Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Nerds and Cops

Schneider


1. "Officer, is it really a misdemeanor to follow around fat people playing the 'Elephant Song?'"

2. The vigilante known as The Tuba Man is finally taken into custody.

3. ORA: And another 'Billy and the Boingers' tribute bad meets a sad end.

4. Every metalhead mourns Lemmy in his own way.

5. "Freebird? WTF is 'Freebird?'"

Monday, December 28, 2015

Only at Walmart


1. "Don't be jealous Billy, she just wears it better."
2. "Remind us again why you were dishonorably discharged, grandpa."
3. Later seasons of Small Wonder took a dark and creepy turn.
4. "Gee, grandpa, I want a Filipino mail order bride, too."
5. "Howard Stern says your ventriloquist act is too filthy, grandpa."

Don't You Just Love Baking?


Wednesday, December 23, 2015

All I Want for Christmas is Eye Bleach



Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I saw mommy whipping Santa Claus... underneath the mistletoe last night...

Best of Dr. Doom
    The Ghost of Christmas Future visits Dub's dream...

Best of Dr. Doom
    Season's Greetings from Butt Toy World! What's in your stocking?

Best of Best of
 Thanks, I didn't want to relieve that childhood Christmas I had to spend at Aunt Bertha and Uncle Tony's house.

Best of Rodney Dill
    Some bells just can't be un-jingled.

Best of jimmy
    Paula Deen, will you please just knock it off already?

Best of Dr. Doom
After all these years Lucy is still snatching Charlie Brown's balls. You don't even want to know what is going on with Linus and his blanket...

Best of Dr. Doom
A perfect metaphor for Obamacare - at first it just looks like free stuff but too late you realize it is just another way for liberals to make you submissive...

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

A Moment with Santa


1. "No, shit, Santa. You were in 'Nam, too?"
2. Say what you will about the man, but the two-man sh-tters in Trump's casinos are plush.
3. Santa: "Dude, for the last time, the list of naughty girls is not for sale."
4. "I couldn't help but notice the smell of alcohol on your breath and the look of abject failure in your eyes. Is that you, Jeb?"
5. "I've been very good this year and I demand that Hillary suffer a crippling aneurysm."

Dr. Doom
"So we was a settin' around drinkin some beers and we seen this strange red glow a comin over the ridge, and that's when I shot Rudolph, Santa. Then we field dressed him an brung him home so the ol' lady could grind him into deer sausage." explained Darryl plantively, "Now about that 9 power scope Santa, I want the one with the contrasting reticle..."

dadoctah
"I've got just one wish for Christmas this year. I want one single Presidential candidate that's not full-on batshit crazy."
    "Sorry. Can't help you. Would you settle for a Chipotle gift card?"

Submariner
    Whatcha mean datin' mah sister done put us on the "naughty list?"

Monday, December 21, 2015

The Farce Is with us, Always



1. "We were going to dissolve the Senate and sweep the last vestiges of the Old Republic aside, but with McConnell and Ryan in charge, why bother?"

2. "No, we still haven't found those droids we were looking for. We thought we had a lead, but it turned out to be not the droids we were looking for."

3.  "The Obama Administration is proud to announce we have surpassed Mos Eisley Spaceport as the galaxy's most wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Best of GregMan
    "I find your lack of Communism disturbing."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "I am pleased to announce that we are recognizing these valiant Stormtroopers with the Presidential Medal of Achievement," announced the Obama Administration Spokesweenie, "TK-8671 to my right is being recognized for conserving energy by not discharging his blaster, ever. TK-9731 is hereby recognized for almost hitting his target on one occasion... on the practice range... at band camp..."

Best of metalgarth
    We're going to have ISIS on the run in about 12 parsecs.

Best of metalgarth
    Why yes these guys are our new sharpshooters. Why do you ask?

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "I dare you not to give me a 'harrumph'."

Best of Emperor Palpatine
    It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers you have given me.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Putin and Friends

Brender


1. "Next order of business, who hasn't signed Ludmilla's birthday card?"

