Wednesday, September 30, 2015

#Caring


1. "There, there Mohammed. We have all lost sons in tragic clock-building accidents."
2. " I always get this way when I visit the 9-11 Memorial. Those poor, brave hijackers."
3. "What's wrong, Abdul. I thought your refugee status had been accepted?" "Yes, but they're sending me to Oakland."
4. "Hey, man, I know break-ups are hard, but you know what they say, 'There are plenty of other goats in the pasture.'"
5. "You smell nice. Is there anywhere you need to be right now? Would you like to come back to my place?"

Best of GregMan
    "I know, Achmed, I too am upset that Dicklovers is closing."

Best of Greg
    "Funny thing; that actually IS a bomb in my pocket! But yes, it's good to see you."

Best of Jay Guevara
    "You'll get over it. It's not you, it's me."

Best of Greg
    "It's okay; he WILL build that wall, and he WILL make the Mexicans pay for it, and then who'll be laughing, huh?"

Best of Submariner
    Sorry, Abu, but I have to go with Shazam on this one; Kirk WAS the better CO of the Enterprise...

Best of mega
    Didn't realize they'd repainted the Brandeis student lounge.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    Hold me closer, tiny dancer........



Monday, September 28, 2015

Welcome to Folsom

Brender




1. Funtcuck is just like any other American town, right down to its annual Homecoming parade.

2.  ♪ "Here comes the bride.... Here comes the bride..."  

3. Revelation 13:1 "And I saw a beast rising up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and on his horns ten crowns, and a skank rode with him, and on her legs were leather f--k me boots."

4. "First, we'll get you fitted for a Prince Albert. And if you're a good boy, you can have some Southern Dairies Ice Cream afterward."

5. "Don't pretend you  don't know us congressman, we recognize you from the Furry Convention even without the pantsless goat suit. Say 'hi' to Huma for us."

Best of dadoctah
    "Does anybody know where we can get in touch with Stan Lee?"

Best of Dactyl
    After Han was frozen in carbonite, Leia and Chewbacca had to make ends meet somehow...

Best of Best of
    "Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly" -- Beauty and the Beast

Best of Dr. Doom
I can't tell... is the Southern Decadence Festival late this year or has the Democratic National Convention started early?

Best of mega
Away from the contrived world of Game of Thrones stages, giants are actually much less dangerous than people think.

Just what *is* this store selling anyway?



Found this at Shorpy. And I'm thinking "Stud?" "Prince Albert?" Who knew old timey people were so... ghey.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Make a Wish



1. "OK, now all we need are a dozen black guys and we will have accurately re-enacted the moment when Sandy Fluke lost her virginity."

2. "Kobe... Kobe!"

3, Some guys require a little "help" getting into the stirrups for their mandatory Obamacare gynecological exams.

4. "Hava Nagilah Hava..."

5. "No, Ahmed, you just stuffed some guy's balls into some way-too-small biking shorts, you did not 'invent' transgender sex reassignment surgery."

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Fellow Travelers



1. "You mind waiting here while I grab a smoke, your holiness?"
2. "From the balcony, you will be able to see all of M'Chel's ass."
3. "That's funny, usually when I touch a priest, my hand starts burning."
4. "Sorry if I keep chucking, most holy. It's just that the Safe School Czar wore that exact same costume last Halloween."
5. "... and for my third wish, I want Hillary's face eaten by rats." The SCOAMF was rather... uninformed... about the Pope's actual powers.

Best of Best of
and right over here sir we have a surprise! We gathered ten boys from the DC area for your... ahhhhhh... "blessings".

Best of Dr. Doom
"No your Holiness, not that way," explained the President, "That looks a lot like a door but it is really a window. Just follow these yellow bricks I had installed and you will be fine..."

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
and you know what? I wore an outfit just like that at Man Country.....

Best of Rodney Dill
"Ah.... So it's the bear that shits in the woods."

Best of Rodney Dill
Pope:"No you must get lower an extend more... Christ, no wonder you got so many gutter balls...... Oh, Shit, I swore again."

Best of dadoctah
Rook takes bishop....

Best of Submariner
"... five, six, seven, eight! Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!”"

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Pope Meets Chicago Jesus


1. The press, of course, had to cover it up when the SCOAMF pronounced the name of the Italian Airline as "Genitalia."

2."I don't care what, um, color you think his face, is, M'Chel, you keep your bitch mouth shut and don't try to,um, fight with him."

3. Pope: "I am most eager to meet this Safe School Czar of yours, I am sure we have much to discuss."

4. "Yeah, well, we've all been touching ourselves, but I'll be damned if I'm going to ask that old honky for forgiveness."

5. "Quiet down, you all... we will all get to spit on the Crusader Infidel... but I'm the president and I get to go first!"

Monday, September 21, 2015

Secret RINO Handshake



1. "... and then you twiddle your fingers and raise them to your lips like you're bogarting some primo kush..."

