Friday, February 27, 2015

Teddy Ruxpin in Rendition


1. "For the last time... where is the bomb!"

2. ISIS released another horrifying decapitation video this week.

3. "Oh, bother..." Pooh regretted running afoul of the Chicago PD.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"It's baby powder, I swear it's baby powder!"

Best of Best of
Teddy Ruxpin realizes white privilege in a black world might look good on paper, but carries the weight of the world with it.

Best of Dr. Doom
Encouraged by the Valentine's Day success of its Big Hunka Love Bear, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company rolled out its Giant Pile O Blow Bear for St. Patrick's Day...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Revised CIA Interrogation Techniques
Waterboarding = OUT
Terminator-flattening Hydraulic Press = IN

Best of jimmy
Winnie the Pooh's squeaky-clean image was tarnished this week after secret footage of a 1978 visit to Studio 54 was uncovered in news archives. Eeyore was said to be "greatly depressed" by the news.

Best of GregMan
The Holy Shroud Of Pooh was only brought out for viewing once every few years.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"You're not going to walk away from me this time, you chalk-face whore!" Ang Lee is at it again!

Best of tonn
Seth MacFarlane’s remake of Scarface, starring Ted opens next week, at a theatre near you

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Fun for the Whole Family

Schneider


1. Brought to you by Mutual of Folsom Street.

2. Most popular item in the gift shop: Ass Fragrance.

3. "Suggestion: We stop letting the Safe School Czar organize our school field trip."

4. "So, this where you met mom? That explains the gimp suit, I guess."

5. "I hate sneaking in through the back entrance, it's always so messy back there."

Monday, February 23, 2015

The Laughing Witch


1. "And then I said... 'What difference does it make?'"

2. Delighted Hillary fans cheer as she queefs  the entire Communist Manifesto.

3. "Eeeyaw~ Eeeyaw!"

4. "And then I told them how we landed in Bosnia under sniper fire..."

5. "Dammit, lower jaw, unhinge already. That child isn't going to eat itself."

Best of curly
Nobody could pull off an impromptu Monty Python “I fart in your general direction” impersonation like Hillary.

Best of Nose
"Ouch! Right in the balls"

Best of Best of
Gary Busey has never looked more coherent

Best of USMC2841
If she would have done that for Bill we would have never heard of Monica.

5:36 PM Delete
Best of Dr. Doom
"And then I told the Congressional Budget Committee that our security budget was just fine but we could use a few dozen Priuses," Chortled Hillary

Best of Dr. Doom
"So then I sent Huma's husband out to Weiner Cutoff Road to campaign," laughed Mrs Clinton, "To press the flesh - so to speak..."

Best of Submariner
"The snitch; it brings us pleasure!"

Best of KaptainKrude
ORA: "And then I sent him to China to die!" The recasting of Mimi Bobeck is inspired.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar


Rock Hudson will finally be receiving ... a Memorial Oscar tonight.

Best of Mr Hankey
Obama has Hollywood reconfigure the Oscar to kneel towards Mecca.

Best of Best of
How nice they've commemorated Sally Field getting them to like her--to really, really like her.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Really? A statue commemorating Nick Stokes leaving CSI? Geez, what will they think of next?

Best of curly
Kiki Smith’s famous sculpture, “Obama’s Foreign Policy”, is often used as a metaphor prop when going for ‘weak’ or ‘inept’.

Best of Dr. Doom
"And the Oscar for Best Portrayal of an Amerikkkan Middle Class Taxpayer goes to...", intoned the presenter.

Best of Submariner
The bicycle racks in San Fran are a bit different...

Best of Best of
The gold man's anal cavity has been declared to be “a safe space for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Queer, Questioning, Flexual, Asexual, Genderfuck, Polyamourous, Bondage/Disciple, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism (LGBTTQQFAGPBDSM) communities and for people of sexually or gender dissident communities."

