Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Do the Lurch


1. "Andrew Sullivan is quitting the blogosphere... hold me."

2. "How was I supposed to know 'colle folie' was French for 'Crazy Glue.'

3. "Je suis Bottom." 

4. "There's not a single part of my body that's a 'No-Go Zone,' if you know what I mean and I think that you do."

5.♫ Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi... ce soir? ♬

Best of jimmy
"You KNOW how the smell of ketchup on your breath drives me wild. Take me!! Right here!!"

Best of The Expendable
Herman Munster and Grandpa bury the hatchet after years of feuding.

Best of dadoctah
Los Del Rio have really let themselves go.

Best of Dr. Doom
"No minister it is perfectly alright," assured Mr. Kerry, "the President has told me what a wonderful kisser you are..."

Monday, January 26, 2015

Hipsters in the Winter Snow



You really haven't lived until you've seen two Chris Hayes look-a-likes scratch each others eyes out for the last jar of organic chipotle quinoa.

Best of jimmy
Pandemonium broke out when rumors began to spread that WF was quickly running out of dolphin-safe/preservative-free/gluten-free/HFCS-free/free-range/free-trade/hypo-allergenic bottled water. The fact that it was falling from the skies, for lack of a better term, went right over their heads.

Best of Dr. Doom
In NY the run on organic hot dogs forced WF to redouble their order from the factory on Weiner Cutoff Rd in Secaucus...

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Globamazell

Brender


1. SCOAMF Thoughtbubble, "If I were married to a woman, she would look like Glozell."

2. "No, Mr. President. This is my weave. Get your own damn weave."

3. "Just between you and me, the real source of all the world's problems are the greedy Jews... Hey, we're not recording yet, are we?"

4. "Needless to say, I am way better at eating Froot Loops in the bath tub than you."

Threadwinner: Mr Hankey
I, um, didn't say "Simon Says"

Best of The Expendable
One of them refers to law enforcement officers as "po-po", and has had countless memes highlighting their ridiculous antics. The other one just blew the Hulk.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
You know, that's the same shade of lipstick that Reggie uses....

Best of GregMan
"Mister President, you are so f---ed up it makes me pull my hair out!"

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene moments before the President bows to the Queen of Youtube...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Chef went with your idear of green cheetos for St. Patrick's Day and says it wears off in about 3 weeks.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Metaphor Alert



Best of chronos z. wonderpig
M'Chel's sex toy is loaded onto the transport for her next vacation.......

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"What's the shipping address?"
"Weiner Cutoff Rd."

Best of Jay Guevara
Once she was appointed Secretary of the Air Force, Sandra Fluke instituted some changes.

Best of dadoctah
Uh-oh. Looks like the DoD is up to something not kosher.

Best of Dr. Doom
There is an Aspacher Catering joke in there somewhere but i couldn't drag it up...

Best of Bryan
This pretty well sums up the Obama Strategic Doctrine.

Best of The Expendable
"Wait a minute... you were supposed to loading a shipment of secret sauce on the plane. Back out and go get it... Wait... come back in... no... back up... now back in... annnddd... there's the sauce."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I am so tired of these mother&*^*^ wieners on this mother&*^*^ plane!"

Ang Lee, of course, at the helm.

Best of Best of
RAMMING SPEED!!

Best of Submariner
Bawney Fwank sniffed; "I've had biggah..."

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

.... It Had a Hook In It

1. ORA: "Hercules! Hercules!"

2. Maxine Water's "wig-wrangler" stands by in case things get wild.

3. Obama pointed into the audience. "I didn't get a scream and clap like a f--king retard out of that man."

4. Maxine Waters... the congresswoman voted 'Most Likely to Drown While Standing Outside in a Rainstorm' 13 years running.

5. And then the botox kicked in and she was unable to close her mouth for a week; no one in Congress noticed.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Ohhhh ... de Camptown ladies sing dis song, doodah doodah ...
"Everybody!

Best of The Expendable
Opening her mouth as wide as she can, and holding her hands ten inches apart, Maxine sends a not-too-subtle message to the President.

