Friday, August 29, 2014

Unlike Obama, Code Pink has an actual strategy for dealing with Islamic terror.


1. "It's dirt, baby, because that's all you're worth."

2. "OMG! This is slightly worse than my normal dandruff."

3. "Mmmm! This cat litter is full of Tootsie Rolls."

Best of Best of
To avoid defects, follow all directions when reconstituting freeze-dried Wicked Witch of the West.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Ice Bucket Challenge - California style...

Best of curly
To keep her head from exploding, Dawn tried many home remedies.

Best of Submariner
Don't look now, but I think that "Shiela" is sporting serious wood...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"And THIS is for daring to wear pink before Labor Day!!"
Those Code Pink types could be absolutely brutal sometimes.

Best of dadoctah
Usually, thought Shirley, it's the cat that tries to bury me when I come home from India Palace.

Best of Mr Hankey
"A sprinkle a day" my ass. Julie needs a full dump.

Best of mega
Many expected the slut shaming to stop under Obama, at least right outside the White House.

Best of mega
"For $100, This will make you black and gay." Thousands had already been scammed at colleges across the country."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Worst. Wet T-shirt contest. Ever.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Yes, those are Fleshjacks


1. "Look at all these giant flashlights I found in Dad's toolshed!"

2. It's a hard-knock life being one of Sandy Fluke's interns.

3. Andy Dick's personal assistant unloads the dishwasher. Unfortunately, he forgot to put on the industrial leather gloves and two weeks later his hands rotted off.

5. "Hey, Father Flannagan, look what I found! I guess that's why they call it a rectory."

6. "Should I be bothered by the fact that all of my friends got me the exact same birthday present and it was *this*?"

Best of dadoctah
    A 21st-century nod to the days when every supervillain had his "themed" arsenal of trick weapons (remember the Penguin's collection of umbrellas?)

Best of kg
    I didn't know that Pajama Boy had a brother.

Best of jimmy
    ORA: I will love him and hug him, and squeeze him and pet him, and I will name him George!

Best of The Expendable
    Since most Democrat voters already had multiple Obama phones, campaign workers had to find other "incentives" to buy their votes... err... encourage their loyalty.

Best of Best of
    Herschel's homemade menorahs are a hit in Hell's Kitchen

Best of Best of
    Fresh from searching every San Fran glory-hole for the famed golden ticket, Charlie beams with pride at winning a tour of Wee Willie Wonka's pencil-dick emporium.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Five white ones for your interns and the premium gold model for you. Should I box them all together or will you be wearing yours home, Mrs. Clinton?

Best of Mr Hankey
    Of course they were free! I got them on a late-night shopping spree in Ferguson!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "I... I no longer want to be called PajamaBoy," he said rapturously. "From this moment on, they will call me.... Captain Fleshlight!"

    (Now he just needs to put the nipples on his suit, and he'll be just like Batman.)

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Rory's unique resume packet got him interviews for Supply Manager with 3 Antarctic research teams, China's submarine fleet and NASA's International Space Station.

Best of GregMan
    Todd is overjoyed that for once he has plans for Friday night.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Wonder SCOAMF Powers, Activate...


1. "Ah, golfing with my bilionaire buddies in a place 99.998% of Americans will never have access to. Viva La Revolucion, comrades!"

2. "I wonder what the poor people are doing today? Meh, f--k 'em!"

3. "Hey, you're right. This *is* a better means of exchanging long protein strands!"

4. "OK, Jeff, now you get down on all fours in between us and we make the Eiffel Tower."

5. "Nice butt. Er, putt. No, wait, butt."

Best of curly
 Showing wonderful dexterity and playfulness, our Dear Leader participates in an impromptu one-handed game of "London Bridge Is Falling Down".

Best of The Expendable
    "So... umm... do you want to... umm... come back to my place and work on your putz?"

Best of The Expendable
    Apparent, M'chelle is not the only one that he enjoys fisting...

Best of Dr. Doom
    Caddy: "Very good sir, another hole in twelve... so mark it as par then?"
    Mr. Obama: "No mark it down - just make sure Biden does the adding when we get to the 19th hole..."

Best of Mr Hankey
    Whatever happened to Dumb Donald, Mushmoith, and Weird Harold?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Obamalama's Bucket List #71
    ✓ Swapping cash for smack right under the nose of my Secret Service detail.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Danged if I can find it," complained the President, "Have General Smith pull the drone off Boehner and come find my ball..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Play that, um, uh, funky, um uh uh um, that funky music, um uh white boy."