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Air China


1. "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf--king pandas on this motherf--king plane!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"See? It's right here in the guide book! I'm a panda. Pandas, and I quote, 'eats bushes, shoots, and leaves!' Now where is your girlfriend? I've got a bush to eat!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"I can see it is Vegan," said Mr. Panda, "But is it Organic? I specifically said I required Organic..." The emergent Chinese economy has created a whole new class of divas...
Best of curly
Dear Penthouse Forum, I never thought it would happen to me....

Best of Nose
Ladies and gentlemen, as we prepare to land please stow tray tables, raise your seats to their full upright position, and check the security of your bear's plastic diaper.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Just whisper three little words to me, Chang.
Mile High Club

Friday, February 20, 2015

Joe Biden as a Ginger Kid


1. Best. Make-a-Wish-Foundation. Gift. Ever.

2. "You know, some would have opted for orthodonture over breast implants, but I think you girls chose wisely."

3. "Your souls are mine!!!"

Best of
Fat kid exhibits Pavlovian response to an abundance of toilet paper

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Decades later in the retirement home, a balding gray-haired Bill O'Reilly admitted the stories he told were embellished. For instance, he never actually made it to first base.

Best of Dr. Doom
Premature ejaculation in 3...2...1...

Best of curly
…and then Dawn’s tits exploded.

Best of Submariner
Ron Weasley got a bit chubby during 4th year, didn't he?

Best of Mr Hankey
Kyle knew what he was doing when he saved his allowance for a whole year.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Something for Everyone

Something for Dub... should he be lurking

Something for everyone else.


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

50 Shades of Banana

Schneider


Best of tinman
Double-ended dildo: you're doing it wrong.

Best of Dr. Doom
Apparently Chiquita has determined that middle aged bisexuals are an underserved demographic...

Best of BPatMan
Mom!!! OMG! Stop posting pics of you and Dad on twitter!

Best of Best of
Ladyboy and the Tramp, the prequel to

One Thousand and One Sterilizations

Best of dadoctah
Sonny and Mary Bono in happier times.

Best of Mr Hankey
"Deep Throat Part Two" suffered from a lack of direction

Best of Nose
Dr Goodall returned to life among her own species, assimilating to most norms. Most.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

That's Our Biden


1. "Om nom nom nom..."

2. "Gee, your hair tastes terrific," Joe Biden's senility is manifested in constantly misremembering 1970's ad campaigns.

3. "Don't bother reaching in your purse, I am immune to all forms of mace."

4. "I put the 'vice' in 'vice president,' baby."

5. "Hey babe, you know what's the difference between you and my scalp? I already plugged my scalp."

Best of Best of
Sorry about my bleeding hemorrhoids ruining that pearl necklace, Sweety

Best of GregMan
"So your husband is Secretary of Defense, gorgeous? Wanna see my cruise missle?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
Brian Williams sent a letter of support. "I know how you felt", he wrote. "Let me tell you about the time I met Bill Clinton..."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"Bat Cave, 10 minutes!"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"Look, I know I'm not Ray Bradbury...."

Best of curly
"Were you born on a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise a cock".

Best of The Expendable
"I've got something else that's a big effing deal..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hey baby, how 'bout we call up a couple of Somali cab drivers I know and make a party of it," cooed the Vice President, "What do you say?"

They're Magically Delicious


Best of Dr. Doom At least she is not getting her Kix below the waist... Best of Nose Orange Stars, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, sure, but what the hell is this pink taco? Best of curly It’s Queefilicious! Best of Best of Pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, and a brown Ford Probe.

Friday, February 13, 2015

And Some People Say This Guy Is a Superficial Narcissist


1. The SCOAMF finds a way to spend Valentine's Day with the one person he truly loves.

2. Why ISIS ... really isn't worried.

3. SCOAMF Thoughtbubble: "If I could find a way to do this and play golf at the same time, my life would be complete."

4. "So this is what I look like with a buttplug."

