Monday, July 27, 2015

Showing Joe to the Door


1. "Yeah, I sort of have to endorse Hillary, but come 2017 this whole place is gonna be a radioactive crater, so no big loss."

2. "I know, Joe, I hate this shithole country, too."

3. "FFS, Joe, she's my daughter and she's 14 years old."

4. "It's OK, Joe, it happens to all men sometimes."

5. "You know what always cheers me up? A good old-fashioned quaalude enema. I'll call Reggie."

Best of Double The U
Joe, Joe, I will let the chef know you can have a bowl of Fruit Loops for your afternoon snack if you want it

Best of jimmy
"Yeah, another gun-toting wacko has jumped the fence, and no Secret Service in sight. So it falls on the VP to go chase them away. Yeah, I know, but it's in the Constitution...nothing I can do. Hurry up, now..."

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"Joe, don't be a baby, it's just the Obamacare death panel....."

Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Obama has taken to holding onto Joe in order to negotiate doorways in the White House...

Best of Dr. Doom
"OK Joe, the heat is really on me on the Iran deal and we need a distraction," instructed the President, "Now get out there and talk to the press for me like only you can. Talk about cab drivers or something - but stay clear out of Africa this time. Got it?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Joe, have you ever been in a Turkish prison," inquired the President?

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
"Sorry Joe, if you want to be the Democrat Nominee you'll have to change your name to Caitlyn Biden!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Now look, Joe, be reasonable," Barry Soetoro said to his gullible henchman. "Someone is going to have to stand between this office and the pitchforks, right? And I can't go out there, because I'm needed in this office, right? And you're only one else here, right? So, logically, you're the only one who can do this vital duty to the office, right? So get out there and slay them, you crazy nut! Make them eat right out of your hand! You can do it, you're the Joe-ster! The Bidenator! The Veeper-meister! You've got this!"

Barry reflected later, as the noose was tightening around his neck, that maybe sending Biden out to handle the crowd may not have been his smartest move.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Brokeback Mountain 2: Electric Boogaloo!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Another one for the MIB's







1. And then, Rachel Dolezal's weave became a proto-sentient life form.

2. "Madame, I realize your massive weave is an attempt to draw attention from your enormous ass. It has failed."

3. All her secrets. Everything she's ever done that she wants to forget. Every silent fart she's ever had. It’s all in her hair. That and billions and billions of tiny bugs.

4. What if all the weaves are actually alien parasites programming people to vote Democrat so that all of the planet's defenses are eliminated, and this is their queen? 

5. I don't even wanna know if the carpet matches the drapes.

Best of dadoctah

What If, #37 in a series: Caitlyn Trump.

Best of Best of

and for some unknown reason, Dawn's head exploded.

Best of tonn

Kate had to move from Colorado because people tried to smoke her at bus stops.

Best of Steve O

C'mon, who HASN'T ever thought that to make themselves attractive they have to grow their hair to look like a giant slug from the Star Wars episode with Khan.

b>Best of Dr. Doom

ORA Alert: Boy the Neural Parasite of Deneva IV has really let itself go...

Best of The Expendable

The ultimate in convenience. When "Aunt Flo" visits unexpectedly, Dawn simply tucks her hair into her pants.

Best of Mega

Jeebus, when is Falling Skies going to pull the plug?

Saturday, July 25, 2015

What I Saw on Folsom Street



1.  Tom Cruise is not as incognito as he had hoped.

2. Miley Cyrus is like, what, maybe six months from this?

3. If you want to get gonorrhea, AIDS, and salmonella at the same time, I know someone you've just *got* to meet.

4. The original 1970's Dr. Who had a much more limited budget for alien costumes.


5. Still, less creepy than the Colonel Sanders in the new KFC campaign.


Best of GregMan

Chief Justice Roberts takes a refreshing stroll after the vote on gay marriage.

Best of Dr. Doom

Anthony Weiner has really let himself go...

Best of Russ in Oregon

Casting call for Orgazmo II

Best of The Expendable

Chad knows walking through downtown like this is the worst of his hazing, but he doesn't care. Just one more mile to go and he'll be a FAP brother forever!

