Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Part-Time SCOAMF



1. The psychiatrist had never had a patient like this before. His answer to every Rorschach blot was "Me being awesome."

2. "Here is Mr. Holder's resignation letter. We have crossed out 'cap some white-ass punk cracker bitches' and put in 'spend more time with my family.'"

3. "And this sheet of paper lists all of your pre-presidential, first term, second term, and anticipated lifelong accomplishments."

4. "So, after that little call from the IRS, Malia's biology teacher wised up and changed that C- to an A+."

5. "Anyway, this is a drawing of what you and Reggie Love were doing when Sasha walked in, according to her therapist."

Best of Submariner
Which davenport would you most like your wife to wear to the next State Dinner?

Best of jimmy
SCOAMF thoughtbubble: "Look! White, thin, devoid of information and held up for ridicule...the perfect State Department spokeswoman."

Best of Markus ARyanas
"Mr. President, it looks NOTHING like a pair of tits!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Bored and in a hurry to begin his next vacation, the President instructs his National Security Chief to summarize all of the daily Security Briefs onto one sheet... block printed in crayon... RED crayon...

Best of Best of
If you need any help with the big words Mr. President we can get Valarie in here.

Best of Whacko
"Well dang!" exclaimed the president, "All this time I thought security briefs were undies with extra thickness in the crotch."

Best of The Expendable
"That's funny. Dagwood sure loves his... umm... sandwiches. What's next? Umm... 'Fred Bassett'? I never... umm... understood that one. Go ahead and... umm... turn the page, Denis. And get me a... umm... sandwich."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
no, get me high quality porn - like Ebola does Dallas!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Mr. President, how much longer until your regular TelePrompter is back in service?"
"Stop whining, um Jim. You knew what you were (scroll that a little faster) getting into when you, um signed up (scroll just a little faster) on the health care web, um uh website."

2:40 AM Delete
Best of Kaptain Krude
"'Um, see, um uh see D-, see um Dick, see um Dick um uh run.'"
Best of Jay Guevara
"Good news. We found your transcripts, Mr. President."

Best of curly
"...and here's the very detailed map that your security detail gave to the crazy fence jumper."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Now say it with me, now. 'Ebola epidemic'.
"Eboly epidemic"
Ebo-la
"Ebo-lee"
E-bo-la
"E-bo-lee"
*sigh* Very good, Mr. President.

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Grandparents



1. "No, Hill, this one's not for eating... Hill, rehinge your jaw. Hill... Hill?"

2. "Yeah, she's going to be a real hotty in about 15 years. I hope I'm still alive."

3. "Well, hello there campaign prop... I mean... grand-daughter.... I mean, campaign prop."

4. "And the best part is, I've already arrange to marry her to a Saudi Prince for $5 million."

5. "Oh, Bill, it's so nice to have another organ bank."


Best of andthenblammo!
Bill really wants to know why nobody will take one of his 'It's A Girl!' cigars. They're so nice and moist!

Best of The Expendable
"No Bill, I didn't say she had webbed feet, I said she has Webb's feet."

Best of marco
Oh, Bill, she's so sweet. But you know it will take a village to raise her. Chel and Mark won't notice we're bringing her to the Congo tonight, will they?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Slick: That drool stain on her blanket reminds me of...
Hilary: If you mention the blue dress I'll disembowel you with her rattle.

Best of Mr Hankey
Hillary's attempts to breast feed the baby ended up with the baby choking on her nipple hairs.

Best of GregMan
"What a darling baby. Get the oven ready."

Best of curly
"Just look at her suck that little thumb!"

Friday, September 26, 2014

Open Line Friday



Best of chronos the wonder pig
WOW BAO
hot asian buns

Best of dadoctah
"Why no, that's not a Knee Defender in my pocket; I actually am just glad to see you."

Best of metalgarth
Samuel L. Bronkowitz presents: "That's Airport 2014"

Best of Submariner
Two Thai Dumplin's on My Stick? Sure; But I expect to be hungry again in an hour...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Is there anything else you would like to pack firmly into my bins?" And then the bow-chicka-wow music kicked in.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Shortly after Dawn's flight took off, she happened to glance up from her interracial feminist romance novel and noticed the in-flight entertainment... ATDHE.

