Sunday, May 31, 2015

Monday Morning Nightmare Fuel


1. Hillary's handlers notes: "Remind Mrs. Clinton not to bite off their still living heads while cackling, 'Take that, you idiot American voter!'"

2. And all this time you thought her fish breath came from Huma.

3. "Normally, people like 'em poached or seared, I never anybody just suck the precious lifeblood out of them."

4. Give Hillary a fish, and she'll eat for a day. Give Hillary a $3,000,000 under-the-table "donation" and she'll let Bill fly out to pedophile island on your private jet..

5. "Um, that was the bait, Hill."

Friday, May 29, 2015

Drinkin and Smokin'



1. And the first meeting of the Young Democrats is brought to order.

2. Jim Henson's Great Gatsby Babies.

3. A young Hillary Clinton hangs out with a young Harvey Fierstein, circa 1912.

4. "So, young lady, I'm guessing this is your first time at Rosie O'Donnell's annual Naked Lesbian Picnic."

5. From the way she's chugging that fifth of Jim Beam, one supposes that whatever Hillary did to her was far more traumatic than the brutal anal sodomy Harry Reid inflicted on the young lad.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    "Of course I drink, my boyfriend smokes cigarettes instead of smokin' me!"

Best of dadoctah
    The Greater Portland Boys & Girls Club needs your support.

Best of Best of
    Rachel Maddow's bff just couldn't wash that taste out of her mouth.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks like two more young Millenials just got a peek at the national debt...

Best of GregMan
    Boy: "Yep, that Proactiv sure was a game changer."

Best of The Expendable
    "Hey Claire, my Uncle Bill told me about this really neat thing you can do with a cigar. Wanna try?"

Best of The Expendable
    Little Johnny: "Susie, don't you smoke after sex?"
    Little Susie: "I don't know. I've never checked."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Put that down and take a letter, Betty. 'One more thing V the Koward, I'm tired of you presenting yourself as some holier than thou do-gooder Christian.' Read that back to me once you sober up."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    Susie just discovered that Johnny will grow up to be Pajama Boy......

Best of Submariner
    We'll return to "Maureen Dowd; The early years" on Oxygen after these messages from our commercial sponsors...

Best of Submariner
    "So whaddaya think, Babs? Should I have my foreskin pierced or not?"

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Another Open Thread, 'Cos I Got Nothin'


Best of Brew-Jay
    Wir Suchen Dich!

Best of Best of
    Jacksonian-curious wants to get his hands on old hickory

Best of Best of
    Doing the jobs one-in-three Amercians on TV do

Best of Best of
    Inside the Actor's Studio wardrobe

Best of Dr. Doom
    Ang Lee's reboot of Three's Company was definitely not ready for prime time...

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    "I'm not gay." ..... yea, right

Best of The Expendable
    "I made twenty dollars posing for an acne medication advertisement!"

Fun with Optical Illusions


Best of Brew-Jay
    Wir suchen dich!

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    insert tab A into slot B

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "That's right, babe... AND it's double jointed."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    They have quite a different treatment for acne in 'Frisco.

Best of satted
    And this my friends is how to cure Acne...

Best of Best of
    Don't forget to sign up for membership rewards at Boogie Nights Mall

Best of Dr. Doom
Shortly after this photo was taken Bobby was hired as the 'Head' Counsellor at Camp Climax for Girls...

Monday, May 25, 2015

SCOAMF in Repose


1. "China White puts me out every time."

2. "ZZZZ... Mmmph... your mother sucks cocks in hell... Zzzzz."

3. "Zzzz... But these are girl panties Mr. Davis... Zzzz."