Best of Mr Hankey
    Yeah, I got my clubs "shopping" in Ferguson too!!!

Best of Steve O
    And then I said, "Well, that depends on what the definition of 'ISIS' is!"



Friday, August 22, 2014

Why, Hello, Officer


1. "I'm at the Hyatt... Room 620... I've got poppers, nipple clamps... you name it."

2.  "I'm just gettin' some measurements 'cos I'm about to lay some pipe."

3. "Your head may shine, but your body is f-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ne."

4. "Are you from the ghetto cause I'm about to ghetto hold of that ass."

5. "You gonna write me a parking ticket, officer? Because you got fine written all over you."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Where da white women?"

Best of dadoctah
    Worst. Village People cover band. Ever.

Best of mega
"Don't go off the reservation, captain. They're ALL devils, and until we've killed every last one of them, our work is not done."

Best of Mr Hankey
Just give me 24 hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just 24 hours. That's all I ask.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    I love this scene in Tropic Thunder where the black-face actor tries bullshitting the bewildered black guy.

Best of The Expendable
    "... and I command the spirit of tolerance for the white man to flee your body! Spirit of unity between the races BE GONE! In the name of black Jebus, you are healed!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
    "Bat Cave, 10 minutes!"

Best of curly
    "There's a riot in my pants..."

Best of Best of
    "And we're slow dancing, swaying to the music
    Slow dancing, just me and my guy
    Slow dancing, swaying to the music
    No one else in the whole wide world
    In the whole wide world"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "I wish I could quit you."

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Cooterblast!


1. "On second thought, Number Two, cancel the friggin' sharks..."

2. Vladimir Putin now disposes of his enemy's Super-Villain style.

3. "Hill? Whatcha thinkin' about?" "Nothin' Bill, same as usual."

4. Mylie Cyrus's new stage show is really quite somethin'


 Threadwinner Adjustah
    "Perfect! Computer, save holodeck program Riker One!"

Best of USMC2841
In a sign the cold war may be heating up, the Obama administration has announced the development of the Star Whores Defense Initiative.

Best of mega
    Well, now we don't need to wonder what the hell Chelsea's doing to earn $75,000 an hour for those "speeches".

Best of Submariner
    Madonna was upset at the attention that "twerking" got so she "one-upped" it in her new show, right?

Best of Kaptain Krude
    This Ang Lee re-make of Logan's Run is deeply, deeply disturbing.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Pew pew pew!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    These new Summers Eve commercials are just plain creepy.

Best of The Expendable
    Congratulations to Mandy Queeferson, winner of the 2014 Skittles "Taste the Rainbow" Commercial Contest.

Best of The Expendable
    ♫♪ "... Blinded by the light,
    Revved up like a douche,
    Another squirter in my eyes..." ♪♫



5. The Cirque du Soleil Act that traumatized and forever changed the destiny of a young Andrew Sullivan.

Monday, August 18, 2014

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits...

... Putin on the Tits

... While Rome Burns


1. The Obamas watch televised coverage of the Ferguson riots.

2. "OMG! She's really doing it with a donkey! I love Tijuana!"

3. "Wow. Metalgarth's band is really quite good."

4. The Obama attend another Fundraiser. Sandra Fluke offers donors lap-dances for a $100 donation, and offers not to perform a lap dance for a $200 donation.

5. "Nothing like a good dog fight to lose the grip of the old ennui, eh, M'Chel?"

Best of Submariner
"The One" has a rather predictable response to the Hilldawg's clitorectomy...

Best of Dr. Doom
Late in his Presidency, Obama Death Panel meetings were televised using an awards show gala format...

Best of Dr. Doom
"Look Michelle, five more illeg... er... under-served future Democrat voters made it past the checkpoint" applauded the President, "This is much better than Fast and Furious..."

Best of jimmy
PrezBO: "I'm so glad we decided to re-institute the gladiator games. NOW I really feel like the emperor I was born to be. I say! Ann Coulter sure can swing an ax."

Best of USMC2841
The Obama's were thrilled to learn the Queen had regifted his speeches.

Best of GregMan
"Whooo-eee! Dat Michael Brown sure put da smack-down on dat Pakistani store owner!"

