Monday, June 29, 2015

Worth Tearing Down Our Republic

"They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.” — Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy


Best of dadoctah Who decided the Teletubbies even *needed* a reboot?  

Best of Kaptain Krude Because this picture screams "Dignity". /No, seriously, literally screams it. //It's a high-pitched scream, though.

Best of Brew-Jay Fundamentally transformed  

Best of GregMan I think Kennedy is the one in the red.  

Best of Son Of The Godfather Great, now I can never eat Skittles again.  

Best of Son Of The Godfather They tried to file a police report that their friend, "Blue" had not shown up as scheduled, but screaming that "One of our members is missing!' while you're dressed like that will only garner laughter.  

Best of Submariner Call me crazy but I think the new Skittles' "Taste the rainbow" ad is only targeted at a niche segment...

Best of W. Smithers "I for one, WELCOME our new flavored condom overlords"

Best of living in interesting but stupid times I know it is marketed towards children but, personally, I think the Transgendered Power Rangers is a terrible show. I mean how many bakers and photographers can you put out of business before it just gets repetitive.

That's a Big Effin' Dog

 Schneider

1. "Did you hear about the Supreme Court, Max? Next year, our turn!" 

2. For once, Hillary isn't the biggest bitch on Cap This. 

3. "Oh, I love it when he wags his tail." 

4. "I found him eating a dead homeless guy in the park." 

5. "Because the apartment complex doesn's allow horses, duh." 

Best of dadoctah
    Velma and Scooby take a quick breather before joining up with the others....

Best of Submariner
    Thawt bubble; "I love a girl that's courteous enough to give a reach-around..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    The day the funny died: TMZ gets its hands on a Marmaduke sex tape.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Because Gay Marriage


1. "It's sticking right in you... also, you've got a dart in your arm."

2. "Darling, I'll never forget where I was when the Supreme Court decision came down.... third stall, men's room, highway 15 rest stop."

3. Tattoo supplies, hair dye, and gel seem to be abundant in the post-Apocalyptic wastelands.

4. "Yes, the economy collapsed and the Iranians turned the eastern seaboard into a radioactive waste, but... dammit... we got our marriage certificate!"

5. "Sorry, jeesh, you get so pissy when all I did was ask for a pen."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    ORA:    "You cawn't even take a shower...with a beautiful woman...without wearing yer jeans! HAW HAW HAW!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    What Boehner and McConnell do on their downtime is nobody else's business.

Best of Mr Hankey
    Scenes from "The Old Dirt Road Warrior"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Ang Lee's remake of The Princess Bride... yada... yada...

Best of GregMan
    "Good thing we have a Supreme Court that just makes sh1t up, huh Bruce?"

Best of Submariner
    Pardon me, kind sir; do you perchance know the way to Brokeback Mountain?

Friday, June 26, 2015

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Yallow Titzling


Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I thought Trump had no chance... until he announced his choice for VP.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I think "Massive Lemons" would be a cool band name.

Best of The Expendable
    I need a six-ton tow strap for my Hummer. Can I borrow your bikini top string?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

#CherLivesMatter

1. Cher is cast in the coveted role of Angela Davis in the Michelle Obama story.

2. It kind of looks like a french poodle is giving birth to her head. 

3. "And I'm pleased to accept GLAADs 'Crazy Old Whore of the Year' Award for 2015..."

4. Cher goes up wearing an Afro wig and throwing gang signs, but it's the Confederate Battle Flag that gets banned.

5. "This wig is a memorial to my dear friend Robin Williams, it was made from hair caught in his drain." (Too Soon?)

Best of dadoctah
    Somebody *really* needs to have a few words with Jan Brady....

Best of if i could turn back time
    The desperately wanting to be trendy Cher now self identifies as an African-American. Tragically, Cher is forever cursed to remain stuck in the 1970s.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Lenny Kravitz looks a lot different up close.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Sweet Jesus, if the carpet matches the drapes someone's gonna need a weed-wacker.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Sonny Bono may not have dodged that tree, but he sure dodged a bullet.