Best of Mr Hankey
Critics reactions to "Madea Goes To Congress" were mixed.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Someone's in the kitchen with Joybags


1. From the episode of 'Bewitched' where Darren finally wised up and told Sam to use her magic for breast enlargement. (This was, of course, in the Dick York era, not the Dick Sargent era.)

2. "Cooking would be so much easier if my legs weren't encased in a chainlink fence."

3. No one on Voyager could figure out why 'Fifties Suburban Hausfrau' was 7 of 9's favorite holodeck program.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Doorstep Hippie



1. "Wow! Finding an Occupy protester at home at 11AM on a weekday. What are the odds?"

2. Simultaneous thought-bubble: "You look nothing like your photos on M4MBarebackHookup.com."

3. "So, I guess in your case, #BlackLivesMatter more than, say, showers or deodorant?"

4. How Nature Says "I am worthless piece of crap."

5. "So, you say your disillusionment with society began when you were 11 years old and the Safe School Czar paid you a quarter to watch you poop."


Best of metalgarth
In alternate reality X244787, being a Jehovah's witness is a little different

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Nah, this is Smokin Weiner Rd, you want Weiner Cutoff Rd

Best of Best of
You need to know your clientele if you're gonna sell toilet pillows door to door.

Best of Rodney Dill
Seriously man, I'm Jesus, let me in.

Best of Dr. Doom
As it turns out the Metrosexual of the Month Club was not the sensational birthday present that Brian's parents were hoping for...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
(whispered) For the last time, I'm not Charles Manson's love child. Now go away... or I'll keeel you and use your throat as a Fleshlight.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Have You Ever Been This Drunk?


1. "And I only pay $6000 a month for it!" Branden bragged constantly about his New York City apartment.

2. The Safe School Czar always keeps a "cold one" stashed around his office.

3. The last thing Branden remembered was Harry Reid saying, "Drink this, it will help you relax."

4. A wise sleeping choice after a midnight run to Taco Bell.

5. Brenda had heard this was a very slow glory hole, so he brought a pillow.

Best of Best of
A goldfish's idea of human burial

Best of jimmy
After an especially ugly day in the press room, Josh Earnest retreats to his "alone time" in an effort to keep hold of the remains of the soul he sold to the devil.

Best of Submariner
'Ow to speak Bawney Fwank: "The pantwy is wunning wow again..."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Frat House Party = free
Booze = $400
Superglue = Priceless!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

I am stuck in an all-day meeting

See what you can do with this



Best of The Expendable
While his girlfriend shopped for shoes, Bruce amused himself in the mall's new "swordfight" kiosk.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
at least the homeless (sort of) stopped masturbating in public

Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like the new San Francisco voting booths are quite popular...

Best of Best of
You'd think this German engineering would tap into vast reserves of untapped renewable-energy by some fancy electro-chemical process separating human waste. But inside there's a pee-drenched midget fräulein pedaling a stationary bike hooked up to a generator--with a web cam, of course.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The mall architect was convinced the modern ad kiosk planters would be a hit until building maintenance reported they were being mistaken for porta-potties. Advertisers were quietly refunded their money.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Lord of the Flies

Weasel Zippers


1. "Never mind me I'm just... Allahu Akhbar! Ash-hadu anna Muḥhammadan-Rasulullāh!!... chasing a fly from this rug... Ash-hadu an-lā ilāha illā allāh...Just carry on, infidels... I mean, um, comrades."

2. "At, uMmmmm, 'Man's Country,' ... this was my, ummmm, lucky Pierre position."

3. "Good thing I had this, um, copy of, um, 'The Advocate' just um lying around."

4. "Blond Humans Be Bitches, Ha, ain't that the truth. You hear what I'm sayin', Tiger?"

5. "My invisible dog pissed on the rug again. Bad dog! Bad dog!"

Best of Best of
    Who told the idiot about Jefferson's hemp carpet?

Best of Best of
    He doesn't just hate Americans. See how he squats on all of Humanity?

Best of USMC2841
I never knew sweeping Benghazi, The VA scandal and the IRS scandal under there would leave such a lump.

Best of The Expendable
White House Etiquette Czar (on couch): "No, no, no! You're still not bowing low enough! Now repeat after me, 'I am at your service, your Highness.' "

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Dang, I almost got me that podium rat!

