Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Kneeling Before Zod

Hat Tip: GP



1. "*We* find your bowing and scraping insufficiently obsequious. Go to John Boehner and let him show you the proper manner."

2. "Those, um, upskirt cams were installed under, um, Clinton. Nobody has figured out how to, um, turn them off yet."

3. The Emperor checked his concubines regularly to make sure their roots weren't coming in gray.

4. "Bo seems to have made a terrible mess on the carpet." "Um, yeah, Bo. It was totally Bo that did that."

5. "Bet you, um, didn't know that I could, um, destroy your immortal soul if you met my gaze. Now, clean up the mess, send some flowers to her family, and get out of my sight."

6. "Your supplication pleases *us*. We will allow your families to live."

Best of Best of
Ummmm, ahhh why the hell does, ummmmm, everybody hit their heads on the desk or wall when they see me?

Best of curly
“Quit staring at my, umm, cloven feet”.

Best of The Expendable
"No, no... umm... get up. When I ordered you to... umm... munch carpet, I meant... umm... never mind."

Best of Rodney Dill
Whose cankles are those sticking out from under the desk, Mr. President?

Best of Mr Hankey
Staffers offer themselves for execution upon presentation of the latest approval numbers

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Do I have to get Reggie in here to show you how to do it?

Best of Dr. Doom
"Remember you must never make eye contact with her," cautioned the President, "An angry Wookie is a dangerous Wookie..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh and bring me one of those tiaras like those little girls were wearing. I will have need of one at Man's Coun - er - my executive conference tonight," demanded the President...

Best of jimmy
"And so you see," PrezBO intoned, "all they have to do is utter the secret phrase--Sharyl Attkisson--and the trap door sends them straight to the wood chipper in the cellar."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Stop laughing you two. I really want to put the Obama Presidential Library in Havana!

Best of Best of
Damn kids left my vintage Darth Vader Carrying Case open on the desk with action figures strewn about the floor.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Still looking for a shred of integrity or patriotism from you, Mr. President. So far ... bupkis."

Monday, December 29, 2014

The Queen of Indonesia



Threadwinner Dr. Doom
Looks like the Chalk Faced Whore Patrol has a new Den Mother...

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
The one I wear at Man Country is real......

Best of Mr Hankey
Step one is acceptance of your true gender...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Dressed up? Oh, the tiara. Yes, yes I did get dressed up for you kids. Yes, that's it. Dressed up. I don't normally wear this around the office. No, no that would be *sigh* ridiculous.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

The Nightmare Before Christmas


Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Happy US Government Federal Holiday to all y'all

Best of Mac
Where did you get that picture of my girlfriend?

Best of Best of
Nobody can hold a candle to--um, gets into a pissing match with--er, Mrs. deBlasio's homemade Christmas card...

Best of Dactyl
Banned from the NFL, Ray Rice had to make a living somehow.

Best of Dactyl
Nine comments in and no 'Ho ho ho' jokes? Really?

Best of The Expendable
Shaneequa's red muff with white fur was unique, and she hated having to cover it with this ridiculous outfit.

Best of curly
Mr. Don Wenow’s Facebook page says that he’s currently dressed in gay apparel.

Best of Mr Hankey
Saving Barry from jumping over the bridge, Clarence the angel showed him the world without him, including where Eric Holder would have been.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Ghost of Christmas Past visits Dub's dream...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Google agrees to permanently abandon street level mapping.

Merry Christmas Eve, Monors


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Challenge Accepted


Best of Dactyl
Atheist gerbils around the world breathed a sigh of relief.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
I'll bet anything that down the road, a reporter will interview neighbors who'll say there weren't any warning signs.

Best of Rodney Dill
...and of course that means butt drugs are right out.

Best of Submariner
...and by that Clem means Jesus Garcia, his gardener...

Best of curly
Pants Up -- Don't Roofie


Monday, December 22, 2014

Gutted

Busy today. Do stuff to this.


Threadwinner Dactyl
Santa's present-delivering visit to Hoth was predictably disastrous.
"And I thought they smelled bad on the outside."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Santa finally takes out Olive, the other reindeer....

Best of Dr. Doom
Eventually GPS technology made Rudolph obsolete...

Best of Dr. Doom
Dancer and the rest of the team look on in horror as Santa joins in a new kind of Reindeer Game...

