Monday, June 30, 2014

New Text Speak: LOUTSLMAO (Leaning on Union Thug's Shoulder Launghing My Ass Off)



1. "And then he asked me 'How's Hillary's head?' and I said, 'Not nearly as good as Michelle's' You shoulda seen the look on the poor dumb bastard's face. Priceless."

2. The annual meeting of "Clinton Gropes Interns" was a raucous affair.

3. "And then she said, 'We were dead broke when we left the White House...'"

4. "But seriously, Mr. President, what do you think of Jeb Bush's chances in 2016?"

5.  Replacing Obama's teleprompter speech with the complete script of "Duck Amuck" yielded hilarious results.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Kinda How I Feel Lately

Schneider



1. Later Terminator models lacked the Panache of the T-800.

2. Standard Caption #16: "Oh, boy."

3.  "By the power of gray skull!"

4. "I am Zardoz!"

5. And on top of it all, he's wearing flip-flops.

Best of USMC2841
    Well, This answers CCR's question about who'll stop the rain.

Best of Dr. Doom
    When the Mayor of Hooker Valley loses a bet to the Mayor of He!!...

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Ang Lee's remake of Friday the 13th was, in many ways, more scary than the original.

Best of Artfldgr
    Worst Selfie Ever!!

Best of Best of
    The local sheriffs department floats a can't-miss demo reel to the producers of Cops

Best of fo steB
    This PBS vision-quest has been brought to you by the letters L, S, and D

Best of Mr Hankey
    The wizard played a cruel joke on Harry when he spoke the word SHAZAM.

Best of metalgarth
    "If it is not fashionable to wear nothing but a Speedo and flip flops, may Zeus strike me down"

Best of GregMan
Todd didn't know it yet, but he was about to get the greatest erection of his now much-shortened life.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Disgruntled WMZX weathercaster Phil Filkinburger's resignation broadcast was often played at company parties.

   
Best of dadoctah
    The Weather Channel: ratings sweeps edition.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Dance of a Thousand FAILs



1. "Hey! Macarena!"

2. The only American Sign Language the First Lady knew was "Bite me, crackers," but it was all she needed.

3. "And this is the happy dance I do when I find out I got another taxpayer-funded vacay."

Best of  Submariner
m'Chel proves she's up with current culture by "Voguing" for the press.

Best of  Mr Hankey
Secret Service has quickly learned to follow-through on the First Lady's desire to cross her arms and "blink" in order to remove certain individuals from existence.

Best of  Uchuck the Tuchuck
So...the Choom Gang has its own gang signs. Who knew?

Best of  Dr. Doom
The First Lady uses the medium of interpretive dance to give the press a hint about the location of her next vacation...

Best of  Best of  
That year went by fast. It's time for the Mr. Olympia competition again?

Best of  metalgarth
The Wookie Mating dance does nothing for humans but Chewbacca might be sportin' a lightsabre sized woodie about now.

Best of  curly
Facts on. Facts off.

Best of  Kaptain Krude
Ang Lee's remake of Kazaam! didn't really improve on the original in any way. (And that is a very difficult feat!)

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Even Larry King Has Turned on Hillary

Southside Scott

''Best of  Mr Hankey
Larry finally gets the reason he got divorced so many times.

Best of  Submariner
Larry is embarrassed by a typo in his discussion of the relative importance of you parent's brothers and sisters.

Best of  Dr. Doom
Hilarity ensued when Larry king accidentally stumbled into Dr. Ruth's radio studio...

Best of  Submariner
Next on Dr. Oz, stay tuned...

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Looks like Squiggy has maintained his peak physical condition since Laverne & Shirley.

Best of  Carpe Phlogiston
Larry's first "at bat" as a baseball sportscaster goes horribly wrong when the 5-second censor didn't catch the typo.

Hold Me Closer, Lurch



1. "That lymph node feels pretty swollen. I'd get it checked out."

2. "You make me wet. I mean that."

3. Out of his mind on cocaine and cough syrup, Leo thought he was about to get busy with Dame Judy Dench.

4. ORA: "You really nailed that rendition of 'Puttin' on the Ritz' Mr. Secretary."

5. "No, I didn't say M'Chel was into beards, I said M'Chel was a 'beard.'"

