Wednesday, April 29, 2015

No Riots in the Magic Kingdom

Schneider

1. Quentin Tarantino's Snow White.
 2.  "Remember Kids, Don't do what Snow White does; keep your finger OFF the trigger unless you are ready to fire." - NRA Safety Tip.
3. "And it fires 30 magazine clips per second!" - Any given Democrat or media commentator.
4. I like new ending to Snow White better...
5. Why Baltimore's Disney Store wasn't looted.

Best of The Expendable
    "Say hello to my other little friend."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Kids today's program is brought to you by the letters A and R and the number 15". If PBS were run by the NRA...

Best of The Expendable
    Snow White's AR had a 30 rounds in the magazine, but she only needed seven.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Ever since Far Away Land legalized concealed weapons permits, no one's heard a peep from a single evil stepmother, stepsister, or witch.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Hey man, Disney bought the rights. They can make Stormtroopers look like whatever they want.

Best of dadoctah
    "Who's fairest of them all now, bitch?"

Best of metalgarth
    Guards at the "Tomb of the Unknown Dwarf" take the job pretty seriously

Best of Submariner
    Call me crazy but the guards at Camp Climax get me kinda hot...



Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Ewwwwwwww


1. Hot lesbian make out action... for Subby!

2, Tonight, on a very special Maude... 

3.  Makes you wonder how much surgery and botox go in to keeping Jodi Foster and Ellen DeGeneres from looking like this.

4. Oh, sorry ladies, didn't mean to stumble in on your Episcopalian church service.

5. "You taste like fishsticks. But I don;t remember eating fishsticks."

Best of Best of
    Those neck sacs aren't gonna re-inflate themselves

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I liked the spaghetti scene better in "Lady and the Tramp"...
    Also, that scene didn't make me barf in my mouth.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I imagine the honeymoon as less of a "69" and more of an "88".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Barbara shows off her advanced glass-blowing technique by forming a perfect Frank Castanza.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Cagney & Lacey is still on the air?

Best of dadoctah
    Mr Wizard explains how orbits work.

Best of The Expendable
    I don't understand. If they're both such big Hillary supporters, why is one wearing an "I Love Bush" pin on her lapel?

Best of Submariner
Janet Reno (back left), celebrates as her Mom finally makes an honest woman out of her other Mom.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Sir Elton? Rep. Frank? Table for two? Your table is ready," called the Hooters waitress...

 

Monday, April 27, 2015

Tonight's one-shot

Schneider

'

1. "One more question, Mr. Tyson, what is your position on prison rape?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Must be tax season again...

Best of Double the U
    Kobe! I'm open!!!

Best of Best of
Sport figures really are heroes to our youth--Mike's got that GI Joe/Bruce Jenner indeterminate sexual organs thing down Pat

Best of John Schneider
    Mike regretted eating Lennox Lewis' children almost immediately.

    "Too speithhhhy, he screamed and reached for the Tucks

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Lemmiwinks!!!"

Best of Lilia Hogard
    Give me a chance to show you how works the first class specialist. Just check globalessays!

Best of     Son Of The Godfather
    The crowd went wild during the finale when Mike shot Hollyfield's ear into the audience.

Best of Nose
    "I can feew it coming in the air tonight..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Next time, Mr. Tyson, could you just use your finger to point to the bathroom, please?"

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Boob Check



1. "Got Milk? Yeah, I guess so."

2. Mary Kay LeTourneau was flattered by the attention.

3. "Ah, good. Right where I left 'em!"

4. "Nice nipple ring, mom. Goes great with your biker tattoo."

5. "Bandages? I guess Hillary got rough last night, huh."

Best of Dr. Doom
    A young Dub... oh screw it... you know the rest.

Best of Mac
    Where do we send his "Luckiest Boy of the Week" award to?

Best of Best of
    That lump of Jonathan Lipnickoma could be fatal

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Best of The Expendable
    A young Al Jolson is inspired to write his greatest song. Of course, the prudish sensibilities of the day would force him to change the spelling of some of the lyrics.

Best of Rodney Dill
    My God, It's full of stars.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Hmmm, Mom's wearing the nipple clamps again," thought Little Billy, "Guess I'd better find my ear plugs before bed..."