Best of metalgarth
"Wow. Metalgarth's band is really quite good." So let's find a way to download his CD for free! Paying for music is for suckers.

Best of mega
(from the TV set) "....and today ISIS burned down another three Christian villages..."

Best of mega
Once the Espheni harnesses started glowing, it became much easier to tell who was or wasn't human.

Best of curly
“Look M’chelle! There’s another white-owned business in Ferguson going up in flames!”

Friday, August 15, 2014

TIckle Me, Elmo

Schneider


1. Today's episode of Sesame Street is brought to you by the letters  T and A.

2. Today on Sesame Street, Elmo and Grover discover genital piercings

3. "In days of old a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows, anything goes!.."

4. "Never mind, Elmo, it's a pre-op."

5. "The smelly pirate hooker is a person in your neighborhood...."

Best of The Expendable
Interestingly, there are at least four people in this picture that have had a man's hand up their ass.

Best of dadoctah
...as Bronies everywhere pause to reconsider their choices....

Best of Best of
cookie monster need to clean between teeth, will use your butt floss

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
over the loudspeaker: People, please! The 2016 DNC Convention Site Selection process is about to begin. All members please take your seats. Will the white guy in the white shirt hitting on the Hooker's Union rep... yeah YOU... take a hike!"

Best of John Schneider
"Damn, she needs to shave that thing."

Best of dadoctah
Red and blue Wookiees have their own unique customs of observing Life Day.

Best of John Schneider
See? I told you it's not the same as the Folsom Street Fair!

Best of Armando
In a role reversal he didn't expect, Elmo felt the need to tickle somebody else.

Best of metalgarth
Look. It's the Nookie Monster!


Better Late Than Whatever


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sex on the Beach

"

1. "Bill, does this muu-muu make me look fat." Bill gritted his teeth. There were come lies not even he was capable of pulling off.

2. David Hasselhof, Pamela Anderson, and Adrian Zmed have really let themselves go.

3. Bill Clinton with two of his three dogs.

4. "What's that, Ghost of Buddy? I should strangle her with the leash? If I do it, will you stop haunting me?" 

5. Bill was faintly disturbed at how aroused he got at the sight of those fabulous mantits under the purple polo shirt.

Best of Best of
She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini; men there swore it's what turned them quite gay

Best of Submariner
Sand witch...

Best of USMC2841
Bill, "If things get freaky, I got dibs on the labrador."

Best of GregMan
ORA: "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Best of Mr Hankey
Try as she might, Hillary only owns clean blue dresses.

Best of Mr Hankey
Practically penniless Bill and Hillary set up a tent on the beach to collect sea shells to sell to lcoal tourists.

Best of mega
"Pretend you aren't scared of a supernatural evil you sense when you're in my wife's presence, or I will beat you with the end of this leash."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Irony: Bill Clinton trying to teach another creature self-control.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The rare Cankled Walrus, Clintonia disgustingus, immediately after molting its putrid green outer fat layer.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

What the Hell Is Ernie Doing There?


1. M'Chel huffed. "What's wrong with you people? Ain't you never seen a penis on a woman before?"

2. "They re-elected that SCOAMF?"

3. Andrew Sullivan's first attempt at lucid dreaming fails. "That's not what I wanted to see bulging!"

4. Hillary huffed. "What's wrong with you people. Ain't you never seen a woman eat a baby before?"

5. "Wait a minute... Black Democrat campaign workers are paid 30% less than White Democrat Campaign workers?"

Best of mega
    "The Obamacare premiums are going up HOW much next year?"

Best of mega
    (mic check) "And....this is a picture of a White Woman."

Best of Submariner
Explorer Ernie finds the President's Kenyan birth certificate right where his Grandmother said it was...

Best of Best of
    Peter Gabriel finds inspiration "in your eyes?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    The crowd reacts to seeing a taxpayer walk down the street in Detroit...

Best of Dr. Doom
The 'new look' Sesame Street produced by the NEA and directed by Ang Lee was not your grandma's educational TV. The guest spot with Rep. Frank and Ernie on inappropriate touching was especially memorable...

Best of USMC2841
    Willis finally explains what he was talkin' 'bout.

Monday, August 11, 2014

National Security


1. "Really? You'll throw in the undercoating for only $300! That's a great deal!"