Best of Best of
Shudder Island

Best of Mr Hankey
"King of the World" meets "Henpecked gold-digger of the Ketchup Queen"

Best of Submariner
Let me guess: You had a Cancoillotte washed down by a 1945 Mouton Rothschild for lunch. Right?

Best of jimmy
Leo was intoxicated by Kerry's new cologne, "Calvin Klein's Incompetence".

Best of Markus ARyanas
Kiss me you fool!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Well, this is embarrassing. Their nose hairs seem to have become entangled. Quick, someone get the Jaws of Life and cut to commercial!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I can't quit you!"
"Aren't we supposed to be wearing cowboy hats and eating pudding?"



Monday, June 23, 2014

Guess Who's Coming to Brunch



1. "You white people and your stupid problems are so tedious. 'I don't have a job.' 'I can't pay my electric bill.' 'My daughter was molested by an illegal immigrant.' Bitch, bitch, bitch... that's all I get from you people."

2. Kid: "Hey, didn't we used to have a dog?"

3. ORA: As Mr. Patterson tried desperately to explain real-world economics to the aloof, indifferent president, Mrs. Patterson's thoughts kept wandering back to that frozen leg of lamb in the freezer.

4. SCOAMF Thoughtbubble: "Soylent green is damn well going to be made of white people."

5. "Why do I even give a shit about these people," thought the SCOAMF to himself. "Oh, wait... I don't."

Best of Submariner
All we need now is Lassie on a platter and Mike al'Moore's reimagining of Rockwell's Thanksgiving cover of Time will be complete.

Best of curly
I’m sorry Mr. President, but Johnny here is too young to start dating.

Best of dadoctah
You realize if Romney had got in, there'd be *two* missionaries in every dining room, and *two* bicycles parked in every driveway.

Best of Artfldgr
Got any waffles?

Best of jimmy
"My sources tell me you refused to sign up for welfare, food stamps, free lunch program for the kids...how could you be so racist?"

Best of jimmy
ORA: Obama's latest "listening tour" hit a snag when the couple kept referring to him as "Benson," and wanted to hear about his time working at the Governor's mansion.

Best of Mr Hankey
...and during the finale scenes of "Organizing The Community with Barack", our host shows little contempt for Kyle's incessant demands for keeping the old health plan.

Best of GregMan
"So how many illegal immigrant children can we put in your home, cracker?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"No seriously - I'm hungry," grumbled the President, "Why don't you give Aspacher catering a call? Michele says their home delivery is wonderful - especially the big sausage pizza..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hm that's fascinating say have I told you how I got Bin Laden and it was all thanks to Joe Biden?" Obama starts campaigning early for 2016.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"What? Putin has grabbed another former state of Russia? Strange how no one has told me by the way have you seen the latest episode of Game Of Thrones?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Barack was strangely quiet in the Middleton's household. It was only later that Bill figured out that no one in his family was wearing a teleprompter the entire time Barack was there.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

A Late Thursday Delivery

By Thursday Night, I had put in a 70 hour work week, and I am now just recovering.





Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Ho Filth Lorry


1. Somehow, I think Hillary likes her bitches less femme.

2. Some items you see people wearing in public makes you automatically subtract 40 IQ points, like Dre headphones, or this T-shirt.

3. Joe traced his cankle fetish to abusive childhood where he was often beaten about head with a raw pork shoulder.

4. That T-shirt would look even better on the floor of someone's bedroom... covered with vomit and feces.

5. How nature says "Potential Meth Connection."

Best of Dr. Doom
Flip side: Bob's Botox Barn - There is nothing we can't fix..

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Word of advice, son: change that first letter to an "N" and you'll sell out in an hour.

Best of Double the U
This is so exciting! I stood, and well slept in line for three weeks so I could be the first person in line.. and, well, I was the only person in line... but ummm well it was still worth it because they knocked it down 40% right after I purchased it so it was like getting a tax refund from President Hillary... 'cause she cares so much about people like us.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Testing the new "chick magnet" t-shirt: FAIL

Best of Markus ARyanas
Photo taken 25 years ago showing proof that Bill Murray has ALWAYS had a thAng for Hillary!

Best of Rodney Dill
Wapner in ten minutes... definitely.

Best of kg
and the only other people who have this shirt are Janet Reno, Donna Shalala, and Huma.

Best of Submariner
What to wear when shopping for dildos.