4. For the next hour, the bastard won't be doing any damage to the country. You're welcome."

5.  "Zzzz... Death to America! Allahu Akbar!... Zzzz."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Mr.Freddy Krueger, it's up to you now...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Well, I was going to suggest dipping his hand in a bowl of warm water, but by the stain there, I see we won't be needing it."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Nothing says "remembrance" like a Memorial Day ice cream shoot followed by a well deserved nap.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Zzzz... A beer, Mr. Tsarnaev? Why that sounds delightful.... zzz"

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "Zzz... A game of solitaire? Why yes, that would be a good way to pass the time...zzzz.... Why look, it's the Queen of Diamonds ....zzz"

Best of Jay Guevara
    "I'll take visual metaphors for $500, Alex."

Best of Submariner
    zzz... smelly, um, smelly pirate, uh, um hookers... zzz

Best of jimmy
Coincidentally, all the other pods from outer space also had that "Change We Can Believe In" posters near them when the victims fell asleep.

Best of Dr. Doom
POTUS: "Oh it has horrible 'chele. there were windows everywhere and they looked just like doors... and a gate but I couldn't get my umbrella through... and I couldn't find my tiara... and Putin was mean to me..."

Best of Steve O
    "I'm a better napper than any of my advisers..."

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Meet ‘Patrick’: The robotic proctology-simulation ass

Das Link

1. "Hello, Mr. Andrew Sullivan? Yes, this is the medical college. We, um, will no longer be requiring your services.... Oh... Oh... please don't cry Mr. Sullivan."

2. The Wii's new interface was aimed at a niche demographic.

3. I see some got his 'Folsom Street Fair Practice Kit" today

4. New from Ronco, the "Dan Savage Love Tester" is a great icebreaker at the singles bar. 

5. The napkin dispensers at Barney Frank's house were tres avant garde.

Best of Double The U
    What the hell is that "Dr." Andrew Sullivan doing to these things? This is the third one we had to repair this year.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    OK, now read line 3 of the eye chart.....

Best of Best of
    Gameplay's a little immersive on the new Nintedo console
Best of The Expendable
    A newly-recruited IRS agent completes the last part of a rigorous training program, how to conduct an audit of a Tea Party member.

Best of dadoctah
"Department of Health? What gave you that idea? These are going to Homeland Security for TSA training."

Best of The Expendable
Lloyd wasn't a real proctologist. No, he was just the night janitor at the Bay City School of Ass Studies. He spent hours polishing poop chutes and cleaning corn holes. But thanks to San Francisco's new minimum wage, he made nearly as much as a real proctologist.

Best of dadoctah
 Not sure what it means that I just noticed this, but the intern is left-handed.

Best of Submariner
    "...and that, kids, is how I met your mother."

Best of Dr. Doom
Check out the latest from Google Labs San Francisco based Virtual Reality Group...

Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like Milton Bradley has 'updated' their Operation game to better fit into the new millennium...

Best of Rodney Dill
    OMG.... its full of stars....

Thursday Being On Time For Once



Plenty Moar where that came from

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Sometimes She Forgets Her Broom


1. "Look at my booger everyone!"

2. That Twilight Zone episode could have been a lot more terrifying if William Shatner had looked out of the plane and seen... this.

3. "We realize you have a choice in flying options... and you made a bad one."

4. Hillary's campaign jet, The Flying Sybian, departs for another day of scripted questions from hand-picked Democrat stooges.

5. "Airplane always make me excited; ever since my first lesbian affair with Amelia Earhart. Of course, I had to make sure she'd never tell anyone."

Best of jimmy
    Where's that Bosnian sniper fire when you need it most?

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
After this flight USA Jet Airlines painted over the "Welcome Aboard"

   Best of The Expendable
Grasping it firmly in her clenched fist, the scorned wife holds it up and screams at her bloodied husband, "You'll never see Little Willy again!"

Best of BPatMan
    I'm wearing my Depends ... and I'm ready to fly!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Hey, anybody wanna whiff of Huma?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    If the camera "adds ten pounds", there must be a group of asian tourists close by.