5. "Man, I am starting to look like that old fart on the rice box."

Best of curly
Obama seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself during his visit to the Teleprompter Museum.

Best of Best of
Bart Simpson: "When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad."
Bart then imagines himself morbidly obese on a talk show
Fat Bart: "I wash myself with a rag on a stick!"

Best of Dr. Doom
The President's handlers funded the NSF sparing no expense to create the Micropromter 3000 so that Mr. Obama could properly channel Mr. Soros. The plan would have been flawless if not for the gate on the West Lawn (and all of the windows in the White house of course)...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
BIDEN! I saw that! If you shoot one more spit ball at my ass, I'll have you hung!

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
That's odd. I can't see a reflection.

Best of Best of
I require Malaysian boys to cane. Butler, fetch me some impudent, quivering flesh that I may purify by deign of my rod --and take this stick with which I touch that nasty Michelle creature

Best of Jay Guevara
Putin: "Yeah, I totally take this guy seriously."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Oh, Reggie Love," Obama sighed to himself. "How the days drag by! How the nights are lonely! Take this humble pictograph to remember how our bodies trembled against each other, and how we will be together again as soon as this wretched assignment is over! O Reggie!"

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Caption This? I Can't Even Explain This


1. "You know, these waiting room chairs are really uncomfortable."

2. "I swear to God, Dad, if you sing 'Shoot that poison arrow through my hear-ar-ar-art' one more time, the next one is going into your nutsack."

3. A young John Rambo's entire adult life was shaped by this one childhood experience.

4. "No, I don't want the apple. It's got your hair product all over it."

5. Timmy would never again attempt to 'play Cupid;' and his parents' marriage dissolved six weeks later.

Best of Double the U
yeah well maybe next time Dad will buy me a Playstation 4 like I asked.

Best of curly
This year’s NAMBLA Valentine’s Day ad was almost Rockwellesque.

Best of curly
Just moments before being harvested for his carbon offsets, Billy’s Dad would quickly discover that his white privilege meant nothing to the ObamaCare Death Panel.

Best of Dr. Doom
On No - I hope that stupid meme is mot trying to make a comeback...

Best of Mr Hankey
Bear hunting at NAMBLA day camp.

Sunday, February 08, 2015

The Real Challenge Is *NOT* Going Staight for the Attenborough References


Best of Mr Hankey
Nobody's dates had a worse Walk of Shame than Tarzan's

Best of David Attenborough
Brunettes are the most popular group in the female kingdom. We feed them and tame them and think we know them. And yet they inhabit a world which is really rather mysterious.

Best of Mr Hankey
When my Fairy Godmother gave my wish, she turned the rabbits to horses, the mice to coachmen and the squirrels to hookers.

Best of Mac
When I'm a hundred I won't be tired of looking at that picture.

Best of USMC2841
In Clinton's fantasy world naked women grow on trees. No, not Bill.

Best of USMC2841
Here we see the American Beaver attacking a tree.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
All the university police would say to reporters was that it was a helluva frat party.

Best of Best of
As you can see,
the skank tree
is in full bloom.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Behold the cougar in her natural habitat, I will stay here in the Jeep while Jim goes over to capture her", whispered Marlin Perkins. Ang Lee's remake of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom was definitely not suitable for prime time...

Saturday, February 07, 2015

Obama's New Safe School Czar Reported to Work Earlier This Week



Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Biden drops all semblance of decorum in the lame duck sessions.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Ghost of Foreign Policy Future visits the President's dream...

Best of jimmy
I'd heard Hillary had disappeared from view to "get some work done" by Pelosi's plastic surgeon. It's an improvement, but definitely a work in progress.

Best of Mr Hankey
Madonna's original design fir her Grammy backup dancers to take attention from her flabby ass.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
ORA: "Can't sleep, clown will eat me!"

