if you could pass him the number of any Altar Boys who can keep their purty little mouths shut."

4. Should I tell him there's a gigantic piece of Arugula in his teeth?' the Pope wondered. "No, I will not tell him there's a gigantic piece of arugula in his teeth."

5. "You know, um, I would, um, make a better Pope than you."

Threadwinner: kg
    One guy thinks he's chosen by God, Infallible and Holy; the other guy is the Pope.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Barry!!! I haven't seen you since my last visit to Man Country!"

Best of GregMan
    Pope Thawt Bubble: "Amazing, they really voted for this idiot!"

Best of Dr. Doom
 "Yes Your Holiness, I just adore stuffed butt," replied the President. "Oh by the way what are we having for dinner?"

Best of Dactyl
    Obama thought bubble: "why does this waiter have a condom on his head?"

Best of jimmy    
"Hey, Francis...how can I get that whole 'Papal Infallibility' thing going on for myself?"
    "Sir, I watch the US news networks here in Italy. I assumed you already did."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Mercy, what big white teeth you have!

Best of Steve O
    "What are we going to do today, Brain?" "The same thing we do every day, Pinky..."
 

Second Rate? I'll Show You Second Rate!


Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Signing Laws, Italian Style


1. And the distinuguished senator from Hooker Valley adds her signature to the legislation.

2. When signing Michelle Obama's mandatory flossing bill, some chose to dress for the occasion.

3. After Kim Kardashian's name suddenly appeared on the Declaration of Independence; all further Time Travel Experiments were forbidden.