Best of Double the U
Oh shut up...this Mrs Claus and I have talked in 50 years, it's dead and it's Christmas.

Best of dadoctah
"...and now for those goddam elves."

Best of Kaptain Krude
Santa got a little paranoid after the T2000 managed to slip past his defenses, so now he checks all of the reindeer to make sure they aren't robots, too.

Apparently, asking them to check the box "I'm not a robot" never occurred to him.

Best of The Expendable
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

Beer Nuts are a dollar forty nine, and deer nuts are under a buck. 

Under a buck. A buck? You know, because... is this thing on?

Best of Best of
So when they talk about points on a deer, they mean icy nipples?

Best of Rodney Dill
Actually surgery on flying reindeer, IS rocket science.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
It was at that moment the elves and deer realized the North Pole CPR class was just a sham cover for Santa's bestiality fetish.

Best of Mr Hankey
Schlomo the Jewish Reindeer's bris was Santa's first time trying out his mohel skills.

Best of Best of
Another brutal sleighing

Best of dadoctah
Donner Party: ur doin it...well, outside the box, at the very least.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

No Perve Like an Old Perve


1. "Back off, Cankles, I saw them first."

2. Once again, BJ Clinton wins at "Find the Whore."

3. "Hey, Babe, wanna play 'sorting hat?' You sit on my face and tell me which hole I'm going in."

4. "Hillary says we need to empathize with our enemies; can I help it if my enemy is a lesbian who likes blonds with big tits?"

5. "Yes, they are spectacular. I'll let you know in a minute if they're real."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"We meet in the Detroit Lions parking lot!"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"She thinks I'm Ray Bradbury!"

Best of Double the U
I love these Secret Service "Silent Santa" gifts.

Best of Best of
Isn't that sweet, Hillary gor Bill a new humidor for Christmas!

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well we are going to pin the tail, Shundra," explained Mr. Clinton, "but we won't need a donkey..."

Best of Best of
Ukraine's anal gang-bang starlet, Svetlana, does unspeakable things to escape her war-torn home.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Slick Willy channels Chuck Heston -
“I have only five words for you, Hillary: From my cold, dead hands.”

Best of  Best of
Close but no Cigar.

Best of Rodney Dill
Just one word -- Scotchguard

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

The Bromance of the CRomnibus



1. "Parking lot... five minutes."

2. "John... when we're in, um, public... could you, um, be a little less obviously my bitch."

3. "Since Reggie Love left, do you ever get... lonely?"

4. "You didn't have to roophie me, Oh Great One, you had me at 'Amnesty.'"

5. "Mmmm... feel that bicep. Those three pound curls are really paying off."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Bat Cave, ten minutes.......

Best of Jay Guevara
"I wish I could quit you."

Best of The Expendable
"Umm... time to dial the... umm... tanning bed back a bit, John. You're... umm... you're darker than me."

Best of Mr Hankey
....so it's a deal......I'll make it look like an accident when Michelle falls down at the Christmas party and breaks her neck....you've got Elizabeth Warren accepting that speaking position in Pakistan.

Best of Best of
Meanwhile, having returned from a parking lot outside a Detroit Lions game...

Best of Best of
Don't squeeze the Shah, man

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Boehner loves to blow in Obamalama's ear and watch his eyes fog up with condensation.

H-e-e-e-e-e-r-e's Billy


Monday, December 15, 2014

Meanwhile, in a parking lot outside a Detroit Lions game...



... John Boehner "negotiates" the CRomnibus with Barack Obama

Best of Double the U
West Turin Chevy, where we will do anything to get you to buy our cars.

Best of The Expendable
Usually it's the Detroit Lions, not their fans, who suck ass.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Treat me like one of your whores!" Detroit street theater presents Titantic.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
R U sure that it is not the parking lot of Butt Drugs?

Best of jimmy
Still a better half-time show than Katy Perry's autotuned warbling.

Best of Mr Hankey
"Emergency rattlesnake bite attendant needed in Parking Lot A"

Best of Rodney Dill
Butt drug dispenser -- by Pez

Friday, December 12, 2014

SciFI Throwback Friday


1. An aloof alien gives the orders from but a black woman actually runs the show; who knew Star Trek was actually about the Obama Regime?

2. "No, Spock, I still haven't figured out how to get your damn Mexican soap operas on this damn thing."

3. "You know what I just saw in the bathroom, Uhura? The Captain's log."