Best of The Expendable

A $50,000 grant from the NEA just doesn't buy what it used to.

Best of Dr. Doom

The actor cast as Jar Jar Binks takes five between scenes in Ang Lee's reboot of Star Wars Episonde I: The Phantom Menace...

Best of Dactyl

So I hand my hat to the doorman, and then I hand him my mask, and I say, "Here, hold my cock and pullet!"

Er, well, I guess you had to be there.

Best of The Expendable

After falling victim to corporate downsizing at Justice League, LLC, "Fuster-Cluck" walks four blocks to Avenger Corp. to drop off his resume.

Best of Rodney Dill

Sir Robin almost stood up to the vicious chicken of Bristol.

Best of Kaptain Krude

Look, I like Robot Chicken too, but....

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Man Who Self-Identifies as a Wet Nurse


1. Beta male or Rachel Maddow at home? You tell me.

2. This would be creepy even if he weren't panting.

3. "Yeah, you like the taste of daddy's nipple ring, don't you?"

4. Well, this is guaranteed lifetime employment for a family therapist.

5. "No, honey. Boys don't like teeth. Ease off! Ease off!"

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Sights and Smells of WalMart


1.  Q. Why did the whore drink an entire bottle of Canola Oil? A. Because Trump likes his ho's slick and juicy. 

2. "Sanger-Ade. It's Planned Parenthood in a Bottle: Now Available in a 'Hood Near You."

3. I thought this skank was crazy for drinking her own urine, but then I saw what happened next.

4. The makers of Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor were later sued for ripping off Kate Upton's Hardee's ad and retooling it for their target demo.

5. "So, what goes into a bottle of R. Kelly soda?"

Pope Knockers

Schneider

[Busy this morning, so here's an easy lay-up.]

Best of Double the U
    ..oh wow... well... okay... ummm, God just spoke to me...priests, popes and clergy, can...ahhh get a hold of those things.

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
    Oh Kaitlin! They are fabulous!

Best of metalgarth
    So, wanna see my latest Papal Edict?

Best of Rodney Dill
    Pie jesu domine dona eis requiem (THWACK)

Best of Nose
    Note to self....tell Cardinal Stoforti about my idea for a second dome at St Peters...

Best of The Expendable
    "Mr. Pope, you're so silly. These aren't God's handiwork. Dr. Brahmbhatt did them!"
    The day the Pope becomes a Hindu.

Best of Dr. Doom
    "Is that a miter in your pocket or are you just glad to see me Your Holiness," asked Shayla?

Best of Dr. Doom
    Suddently the Vicar of Rome realizes why the Vatican A/C is set to 65...

Best of Mr Hankey
    My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Distractions: they have a way of... um,... sometimes... um... whoa!

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Look! In the Sky! It's.....!


1. It was nice of Bud Bundy to bring his girlfriend.

2. Only a feminist knows for sure what's happening here; the answer is "rape."

3. "You realize when we land, Obama will still be president, and Hillary will be his successor. So, that being the case, why should we even open our parachutes?"

4. "You're a dick, Charlie. I'm never letting you pack my chute again."

5. "How exactly does this help increase awareness of Lyme disease?" 

Best of Rodney Dill
    The Hillary campaign has a blimp?

Best of Dr. Doom
    If IAEA monitors inspected parachutes...

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Bloated, useless, and full of hot air," Kevin mused to himself. "So what brings you up here, Mrs. Clinton?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Guys, we've done it! How many other dudes can say they gang-banged a sex doll at 10,000 feet? Yeah!!!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    It was then that the pilot of the aircraft, Captain Sum Ting Wong collided with the air orgy.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    I think "Sky Perverts" would make an awesome band name.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Peter Frampton doesn't want his prop back, guys. What are we gonna do with it?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    It was a surreal experience. There they were hurtling to their doom and no one wanted to acknowledge the giant white sex doll blotting out the sun and preventing them from opening their 'chutes. In that regard it was a lot like Obama Administration foreign policy (with John Kerry playing the part of the giant white doll - obviously)...

Best of metalgarth
    "UIO" (Unidentified Inflated Objects) was a lost X Files episodes for good reasons

Monday, July 13, 2015

Diving. Boards.