Best of Whacko
I'm just guessing that this is NOT Virgin Airlines.

Best of dadoctah
I, for one, am in the fully locked and upright position.

Best of mega
"And here are the new seats for our Economy passengers."

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

And Now, Something for the Ladies



1. An now, a very special episode of Dirty Jobs, directed by Ang Lee.
2. Andrew Sullivan's bridesmaids pose with their souvenir "power tools."
3. Chippendale's were never the same after the Obama Administration's revised hiring standards.
4. The Village People had to do some rework to meet the next generation's fetish expectations.
5. They may not look like much, but put on "Call Me, Maybe" and their flawless choreography will blow your mind.

Best of dadoctah
"And now a late-breaking report from Sumo Eyewitness News!"

Best of Submariner
AOM's throwing a party, eh?

Best of GregMan
After Dirty Jobs moved to it's new studio on Folsom Street, it was never the same again.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Ferndale Senior High Audio Visual Club's 10th Year Reunion and Wilberforce is still upset at the jocks for laughing at their letterman diapers.

Best of jimmy
Will CNN ever regain a shred of credibility?
Depends.

Best of mega
Once "children can stay on your policy until they're 26" had taken hold, it was only a matter of time...

Best of mega
On the upside, none of these men is likely to participate in Rape Culture.

Best of Kaptain Krude
The John Edwards is Good Fan Club poses for publicity photos.

Best of Dr. Doom
Meet the Secret Service Detail for the President's last visit to Man Country...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The Question That Answers Itself


1. And in a rare caption coincidence, another protester provides the slogan of the Democrat Party.

2. The face that says, "I have never had a moment a real joy in my entire life."

3. "How could we be this stupid... to mindlessly follow Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore as they buzz in on their private jets to lecture about carbon footprints." It is indeed a good question.

Best of The Expendable
"My mom told me not to pop it. That was 28 years ago and it's still intact. What, the pimple on my nose? No, that's new. I was talking about my virginity."

Best of Dr. Doom
I can't tell did this person vote for Barack Obama or Ron Paul?

Best of Submariner
I'd wondered what Susan Estridge was up to...

Best of curly
Who said there’s no such thing as an honest liberal Democrat?

"We Need Balls"


1. Coincidentally, the Republican Party has exactly the same slogan.

2. Andrew Sullivan and the Safe School Czar join the global warming protest.

3. After his two dads' totally misguided attempt to show support, Billy reluctantly had to quit the soccer team.

Best of Double the U
You spelled "brains" wrong.

Best of GregMan
At the Folsom Street Climate Change Rally, Todd misunderstood the phrase "Long, Hard Winter", which was fine by Frank.

Best of metalgarth
This road closed for erection... said no one. Ever.

Best of Submariner
After turning Thor into a "Disney Princess," I guess this isn't much of a stretch for Prince Adam and Cringer...

Best of The Expendable
Patty increasingly viewed Marcie's lengthy "pre-op" status as a lack of commitment. However, the frugal Marcie's real reason for hesitating was that she hated the idea of wasting the $800-per-inch tattoo she'd gotten last year.

Best of racerboy
We Need Balls!
Such Big Balls!!
Dirty Big Balls!!!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Connie Chung impersonating Anthony Weiner and Bawney Fwank impersonating a St. Patrick's Day float tied for 1st Place in a very strange Friday the 13th in Times Square ritual.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Well, they're not gonna find any in the White House right now, that's for sure.

Best of Dr. Doom
NOW performance art...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Peter Frampton (pictured far right) couldn't believe his luck. He could now retire the Pig from Pink Floyd and start a new sensation! Life was good!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Do I Make You Horny, Baby?

curly


1. "Awww, sheeet, those things just sprout up every time I tell a lie."

2. Standard Caption #5: "Ia! Ia! C'thulu F'taghan!"

3. "And with the latest brilliant proclamations of our amazing, fantastic goat-president, I'm Andrea Mitchell, MSNBC news."

4. "And so I have, um, resigned the presidency to, um, take over my new, um, position as um, Dilbert's boss."

