Monday, August 31, 2015

Large Marge in Charge


1. "I understand my recent gender reassignment may leave some of you confused, especially those of you who weren't sure of my previous gender."

2. "And I hearby call this meeting of Gigantic Raging Angry Dykes to order."

3. "I take offense at that, sir. No way am I as ugly as I am stupid."

4. "Would somebody please remove the corpse of Steve Guttenberg from under this podium?"

5. Rick Perry has really let himself go.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Me Love You Long Time, Mrs First Lady

1. "Such perky young breasts, would you like to come back to my $600,000 a night, taxpayer-funded luxury hotel suite?"
2. "Mrs. Obama... is that a roll of Lifesavers in your pocket?"
3.In a second, Sigourney Weaver is going to burst in in her underwear yelling "Get away from her, you bitch."
4. "Don't you turn your back on me you... Burnt-Sienna-Faced Whore."
5. "Our safe word is 'Eatin' Shovel.'"

Take a Memo, Miss Jones


Wednesday, August 26, 2015

What Is It with Detroit and Satanists Lately?


1. The new Dairy Council ad campaign has taken an odd turn.

2. Ever since the osteoporosis kicked in, Satan has no longer been so keen on blood sacrifices.

3. "I warned you this was going to bring all the boys to the yard, Debby!"

4. The Support Group for Patriotic Goths who mistake their Girlfriends for Bowls of Product 19 will now come to order.

5. Wisconsin baptism.

Monday, August 24, 2015

America's First Family of Resting Bitch Face.



1. "M'Chel, it's one thing to stink up Marine One with those gawdawful farts, it's another to look so damn smug about it."

2. "Well, that's done. One more of these stupid 'family vacations,' then we can get a divorce and I'll spend every summer on Fire Island with Reggie Love."

3. "For the last time, Malaria, Marine One can carry all of our luggage or M'Chel's fat ass. It cannot haul both simultaneously."

4. "You see, dogs are unclean animals, so I had to throw Bo out of the helicopter over the Atlantic."

5. "I know your mom has biceps like JJ Watts. Why do you think I married her?"

Thursday, August 20, 2015

The Classy Life (Open Thread)



Threadwinner Dactyl
Day 12: they continue to believe that I am merely a throw pillow...

Best of Double the U
And still his chances are zero in five.

Best of Best of
Something, something about Hilary intern tryouts...

Best of metalgarth
And if Jared had just spent his money *this* way...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The World's Greatest Hypnotist has an awesome home life.

Best of Dr. Doom
Meanwhile at Ashley Madison Headquarters...

Best of jimmy
Quarterly meetings at the Clinton Global Initiative headquarters are pretty much what you'd expect.

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Yeah, they said, 'Who makes any dough as a Blogger, they said; 'What kind of dumb name is 'Ace Of Spades HQ, they said; Bloggers are a bunch of hairy loners that live in Mom's basement, they said; well, got me on the 'hairy' part! Right, ladies?"

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Orange is the New Hack



1. I make the exact same face when I meet people who support Jeb Bush.

2. "It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown! Oh, no, wait it's just a corrupt hag in an orange pantsuit."

3. "How the hell should I know what happened in Benghazi? That was the night I got blind, stinking drunk at Huma's 9-11 Party and passed out on the toilet."

4. Hillary is asked how America can afford all the entitlements she is promising.

5. Finally, when asked how big her ass is, Hillary gives an honest answer.

Best of Greg
Would you like paper or plastic, Ma'am?

Best of Greg
"That Libyan ambassador...what was his name?"

Best of Greg
"Yes, on a personal note, do you have advice on how to keep my husband from roaming?"

Best of Greg
"How do you say 'reset' in Russian?"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"What difference at this point does my campaign make?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Mrs. Clinton, how do you answer the undeniable and overwhelming evidence that you knowingly kept classified information on your unprotected server?"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

Best of Rodney Dill
"No, I don't know who paid Stewie to follow Chris Christie around with a tuba."

Best of Submariner
"Chris Matthews, MSSNBC; Lemme toss you a softball, Mrs. C - What was your biggest achievement as Secretary of State?"

Best of Submariner
"WHEEEEEERRRREEEE'S the beef?"

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Through the Blinds



1. Kid looks out window. "Mom! There's another Palpatine in our yard!"

2. "Why do the birds stop singing when I walk into the garden," Hillary wondered.

3.  Druid missionaries are always a little shy about approaching the front door.

4. Scene from "The Real Housewives of Dearborn."

5. "Hello, I am the Grim Specter of Death. Is this Rick Perry's campaign office?"

Best of dadoctah
Better check Angie's List. We need to have the garden sprayed for nuns again.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
Berkeley Breathed brings Opus back to life.

Best of Rodney Dill
Oh look. She's selling apples.

Best of jimmy
ORA: Sister Mary Blanche arrives two days early at VtheK's house to "collect lingerie for needy, sexy people".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Throwing chunks of meat around is a good way to find yourself smack dab in the middle of a sharknado.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
She says she's from the People's Front of Judea?