Best of GregMan
    If she's not careful that hair's gonna get declared a National Wildlife Refuge.

Best of The Expendable
    "I don't care how you do it, this is how I do it. Two for the pink and one for the stink."

Best of Submariner
    Cher attempts to shoot spider webs to silence the ET reporter for asking when she's going to realize she's "Over the hill..."

Best of Mr Hankey
    Giving up on being black, Rachel Dolezal announces she now identifies as being Cher.

Best of Dr. Doom
    After a few minutes it became clear that all of Cher's facelifts had rendered her incapable of lowering her arms. Don't even think about what is going on because of her tummy tucks...

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Meanwhile, Back at the Sandra Fluke Children's Playground

Chronos

Best of Brew-Jay
    Mommy, where do smelly pirate hookers come from?

Best of tonn
    Easter Island opens a destination theme park (And the ride is self -lubricating but is down 3-7 days each month)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "No, we didn't find your friend 'Clit Torres' in there... Why are you laughing?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    As a safety feature, it only opens up if you hum some Barry White into it.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    With its negative connotations, I think it's high time for that flag to come down.

Best of Submariner
    Think that's bad? Go look at the "swing" set Andrew Sullivan put up in his back yard!

Best of Rodney Dill
    Look out! THe Oscar Mayer Wienermobile is headed this way again.

Best of The Expendable
    Put a bag over its flag and it looks like any other bounce house.

Best of The Expendable

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Devil in a Blue Pantsuit



1. "Now, some of you may not be familiar with how this works. So, first, everyone puts their car keys into a big glass bowl..."

2. "And I would like to thank our hostess for being able to round up an actual black guy for the photo op..."

3. "Oh, come on, I can't believe that none of you know the words to 'I'm a little teapot.'"

4. "I should also thank the hostess for widening all the doorways to accommodate my hips."

5. "Ok, the toilet's available now. Huma  killed that rat."

`
6. "All right, let's break out the gimp and get this party started." 

7. "Hey... Macarena!" Hillary's attempt to revive memories of her husband's presidency grew ever more desperate. 

8. "Desperate screams for help? I don't hear any desperate screams for help. Bill's probably watching a 'Life time' movie. They're definitely not coming from the crawlspace so there's no reason to check there.'" 

9. "Well someone was supposed to draw a pentagram in blood on the floor..."

10.  "So, you San Francisco hipsters think it would be 'fabulous' to have a transgender president. Well, let me unzip my pants and show you something that will blow your minds!"  

Best of Best of
    "Oh for Christ sake lady, turn your smart phone sideways, if you are going to post a video of me on-line at least do it correctly!"

Best of Jack Reacher
    "...and when you use pre-planning, it's one less worry for your loved ones, after your passing."

Best of Jack Reacher
"It's about time South Carolina removed that racist symbol. Oh, uh, you, boy, get us some coffee."

Best of Jack Reacher
    "Two hands, and neither has a wine glass in it; what's wrong with this picture, people?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "We're called.... The Aristocrats!"

Best of Submariner
    ♪ I stick my clenis in! ♫
    ♫ I pull my clenis out! ♪
    ♪ I stick my clenis in! ♫
    ♫ Then I shake it all about! ♪♫

Best of Submariner
    "...so I ask Jeb if I can borrow his Beaners to serve at a party Bubba and I were throwing, and he gets all upset and bitchy. Turns out they were family members... Ha! I kill me."

Best of The Expendable
    ORA: "I want you to get this frick where he breathes! I want you to find this nancy-boy Bernie Sanders, I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna PISS ON HIS ASHES!"

 

Saturday, June 20, 2015

The Bigger the Cushion...