Best of curly
It’s what to wear when your “I’m a stupid a$$hole” shirt is dirty.

Best of Mr Hankey
Hanging a shirt over your crotch to hide the wet-spot is always a choice idea.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Couch Talk


1. 'The View' rolled out its not line-up this week.

2. "What do you, um, mean that's 'everything on the list?' Surely there has got to be something left I haven't totally frakked up."

3. "And that's why, um.... all of you only earn... um... 72% of what male White House Staff in your same jobs get."

4. "This is too long and wordy. Don't we have, like, a graphic novel version of the Komunist Manfiesto?"

5. "I had no idea the printouts of Lois Lerner's emails would be so... filthy."

Best of Dr. Doom
"So to recap - you think if we rotated the Hubble Space Telescope on its axis and pointed it at earth there would be a 37% chance of it being powerful enough to actually see my credibility," recited the President...

Best of curly
“My girl bag contains Chanel perferction lumiere foundation, MAC studio finish concealer nw45, LA girl pro concealer in cappuccino, NARS ‘mata hari’ blush, MAC ‘fever’ blush, Covergirl Queen collection bronzer in ‘ebony bronze’, estee lauder powder, and of course iman oil blotting pressed powder…”

Best of GregMan
"It's just so great with only us four girls here!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thanks girls, this 2-page double-spaced large font step-by-step guide for finding his ass with both hands tied behind his back should help Biden a lot!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Bill Clinton told me that if I ever got women in here the couch would fold out. But I can't figure out why I would want to do that."

Best of Mr Hankey
...and then I right after I sing "You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother.." , you come in with "Shut your mouth" while you two white bitches just shake your asses to the music! We got this White House Talent Show in the bag!!!

Best of Jay Guevara
"Nah, ladies, that's just a myth. Sorta like our having natural athletic ability, and you've seen me try to golf or shoot baskets."

Friday, June 13, 2014

Copping a Feel

Brender


1. "Are pat downs supposed to take 45 minutes each, Officer Bruce?"

2. "Firm... nice... do you work out?"

3. "What are these things in the sack under your penis that feel like large kidney beans?" Fresh out of the Capitol Police, Officer Bruce had never frisked anybody but Republican congressmen his entire career.

4. Then Jason sneezed and was promptly beaten and tasered for "resisting arrest." The SWAT Team arrived 20 minutes later.

5. "Loitering with intent to use a crosswalk? Is that an actual charge?"

Best of dadoctah
"Just hold your horses, Skippy. First you pass the screening, *then* we do the YMCA dance."

Best of Dr. Doom
SFPD Officer: "This is a Public Health Inspection sir courtesy of the San Francisco City Council."
Bobby: "But we are in Manhattan Kansas..."

Best of Best of
School Resource Officers, thinking their new MRAP some kind of safe sex initiative, test fit condoms on every male student.

Best of curly
“We noticed that the applause given by you three boys at the end of Mr. Gore’s wonderful lecture on Climate Change was less than enthusiastic.”

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Uhh, you can let go now, Officer Bill.
In San Francisco, bike patrol cops are not only trained to deal with stubborn zippers, they're authorized to hold your Willy while you pee.

Best of Artfldgr
Hold still the ruler keeps slipping...

Best of Artfldgr
IF i take you home can you strike the same pose in a Hula skirt and nipple clamps?

Best of Rodney Dill
Blue Oyster material... Definitely.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Officer Frank was interested, then very interested, then very very interested, and then he lost interest.

Best of GregMan
"You have the right to moan softly..."

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Madame Hillarie de la Pantsuit



1. "And after Bill and I left the White House... we were so poor we had to depend on donor-provided limos to transport us to the Gulftream."

2. "Nope, the hips still won't fix. We'll have to grease up the doorholes.

3. "Thank you, Jeeves. Now, dispose of the young girl's exsanguinated corpse in the back seat."

4. "Leave the gun, take the Vibratron 5000."

5. A photo from Barney Frank's truly insufferable "The Devil Wears Prada" cross-dressing era.

Best of GregMan
"Are the Benghazi witnesses in the trunk? And the shovels? Well, then, off to the forest we go, Jeeves!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Hurry up!! Ray Bradbury is waiting!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh Vince Foster, you're such a cut-up! I don't know what I would do without you, Vince Foster! Now you be good, Vince Foster, and I'll see you tomorrow, Vince Foster! And don't forget, Vince Foster, to stay away from state parks, because they charge way too much money for admission! All right, Vince Foster, have a good night!"
New video tape evidence shows that Hillary was only looking out for other people, and was absolutely devastated at the sudden and unexpected death of Vince Foster.