Best of Best of
    Wronged grandmother wanders aboard, recalling Wright brothers with whom she scored

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Better, better, Mrs. Clinton, you're doing much better," the commercial producer said over the intercom. "It's definitely an improvement over the last hand gesture that you gave the audience. But maybe, this time, you could go with our original idea of just a hand wave? Please, Mrs. Clinton?"

Monday, May 18, 2015

So Long Angsty Period Soap Opera


Remember the first time you watched Mad Men and it was like, "Wow, this is cool, a TV show where they smoke and treat women like crap." And then the second time it was like, "This show sucks, all they ever do is smoke and treat women like crap."

1. And they shared a single thought, "This office needs more beige."

2. "True, one day all of the secretaries will be replaced by email... and internet porn."

3. "You know, Don, if people in this company could stop drinking, smoking, and whoring for five minutes, we could take over the world. If..."

4. ORA: "Well, Megan, if you want to know the truth, I'd rank you better than the wife of the potato chip guy but not as good as my daughter's teacher."

5. ORA: "Did you hear about that trainwreck in Philadelphia?" "When did Betty go to Philadelphia?"

Saturday, May 16, 2015

A Matter of Perspective

Open Thread. By the way, my old email is dead. Long live the new email: vikingthekitten-at-gmail.


Best of The Expendable
Barbara lived a complete and happy life, despite being born with no torso or arms, and her head facing backwards.

Best of Best of
    Sophia gestated Nugget porn

Best of jimmy
 This recently-unearthed archival footage shows VtheK's first foray into second-rate pornography. Talk about beginner's luck.

Best of Best of
    Every magician should close the act with his assistant's disappearing door knob trick

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The Rodham Womyn



1. "Mom, did your laxative just kick in?"

2. Liz Warren presents Hillary with her Indian name, "Resting Bitch Face."

3. "So, mom, when you're president, who are the first four men you're going to kill?"

4. Cankles: "Look at that rack on that one."

5. "So, when I get old, I guess my face will start to decompose too, mom?"

Threadwinner: chronos z. wonderpig
'You know Mom, that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is kind of cute!"


Best of Best of
A supportive, adopted daughter attends all her moms' arm-wrestling meets.

Best of Best of
Mom, when I grow up,
can I kill people too?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Mom, when I asked you if dad is really my biological father, what did you mean by 'What difference, at this point, does it make?'?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Pictures like this make me miss Rodney Dangerfield.

Best of BPatMan
"Mom, Did you have a burrito for lunch, or are your Depends full?"

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Mom, I asked you to have that guy holding the Howdy Doody puppet killed after the last time he showed up. Slowing down in your old age??"

Best of jimmy
Chelsea: "Oh, look, mother. Is that one of those 'poor' people you write all those speeches and tell those stories about? Can I touch it? I've never seen one up close."


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Perverted Monor Edition

Chronos von Wunderschwein


1. "What cruel hoax is this!!"

2. "And no one cares that I'm desecrating this stature of Sacajawea? Cool."

3. And another male oppressor "rapes" all women --- according to every college SJW in the world.

4. "It actually is a bottle, my moms are very avant-garde."

5. "Baby's first erogenous zone," a new collector plate from the Safe School Czar collection.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Guess What, M'Chel Is Complaining Again


1. "And I know some of you chalk-faced whores have worked really hard to get to this day..."

2. "And in this racist shithole of a county, crackers are always giving me shit about a black woman taking vacation... like I don't work the other three months of the year!"

3. "Grievance #326... I was promised french fries for this speech, and I ain't had no mutha-f--kin' french fries... Grievance #327..."

4. "And in conclusion, love is a lie, life is a meaningless existential hell, Kill whitey, peace out and good night."

5. "And I want to thank the university administration for finally providing me with a plate that is right-sized to my eatin' shovel."

Best of The Expendable
    M'chelle proudly displays the medal she was awarded in the Flava Flav Rap-Off.

Best of GregMan
    "Kill da joos!"