Best of Mr Hankey
I'v completed my hack into Star Fleet e-mails. They say that you're a “minimally talented spoiled brat” from “Crazyland.”

Best of metalgarth
Go to Uranus and search for Klingons? A most illogical course suggestion, Mr. Sulu

Best of jimmy
"Awesome jams, there, Uhura...I had no idea you DJ'd at Starfleet Academy."

Best of dadoctah
"First officer's log, supplemental: was just touched inappropriately by the ship's helmsman. Have decided to hold back on reporting the incident to Starfleet because--well, because I kind of liked it."

Best of GregMan
"A furry convention? Set phasers to kill, Lt. Uhura."

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I Got Nothin'

Chronos...


"Thank You for Shopping at Tourette's Market." 


Best of chronos z. wonderpig
On sale at Butt Drugs - Tasty Ass Crackers!!!!
(too easy)

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
If Avon was bought out by Hustler

Best of Rodney Dill
Do they all come in Ass. Fragrances?

Best of Dr. Doom
The new Ramen flavors were not the big hit the Board of Directors was hoping for although c0ck and a$$ flavor did very well in San Francisco...



Tuesday, December 09, 2014

That Definitely Puts a Crimp In the Yiffing

Furry Convention Evacuated Because of Chlorine Gas


Best of The Expendable
Sign hanging around Bruce's (in purple) neck: "I still support Barack Obama"

Best of Rodney Dill
The Fast and the Furriest

Best of Rodney Dill
"Schlemiel schlimazel hasenpfeffer..." (and with that the rabbit punched the fox lights out)

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The GOP showed its disgust with the UN by mandating a dress code for diplomats in NY.

Best of newb
On the Island of Misfit Mascots, Peetie the "sexual harassment" rabbit and Foxy the "run around with scissors" fox lament on how screwed up the United States has become since Obama was first elected.

Best of curly
"Dude, you need to check your blue bunny privilege."

Best of Dr. Doom
I'm sorry - I can't tell - is this a group of outgoing Democrat US Senators or the Berkeley, CA City Council taking a recess?

Best of Mr Hankey
Upon his ejection from the forest, Little Bunny FooFoo found himself homeless on the streets turning tricks with Foxy Locksy.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Royal Pains



1. "I liked '1999' and 'Purple Rain,' but what the hell was up with 'Under the Cherry Moon?"

2. Prince William, "Mum and I really envy the lifestyle you and Michelle are able to lavish on yourselves."

3. Prince William, "Oh, calm down you git, it's just British slang for underwear."

4. "Did you know the Vice President is licking all the windows in the West Wing."

5. Is it just me or does a man that "crosses his legs like a woman" scream "GAY?"

Sunday, December 07, 2014

Late to the Party

This has been passed around all weekend. I *know* you monors can do better.


1. "I wish the whole world would just burn... burn... burn.."

2. "It's starting to sleet and that poor, stupid bastard still can't find the door. How long has he lived here, like six years? What a SCOAMF."

3. ORA: "Ewwww, Ugly Naked Guy is doing jumping jacks.'"

4. "That's right. You wouldn't want any tan lines on that fine chocolate skin. Nobody's lookin... Just take it off."

5. "Why are these things so damned hard to open. I'm trapped in here with my own farts."

Saturday, December 06, 2014

Saturday



Best of dadoctah
"Welcome to Hogwarts Remedial studies."

Best of Jay Guevara
After CNN, Candy Crowley moved up to a janitorial engineering position.

Best of jimmy
That'll teach Gertrude not to give her gastric bypass surgeon the brush-off so quickly.

Best of The Expendable
Don't even ask where Hazel keeps her feather duster...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"'Arry Potter? Why, 'e went that-a-way, 'e did. Flew right under me tits, 'e did, so Oi knocked 'im right off and caught 'is broom, Oi did!"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Sony execs deny producing it, can't even explain how the comedy was released under their logo. They're blaming N. Korean hackers for "BIG KNOBS & BROOMSTICKS."

Friday, December 05, 2014

Keep That Dude on a Leash


1. These "Slut-Walks" get more militant every year.

2. In Alternate Universe #40985, Islam is a very, very different religion and Mecca has its own Folsom Street Fair.

3. There is some sort of "Obama Foreign Policy" metaphor in here, but I just can't get my head around it.

Threadwinner: metalgarth
Samish L. Bronkowitz presents "Muslim High School Girls in Trouble"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Caught shoplifting at Butt Drugs

Best of The Expendable
As is written by the prophet: Put a burqa on their head and they all look alike.