Best of Kaptain Krude
"You have been trained well, my young apprentice. Now, with you by my side, we shall fulfill your destiny and rule the universe side by side! Those Rebel scum will rue the day that... *cell phone rings* Yes, Bill, what do you want? How do you send an e-mail? Well, ask the assistant, I'm busy! *snaps cell phone shut* Now, where was I? Oh yes, those Rebel scum will rue the day they, uh, rebelled against us! We will crush them like... *cell phone rings* What, Bill, I'm in the middle of something. Well, ask the maid, then. *snaps cell phone shut* Now, what was I saying? Something something rebel scum, young apprentice, oh right, now I remember! Nothing can stop us now! *cell phone rings* Now what, Bill? A sandwich? Ask the cook to make you a sandwich, Bill, and leave me alone! I'm monologing! *snaps cell phone shut* How that man ever got to be President instead of me, I'll never know. But we're about to change that, yes we are! Tonight, my young apprentice, we shall... *cell phone rings* Dammit Bill, what do you want now? You're going over to The Grotto, and you're taking the assistant, the maid, and the cook with you? Fine, just stop calling me! *hangs up* Now, what was I.... wait a minute, what grotto?"

Best of Dr. Doom
The latest chapter in the sad saga of Bruce Jenner...

Best of Submariner
Looks like someone got a "right place at the right time" shot out their window during the remake of "Plan 9 From Outer Space."

Best of Dr. Doom
Rare video footage captured Our Lady of Perpetual Entitlements making a house call in Detroit...

Monday, August 17, 2015

Hillary bites it


1. Aren't you glad she's not going all "Kate Upton" on that pork chop.

2. "I like pork chops, but they always seem to attract fat black guys. There's one behind me, isn't there?"

3. "This flesh is dead and bloodless. How could it possibly nourish me?"

4. Even while eating pork and drinking lemonade, Hillary still manages to flash a gang sign to her crew down in Compton.

5. Charlotte never should have woven "Benghazi" into that web.

Best of Submariner
Funny, most like a Foster's to wash down the taste of a pork chop. The Hilldawg likes a lemonade to wash down the taste of a Foster...

Best of Submariner
"After this plebian farce, I want to go ride the butter cow... Have Huma fetch my chaps."

Best of Best of
Cop: Senator Clinton, I served with police officer Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're eating Jack Kennedy.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Cannibal Cu*t" would make an awesome punk band name.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"So I say to Cosby, why don't you just try the 500mg one on them?... It's always worked for me..."

Best of Rodney Dill
Nomsferatu

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Seriously, Not Being LazyI

I just haven't found good material this week, and I have been looking for it.


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Into the mud


1. "Gosh all fish hooks, Rajiv! What made you think this was a good place to take out your contact?"

2. Next Republican debate, one round in the pit of cow manure with these guys. Still, classier than the FoxNews Debate.

3. The horrible truth behind Starbucks coffee.

4. "So, when you invited me to fool around in your mudhole, naturally I thought..."

5, "Come on, surely cleaning out Rosie O'Donnell's latrine cannot be the worst job you have ever had."

Best of jimmy
Ernie and Joey offered to join Hillary Clinton's "Dirty Tricks Squad," but realized instead they were better equipped just to be each other's 'dirty trick'.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Below the Outhouse, a Love Story

Best of dadoctah
There just aren't enough wet wipes in the world to let some people to order the full rack of ribs.

Best of Submariner
You gave Mike al'Moore an Ex Lax pie too?

Best of Best of
Obama did it.
He has fundamentally transformed America into a sh!t hole.

Best of Best of
C'mon, we're in the Smile Room. Smile.

Best of Submariner
I dunno, Rahm; I just sorta thought that Man Country would be different... but it's just the same ol' sh!t.

Best of metalgarth
Why yes! The EPA was in charge of cleaning out this hotel room. Why do you ask?

Best of The Expendable
Next time you take a bite of your Kit Kat Bar, how about some appreciation to Kumar and Sunjay, who personally inspect every cocoa bean that makes it to your mouth.

Saturday, August 08, 2015

The Smile Room

1. Voted "Least Sketchiest Day Care Facility in New Jersey" three years running. 
2. IDK, there's something about this dentist's office that doesn't smell right. 
3. ObamaDentalCare is also somewhat not good. 
4. "We *won't* leave the light on for you. 
5. The place where Andrew Sullivan contracted HIV was added to the National Register of Historic Places this week...

Wow. Tittehs!

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

TMI


1. It's not what you think; they are just incredibly fastidious about their housecleaning.

2. Well, someone sure enough hit the eHarmony jackpot.

3. "Honey, I think the Hibachi chef is hitting on... one of us."

4.  Coincidentally, this was the exact same Hibachi table where Penny proposed to Isaiah a week later.

5. Woman in the background: "Is she nuts? She'll burn her ass on that thing."

Sunday, August 02, 2015

Oh no, not again


1. "Yeah, right, whales will fly through the sky before Donald Trump becomes president."

2. "Hurray! Our plan worked and Willzyx is off to join his companions on the moon!"

3. "Hey, what do you bet more people will be upset if I drop a whale from a 747 than they get about ISIS executing 50,000 children?"

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"No one gave a shit until they were told his name was Cecil....

Best of GregMan
To prove once more that she is middle class, Hillary spends a day at the beach.

Best of Rodney Dill
If you can dodge a whale, you can dodge a ball.

Best of Submariner
So long, and thanks for all the fish!

And before any monor corrects my ORA - I KNOW it was a different marine mammal...
Best of Submariner

I love being on the beach at St. Maarten, watching the big ones come in for a landing...
Best of Rodney Dill

Whaler? I don't even know her.
Best of Kaptain Krude
Look out! Michael Moore has gone off his diet again! Run for your lives!

Best of The Expendable
Finding a dead, bloated sperm whale on the beach is still a lot better than stepping on the "Coney Island white fish" they have on the Jersey shore.

Best of Rodney Dill
"CANNONBALL!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Mushu tried and tried, but no one can escape Leela when she puts her mind to catching you.

Saturday, August 01, 2015