1. Crowd Surfing at an Indigo Girls show.

2. Young workers unable to support the bloated legacy of a self-indulgent generation. #MetaphorAlert

3. Next week on The Facts of Life: Natalie discovers the Mosh Pit.

Best of Best of
    After this horrible accident, Iron Maiden stopped throwing Twinkies out into the audience

Best of dadoctah
    I turn up my nose at this blatantly obvious Pink Floyd reference.

Best of Rodney Dill
    That's no moon!

Best of Rodney Dill
    Putting the cow in COWABUNGA!

Best of curly
    If Michael Moore had a daughter...

Threadwinner: Son Of The Godfather
    "And what's this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! That's it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello, Ground!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Kevin's fate had been sealed.
    It was wearing size 46-short Levi's, and it was heading straight for him.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Out!"... Even Camp Climax has standards.

Best of
    Another blimp disaster on the fields of Lakehurst, New Jersey--oh, the humanity!

Best of Dr. Doom
    The EU Performance Art Players perform their smash hit, Greece...

Best of Steve O
    Now there's an optimist! (And a crowd of pessimists.)

Best of Rodney Dill
    Oh, the huge manatee

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Jeb Bush Introduces His Campaign Team


1. ORA:  "I don't wanna sound queer or nothin', but don't these guys sound kind of like Depeche Mode?"

2. He was going to hire some American musicians, but it was cheaper just to pick these guys up in front of Home Depot.

3.The job of pleasuring Mrs Jeb! was also outsourced to foreign workers.

4. "You know illegal immigration is an act of love... if you get my meaning."

5. "So sorry, senor, but what is this task, 'Bukkake' you wish us to perform?"

Monday, June 15, 2015

#Hillary Fairy Tales



1. #HillaryFairyTales - "Would you rather I read 'The Magic Disappearing Email Server' or 'The Hundred Million Dollar Foreign Donation That Didn't Effect Policy?"

2. #HillaryFairyTales - "Anthony and the Magic Weiner."

3. #HillaryFairyTales - "Nancy Drew and the Clue in Fort Marcy Park."

4. #HillaryFairyTales - "The Princess and the Dead Ambassador"

5. #HillaryFairyTales - "How Socialism Helps the Middle Class"

6. #HillaryFairyTales - "The Little Girl Who Didn't Know When to Keep Her Bitch Mouth Shut and Had to Be Neutralized."

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Where De White Women At?


1. "Seriously. tryin' to make everybody think she's something she's not. Who does Caitlyn Jenner think she is?"

2. The Hillary campaign attempts its most daring makeover yet.

3. We've replaced her usual textbook with one written by Dave Chappelle. Let's see if she notices.

4. "So, all I need is a Sideshow Bob wig and a John Boehner spray tan, apparently."

5. The 15th Edition is the most comprehensive yet, with five whole chapters devoted to press-on nails and hair extensions.

Best of dadoctah
Quite possibly the best book ever published outlining chess strategies for the player who doesn't move first.

Best of Best of
    Stewardess, I speak jive.

Best of Jay Guevara
    "The worst part is having to stick a fork into a power outlet every morning."

Best of Dr. Doom
    The latest sordid chapter in the Elizabeth Warren saga...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Groovy new look, Jan Brady!

Best of Rodney Dill
    On the other hand, she's the first woman in 20 years that's figured out how to get away with referring to black people as n-----s.

Best of Brew-Jay
    ORA: "Are we awake?"
    "That depends. Are we.......black?"

Best of BPatMan
    Conspiracy theorists take note: Michael Jackson lives!

Best of Best of
    Where are they now? Soledad O'brien edition

Friday, June 12, 2015

Meanwhile, Somewhere in Europe


1. Oh, Madonna, your trashy pleas for attention never fail to amuse us.
2. It's been a while but... "Mom?"
3. Ah, one of Planned Parenthood's new mobile abortion clinics.
4. Somewhere in Kentucky, "Have a good time at prom, kids!"
5. Domino's new Stuffed-Crust-Pizza-and-a-Whore. Delivery in 30 minutes or the whore is free.