2. "I did not get a 'harrumph' out of that comrade. Have him shot."

3. "Your microaggression was very triggering to me, Antonin. I think you need to check your privilege." - Things you can't imagine Vladimir Putin ever saying.

4. "When I said 'Roast Turkey,' I was not talking about sandwiches, comrade."

5. What a strong, smart, patriotic leader looks like. In case you forgot.

Best of GregMan
"Who's up for a visit to Butt Toy World?"

Best of Dr. Doom
General Prokopf: "... and that ends the communique from President Obama."
President Putin: "Seriously? It really says pretty please?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Fucking SPECTRE.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Agent Pavel Ryanoff has completed his mission, sir."

Best of jimmy
Bureaucrat #1: "Comrades, an American foreign-exchange student at Moscow University has staged a sit-in at the dining hall. They say she will not move unless administrators develop a vegan menu with organic, culturally-sensitive ingredients."
Putin: "Three missiles ought to level that campus quite well, don't you think?"

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

From this angle, his hair almost looks human

 
1. "Ich will sich toten!"
 
2. "Bat-cave, five minutes. It's gonna be yu-u-u-u-ge!"
 
3. "The foreigners are using our internets. Pass it on."
 
4. "This 'nuclear triad' thing they asked about. Is that some kind of sexual three-way? Giggity!"
 
5. "Just so you know, I could walk out from the podium, skull-fck Wolf Blitzer and piss in his eye socket and my polls would skyrocket. In fact, I just might."
 


Best of Best of
I'll give you one million to drop out of the race... that is a good deal.

Best of curly
"Jeb's a douche...Pass it on."

Best of dadoctah
Teddy and Donny unsuccessfully try to use their silhouettes to recreate that optical illusion. You know, the one with the vase.

Best of Rodney Dill
Blue horseshoe loves Anacott Steel

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"How do you get all those supermodels to marry you?" "I tell them I'm Ray Bradbury!!"

Best of GregMan
"Hey Ted, after the debate do you wanna go to Butt Toy World?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Psst, Futurama starts in 10 minutes. Pass it on!"

Best of Moose and Squirrel
Gang bang in Carly's room at 10.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey Ted, I bet I can get MSDNC to compare me to Hitler more times next week than you can," challenged Mr. Trump, "What do you say to an even million - is it a bet?"

One Shot


♫"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am..."  ♫

Monday, December 14, 2015

Friday, December 11, 2015

A Person's Face Can Say So Much

This face says:

1. I own a Subaru.
2. There is at least one professional dog groomer in my circle of friends.
3. I voted for Obama, twice.
4. I have never appeared on V the K's blog on a Thursday. Ever.
5. Oh, yeah, by the way, I'm a sex offender.

 
 
Best of Submariner
I vill break you.
 
Best of Dr. Doom
If Rosie O'Donnell and Jabba the Hutt had a love child... it would still be prettier than this
 
Best of Nate
Necks? Ve doan need no steenking necks.
 
Best of GregMan
"Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah, gee."
 
Best of dadoctah
I am Groot.
 
Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Should your erection last for more than four hours, remember this."
 
Best of Son Of The Godfather
We title this masterpiece "Visual Ipecac"
(Which would also be an awesome punk rock band name)
 
Best of Jay Guevara
Boy, Dick Butkus has really let himself go.
 
Best of Rodney Dill
I just love when NFL moms appear in those soup commercials
 
Best of Rodney Dill
Mongo like Candy.
 
Best of Submariner
I'm Senator Reid's upstairs maid...
 
Best of Submariner
Captain, East German women's wrestling team, 2004 Olympics.

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Dude, My Hands Are, Um, Huge

Schneider


1. SCOAMF: "And now, Mr Putin, you will kneel before my death claw." Putin: "Bwah ha ha ha ha, is this guy for real?"

2. "What? No one wants to, um, brain meld with, um, me? What's wrong with my, um, brain?"

3. "These are not the, um, terrorists you are, um, looking for."