5. ORA: "I take care of the, um, place while the, um, master is away."

Best of Rodney Dill
five
five dollar
five dollar footlong

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"...and under Obamacare's, if it lasts more than four hours we'll put up road signs!"

Best of Best of
I am not the, er, um, Anti-Christ!

Best of Submariner
I went to Bao Wow for lunch.
I ordered Schnauser and pumpernickle.
I KNOW Schnauser.
That was certainly NOT Schnauser!
I have directed Attorney General Holder to launch an investigation on Tuesday while I take Air Force One to St. Andrews...

Best of Dr. Doom
Many misinformed people think this is a picture of the Antichrist. Of course discerning monors know he is not the Antichrist. Rather what we see here is a picture of the Antipresident...

Best of metalgarth
Black Metal Album covers: UR DOIN' IT RONG

Best of curly
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Best of The Expendable
"Three and a half years into his first term I noticed the horns. I knew then he was the Antichrist, but what was I supposed to do? Vote for a Mormon? Yeah, right."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Good evening, my, um, fellow, um, Americans. I'd like to discuss with you tonight the most serious subject matter that we have ever had to face as a country. It's terrible, it's horrifying, and I cannot tell you how much it offends me. I'm talking, of course, about the alarming shortage of arugula."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
My fellow muslims... oops, CUT!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

It Must Have Lasted More Than Four Hours



Best of The Expendable
"LOVE TUNNEL CLOSED. DETOUR TO HERSHEY HIGHWAY."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Well, at least we know one thing: Hillary isn't at the end of that.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and inadvertent side effect or working on Big Beaver Road in Troy, Michigan.

Best of Submariner
Q: How many union workers does it take to get an erection up?
A: Evidently 3 with an additional 3 Supervisors.

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Clinton's Secret Service detail had to get creative after the Obama Administration reduction in force...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Architect pointing: Sorry, but now my wife thinks the building might look better over there.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Ready, Aim,...


Best of Best of
Southwestern tree stand

Best of Best of
Oh the things a gal must do to become the next Miss New Mexico

Best of Dr. Doom
Fed up with federal inaction at the borders, Sheriff Joe enlists the girls at the Bunny Ranch to resolve the problem...

Best of The Expendable
From craigslist.com: For sale, 1975 model, needs TLC and a good wash. Buy her and I'll throw in the El Camino for free.

Best of curly
PMS: Pardon My Shotgun

Best of dadoctah
"I don't care about the gun, I don't care if the girl's underage, I don't care about the open containers, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you slide with improperly-secured cargo!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"All right, ennui, it's just you and me now," Cindy muttered through clenched teeth as the first shotgun shell racked home. "And soon, it'll just be... me."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Jeb and Darleen's "How to Discourage Tailgaters" video is almost as popular as last month's dining video: "Tenderizing Roadkill with Moonshine Marinade."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

But Is It Second Rate Accident Porn?



1. They had to put the sign up after too many people got rear-ended.

2. "Accident Porn." The inevitable next spiral in Dennis Haysbert's career.

3. Apparently, Anthony Weiner will be giving a speech later.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Of course, of course



Threadwinner: The Expendable
Sarah Jessica Parker comes home early and finds her husband with Jennifer Aniston.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Mrs Ed wants to know what Mr Ed is doing in Barney Frank's house....

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Mr Ed wants to know what Mrs Ed is doing in Ray Bradbury's house...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Excuse me, sir, but have you heard the good news about Bernie Saunders?"

Best of Best of
The expectations set by Beer for My Horses led to this inexorable showdown.

Best of curly
“Let’s go, Barack – we’ve got work to do!” The Pale Horse of the Apocalypse was anxious to get going and was tired of waiting on Obama to finish his ‘meeting’ with Reggie Love.

Best of jimmy
How the mighty have fallen: her TV and film career in tatters, Sarah Jessica Parker experiences the final insult when Matthew Broderick changes the locks on the double-wide and calls his lawyers.

Meanwhile, Back in the Oval Orifice


1. "So I see little Timmy is a pillow-biter. We should send him over to Senator Reid's office."

2. "Yeah, most kids have that reaction when they find out the Safe School Czar is going to babysit."