Best of Russ in Oregon
Eiffel Tower security won't let me walk around with a rooster tied to my cock.

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

La Cucaracha... on the Left



1. "Let me be clear, America is now Mexico's bitch."

2. "And now, I would like to introduce my chief adviser on immigration reform... Senor Taco."

3. ORA: "I don't wanna sound queer or nothin', but I think that Mariachi band sounds kinda like Depeche Mode."

4. "This is the dealer who supplies me with all my, um, Butt Drugs."

5. Sad when even Reggie Love has been replaced by a cheaper undocumented alien.
Best of Best of
Replace the sombrero with a towel & he is my dream date!

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Yes Mr President, I'm here to do the job you won't do!

Best of The Expendable
Succumbing to a particularly bad case of "the munchies", Barack sells Arizona to his new friend, SeƱor Reconquista, for a double beef fiesta taco with sour cream (and a promise to keep it a secret from M'chelle).

Best of Dr. Doom
The President introduces his new Amnesty Czar...

Best of Mr Hankey
See, I told you if you liked your gardener that you could keep your gardener.

Best of Rodney Dill
Vote for Pedro

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ah Senor Presidente, these are muy delicioso burritos. I had heard there was a meat shortage in this town. I don't know how you did it, but you managed to get me some beef burritos. I am forever in your de..wait a minute, where did the dogs go?"

Best of Submariner
After sharing a couple of Acapulco Gold spliffs, Barry announces his pick for the next Secretary of Defense. Next week he's sure to be as "shocked and outraged" as we ere when he "heard about it on the news..."



Tuesday, December 02, 2014

The Princesses and the SCOAMF



1. Triple Thought Bubble.  "OMG, this is so boring. Why can't we be in Ferguson burning out whitey?"

2. "A-a-a-a-a-a-a-y, I'm... um... The Fonz... The Fonz is still... um... cool... right kds?"

3. The turkey pardoning went horribly awry when M'Chel screeched, "F--k this sh-t, I'm hungry," and bashed 'Snowball's' brains out with her eatin' shovel.

4. After years of Pavlovian conditioning by Bill Ayers, Rev. Wright, and Frank Marshall Davis, the SCOAMF can't help but flick an imaginary Bic lighter in the presence of the American flag.

5. Where will you be when your hair relaxer kicks in?

Best of Jess
I don't know what to write, but I'm really impressed the girl in the middle can balance a ball on top of her head.

Best of Markus ARyanas
"Look kids, if you think this is so boring then get the fuck outa here!"

Best of chronos the wonder pig
Look, just 2 more years and you can go back to your real parents, until then do the job you were hired for!

Best of jimmy
Malia's campaign for Student Council was in the bag....until the SCOAMF had to show up to endorse her candidacy. Here we see her campaign in mid-implosion.

Best of Best of
If Congress won't act then I must. These girls need more diminutive Latin American men naturalized so that they too can realize the dream of starring in a catcall video.

Best of The Expendable
Thawt bubble: "Uh oh... Looks like... Maria... umm... no... Melinda... umm... no... umm... number one has found my... umm... found my stash. "

Monday, December 01, 2014

It's Not Easy Being Green

I'm real busy this morning. Do you mind playing with Kermit for a while? I'll check in later.



Hat Tip: Divine Miss M

Best of Mr Hankey
The gathered crowd weren't sure if Kermit was participating in "Hands Up Don't Shoot" or "Piss on you assholes" as recent news events offered both as proper responses

Best of dadoctah
Aiieee!!!

Best of The Expendable
Golden or not, most of the parade viewers did not appreciate the shower. For the "Folsom Street Balloon Krew", however, it was a dream come true.

Best of jimmy
Kermie thought-bubble: "Aw, man! What the $%^& is Miley Cyrus doing to my leg?"

Best of Dr. Doom
In the San Francisco Macy's Parade Kermit finally located the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. Things went rapidly down hill for network coverage after that...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Kermit: Heyyy, you down there... Stop yelling, "Is that a gherkin pickle?" It's cold out here!

Best of curly
“Miss Piggy, is that you? Oh, hello Sen. Mary Landrieu!”