4. The SCOAMF pauses in his speech to play with the knobs of the invisible Spirit of Gaia, whom only he can see.

5. "Is this a, um, dagger I, um, see before me. Come, let me... um... clutch thee. I hold thee, um, not... but see thee... um... still?"



Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"I hope that's Reggie under the podium...."
Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"King Barry pose-able un-American Idol Affirmative-Action figure comes with bespoke suit, podium and TelePrompTer, and can be arranged in 5 poses that just SHRIEK intelligence. Just $48,700.00 per US person! Made in China from recycled plastic. Figure is much, much smaller than it appears."
Best of Rodney Dill
"I find your lack of faith in Islam.... disturbing"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble: "I'm fondling your, um, package, Mr. Henry. I'm, uh, fondling your, uh, fondling your, um, uh, pen!s."

Best of jimmy
Thoughtbubble: "Like changing a lightbulb...changing a lightbulb....hmmm, Queen Elizabeth was right! I will do my new 'royal wave' maneuver and ignore the pesky questions of these peasants."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Just flashin' a "C" to all his homies in the Choom Gang.

Best of GregMan
"This is my gang sign from the Folsom Street ButtBangers."

Best of Dactyl
Live Long and Prosper Fail
in more ways than one, acktchally....

Best of jimmy
Dude can't even 'vogue' right, and there's been twenty-five years to practice.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Reporter: "Do you actually believe the crap that comes out of your mouth?"
Barry: "I'm not really sure until I'm finished talking."

Tuesday, December 08, 2015

Donkey Punch



1. Donkey Cop! Coming this fall on Fox.

2. When I heard they arrested a jackass, my first thought was "What did Joe Biden do this time?"

3. "The Muslim Brotherhood is gonna love you in prison, boy."

4. "Should've stayed in Enumclaw, son."

5. Most cops consider it an honor to chauffeur a celebrity, not so with Sarah Jessica Parker.


Best of dadoctah
"We takin' yo ass into jail, boy!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Somewhere in here, there is a metaphor for the Democrat Party, but I'm just too tired to find it.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: "Norman, please coordinate."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Bereft of any new ideas, Hollywood takes a chance with it's "Turner and Hooch" sequel, Sargent Panza and Donkey Oatey.

Best of Dr. Doom
Boy those Norman cops really haul ass...

Best of Submariner
This month on COPS:
Tijuana Vice

Best of Submariner
Domestic abuse calls in Enumclaw were a bit different than other locales.

Best of Mr Hankey
Little s known about Huma's interview to work for Hillary, but props were used.

Best of Mr Hankey
Nancy Pelosi enjoys taking off her make-up and traveling around town unrecognized.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
something ....Sarah Jessica Parker..... something

Best of Rodney Dill
Does this car make my ass look fat?


Monday, December 07, 2015

Perking Up Your Monday

I ain't found nothin' I wanna caption yet. So here's some erect nipples.

Friday, December 04, 2015

When Santa Met Satan




1. "The Pig is into BDSM, Pass It On."

2. All three offered to "Love you long time." One offer was accepted.

3. "Uh, Santa, I, um, think you, um, got my list confused with, um, Hillary's. I don't, um, eat pork and I don't need a, um, child sacrifice."

4. "A solid black butt-plug!! Thank you, Santa, it's PERFECT!"

5. "When I show you the Queen of Spades, you will kill them. You will kill them all!"

A Day Late


Wednesday, December 02, 2015

News of the Eponymous



It could have been worse, he could have been a wide receiver.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I like B1G Butts and I can not lie...

Best of Rodney Dill
    Michael Sam said he'd like to be the judge of that.

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Saving the World One Elegant Dinner Party at a Time



1. "Why do I have to sit next to Skunk Head?" fumed the SCOAMF.

2. Eventually, the other elites grew annoyed with the SCOAMF telling the waiter "You didn't make that" after every course.

3. "I am not, um, sure how to say it in the, um, French language, but is there a... un... Campagne des Hommes ... around here, anywhere?"

4. "The capitalist swine will pay for their crimes against the oppressed of the world. Pass me the foie gras."

5. "Because Al Sharpton always sits at the head of the table, isn't that right, Reverend?"