3/ Timmy's OCD went nuts when he saw all the cigarette burns and ring stains on the SCOAMF's desk.

4. Timmy thoughtbubble: "Did that idiot really just say 'The Islamic State is not Islamic.' What a f--kin' moron."

5. "Why yes, Malia was sitting there earlier and she was menstruating!"

Best of Best of
The blind boy is king in room full of aspies

Best of Submariner
SCOAMF thawt bubble: "That hideous red, white and blue thing has GOT to go! I wonder if she has a nice red dress with crescent moons? Yeah, THAT would be more fitting..."

Best of The Expendable
Principal Obama: We're ... umm... a progressive school system. We... umm... don't want to see anybody... umm... left behind. Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump?
Mrs. Gump: He's on vacation

Best of jimmy
PrezBO: "Oh, him? Yeah, I know I ought to force him to stop pouting and go home, but what would YOU do if you got fired from Meet The Press so publicly?"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
kid: "After eating M'Chels school lunches, this couch is heaven....

Best of Mr Hankey
I'll fix the boy. After all, I taught Adian Petersen everything he knows.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Yeah, so just ignore him. He just wants attention. Just ignore him, and he'll eventually go away. I know he says he's the President, but really, do you really believe him? Does he seem like a President to you? No? I didn't think so, either."

Best of USMC2841
Oh don't worry about little Jack. He just found out how much he owes to pay off the debt.

Best of curly
"Yes Alex. I'll take 'Queefs or farts?' for $200.00."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Agent, through gritted teeth: "Droit du seigneur? Are you fking kidding me?!"

Best of Mr Hankey
Wendy Davis campaign poster - "If I Hadn't Aborted" won her a Nobel Peace Prize

Best of Dr. Doom
Little Billy is overcome by intense waves of ennui emanating from the President. Instantly the four year old grasps the inner workings of Obama Administration foreign policy...

Friday, September 12, 2014

Seriously, You Guys, Where's My Phone?



1. "Nice throw, Kobe!"

2. "Don't be a boob, texting and driving don't mix." The NHTSA was forced to pull its latest PSA after outcry from fat angry manless feminists.

3.  If it takes you longer than 0.3 seconds to find the phone in this picture, I have some news for you....

Best of The Expendable
Tanya found that after writing her number over the urinal at the Greyhound station, and setting her phone to vibrate, she got all the "action" she wanted.

Best of The Expendable
Jenny found it humorous to change her ringtone to say, "Got milk?" and watch the reactions of the other parishioners.

Best of jimmy
Obamacare's cut-rate pacemaker was Becky's undoing, especially in the robocall-plagued election season. Shortly after this photo was taken, she gave herself two black eyes from unrestrained jumping up and down, and her heart rate clocked at 178 beats per minute.

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"...and when I shake 'em, the phone recharges!"

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Hot Dog!


 Free for all because... sorry...  I got nothin'

Best of The Expendable
Jenny was both shocked and amazed that Polly could put a three foot wiener halfway down her throat, but really, for a Delta Zeta from Rutgers like Polly it was no big deal.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Is this how you're supposed to do it, Ms. Fluke?" The dictum is that those who can't, teach.

Best of dadoctah
"That's disgusting. I'll just have the fish tacos."

Best of USMC2841
You're hired!!!

Best of Mr Hankey
Julie passes her sorority test by only sucking on the head no matter her instincts.

Best of Best of
Forrest Gump rationalizes Jenny's predilection for cramming filthy mystery meat in her gob, "Momma always said everybody'd eat a pecker of dirt in theys lifetime."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Brunette's thawtbubble: Jeeez... it's double-ended but she won't share?

Best of chronos the wonder pig
"Oh, I wish I were a Oscar Meyer Wiener......"

Best of mega
The first week after schools dropped Michelle Obama's healthy lunch progream were pandemonium.

Best of Mr Hankey
The menu at Bill Clinton's deli allows for some intern applicants to show their stuff.

Best of Rodney Dill
...well I'd pay 5 dollars for that.

Friday, September 05, 2014

Yeah, Naked Gary Busey



1. Meanwhile, back at Man's Country...

2. "Oh ... sorry, Mr. Busey... it's Madonna's sagging tits we were speculating about, not yours."