1. Mr Louganis, meet Mr AIDS-Related-Dementia.

2. "I'll take metaphors for Hillary's Campaign for $300, Alex."

3. "All right, now I just need something to distract me so I miss the ground."

4. Watching these majestic creatures swoop down over the lake to snatch a trout in their talons was a highlight of our trip to Camp Climax.

5. This is like watching Donald Trump run for president. You know it's going to end horribly, but you can't peel your eyes away. 

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    It's all fun and games until someone breaks their dick on the dock.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Gary gets a helluva last "pre-wheelchair" selfie.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Hey Madge, come take a look... It's that crazy Kal El kid again..."

Best of Rodney Dill
    White lives splatter

Best of Rodney Dill
    If you ever had a relative die after saying "Hold mah beer... and watch this." You just may be a redneck.

Best of Submariner
    "When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation..."

Best of Rodney Dill
    "As.... you.... wish...."

Best of Dr. Doom
    Wilbert was on the side of the warf with his I need feminism because... sign when the Hell's Angels rolled by. His day went rapidly down hill from there...

Best of The Expendable
    The model for Caitlyn Jenner's resculpted Rolls Royce hood ornament strikes the classic pose.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Come on, This is too Easy

Chronos of Wonder Pig fame


Best of Kaptain Krude
    Worst. Marriage ceremony. Ever.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Hillary unveils her new Campaign t-shirt.

Best of Dr. Doom
    The Biden Campaign has a similar shirt except the arrow points up...

Best of dadoctah
    It's a little early to name a running mate just yet, but doesn't "Clinton-Blart '16" just roll off the tongue?

Friday, July 10, 2015

A Quartet of Oligarchs


1. "You want me to Perot the 2016 election? I'm in!"

2. "Bill, Bill, calm down. It's only the Mexican rapists I want deported."

3. "You used Monica as a humidor, and your wife's banging a chick named Huma. There's got to be some area of comedy in there, right?"

4. "Come on, Bill. Pull it one more time, for old time's sake?"

5. "Come on, Bill, let's ditch the skirts and head to Tijuana for the Donkey Show."

 Best of Double the U
    "Why ditch the skirts? It's amateur night and Hillary always gets on stage."

Best of Rooted in Him
    The 107th annual meeting of the Malefactors of Great Wealth welcomes its new inductees.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ha! My wife is much hotter than yours could ever be", Trump's boast rattled throughout the room. "What do you think about the matter, Bill?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
 "Hey, didja hear? Biden is thinking of running!" The laughter was loud and long, and lasted at least 15 minutes.

  Best of Dr. Doom
  "...and this meeting of the People Who Should Never Be President Society will now come to order," intoned Chairman for Life Algore with the bang of his gavel...

Best of The Expendable
 The Don: "Bill, your problem is that you let your wife have the same hairstyle as you. A real man makes his wife wear her hair like a giant mushroom."

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Squeezebox


Celebrate heterosexuality while you still legally can.


1. "I am almost convinced I'm not gay... just let me... you know... become even more convinced."

2."This is the best Young Republicans meeting ever!"

3. Sure, it's all fun and games until some crazy bitch accuses you of rape and walks around carrying a mattress for two years.

4. Finally, a therapy that finally erased the memory of that traumatic afternoon with Jared from Subway when he was 11.

5.  "This is a lot like the Young Democrats meeting last week; except then the guy grabbing my tits was a fat chick in her sixties."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Ironically, her name was actually "Molly".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Kyle, my eyes are up here!"
    "I know, that's why I'm staring at your tits."

Best of Double the U
    Ohhhh Caitlyn .... They're FABULOUS!

Best of metalgarth
    The Mixers at camp climax were never dull!

Best of GregMan
    "Hillary!? Oh, it's just you, Josh..."

Best of metalgarth
    She: "I think the green gamma radiation is making my boobs grow"
    He: Hulk Fondle!!!!!!!!

Best of Kaptain Krude
 Caution! Despite what the Internet says, this is NOT a scene of Ang Lee's remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark's famous "weighing the idol" scene.

Monday, July 06, 2015

Eye-to-Eye


1. "At least I know he'll be getting off at Folsom Street."