Best of Double the U
    And I get in trouble for texting while driving.

Best of dadoctah
    What the hell kind of turn signal is that supposed to be?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "VICTORY!"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    I'm confused, are they headed for or just leaving Camp Climax??

Best of The Expendable
    Jesse James does it again!

Best of Rodney Dill
    Not bad for a beginner, but the Double Spread Eagle is almost as hard as the Triple Lindy.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Why The Long Face?


1. "So, Rubio bought an $80,000 boat. How quaint."
2. No caption, but just noting that this weasel spent more time in the hospital for falling off a bike than he did total for all of his three "purple heart" injuries in Vietnam.
3. "Hello, Mr President, yeah, um, apparently during our last negotiations with Iran, I promised the ayatollah he could marry Sasha and Malaria."
4. "Why didn't anyone warn me that the cooch of Belgian transsexual prostitutes was such a toxic stew?"
5. "What do you mean I'm limited to four enemas a day? I'm the f-cking Pres... Secretary of State you insolent b-tch!"

Best of dadoctah
    I was afraid of this. They waited too damn long to make the sequel to "Napoleon Dynamite".

Best of Best of
    Stables lay down straw over the floor, five star hotels drape towels over the furniture

Best of Kaptain Krude
    I thought they were supposed to shoot the horse that pulls up lame?

Best of The Expendable
    I've said it before and I'll say it again, the man has a head like a Herman Munster Pez dispenser.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    That reminds me... Was the horse's head in the bed scene in Godfather I or II?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Uhm, sir... your cellphone is on the table. You're talking into the bed remote again."

Monday, June 08, 2015

Everybody else is captioning it...

(Also Brender)



1. "It's twoo! It's twoo!"

2. If she slams both palms against his ears hard enough to perforate his ear drums, it will all be worth it.

3. And then Merkel begins twirling around singing "The hills are alive, with the sound of music."

Best of Best of
    Well it Ain't gonna suck itself and Chris Matthews's not here..

Best of jimmy
 Merkel's rendition of Al Jolson's "Mammy" was the best international trolling of Obama since Queen Elizabeth sent him that old dress of hers to wear to the Joint Chiefs meeting.

Best of metalgarth
    5 Euro, 5 Euro, 5 Euro UnterseebootDoppelschnitte

Best of metalgarth
    I keep you telling you but you won't listen! We. Didn't. Bomb. Pearl Harbor.

Best of Nose
    The hills are alive, with songs of your incompetence...

Best of GregMan
    "How can you be so f---ing stupid???"

Best of Rodney Dill
    Sorry 15 Schnitzengruben is my limit.

Best of The Expendable
    "You had der whole bench to zit upon, und you had to zit ein mein schpot?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"No Barak that $20 massage including head was a promotional offer at the grand opening of Man Country Dusseldorf," explained Angela, "You have to pay full price like everyo... What's that? Oh, you want a job at MCD, well I guess we could work something out..."

Excedrin Headache #45



1. Blanche DuClinton: "Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

2. "So many hands reaching for my breasts, it's the Womyn's Leather Retreat all over again."

3. Even with three people helping, the most out-of-touch woman in the world can't manage a simple face-palm.

4. "No, Sheila, our astronauts didn't land on Mars. Damn, you really are a stupid bitch."  (I don't think that's a caption, I think that was the actual dialogue.)

5. "Laxative... kicking in... must... tighten... sphincter."

Best of Best of
    Ohhh gawd, what are we going to do with all those bodies?

Best of Best of
    The wait staff must not been seen

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Thought Bubble: "Oh God... no one heard it, but they're damn sure gonna smell it."

Best of satted
    My lord I didn't expect it to be that big after surgery. I don't know what Bruce was thinking!

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Me likey bouncy, me likey bouncy... oh, no, I'm beyond that now!"