Best of Best of
Who knew Elton John still travels under the name Reg White?

Best of jimmy
Still functioning in a strange parallel world in her mind, Hillary makes the rounds of garage sales in Chappaqua, trying to negotiate down the asking prices on her neighbors' cracked dishes while the limo idles nearby and the driver keeps champagne on ice.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Man, Elvis has really let himself go, hasn't he?

Best of Kaptain Krude
Bumper sticker on the back of the car: No Fat Chicks

Best of Steve O
No. No capes!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Look out! A sniper!"
"Very funny, Jeeves! You know we aren't anywhere near Bosnia!"

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yes, Mrs. Clinton, we're absolutely sure that this is the closest liquor store."

Buh Bye Eric Cantor

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Taking the Eazy Way Out

Because I'm really busy and not feeling funny.

Monday, June 09, 2014

Cheers



1. "Should we wait for the American President to join us with his virgin Appletini?" "Nyet, comrade."

2. "I like drinking out of tiny glasses. I feel like a giant. Aiieeeeee! Gojira!"

3. "From what I understand, comrade, the American president will eat pretty much any worm."

4. "Check out, I told the America president I'd dump all our Treasury bonds unless he strutted and clucked like a chicken for the rest of the night. Outstanding!"

5. "Is agreed then, comrade. We continue drinking until we pass out of alcohol poisoning or think Mrs. Obama looks hot."

Best of dadoctah
Meh. These parties were much more fun back when Yeltsin was in. Dancing, singing, even the occasional impromptu ventriloquist act. Get Vlad a little blotto and all he does is strut around with his shirt off.

Best of  Best of  
They're amazed the Supplicant-in-chief could be so gullible to think they honor him with "the majestic kazoo of state."

Best of  GregMan
"Da, we drink to successful destruction of Amerikkka. Well done Comrade Obama!"

Best of  GregMan
"Aspacher catering has the best vodka, da comrade?"

Best of  curly
“A toast to the useful idiots that ushered in the era of Obama and the collapse of the dollar!”

Best of  Jay Guevara
Only Russians dared played the drinking game on how many times Obama says "I," "me," or "my."

Best of  Jay Guevara
Putin: "Wait, he called himself 'the bear?' Seriously?"

Friday, June 06, 2014

Running Away from Responsibility



1. Fortunately for the young boys, Harry Reid couldn't run very fast with his pants around his ankles.

2. "I know I can win, Mr. President. I saw your workout video. Five reps with five pound weights? You're a f--king pussy."

3. "Really, Mr. President? You were the inspiration for the 'Tumble Bumble Game?'"

4. PMS time was dangerous at the White House. M'Chel had already brained two of the slower children with her eatin' shovel.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
have to say it
"Run Forrest Run!"

Best of curly
“President Obama traded Michigan’s Upper Peninsula to the Canadians for a new swing set in the Rose Garden? Cool!!!”

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Um, if, uh, if uh, I had had, um, uh, if I had had a, um, son, he would have looked, um, nothing like you crackers!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"...and this is how I won the Triple Crown!"

Best Best of
Pamplonan children have their own tradition, Running with the B.S.

Best of Dr. Doom
Drudge Breaking: In political news today, Mr. Putin assigned a new ambassador, Ivanovich Soritskin, to provide the appropriate level of dignity and decorum to his negotiations with the Obama Administration. Mr. Soritskin immediately 'double dog dared' the President to a footrace. Amerikkka will have to return Alaska by the end of the year...

Best of jimmy
"Ha, ha! Sucks to be you, doesn't it?" ---Little Timothy Geitner taunts his former boss while on a field trip from school

Best of metalgarth
C'mon kids they're serving hot dogs in the White House cafeteria! (except one person in the picture is going to be really disappointed)

Best of Jay Guevara
"It's the Tea Party! RUN!!"

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer



1. Carney thoughtbubble. "Deodorant is apparently haram." 

2. "Not as bad as the goodbye hug from the Safe Schools Czar," Carney thought. "At least SCOAMF has pants on."