Best of Submariner
    "Hey good looking; I'll be back to nuzzle you later!"

Friday, April 24, 2015

Uncle Joe, Some Children, and Some Vomit.

 

1. "You little bitch, how dare you make me think of Hillary, naked, doing jumping jacks."

2. "Yup, it tastes like dogsh-t, too. Good thing we didn't step in it."

3. "No, no, no, Alisha. This is how a man does the Missionary position. You just sort of lay there and take it."

4. "Now that, my young friends, is a loogie!"

5. Little girl: "I see you had one of M'Chel's school lunches, too."

Best of Best of
That's what I like about these kindergarten girls; I get older, they stay the same age. Also they don't judge me for overindulging in that paste glue

Best of Best of
    B-I-N-G-O and purge

Best of dadoctah
    Girl in plaid skorts thotbubble: "Guess I was drunker than I thought."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Obama Standard Caption #1: "This mess was already here when we got here. I blame George W. Bush!"

Thursday, April 23, 2015

I'm Still Moving

Sorry about the lack of posts. Just got the internets back this morning.



Here's more.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Oh, Yeah, I Almost Forgot

I am in the midst of relocating from the People's Republic of Maryland to the Middle of America. So, just play with this for a while. I think Schneider sent it. Probably Schneider.


Best of The Expendable
Babs thought to herself, "I'm a shoe-in to win the title of 'Miss Chiquita 2015'. This is easy for a Tri-Delt!"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    The president of the Bill Clinton fan club tweets the members.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Suddenly, Brenda found her popularity with her male office workers zooming.

Best of Best of
    YOU'RE HIRED

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Gee, this application for Camp Climax sure does ask some strange questions."

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Mandalorian

In honor of the new Star Wars trailer.


Best of Rodney Dill
    Bounty hunter.... I don't even know her.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Y'know, that indestructible armor doesn't do you any good when your boobs are exposed like that." Goofus patiently explained. "Just sayin'."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Please prove you're not a robo... heh, okay, un-robotness proven. Carry on!

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    Here's the $20, skip the massage.......

Best of Kaptain Krude
    If your son notices that she's practicing proper trigger technique before he notices what she's wearing, I've got some bad news for you.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Better lose the armor, I'm about to spray midi-chlorians all over those death stars.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "I'll make your Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millenium Falcon. You are free to use any methods necessary but I want them alive - no disintegrations... of my pants!"

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Shake Hand with the Mighty Gonga


1. "Then we have a deal. The young females are mine."

2. "Well, you seem like the kind of idiot rubes who would fall for my hackneyed cliches about helping the middle class."

3. "Mrs... Clinton... you're... crushing... my... hand."

4. "Now, I am going to hold your hand over the candle flame to prove your loyalty."

5. "Don't worry. I would never leave you folks to die in a Muslim hellhole under terrorist attack. Been there, done that."

Best of Best of
    Starbucks takes a page from Walmart's playbook and hires befuddled elderly women as greeters

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "I've been living in a Scooby van down by the river."

Best of Best of
    If a chubby person looks slimmer in comparison to obese neighbors, then this butch stunt casting should pay off for K.D. Lang on the left

Best of Best of
    Larry King fools no one after Lasik and ditching the suspenders

Best of Jay Guevara
    "I like to meet people with diverse views. Which plant are you: the Marxist-Leninist, the Stalinist, or the Maoist?"

Best of GregMan
    "So you're that middle-class I keep pretending to care about."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    "Ok, $20 including head......"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Deal! Let's go, My van's in the handicapped spot out back."

Best of The Expendable
    Just four gals, or variants of, out on the town.

Best of dadoctah
    "What do we have to do to get some nachos around here?"

Best of Mac
    And you must be the C.L.I.T. commander

Best of Dr. Doom
    "So we are agreed then," recounted Mrs. Clinton, "Once I am elected your, Amazon Army is at my disposal for the duration of the overthrow, in return the entire Washington Redsk... er... Native Americans will become your personal slaves..."

Best of Submariner
    Madame Secretary; "I feel like tacos tonight IYKWIMAISTYD..."