Best of metalgarth
McDonald's 1st attempt at increasing customer loyalty went over like Mighty Wings, the Hula Burger, the Salad McShaker and the McAfrica

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Another Ritalin Candidate


1. "Huh, not real... and not even that spectacular."

2. 30 years later, authorities would be baffled by the trail of pale, headless female corpses that stretched across nine midwestern states.

3. Billy's parents took a proactive approach to preventing teh ghey.

4.  The store was leery of firing the Mohammedan who insisted on beheading all of "Infidel Bitch Slut Mannequins" out of fear of all manner of reprisals.

5. "Ah, this takes me back to the good old days when boobs were as large as my head."

Threadwinner curly
Billy’s aspirations to become a TSA agent became apparent at an early age.

Best of Best of
David Bowie or Marilyn Manson Museum?

Best of Dr. Doom
"Nope waaaay too fat," muttered a young Dub...

Best of Billy's friend Johnny
"Head? She didn't have no head." Billy struggles to explain his first sexual encounter.

Best of Best of
This one is nice but I can't reach the drink holder.

Best of Mr Hankey
Kyle was wondering why there wasn't a cool butterfly and dragon tattooed like grandma's.

Best of Best of
Baby's first trip to deBlasio's retro petting zoo on 42nd Avenue

Best of metalgarth
"Catholic Pre School Boys in Trouble" a Samuel L. Bronkowitz production.

Best of Whacko
A young Bruce Jenner has a glimpse of his future.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
CRASH!
It took years of therapy to convince Jimmy that girls' heads don't come off if you touch their bewbs.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hey! Hey, you chalk-faced whore! Well, you're not really chalk-faced, because you don't have a face. But if you had one, you would totally be chalk-faced. Because your skin is... well, it's not really like chalk. It's more of a... well, more of a peach. But 'peach-faced whore' doesn't really have the same sort of, uh, sort of zing to it."

The head writer of Family Guy does some research for an upcoming episode.

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

Things That Have Crotches



1. CDC officials are baffled as Dutch Elm Disease begins showing up in California STD Clinics.

2. If that were Ann Coulter, she would freeze to that tree.

3. Apparently, the Knights who say 'Ni' could not locate a herring.

4. What do you call a woman who pretends to be the girlfriend of a gay ent? A Treebeard.

5. I have a sudden craving for maple syrup.

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
You know it's been a great Lilith Fair when you're so drunk you're convinced you're stopping a tree from tipping over.

Best of dadoctah
I'm normally against reboots of established characters, but I honestly have no problem with the new version of Mary Katherine Gallagher. Superstar!

Best of Dr. Doom
Nasty case of splinters in 3...2...1...

Best of Best of
faerie cosplay is the laeziest of seamstress

Best of Mr Hankey
Julie only "thinks" she was raped by Bill Cosby.

Best of Mr Hankey
Cialis finally gives up on the bathtub commercials.

Monday, February 02, 2015

Huh, Naked Cowboy


1. The man was later hospitalized with a nearly fatal case of shrinkage.

2. "Excuse me, I seem to have missed the exit for Weiner Cutoff." "Apparently so."

3. For once... *not* Florida.



 Best of curly
The divorce court ruling seemed to favor the wife.

 Best of Dr. Doom
"Wait, stop, I'm trying to tell you about Ron Paul," cried Bruce...

 Best of Dr. Doom
The Mayor of Seattle pays off his bet in suburban Boston while muttering, "How do you not run Marshawn Lynch from the one yard line?"

 Best of Carpe Phlogiston
The cops in this area are perhaps a little too tolerant. He was cited for jaywalking and released. They found his frozen body about 3 miles north of here.

 Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "Hey! I'm walking here!"

Sunday, February 01, 2015

Blatantly Stolen

"Please Katy, Kill Me. Every Moment I exist is agony."


Somewhere, Senator Joni Ernst is wondering who stole her Wonder Bread bags."