2. Republican drug handoffs just lack finesse.

3. Reflexively, Jeb Bush hands the Hispanic gentleman his car keys.

4. "My name is E.I., E.I. Nickelye, Nickelye Pom pom poodle, willy willy whiskers..."

5. The last words to go through Rubio's mind were, "What the hell does 'Kali-Ma' mean?"

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Hey, They're in Love


1. Hillary Clinton's Technical Support staff. They don't just wipe servers, if you know what I mean and I think that you do.

2. You know, abstinence education totally works when these guys teach it.

3. "I'm so excited! Tomorrow night we're having dinner at the White House with the president and the Pope."

4. Has-been blogger Charles Johnson emerged from retirement to announce his engagement this week.

5. Rejected Superhero Duo's: The Flaming Banana and the Stretchpants Avenger.

Best of John Schneider
Jabba the Hut: Before the Life of Crime, coming to Disney Channel this fall.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
These 2 have never been with a Warrior Woman...or any woman.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Holy fruit salad Androgeny Man," cried Canary Boy, "Is that a banana in my pocket or am I just glad to see you?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Sloth love Chunk

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
The co-mayors of Funtcuck (Please pronounce carefully)

Monday, September 14, 2015

Microaggression or Macroaggression...


1. Somehow I don't think this restaurant will be as successful as 'Hooters.'
2. The Jumbotrons at Hillary's events flash constant subliminal messages to her supporters.
3. How a dyslexic lets the world know he's "Having a Syrian."
4. "...opening for Indigo Girls tonight, all the way from France, let's give a big, 'Club Reno' welcome..."
5. "And other characteristics of women appointed the supreme court by president Obama include...'

Best of dadoctah
In the '70s, the sign would have made about as much sense as one reading "round circles" or "wet oceans".

Best of Rodney Dill
    Harry Dong realized he'd finally stumbled on the right symposium

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Well, I see the Democrats are finally getting ready for their debates.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks likr Hillary has released the first plank in her platform...

Best of Dr. Doom
In the past the ice breakers at the Democratic National Convention were not sufficiently inclusive, but not this year...

Best of antu
    My spellchecker REALLY sucks!

Best of Submariner
    "... and that's why white men must all be taken down."

Making America a Robert Palmer Video Again

I think the reason I don't get freaked out about Donald Trump is because I never believed the GOP was going to nominate a conservative anyway.


Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    Donald Trump introduces his future cabinet

Best of Best of
    Donald Trump and six women who I'd rather see become president before Hillary Clinton.

Best of Steve O
    Turmp. Maybe he's not as smooth as Slick Willie, but there's not denying he's better at "interns."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Hey, guess who just joined the six mile-high club?"

Best of Dr. Doom
    See if you can spot the rich guy in this photo...

Best of Submariner
    Kobe, I'm open.
    No?
    I'll buy that team and set yer ass on the pine.
    How 'bout now?

Friday, September 11, 2015

Damsels



1. "Now, Becky, is finding out 'it's twoo' really worth the price of a permanently wrecked baby chute?"

2. "Madame Secretary Clinton, the sacrifice is ready. Is the altar prepared?"

3. "You'll feel better when the drugs kick in; also any testimony you have to offer against the Clintons will be irrevocably tainted."

Best of dadoctah
    Kim Davis: the early years.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Sadly, Bob the Woodchipper, the first spinoff from Thomas the Engine, just was not handled right.

Best of Brew-Jay
    College. It's worth every loan payment.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "But I don't *want* to be a smelly pirate hooker!"

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

Why Don't Any of the Local Highway Workers Look Like This And Where Do They Go in the Wintertime?


Curling Up with a Nice... Phallus


1. Folsom Street carnival games offer some unusual prizes.

2. "Zzzzzzz... it's twooo! it's twooo!.... Zzzzzzz."

3. "Amateur," sniffed Andrew Sullivan. (Standard Giant Phallic Object Caption #457)

Best of jimmy
    "#$%^ you, autocorrect! I requested a layover in DALLAS!" #DeltaAirFail

Best of Rodney Dill
    Didn't seek immediate medical attention after four hours.

Best of Submariner
    ORA
    ♫ There's got to be a morning after...♪
    ♪ If we just hold on, through the storm. ♫

Best of Best of
    You can have my Phallus
    When you pry it
    from my cold dead hands

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Earl's new boyfriend is kind of a dick.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Stephen King's Thicker.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Damn you, genie", Al mumbled to himself. "I specifically said three-foot PIANIST."

Best of GregMan
    Chief Justice Roberts relaxes after the gay marriage decision.

Best of dadoctah
    Sneak preview of the big reveal at the next Apple press conference.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Robbie laughed gently to himself. He could now afford that trip to Wichita. The black men bet him that he couldn't make them laugh, then they bet him he couldn't make them cry. He made a fortune.

Tuesday, September 08, 2015

Flowers for Algerjeb

Brender


1. In a desperate effort to save his sinking campaign, Jeb Bush introduces his running mate, Vermin Supreme.

2. "Don't worry, sweetheart. I am not about to let some bitch Kentucky clerk stand in the way of our happiness."