Best of Best of
    A bitter Captain Pike beeps in anger--and not only when putting its wide load in reverse

Best of Best of
Deacon Jones describes how going upside a linesman's head gives him the edge needed to sack the QB

Best of Kaptain Krude
 "... and in conclusion, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do... for ME!! Now bring me my supper!"

Friday, May 08, 2015

Gigitty

I trust monors can do better than the weasels did...


1. "Where de... Oh, there they are."

2. "Seriously, the guy's so dumb he falls for the pull my finger trick every time."

3. "Let's just say at Camp Climax... I'm what's known as the 'head' counselor."

4. "See those people behind the counter working minimum wage? Give us another year, and they'll all be replaced by illegals working for half the minimum wage."

5. "Say, why don't we slip into the ladies room and I'll show you how I got my nickname, 'Plugs.'"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
Barry "why does he get all the women? Oh wait, I'm gay"

Best of Best of
    Whoa, did you see that? Over there! Whew, that was close--it almost hit us. My heart's racing. How about I check yours?

Best of Submariner
    "...and right over there is the window that the Kenyan thought was a door to the East Wing..."

Best of Best of
You ought to see the ceiling fresco in the Oval Office; it's best viewed while lying on some desk they put in there.

Best of Mac
    Look over there while I see how close I can get my hand to your tit.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"... so then, I was parking my Ferrari (you can see it over to the left there if you squint a little bit) out in front of that big White House (which we call the White House) and I was telling my butler (that's him over there by the door) that we really need to have somebody clean the pool ever since that one girl nearly drowned (lucky they hadn't revoked my C.P.R. card yet) and - Hey, has anybody ever told you you look a little bit like Nancy Pelosi?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "When he gets upset, we call him Django: Unhinged... He's right behind me, isn't he...:

Best of jimmy
"I just loved it when you and that Keemo Reid kid drove that bus across town and mowed all those people down! Makes me want to be a bus driver!" ---Obama can barely contain his disgust as Joe Biden once again mistakes some random person for Sandra Bullock. Shortly after this photo was taken, the woman kneed Biden in the groin and fled for her life.

Best of The Expendable
"That's right, Toots, right through the front door! That's how I got the Jehovah's Witnesses to stop coming to my house."

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Mighty Mighty

Schneider

1. The Ugandan Army recently announced plans to up-armor its assault vehicles.

2. One ton of bricks about to be delivered to another American voter who really believed Obama was a patriotic moderate.

3. Pink Floyd's original cover art concept tested poorly.

4. Man's Country unveils its mobile glory hole.

5. Looks like ISIS caught another woman reading.

Monday, May 04, 2015

The Pantsuit Sings


1. So hard to look at this and not think, "I'm melting... melting... what a world!"

2. "How about you foreign businessmen just throw money at me in large bundles and I'll see how much I can catch."

3. Joss Whedon introduces the main villain in the next Avengers movie: 'The Red Pantsuit.'

4. "Calgon... take me away." Calgon, of course, being the Clinton's nickname for the $150Million Gulstream Six purchased for them by the Sultan of Brunei.

5. "Don't cry for me Argentina... just deliver your donations in untraceable bonds made out to the Clinton Global Initiative."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "I call on thee, Great Cthuluu!..."

Best of The Expendable
    "My stigmata's gone!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Vagina Monodog

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    "Huma!! Come to me!!""

Best of BPatMan
    Thanks to Depends Undergarments, I am free!

Best of Kaptain Krude
 "Who wants a hug and a kiss from me?", Mrs. Clinton asked the gathered crowd, and closed her eyes in expectation. Things got a little awkward after 20 minutes had passed.

Best of Best of
    Overcome with emotion, Bruce Jenner is about to thank fans for their support

Best of Best of
    "Serenity NOW!"
    "Oh, you're a Seinfeld fan, Mrs. Clinton?"
    "No--I want National Org. of Women's hot receptionist, Serenity."

Best of GregMan
    "Worship me, peasants! Worship me!!!"

Best of USMC2841
    I once deleted an email server this big.