Best of Whacko
    "Well, Mr. Obama, while you were running on with your global warming speech, we've already finished the salad and entree."

Best of Queegqueg
    There is always a children's table.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "This meeting of SPECTRE will now come to order," intoned Mr. Soros with a bang of his gavel...

Best of Mr Hankey
 So you guys are called SPECTRE and you want me to sell out my whole country for a 5% of the organization? Well I would, but I've already sold out a few other times and got this great watch.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: "Everything he touches withers and dies."
    It didn't matter who was cast as Dominic Greene, they definitely characterized Obama correctly.

    Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Ok, I think we're all here... Sinestro, Riddler, Bizarro, Black Manta... Please Mr.Luthor, the table is yours,"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Now let's see Robert DeNiro as Al Capone walking around the table wielding a baseball bat.

Best of Mr Hankey
    "Barry Barry, if you're able, take your elbows off the table. This is not a horse's stable but a respectable dining table". As my mother would say....

Best of curly
Our family Christmas cards feature a modern rendition of “The Last Supper”, starring our very own messiah-in-chief.

Arrgh! My Eyes!


1. According to people who think Obama is smart and Hillary is accomplished, this is a beautiful woman.

2. That Hijab rule is looking better all the time.

3. Within two weeks of the new "Got Milk" campaign debut, Wisconsin was bankrupt and osteoporosis was a national epidemic.

Best of Queequeg
    Odd, I thought it was a Pirelli calendar, not a Michelin one.

Best of GregMan
"I sense a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of male libidos suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."

Best of Rodney Dill
    Schumer? I don't even know her.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: Geez, V. I. Warshowski really let herself go, didn't she?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "I don't care who you are, ma'am. You're going to have to leave Starbucks immediately."

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Miss Direction



1. Andrew Sullivan does the same with his Hope and Change poster, but it is far more graphic.

2. "Oh, yeah, Niall. You be the Republican Establishment, I'll be the Conservative base. Make it rough, Niall."

3. "Well, mom said if I really want those backstage passes, I better be willing to go places other girls won't."

Best of Rodney Dill
    Stud finder - ur doin it rong.

Best of Mac
    Poster? Damn near wrecked her.

Best of Mr Hankey
    Scratching posts for preteens for fixing that special itch

Best of John Schneider
    YOu just gave me a paper cut. No, I said CUT!!!!

Best of Mr Hankey
    Julie can't share all of the pictures of where she took Flat Stanley.

 

Monday, November 23, 2015

OK, Obvious Photoshop but Still ... No, Just No

Blame Schneider



1. And now you know why refugees have begun sewing their own mouths shut.

2. Other orifices are available for #BlackLivesMatter

3. What Shallow Hal saw at the protest.

4. Photoshop or not, a pretty succinct version of the actual Obama refugee policy.

5. Hm, must be Swedish.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    It may be cruel, but it's the only way to turn 'em back.

Best of Mr Hankey
    ....and for Twinkies, and Hershey Bars, and Rice Crispie Treats, and....

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Mr.President, I think we've found a place to put them all with room to spare...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    In my Tom Petty voice:
    ♫ "Don't... have... to spread for the refugees..." ♫
    ♫ (Don't have to spread for the refugees..." ♫

Best of GregMan
    "...and I live near Dick Lick Park!"

 Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks like the Obama administration Immigration Czar has hit the ground running...

Best of Dr. Doom
    If the Safe Schools Czar were transferred to DHS... (it would explain a lot in real life wouldn't it?)

Friday, November 20, 2015

"Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."


1. "I want to pour maple syrup all over and lick it off... slowly."
2. Match-dot-com scores its biggest coup ever.
3. Vladimir Putin sees this and thinks whatever the Russian word for "submissive bottom twink" is.
4. "Two hits of... um... X ... and um... I'm anybody's.... um... bitch."
5. Suddenly, the SCOAMF didn't miss Reggie Love at all.

Best of Best of
    The safe phrase is "black lives matter."

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    Bat Cave, 10 minutes........