2. The SCOAMF mind-melds with himself so he can ponder the infinite void.

3. Obama consults with his top policy advisor, Little Bunny Foo-Foo.

4. "So, you see, the contract is signed in your own blood and Satan *will* come to claim you."

5. "And here is a list of Hamas's latest demand; as you can see, they took most of your suggestions."

Best of USMC2841
    You lost me after "We the people of the United States".

Best of Best of
    Susan's on her knees? Those heady days of the nineties are back, baby!

Best of mega
"No, this is not the book 'Why Obama Is The Worst President Ever." It's an executive summary of the index to the table of contents."

Best of curly
Despite all of the coaching, Obama just can’t grasp how to give a proper Illuminati/Horis eye symbol.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Everyone agrees Biden's a loon. Just sign the commitment papers, Barack. He'll be well cared for... he's got that exclusive PLATINUM health insurance perk congress voice-voted for themselves.

Best of metalgarth
    You mean I could go to Ferguson, Missouri and get me some free rims?

Best of GregMan
    ORA: "Which one is Shinola again?"

Best of The Expendable
"Umm... I've never read anything like this before. All of the S's... umm... look like F's. 'Congrefs'? What the hell does that mean? It's nothing but... umm... giberish."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Would you stop yammering about the ISIS rebels for one minute woman," complained the President, "I am trying to decide where to go on my next vacation..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Here is the new, abbreviated version of the Constitution you asked for, Mr. President. Article I: you can whatever you want. Article II: wait, there is no Article II."

Best of Submariner
    For the thousandth time, Barry:
    No; there are only 50 states.

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

The Moss Man Cometh

Brender

1. Tommy Wiseau's latest oeuvre: "Oh, hi, Swamp Thing."

2. Coming up next on BBC 2, the Doctor must save the world from an invasion of baseball-cap weaing Vegi-men.

3. Latest trend in hipster neighborhoods... walking organic salad bars.

4. Just proving Marvel still has some more barrels to scrape after Ant-Man comes out.

5. "OK, family, I'm off to Folsom Street. Make sure my inflatable butt cushion is ready when I get home. I'll be tender."

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

What Is it with Democrats and Girly Bikes?


1. The Doofusmobile temporarily disabled, Doofusman rides to the rescue on the Doofus-cycle.

2. The Secret Service detail knew that shoving a stick into the spokes would be a career-ending move but... dammit... this asshole SO had it coming.

3. Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin roars through the countryside on his souped-up Harley with a pair of Hooters waitresses -- one in the back, one on the handlebars -- all the while firing his AK-47 with pinpoint accuracy.

4. Hey, look, a commie faggot on a bike. 

Monday, August 04, 2014

It's Twoo

Blame Schneider


1. ♪ ♫ "Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found you..." 

2. Big Deal. Paris Hilton can take, like, eight of those and still have room for a volleyball tournament. 

3. "Now I remember why I shop at Sullivan's P-Town Farmer's market." 

4. "Yes, yes! Oh yes! I have found the ideal vegetable with which to administer Jesse Ventura the massive beating and anal sodomizing he so richly deserves." (What did you think I was gong to use it for?)

5. I know what you're all thinking. $26 for a watermelon? WTF? 

Best of John Schneider
How many fucking batteries does it take to power this bitch?

Best of Dr. Doom
"I didn't realize there was such a thing as an 'Africanized' cucumber," stated Sandra...

Best of Best of
Always look for Golly Green Giant genetically modified™ in your grocer's aisle

Best of Carpe Phlogsiton
Thawtbubble: Ho Ho Ho.... Jolly Green Giant! 

Best of Steve O
A new cucumber hybrid called the Obamacare.

Best of GregMan
A young Clinton intern finds the perfect gift for Hillary.


Friday, August 01, 2014

Sign o' The Times

The Feral Irishman



Best of Submariner
    Rumor has it that Walter Mondale kicked a young intern named Hillary Rodham off his campaign staff while visiting the executive washroom one afternoon after he discovered that she was hung better than he...

Best of Best of
    At work Lacey takes a stand, sticking to her guns, against IHOP's "all employees must wash their hands" sign.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks like Senator Craig has really upped his game...

Best of curly
    My Urinal -- My Business!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Senator Craig's Thawtbubble as he peeks thru a gap in the door frame: Noooo, go away, you're not what I'm looking fo... oooh, wait a minute, mebbe you are!