Monday, January 19, 2015

Doorstep Hippie



1. "Wow! Finding an Occupy protester at home at 11AM on a weekday. What are the odds?"

2. Simultaneous thought-bubble: "You look nothing like your photos on M4MBarebackHookup.com."

3. "So, I guess in your case, #BlackLivesMatter more than, say, showers or deodorant?"

4. How Nature Says "I am worthless piece of crap."

5. "So, you say your disillusionment with society began when you were 11 years old and the Safe School Czar paid you a quarter to watch you poop."


Best of metalgarth
In alternate reality X244787, being a Jehovah's witness is a little different

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Nah, this is Smokin Weiner Rd, you want Weiner Cutoff Rd

Best of Best of
You need to know your clientele if you're gonna sell toilet pillows door to door.

Best of Rodney Dill
Seriously man, I'm Jesus, let me in.

Best of Dr. Doom
As it turns out the Metrosexual of the Month Club was not the sensational birthday present that Brian's parents were hoping for...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
(whispered) For the last time, I'm not Charles Manson's love child. Now go away... or I'll keeel you and use your throat as a Fleshlight.

17 comments:

The Expendable said...

"I've told you twice already, it's pronounced 'HAY-soos'. Now get it right!"

Anonymous said...

Hobbits go everywhere barefoot, so Saruman must have bred them with Orcs to create this knee-knocking abomination, known as the Hobo race.

Anonymous said...

The Green Police nab another carbon-wasting criminal after neighbors reported seeing him traipse about his domicile in shorts.

Anonymous said...

The missing lead paint chips are the dog that didn't bark...or, more likely, the tree absent its shrooms

Anonymous said...

Jessie Pinkman fails again at maintaining an assumed identity.

Reporter (off mike): Hey, Jessie--abitchsezwhat.
Jessie: Whut?

Anonymous said...

Sir, I climbed out of my Prius to tell you that your earth sins again this poor, defenseless tray table sicken me. In this neighborhood, our women are loose and our sphincters tight.

metalgarth said...

In alternate reality X244787, being a Jehovah's witness is a little different

chronos z. wonderpig said...

Nah, this is Smokin Weiner Rd, you want Weiner Cutoff Rd

Anonymous said...

You need to know your clientele if you're gonna sell toilet pillows door to door.

Steve O said...

When "Have you met Jesus" meets... Jesus.

Rodney Dill said...

Seriously man, I'm Jesus, let me in.

Kaptain Krude said...

Right: "So then when she opened the door and was wearing just the scarf, I popped the biggest woody, man! Five hours later, it still hadn't gone down!"

Hobo: "That's great, but what are you telling me this for?"

Right: "Dude, I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

champaignken said...

I would like to wish you a Merry Christmas.
You mean happy birthday.

Sort-of-Mad Max said...

"Wow! This hippie smells like two skunks f*cking a bag of onions!"

Dr. Doom said...

As it turns out the Metrosexual of the Month Club was not the sensational birthday present that Brian's parents were hoping for...

Jay Guevara said...

"If you block traffic again, I'm gonna tell your Dad on you."

Carpe Phlogiston said...


Look, I'm really sorry to tear you away from Playstation3. I'm a reporter for WBZ. Did you hear that explosion? Did you know the McGurthy family? Do you ever blink?

-OR-

(whispered) For the last time, I'm not Charles Manson's love child. Now go away... or I'll keeel you and use your throat as a Fleshlight.

-OR-

Slow News Day Teaser
Inflammatory investigative reporter Kurt Dimple interviews Total Apathy LIVE on WBZ!