Once you have seen it, you cannot un-see it.


1. German man is the Jocelyn Wildenstein of penises.

2. Andrew Sullivan once thought there was a hole in his life that nothing would ever fill.

3. [Insert Tax Day under Obama metaphor here.]

4. Harry Reid's facial injuries explained.

5. Bizarre sex fetishes are to Germany what drug-involved shootings related to domestic relationships are to Florida.

Best of Verdoppeln Sie die U
    √úberkompensation

Best of Submariner
    Once he entered the Blue Oyster, it became a table, IYKWIMAISTYD...

Best of Submariner
    Ja, Liebkin; You vant a real man, not some puny liddel brown sukkah. I'm a man vat vill pump, YOU up!

Best of Submariner
    Hugh Jackman's latest roll really takes him out of his comfort zone, eh?

Best of Dr. Doom
Ang Lee's remake of The Spy Who Loved Me was disturbing but very well received in San Francisco...

Best of Best of
    Now that disney owns staR warS,
    Dark Helmets origin can be explained

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Hillary's is bigger.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    New Mad Max = pass.

Best of Dactyl
    What Mal Reynolds does on his days off is nobody's business but his.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Couldn't find a good picture of Hillary, so, whatever...






1. "Full body cavity searches, officer? Awesome!"
2. "Eat gravel, pastor!"
3. "Faster! The T-1000 is gaining on us!"
4. In the 'Brady Bunch Alternate Ending,' Carol put it into reverse and gunned it right into a gasoline truck.
5. "So, she left it in Neutral on a hill next to a lake. I guess Mom has a new boyfriend."

Best of Best of
    A Country Squire to make Harry Reid perspire

Best of dadoctah
    The unaired "very special episode" of My Three Sons explored Ernie's other side.

Best of Submariner
    "Meals To Go" makes a delivery to Hillary.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Hey Dad... The dog crate's missing from the roof again."

Best of The Expendable
    "Run faster, Skippy! We're almost there!"

Friday, April 10, 2015

Another Heteronormative Microagression Trigguer

Schneider

1. Some white girls find the traditional mating call ("I'm SO drunk") too subtle.

2. ORA: The Bluth's edgy web ad brought a lot of business to the banana stand.

3. Jackie's impression of "Every MSNBC Host" was always a crowd-pleaser.

Best of Best of
Pity not Willis for his troubled youth after Diff'rent Strokes; pity him because Sarah Silverman will never stop providing succor.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Baby Please,I'm not from Havana."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Chocolate milk" can be both a noun AND a verb.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    How Obama gets Harf to stop saying silly shit.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Will.... oooh, that's what'chu talkin' 'bout! Yeeeeeaaaaah!"

Best of The Expendable
    D'Shawn is living vicariously through Muffy.

Best of Dr. Doom
Suddenly everywhere across the time-space continuum an infinite number of Dawns' heads explode simultaneously causing an immediate increase in the IQ of the multi-verse...

Best of USMC2841
    Once Bill heard he may be back in the oval office he hired the folks at American Idol to screen the interns.

Best of Submariner
    You know how to whistle, don't you, sugar? Just pucker up your lips and blow...
    Me.

Best of Rodney Dill
    "OK... you can open our eyes now."

Thursday, April 09, 2015

Gun Boob


Best of The Expendable
    9mm's? Hell, more like 36mm's. Am I right?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Camp Climax, eh? We'll see about that!" Rhonda decided she could handle her own Climaxes, thank you very much.

Best of Best of
Jan Brady: Well, all day long at school I hear how great militia is at this or how wonderful militia did that! Militia, Militia, Militia!

Best of USMC2841
    An army of two.

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

That's No Teleprompter


Best of Best of
   ....and then the greedy old white men took away the opportunity for all blacks and women to ever become anything in America.

Best of The Expendable
    "...and then the... umm... the evil white police officer told the... young Michael to... umm... to get off the street. Young Michael said... umm... he said, please sir, I'm on my way to visit my... umm... visit my grandmother and bring her some chicken soup and some... umm... some Swisher Sweets."