Best of GregMan
    "So, Barry, what are your best tips for destroying a formerly-free Western nation?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"So Justin have you heard about Man Country," queried the President? "You know they are franchizing don't you? I'm thinking, MC Montreal... just imagine the French maid costume possibilities..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"So about that $9.99 head... is that ten bucks Canadian or Amerikkkan," asked the President? "It doesn't really matter I guess, at those prices my Secret Service detail is long gone..."

Best of jimmy
 "So, you're Pierre Trudeau's son? Wow....I used to read his Doonesbury comics all the time. I even understood several of them."
    [uncomfortable pause]
    "Okay, maybe one or two of them were explained to me, but I still thought they were really clever."

Best of curly
    "I wish I could rigorously vet you."

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Your Move

Moar Chess Peeces Heer

The Chappaqua HillBillies

HTSK

1. "Tell purse girl to dump this load of Saudi cash in the trunk and get ready for the contribution from the Wall Street Hedge managers."

2. "Can you think of any reason we're being haunted  by the spectral figures of young Gloria Steinham and Charlie Sheen?"

3. Cut to Rod Serling: "Submitted for your approval, an aging Lothario whose insatiable lust for chubby woman is matched on by the insatiable lust for power of his harridan wife. This accused rapist and his greedy corrupt wife are the leaders of a political party that professes support for women's rights and against rapacious capitalism. You have entered, The Twilight Zone."

4. "Never mind her, she's just another personal assistant praying for the sweet release of death that will never come... [cackling laugh]."

5. "Hey, at the rate the SCOAMF is going, there may not be much left of America for you to destroy."

ThreadwinnerUSMC2841
    Nice of Bernie to get us backstage to Eagles of Death Metal.

Best of Mr Hankey
    So with your new brain, I expect to see a great performance of "Puttin On The Ritz" tonight.

Best of jimmy
    Hillary: "But Bill, she's following me *everywhere*, carrying that bag of secret Benghazi e-mails. She is always just in the edge of every photo taken of me."
    Bill: "You really don't grasp symbolism at all, do you?"

Best of metalgarth
    Picture if you will two Americans who have had power and money beyond the dreams of almost everyone out there. They think it is just another routine stop along the campaign trail but today's stop is in the most politically unfriendly place in THE TWILIGHT ZONE

Monday, November 16, 2015

Time for him to Go


1. Nothing like sucking down some rich Colombian in the morning... also, this coffee isn't bad.
2. "The complete destruction of Amerikka should be complete in 5...4...3...2..."
3. "This is just decaf... who needs caffeine when you can get pure muthafruckin' crystal meth..."
4. "This coffee is cold, black, and bitter... which reminds me, where's M'Chel. She was supposed to be here ten minutes ago."
5. "Can't believe McCain kept this in his ass all the time he was in that Viet Cong prison."

Best of I am not a robot
"Eleven minutes from clothes off to walking out the front door... you're getting better Obama."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep, I can just make my tee time."

Best of Mr Hankey
According to my Fit Bit, I've only had 3 cry baby fits today in front of the media.

Best of jimmy
"Now...let's see. The big hand is on the 1-2, and the little hand is on the 1-1, so it's....oh, hell! That skinny hand is going around really fast! Is it 11:12, or....Malaria! Explain this to you daddy."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Time to pork the one I love," realized the President, "Where is Reggie anyway?"

Best of metalgarth
I should be able to get to Dick Lick Park by 5 this afternoon

Best of curly
"Thanks to my Iranian nuke deal, the Doomsday Clock should read about a half second to midnight. Allahu Akbar!"

Best of GregMan
"Cool! Who knew you could get gay p0rn on this thing?"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "I sure wish m'Chel didn't make me wear this tracking collar so prominently..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Oh, Jeez, look at the time. I've got to go perpetrate another outrage."

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Putin and the Putz


1. Putin: "So tell me, Mr. Obama. How is it that you have been bombing ISIS for over a year, and yet the French just now are bombing their headquarters?"