Best of curly
President Obama demonstrates how we can use rolled up magazines for self defense after we give up our guns.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
uh Mr President... as much as you identify with muslim countries, we do have indoor plumbing

Best of Dr. Doom
"Bow - 2 - 3 - 4... Scrape - 2 - 3 - 4. Practice makes perfect" thought the President as he performed his daily exercises...

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Drudge Breaking: Sandra Fluke Monument to be Added to Mount Rushmore


Best of Dr. Doom
    Nope... not big enough...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Best of The Expendable
"Ms. Fluke, I'm afraid I have bad news. You've got stalactites, and they're not covered by Obamacare."

Best of Jay Guevara
    Monument closed 5 days every month.

Best of Submariner
    Ice cold.
    Completely rigid.
    Nothing been in it since the last ice age.
    By George! I think you've found a picture of Nancy Pelosi's cant!

Thursday, January 08, 2015

Apologies

Work has been a bitch, and I honestly haven't seen any good pics. So, here's an apology and there are several more here.


Monday, January 05, 2015

Match.com's Greatest Challenge


1. Rachel Maddow required a serious makeover before assuming her hosting duties at MSDNC.

2. "Finished my resume for that internship at the DNC. What do you think, too anodyne?"

3. Someone heard Susan Sarandon was on the market again.

Best of Double the U
    ORA: Wow Vivian and Ric had a love child!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Ah. I see the new Education Department czar is ready to assume his duties.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Winning video application to Harvard.

Best of Jay Guevara
    Sorry, son, Maoism is as dead as your sex life.

Best of USMC2841
    That board game on top is the closest thing you'll ever have to the real thing.

Best of Steve O
    A 5 o'clock shadow and I STILL can't tell for sure if that's a dude.

Best of Dr. Doom
    If Rosie O'Donnell and Bozo the Clown had a love child...

Best of GregMan
Chad actually got quite a few responses to his match.com picture. Unsurprisingly, most of them were from Berkeley.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Butch refused to give up. He knew his gerbil was still alive, dammit!



Neutered Male Monday

I suspect that even without feminism, he wouldn't be inclined toward masculinity.


1. "Man, it's like, there's all this social pressure to be a big butch jock... a big butch jock with strong, yet oh-so-tender hands... (sigh)... but of course, I totally reject that."

2. It's not just in this photo, he's pretty much never in the "top bunk" IYKWIMAITTYD. (If you know what I mean and I think that you do.)

3. "Yeah! Take that Dad!"

4. Other side of sign: "I still support Barack Obama."

5. Other side of the sign, "I just want to put on a tiara and hang around with little girls."

Threadwinner: The Expendable
"I don't want to be manly. I don't want to marry the princess. I don't want huge... tracts of land. I don't want any of that. I just want... to sing."

Best of USMC2841
    Congratulations! You've succeeded.

Best of Jay Guevara
    Not to worry.

Best of Submariner
    Nice to see Pat still in the spotlight after the SNL gig...

Best of GregMan
    Achievement unlocked!

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
    Wish granted, cupcake!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
    Facebook provides subtle clues for parents who don't talk with their kids enough.

Best of Best of
I need feminism because I want my ass kicked in college as it was all through grade and high schools.

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Actually, It Kind of Does...


Best of Dr. Doom
Flip side of sign: The amount of free government contraceptives I deserve is NOT inversely proportional to my Body Mass Index...

Best of Jay Guevara
Funnily enough, I agree with her.

Best of Best of
I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Ms. Stay Puft!

Best of curly
#YakLivesMatter

Best of The Expendable
On her way to the Gaia Empowerment Rally, Darhma is "discovered" by a "niche films" producer. Later that day she signed a lucrative movie deal under her stage name, Maxie Bush.

Best of dadoctah
It does, however, change the amount of cash I can carry with me. So, can I like, get a ride after the protest?

Best of Submariner
Whoa! Sandra Fluke really straightened up her act!

Catering for your Bris


Um... no, thanks... um, really not that hungry, um... anymore.

Kate Says Hi

Kate, Hi...