Best of Jay Guevara
    "Feets, do yo' stuff!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    The college records finally unsealed, Barack is forced to present his thesis on Constitutional Law.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The President was caught off guard by Billy's question; "How can you be such a stuttering clusterf**k of a miserable failure?"

Best of Steve O
    What the Iranians see every day. And the Russians. And the Cubans. And the Syrians...

 Best of Dr. Doom
    President: "And then the big bad wolf, um... Bob the teleprompter is frozen again..."
    Tech: "For the twelfth. time sir, that is not a teleprompter - you have to turn the page."
    President: "But then it will be upside down won't it?"

Monday, April 06, 2015

Rahm Meets the Voters


1. "Shut that brat up or I'm locking her in the box with the Safe School Czar." 

2. Now place the child on the altar and I will begin the chant. "Hail, Shub Nuggurath, goat of the woods with a thousand young!"

3. "Oh, come on, you pussy. I didn't hit you that hard." 

4. "Oh, stop bitching. The soft spot on her head absorbed most of the impact."

5. "Hey, is it my fault the little shit can't deal with life's harsh realities?"

Best of Best of
    She does not want to be held close to tiny dancer, seamstress for the band

Best of jimmy
    "No, mommy, don't make me vote for him again. He scares me!"
    ---Chicago elections are unlike any other in the nation

Threadwinner
    We'd better get back because it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night. Mostly.

 

Saturday, April 04, 2015

Easter in all its Creepy Glory


1. Wow. Harry Reid's Family Album explains so much.
2. Some of these Rorschach blots are just plain entrapment.
3. "You didn't find any eggs, Ricky? Aw, that's too bad. I guess you know this means the rabbit demons are going to drag you to Hell."
4. You may find it creepy, but a Christian baker was sued for refusing to bake a cake for it.
5. "And when we merge into one entity, you'll be one with us, Ricky. One. With. Us."

Best of dadoctah
    Hugh Hefner: the moment of imprinting.

Best of Dr. Doom
    A young Elmer Fudd goes through aversion therapy...

Best of metalgarth
    Jimmy Carter's first experience with rabbits explains so much too.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Those Energizer Bunny nightmares keep going, and going, and going...

Best of The Expendable
    Just as Santa has Krampus to deal with naughty German children, M'chelle has her minions to deal with chubby school children who won't eat their state-mandated salads.

Best of Submariner
    ...and then young Eric Cartman grabbed them both by the carrot and screamed some inanity about the rabbits being Jews bent on corrupting the world!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    ORA: "Can't sleep, rabbit will eat me.... can't sleep, rabbit will eat me.... can't sleep, rabbit will eat me.... can't sleep, rabbit..."

Bwahahahahahaha


Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Mooch on Drums


1. "Don't you turn your back on me you ... cornmeal faced whore!"
2. And then the FLOTUS beat her host to a pulp for "running all the stores and ripping off all my sisters in South Central."
3. "Sticks and stones may break your bones... I've always wanted to test that theory."
4. "Pssst, sister, how many batteries do these take?"
5. "It's Asia, so I swapped my eatin' shovel for chopsticks. Now, where's the buffet?"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    "why did they give me Barry's sex toys???"

Best of Best of
    Must hoard all the bread sticks

Best of Best of
    I always suspected it'd sport wood around a petite asian girl

Best of The Expendable
    M'chelle thawt bubble: "These people have no rhythm."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    The Klingon ritual of Chu'Bakka is seldom discussed with outsiders.

Best of Kaptain Krude
What the...? I don't remember that shirt being in The Return of the Jedi! Has George Lucas been messing around with the endings again????

Best of dadoctah
    "Aiieee! Goji..."
    I mean...
    "Garfunkel and Oates have really let themse..."
    ...I mean...
    "Comedy Central roast of Justin Bieber. Ur doin it ro..."
    ...oh, screw it. I got nothing.

Best of Best of
Row the slave galley in time to my beat, commrades. Capt. Obama's not going to let you blackslide on Progress:
    envy *boom* demagoguery *boom* hyperbole *boom* dishonesty *boom*

Best of Best of
    Bang the whole marching band and they'll make you an honorary drummer too