2. Putin: "No, Mr. Obama, you may not bum a Menthol Kool off me."

3. "No, Mr. Obama, I will not attempt to cuckold you with your wife; I prefer women."

4. "By the way, if your vice president gropes my wife in the shoulders again, I will rip off his arm and shove it up his ass."

5. "You know, Mr. Obama, this is usually the point at which I say, 'but first, you will blow me,' but after what I saw in the KGB files about your history at, how do you say, 'Man's Country,' I do not want any part of me in any part of you."


Best of John Schneider
ORA:
Obama: Rolled a 20, that's a critical hit!
Putin: Gotta roll again to confirm.
Obama: OK here goes....dammit, a one! Sunovabitch!
Putin: Maybe next time you'd like to play Catan?


Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
No Barry, I do not have any three's. Go Fish!

 
Best of GregMan
"So these two pantsuit-wearing bulldykes walk into a television studio..."
 

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"No, that's the deal; you sing one chorus 'Camptown Ladies' up on stage there, in front of press, with cakewalk; I stop bombing your Syrians for one week. Final offer. Take it or leave it! And I want plenty 'doo-dahs'out of you, Buckwheat!" 

Best of I am a robot
Okay, let's see if we have this all worked out, for the first twenty minutes you will give the gimp over here a shirtless back rub while I watch and watch porn. Then he will turn around and... are you writing all this down Huma?
 
Best of Rodney Dill
"No I'm sure it has to be Tuesday for a Royal Fizzbin."

Best of jimmy
Putin: "What is this? NO, for the last time I'm NOT going to do cocaine with you! The last time you talked me into doing lines, we ended up in a 'four-gy' with Merkel and Khadaffi."
 
Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Obama: "Is it Col. Mustard in the library with the lead pipe?"
Mr. Putin: "Nyet"
 
Best of Rodney Dill
"You'd do it for Randolph Scott."

Best of Mr Hankey
....but you were very clear Mr Obama that you would have more power after the election. So where is my NFL franchise?

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Vet's Day One Shot

I *had* something for Veteran's Day but ... long story short... I can't get to it.


Best of Son Of The Godfather
Dudes, I would so watch a series called "Midget Cops".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
No one dare speak of the mentally challenged son of Optimus Prime.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Putin and Carnac

Brender


1. "In Post-Soviet Russia, fortune reads you."
2. "Robin Williams? I thought you were dead."
3. A: Gunga din. Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
4. A: Executive action. Q: What does Obama look for when he hits up Man's Country?
5. A. A cartwheel, Justin Bieber, and Hillary Clinton Q. Name a stunt, a runt, and a ….

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
Don't you remember? We met at Dick Lick Park......

Best of Rodney Dill
A: Blood, Sweat and Tears
Q: Name the three most unpopular flavors at Baskin-Robbins

Best of Rodney Dill
A: O-Gee-Whiz
Q: What does NASA call its new zero gravity toilet?

Best of Double the U
The Russian "I dream of Genie" adaptation lacked some of the charm of the original

Best of metalgarth
A: Santa Claus, Effective Leadership and Poop Swastikas
Q: Name 3 things that most likely have never been seen or have never existed at Mizzou

Monday, November 09, 2015

Cankles and Madcow


1. A picture that reminds us all how many of America's problems could be solved with a small amount of nerve gas.

2. "Rachel, pull my finger."

3. "Well, tell Ellen she can go ahead and keep the strap-on, but I want my nipple clamps back."

4. "Oh, Rachel, I would never ignore your pleas for help if you were being attacked by terrorists in a Middle-East sh-thole."

5. "Chris Hayes asked me if I he could borrow a tampon earlier. Is there something I should know?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey Rachel, see if you can guess who I ate with last night..." blows in her face.

Best of Nate
Hillary, I'm flattered, but aren't you already married?

Best of Best of
Honey, screw the commercial stuff... just use vinegar and water.

Best of GregMan
Two bull-dykes wearing pantsuits walk into a TV studio...

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
I think you'd look fabulous in a green camel toe jump suit!!