3. Chris Matthews thoughtbubble, "Get away from my boyfriend you chalk-faced whore." 

4. "Gee, after four years of nonstop explaining away your corruption and incompetence, it sure will be refreshing to be back in the mainstream media again."

5. "Good Gaia, you're baked again, aren't you?"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Bat Cave, 10 minutes!'

Best of Submariner
You complete me...

Best of jimmy
Obama: "So, will you be returning to print journalism?"
Carney: "Probably. I mean, the job will be virtually identical to the one I'm leaving."

Best of David
"Mr. President, please. Don't take my last molecule of self-respect."

Best of curly
Is that a copy of Saul Alinsky’s "Rules for Radicals" in your front pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Don't worry Mr President, I have a lead on a job as a sex toy tester."

Best of Dr. Doom
Jay: "Oh no sir I won't be needing any references..."
Barry: "Funny that is what all the Dems running for miderms are saying too..."

Best of metalgarth
Blah, blah, blah Smithers. Blah, blah, blah Carl. Blah blah blah anal in an adult and pleasurable context.

Best of Submariner
"Et tu, you brute`?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I, um, hate to, um, see, um, see, um, uh, see you, um, leave, uh, um, but, um, uh, I, um, I, um, I, uh um uh, I love to watch you, um, uh, go."

Monday, June 02, 2014

RIP Ann B Davis


1. It says, "Dear Kids, I have run away to Fire Island with Dick Sargent. Signed - Dad."

2. "Wow! Alice. It sure was groovy of your friend Ellen to send you a postcard from the Greek Island of Sapphos."

3. "So, Alice, when you talk about 'That Meat-packer,' are you referring to Sam the Butcher or our stepdad?"

4.  "So who is this 'Hillary' you roomed with in college, and why do you get dreamy eyes when you get a postcard from Arkansas?"

5. "Another postcard? Wow, your friend on the LPGA Tour really travels a lot."

Best from chronos the wonder pig
"Guess what girls - my cousin Alice B Toklas is coming to visit.....she has some new recipes to test!"

Best of Submariner
Looks like your mom and Greg are having a swinging good time on their vacation, girls. Wonder why we couldn't have all gone along?

Best of Dr. Doom
"Looks like Sam came through girls - every dot on this postcard is made out of LSD," exclaimed Alice, "looks like groovy times in the Brady home tonight..."

Best from jimmy
"Alice...who is 'Miss Jane Hathaway', and why is she posing for you in that old-fashioned bathing suit?"

Best of Submariner
I'm glad Daddy is having a good time at his business convention, Alice. Where is "Fire Island?"

Best of dadoctah
Jan: "What kind of architect has six kids sharing one bathroom?"
Marcia: "The kind who builds a variety-show main stage with a swimming pool in the middle."

Best from curly
It's from Hillary with advice about "Hard Choices"...She recommends cucumbers or dildos.

Scenes from a Republican Debate

Russ in Oregon or Schneider. I forget which one of you guys. 


1. "And the next debate question is for Nazi Santa Claus..."

2. After seeing her choices on 'The Dating Game,' Ellen went lesbo and never turned back.

3. Candidate "Biker Dude" raises an objection; "I was told there would be snacks."

4. For Idaho Republicans, it was a tough choice between Leather Biker Daddy, Grizzled Old Prospector, Mormon Bishop, and Young Angry Bob Dole.

5. "Enough with these consarn it dadgum questions," shouted the old prospector. "Let's start with the lovin' Dibs on Widow's Peak, he has a real purty mouth."

Best of Submariner
Sorry, Santa, but you should have peed during the commercial break like I told you.

Best of Rodney Dill
I'll take "Where's the Pudding" for 200 Alex.

Best of metalgarth
I was going to post "In alternate reality: X23479B, all of these guys are better qualified than our current president" but I'm willing to bet $20.00 it's also true in our reality.

Best of Rodney Dill
The years have not been kind to Horshack.

Best of jimmy
"Can I be excused? Old Time Country Buffet's early bird rate ends in thirty minutes."

Best of dadoctah
Seen here, Peter Tork adamantly rejects the prospective Davy Jones replacement at far right.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I didn't get a harumph out of that guy," complained the Governor...

Tumble Bumble