3. "We saw your poll numbers and thought an FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquet would be just the thing to turn that frown upside down."

4. Polls showed a majority of Americans wanted to see Jeb "pushing up daisies," and, as usual, he completely misunderstood.

5. Illegal Immigration isn't the only 'act of love' Jeb is into.

Friday, September 04, 2015

Damn Nature, You Scary

Schneider



A pack of Lawn Flamingos have been know to skeletonize a full-grown tyrannosaurus in less than six minutes.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
By pure coincidence, the name of my forthcoming album just happens to be "Carnivorous Flamingos".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
On the Serengeti, nothing is wasted.

Best of Rooted in Him
Doctor Cornelius Wisengut had spent years training his flock of attack flamingos for just such a moment. He was pleased.

Best of jimmy
The SyFy Channel has really run out of ideas for their movies.

Best of dadoctah
The SyFy Channel has really run out of ideas for their movies.
Not until I've seen "Chihuahadon vs. Poodlesaur" it hasn't.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
The flamingos had slim pickings after M'Chel finished her afternoon snack.......

Best of Submariner
Somehow, I don't think Jurassic Park XVI; Rise of the Flamingos is at least XIV too many sequels...

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

"I'm the King of the SCOAMFs!"



Best of Best of
Holy $#!+! You CAN see Russia from here!

Best of Best of
Visited all 50 states without paying a dime. Check that one off the bucket list.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Visited all 57 states without paying a dime. Check that one off the bucket list.
Fixed that for you.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I thought Reggie was going to be here and lift me up by my arms on the prow of the ship while that song by that Celine Dion person plays softly in the background," President SCOAMF idly thought. "Well, maybe M'chell'e will do it. She's got bigger arms than Reggie, anyway."

Best of you know what he is thinking...
That one will be named Mt. Barack in remembrance of my historic journey.

Best of Dr. Doom
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Bering Strait, Putin is swimming in the icy water pulling his yacht with a rope in his teeth...

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubbles; "Frigid... Hard... Rugged... Waddaya know 'bout, er, that?!?
I actually, um, MISS Michelle!"

Sisters Are Doin' It For Themselves


1. "I had no idea Father Flanagan worked this corner."
2. "Aw, hell, Sister Mary Catherine, we're in Compton again. Get my ghat out of the glove compartment."
3. "Mormon missionaries! Floor it!"
4. "'We'll be perfectly safe driving in Baltimore,' you said. 'During the day time, all the #BlackLivesMatter protesters will be at work or in school,' you said."
5. "Jose! Es la migra! Vamos! Andale!"

Best of Double The U
\Sister Elanor: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's light and we are wearing habits.
Sister Janet: Hit it.

Best of Just to piss off a few people.
So are those boys in the back seat for the priests?

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "Atomic batteries to power! Turbines to speed!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Michael Caine will take any movie roll... ANY.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
I strongly advise against getting into that vehicle with Sister Thelma and Sister Louise.

Best of Rodney Dill
Piesu Domine, dona eis wrecked again

Best of Submariner
I'm pretty sure from this trailer that I'm not going to like the Starsky and Hutch remake...

Best of Markus ARyanas
Nun: "Wassup Nigga?"

Best of Submariner
Why, yes. We DO speak "jive. How can we help?

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Eeny-Meany-Miney-Moe



1. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that man. 10 minutes in the 'pain chamber' with Huma."

2. "Pull it, damn you!"

3. ORA:  "You sir, you look like a vital specimen. Would you care to some to Summers Isle for our annual Wicker Man Festival? You'll be the guest of honor."

4.  "Yes I wiped it... with a cloth. Let me demonstrate on baldy's head over there."

5. "I have suckled a baby, and I know how sweet it is to love the baby at my breast. But even as the baby was smiling up at me, I would have plucked my nipple out of its mouth and smashed its brains out against a wall if I had sworn to do that the same way you have sworn to do this. Now, pony up the donations, Bald-O!" - The Hillary Charm Offensive continues.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig

"You! Yea, you - sitting at your computer monitor - this is not a porn site, pull your pants up!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather

"No, you son of a bitch, the dress is NOT from the Lewinsky collection!"

Best of Son Of The Godfather

Do I hear 11?... No?... Sold! To the unidentified foreigner in the front row for 10 million dollars. To claim your twelve minute speech from my husband and complimentary national secret, just log on to my server. The password was on all your invitation cards."

Best of Son Of The Godfather

When a woman points a stubby sausage at someone else, she should remember that four of her stubby sausages are pointing at herself.

Best of Son Of The Godfather

"Ed Henryus Expellus!

Best of Submariner

ORA: "My God! I can't stand any more of this! First you spurn me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky! You chew people up and then you spit them out again... I loved you... do you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah, well, I've had enough You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named after the rocks in his head!"