Best of Mr Hankey
God darnit, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"Didn't we share a foxhole back when I was a Marine?"
"No, we shared a fox's hole whose name was 'Maureen.'" - V

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oink, oink, OOOOink."
"Moo Moooooo Mooo Moo."
"Oink oinky oink oink."
"Moo Moo Moo Moooooo Moo moo"
...

Friday, November 06, 2015

This Just Made Me Laugh

View post on imgur.com

"Damn! Well, I guess we gotta call Michael Moore and tell him his automatic Chee-to feeding machine still has some kinks to work out."

Sorry I'm Late

Moar here


Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Rectum... Almost killed him!

Schneider


1. Wow, that fella sure does like corn!

2. "Democrat Party Metaphors! Get Your Democrat Party Metaphors!"

3. "Oh, yeah, I see your problem. Hand me that 5/16 wrench, would you please?"

4. "The acoustics in here are amazing!"

5. Rehearsals started this week for "Goatse: The Musical."

Best of Dr. Doom
Yoga parties at Barney Frank's house are not for the faint of heart but they are a great place to get Richard Gere's autograph...

Best of Rodney Dill
    OMG... It's full of stars!

Best of Nose
    I found some more of your emails, madam secretary....

Best of jimmy
    Quentin Tarrantino's Christmas card photo

Best of metalgarth
    "How the Headless Horseman stays in shape after Halloween"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Well I see Greg Lougayness is still diving.

Best of GregMan
    Morning calisthenics on Folsom Street were about what you'd expect.

Best of Dactyl
    When the Hokey-Pokey goes terribly wrong...

Best of Mr Hankey
    Behind the scenes where CNBC staffers were hard at work coming up with questions for the GOP candidates.

Best of dadoctah
    "Hey, I can see my house from here!"

Best of curly
If you like your private health insurance plan’s queef inspector, you can keep your private health insurance plan’s queef inspector. Period.

Monday, November 02, 2015

The Fix Is In





1. And if he can't, his daddy's friends can.
2. A really odd slogan for a Vasectomy Clinic.
3. Unless the problem is illegal immigration, common core, or Republican cronyism.
4. Jeb and his team of highly-qualified illegal immigrant laborers are available for all manner of light contracting work and household chores.
5. If you are dyslexic and read the sign as "Fix it, Can Jeb" the sign makes a lot more sense.

Best of Submariner
    When did Home Depot start allowing day labor businesses to operate out of their shed displays?

Best of jimmy
    Fine Print: "These statements not verified by the RNC. Support of this candidate is not intended to treat, diagnose, or cure any ills of the nation."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Uhm, yes... I seemed to have lost my vehicle on the roof of a Holiday Inn. "

Best of Dr. Doom
    Fortunately after the election President Trump set Jeb up in his own little cottage industry - fixing parking tickets at the deportation centers...

Best of metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development.... Jeb goes head to head with Bob the Builder. (ooops, wrong family of self entitled nimrods)

Best of Steve O
    Jeb, Can it.

Recalculating...

Schneider

1. Another Proud Graduate of the Kelsey Grammer Driving School.
2. Time of accident: About 45 seconds after the driver said "Hold my beer and watch this."
3. This sort of thing happens at every Kennedy family reunion. The locals are accustomed to it.
4. "No vacancy! I'll show those assols No Vacancy."
5. "Looks like those Duke Boys missed the Check-In Counter by about 50 feet... vertically."

Best of of
    I'm not a real stunt car driver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.

Best of USMC2841
    Like a drunk neighbor State Farm is there.

Best of jimmy
    "I'll take 'Things That Would Make Flo S#!t Her White Jumpsuit' for $400, Alex..."

Best of metalgarth
    Ted Kennedy spent a night at a Holiday Inn Express last night

Best of Double the U
 You know that time in your life where you are almost too old for the back seat of a car yet too young to get a motel room? Holiday Inn Express has a solution.

Best of metalgarth
 Don't be too proud of this technological terror you have constructed. The ability to drop a car on the top of a Holiday Inn Express is insignificant compared to the power of Disney's lawyers to sue the ass off of anyone for unauthorized use of Star Wars related properties.