3. Busey: "Bidet's busted. Used your Water-Pik. Hope that's okay."

4. "Y'know, there's nothing I hate worse than old, white, washed up, alcoholic actors... There's one behind me, isn't there?"

5. Busey: "I just showered off about five pounds of forensic evidence. Figured I could give the black guy some pointers."

Thursday, September 04, 2014

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Someone's in the Kitchen with OMFG!


1. Reggie Love hated "Family Matters Cosplay Night."

2. Gordon Ramsey be damned, this is the real 'Hell's Kitchen.'

3. "How do you take your eggs, Mr. Frank" "Like my rent boys, flipped once and over easy."

4. Unlike Jennifer Lawrence, no one was interested in Spike Lee's hacked iCloud pics.

Best of The Expendable
Startled, Leroy turned and asked incredulously, "What? You mean you don't wear a chest protector when frying bacon?"

Best of kg
I didn't know Pajama Boy had a brotha.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
A disheveled Michelle walks into their tiny Chicago tenement kitchen, scratches her balls and says, "OMFG Barack, I jest dreamt you wuz president! Ain't dat a hoot?"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Erkel would rather cook at home than eat M'Chel's school lunches....

Best of Submariner
Head over to the Glory Hole Recreation Area after lunch? Sure...

Best of .................Russ in Oregon
We can find this on the internet, but we can't find Lois Lerner's E-mails.

Best of Mr Hankey
In their first apartment after getting married, not many folks knew that Michelle wore a wig

Best of Jay Guevara
"Go ahead, laugh, but someday I'm gonna be President of the United States."

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

DWS Meets the People



1. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz explains to her constituents about how Democrats "embrace different standards of beauty" and therefore she ought to be considered hot.

2. "Show us your tits!" "One more outburst like that, and I'll have you removed Mrs. Ferguson."

3. "... And for a donation of $500, you gain the use of one 'Get Out of the Death Panel' free card."

4. "Perhaps Mrs. Ferguson can answer the gentleman's question: Why *are* tits so great?"

5. "Now, I understand the gentleman in back with the turban has a question for the 'Zionist Kike-bitch."

Best of chronos the wonder pig
DWS tell the crowd how pleased she is to be at the Glory Hole Recreation Area, and how she can't wait to find a surprise around every corner.

Best of The Expendable
"... And as soon as they finished, the horrified theater manager said, 'My God, what do you call your act?', to which the man proudly answered, 'The Aristocrats!' ... The Aristocrats... anyone? Is this thing on?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It reportedly began as a soft chant in the far back corner, but soon the whole crowd at the Monkton Senior Living Center was yelling, TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! at the new administrator. By the time SWAT arrived with their government-issued tank and crowd control flamethrowers, an hysterical Miss Smythers was down to just her panties and wristwatch. Seven seniors were treated for burns and rifle butt concussions. Eric Holder flew in to commend the police and give them another tank.

Best of Double the U
Yes,yes, the food and drinks are free and by free I mean you paid for it.

Best of curly
“In order for my speech here tonight to make sense, we’ve conveniently placed balloons of nitrous oxide around the room.”

Best of Dr. Doom
"And now, thanks to the President's community organizing skills, you can keep voting the ticket long after you are dead," explained Ms. Wasserman-Schultz...

Best of USMC2841
The Dem's plan to keep the Senate. "Now on your ballots er..Bingo Cards mark D-Michelle Nunn"

Gold Star Best of jimmy
DWS actually enjoys doing the nursing home circuit because they are more accustomed to the ravings of dementia patients.

Best of Mr Hankey
Sing "The Way We Were"!!!

Best of Best of
Will you please stop squawking and just give us our Liver Loaf. We were promised Liver Loaf. They woke us up from our afternoon nap because DWS said she was going to give us free liver loaf.
No Liver Loaf? No Peace. And no Senior Vote.
Guy in Blue Shirt... WTF is up wit yo hair?

Best of Submariner
DWS: "Vote straight Dem or you'll find out that Soilent Green is YOU people..."

Best of jimmy
"I have no idea what she's said so far; I am too distracted by that Adam's Apple. Man, it's like she's trying to swallow a tennis ball."