2. It's always so awkward meeting one of your kid's teachers in public.

3. Suddenly, Tyrone wondered if he had remembered to feed the cat.

4. "Is that you Emma Sulkowicz? I didn't recognize you without your mattress?"

5. "Bitch better not be working my corner, that's all I got to say." 

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Sorry about the attire, I Know you said "inconspicuous". Do you want the usual 'ludes, Mr.Cosby?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I don't recall seeing this in the guidebook," Leon thought to himself. "No, I don't recall seeing this at all!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Well, Biden did say he rides public transportation...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Thawt Bubble: "Wonder if they make that shit in my size?"

Best of chronos z. wonderpig
 Ten years after leaving office, Obama wonders why everyone ignores him on the bus ride to Man Country.....

Best of Dr. Doom
    Pop Culture Pop Quiz

    This train is _________:
    a) probably not in Salt Lake City.
    b) on its way to the marriage license bureau.
    c) less FABUOLOUS than the average SFMTA conveyance.
    d) all of the above.

Best of Submariner
    Thawt bubble; "Ball Park franks. I think I'll have some for dinner when I get home. Maybe 20 of 'em..."

Best of Rodney Dill
    I knew I never should've signed up for Ghostbusters III

 

Sunday, July 05, 2015

Extreme Manspreading


1. After a long day, Neil DeGrasse Tyson just likes to let it all hang out.

2. "C'mon, ladies. You got a tool this nice, you gotta build a shed over it."

3. Sometimes, people won't give up their seats on the subway and you have to eat them.

4. The woman in the background is frantically searching through her Bible for some name to put on this abomination.

5. I feel like if he stood up we'd meet the secret leader of the Mars Resistance.

Best of dadoctah
So I'm torn. Do I make a Santa Claus reference here or go for "Bring me Solo and the Wookiee"?

Best of Best of
HEY HEY HEY !
IT'S FAAAA..........

nah, I'm not going to go there

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Apparently, he didn't make it all the way through the "Six-Minute Abs" video.

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene moments before the roll over derailment...

Best of Dr. Doom
Train Engine: "I think I can, I think I can..."

Best of dadoctah
"Just so you know, I self-identify as a sectional sofa."

Best of Rodney Dill
Black Lives Fatter

Best of Submariner
Albert doesn't look very impressed with Disney's "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" ride.

Friday, July 03, 2015

Hitch

Brender

1. Well, here's one of 'em that doesn't matter.

2. Krrrkle: "Pappa Bear, this is Big Daddy, gimme a holler looks like you picked up a lot lizard at the back row, come back."

3. The Human Trailer Hitch was a useful, if lesser known, member of the Avengers Team.

4.TV Guide, Saturday, June 25, 1977. BJ and the Bear, BJ becomes the target of a very determined stalker. Special Guest, Cleavon Little.

5. "You see son, when a queer bottom-boy fetishizes a trailer hitch very, very much..."

Best of GregMan
    Unsurprisingly, the next place the supreme court made sh1t up was in the area of man-vehicle marriage.

  Best of Best of
    Smokey Robinson-Mutumbo and the Bandit

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ew, Optimus," Ironside rumbled to the Autobot's leader. "You've got some kind of... infestation on you. We'd better scrape that off of you before it starts to spread." The new, grittier Transformers movie may just be worth watching, after all.

Best of The Expendable
    Unfortunately for Nordberg, the truck didn't stop until it reached Detroit.

Best of Double the U
    Still amazingly more comfortable and less of a hassle than airline travel.

Best of Submariner
    That's a pretty effective way to grease the gooseneck IYKWIMAITTYD...

Best of Submariner
What do you think about that?!? I for one never saw anyone tailgate a semi while driving a Smart Car before...

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Warrior Woman


1. "So, tell us about your date with Chris Brown."

2. "Note to self, do not try to take a dildo away from Hillary when she's been drinking."

3. "This is one 'chalk-faced whore' who didn't let Wookie win."

4. Off-Screen, the rivalry between Eve Plumb and Maureen McCormick got a lot more physical.

5.  Hands and mouth still dripping with the blood of an innocent child, another Hillary intern completes the initiation.