Best of curly
    "Thank you for calling Uber tech support. My name is Patel; how can I help you?"

Friday, October 30, 2015

Why I Never Take Public Transport



1. ♪ "The Demon on the bus goes 'Eat your soul, eat your soul, eat your soul..." ♪
2. Every time I use the Metro, I always have to sit next to *that* guy.
3. That's weird. Usually, Valerie Jarrett doesn't even take the Metro.
4. Visine Eyedrop's first attempt at viral marketing was a huge misfire.
5. Laura sighed. Pan-the-Satyr was defying the restraining order... AGAIN.

Best of Submariner
    I thought Reverend Sharpton considered himself ABOVE public transportation?

Best of dadoctah
    I saw that demon from hell on the subway today again. Wearing f**k-me boots.

Best of Rodney Dill
    He'd be scarier, but he keeps humming 'City of New Orleans' by Steve Goodman.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "I am so sick of these m*****f****** glowing-eyed demons on this m*****f******* train!"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Big Bird has really let himself go...

Best of jimmy
Rosie O'Donnell's estranged daughter keeps trying to move on with her life, but her mother refuses to let go.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    That reminds me... Anybody seen Barbara Walters lately?

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Excuse me, sir, but have you heard the good news about the Democratic Party?"

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    Why I always take public transport.

Best of metalgarth
    Slayer's album covers are starting to lose their edge

Best of curly
    "Manspreading' is tolerated by all when you're the Prince of Darkness.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

W.T.F.

Best of dadoctah
Oh, I get it. Another one of those metaphor things you people are always going on about, isn't it?

Best of curly
    “Honey, you’re embarrassing me in front of Buster Posey.”

Best of Submariner
 Not sure: is this the mascots for this year's Folsom Street Fair or this year's DNC National Convention? Inquiring minds want to know...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "That'll do, pig."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "It isn't easy being black and blue," crooned Kermit...

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
    Well, Amy Schumer really is getting edgy these days, isn't she?

Best of Dr. Doom
If you find this distrubing you really don't want to watch the next bit with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Swedish Chef...

Best of Ms. Piggy
    I can't talk right now, I'm going to have frog in my throat.

Best of Dactyl
    And then Hillary woke up.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Return of the Demon Sheep.



1. When the zombie sheep appeared, it became official; The Walking Dead was out of ideas.
2. The artist calls this one, "Hillary Clinton Voters."
3. The reason Ashley Madison never caught on in Australia.
4. The Scottish remake of Village of the Damned fared poorly at the box office.
5. What Barack Obama sees at every news conference. 

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    The reason Ashley Madison did catch on in Islamic countries.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Weresheep?"
    "There."
    "What?"
    "There, sheep. There, castle."
    "Why are you talking that way?"
    "I thought you wanted to."
    "No, I don't want to."
    "Suit yourself, I'm easy."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    This is the part of the movie where they send the black guy to go start the car.

Best of Mr Hankey
    The vigil for Lamar Odom was well attended

Best of Dr. Doom
    Queing up for credentials at the Democratic National Convention...

Best of Steve O
    Googled "gun control advocates."

 

Friday, October 23, 2015

When a Hippie and a Tree Love Each Other Very Much


1. Well, #LoveIsLove, I guess.

2. Violent internet flame wars developed over whether that was really her bush or just a shadow from trees in the background.

3. Some Clinton interns are so traumatized by the experience that normal human relationships are simply not possible.

4. She used to date Keanu Reeves, so this was not much of a step-down.

5. There are no better ways to celebrate Scottish heritage than a nude caber toss.

Magic Eye Picture

If you stare at it long enough,  a motorcycle appears.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

For those who like their coffee overpriced and bitter


They have a unique customer loyalty program. For every four cups of coffee you buy, they give a free cup to somebody else.

Every cup is served by an angry unionized bureaucrat and accompanied by a stern lecture on gun control and sustainable development.

The store later went bankrupt because of spiraling employee pension costs.

Illegal Immigrants: Show your California Drivers License for a 50% discount.