Best of dadoctah
    "I'm getting an N. Is someone here thinking of a loved one with a name beginning with N?"

Best of Submariner
    "She Nat-Nay.... Aunt Jemima.... and my clenis!"
    "Hilldawg the Magnificent" was not the fund raising draw that her handlers expected.

 

Friday, June 05, 2015

Late Night TV


1. Nancy Pelosi's botox implants wore off suddenly.

2. This is the 'Portrait of Dorian Gray' Bruce Jenner has stashed in a secret room of stately Kardashian Manor.

3. So, it is true; watching a Len Dunham porn video will make your face melt off.

Tuesday, June 02, 2015

When Kates Break Down


1.ORA: "Not much, watchin the game, havin a bud." 

2. "Nah, she's still staring at the damn cake. Can I just kill the f--kin' bitch and call it a day?"

3. "Well, smoking boy died of lung cancer, so I guess the reunion photo is off?"

4. "Target eliminated, Mr President. Yes, sir, I plugged that Bolshevik right between the eyes. Over and out." Ah, I miss the Reagan Era and his hit squad of gorgeous secret agent assassins. Suck it, Obama.

5. "Triple AAA? No, but I've got Double D's. You'll be here in two minutes? Fantastic."

Monday, June 01, 2015

Hillary Want Cake


1. "Ah, this is exactly what the peasants should be allowed to eat."

2. Thoughtbubble: "If I unhinge my jaw I could eat that whole cake in one ... oh, but I mustn't."

3. The last time she had that look on her face was when it started to rain at the DC Womyn's Softball game and Elena Kagan's  t-shirt got soaking wet.

4."I swear, I just look at a cake and it goes straight to my hips and makes me look like a fat, corrupt lesbian megalomaniac who peddles influence through a phony charity."

5. "There's nothing I like more than sticking my tongue into a hot, moist cherry pie and letting the juices just run down my chin."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I just ate some day-old seafood and Lordy, don't I have the shits something terrible!... Hey, is that cake?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Did someone hit her in the balls?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Sorry guys, my ass won't fit through this door either... backin' up..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Yes ma'am. We used to have something called Bananas Vince Foster, but that went away pretty quickly, and no one asks about it anymore."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I'm sorry, but maybe you've read in the news that we won't make those kind of cakes?

Best of Best of
    Are those aborted fetuses fresh? Good, I will take a half dozen.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Let them eat cake! Not this one, though. This one is mine. As is that one. And that one. And that row over there. And that one... you know, let's just say that we shall let them eat an unspecified, to-be-named-later cake."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Well it is the right color and shape but it will never do," complained Mrs. Clinton, "How will I ever fit my new intern into that?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Strangely enough, Bill is next door in the cigar shop with the exact same expression on his face.

Best of Submariner
    In most versions of the fairy tale, the big bad wolf huffs and puffs then blows the doors IN.
    And usually with lung power instead of queefs...

Threadwinner: Mr Hankey
    The Wicked Witch puts out all her candy for Hansel,& Gretel to be attracted to her house.

Best of The Expendable
Madame Secretary demonstrates the "Charleston" for some of her adoring fans. She was quite the dancer as a young girl, and won the title of "Hoofer of the Year" at the 1929 Arkansas State Fair.

Or, "Trainwreck" Trainwreck is an appropriate name



Best of Best of
    "But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friends, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids [Ace Ventura turns Einhorn around revealing a penis-shaped bulge below her rear end] I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    So... What say you NOW, Wheaties reps?

Best of Best of
    The Legion of Doom's Cindy Crawford

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    ♫ Subby knows all there is to know about the crying game... ♫

Best of Best of
    That's a lot of $20 bills right there

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
    So,Bruce, you've officially moved from the Wheaties box to Froot Loops. Congratulations!

Best of Kaptain Krude
   The good news is, Vanity Fair finally put a picture of a Republican on the cover.

Best of Submariner
    East German women's swim team tryouts at 6 you say?