Friday, October 30, 2015

Why I Never Take Public Transport



1. ♪ "The Demon on the bus goes 'Eat your soul, eat your soul, eat your soul..." ♪
2. Every time I use the Metro, I always have to sit next to *that* guy.
3. That's weird. Usually, Valerie Jarrett doesn't even take the Metro.
4. Visine Eyedrop's first attempt at viral marketing was a huge misfire.
5. Laura sighed. Pan-the-Satyr was defying the restraining order... AGAIN.

Best of Submariner
    I thought Reverend Sharpton considered himself ABOVE public transportation?

Best of dadoctah
    I saw that demon from hell on the subway today again. Wearing f**k-me boots.

Best of Rodney Dill
    He'd be scarier, but he keeps humming 'City of New Orleans' by Steve Goodman.

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "I am so sick of these m*****f****** glowing-eyed demons on this m*****f******* train!"

Best of Dr. Doom
    Big Bird has really let himself go...

Best of jimmy
Rosie O'Donnell's estranged daughter keeps trying to move on with her life, but her mother refuses to let go.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    That reminds me... Anybody seen Barbara Walters lately?

Best of Kaptain Krude
    "Excuse me, sir, but have you heard the good news about the Democratic Party?"

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    Why I always take public transport.

Best of metalgarth
    Slayer's album covers are starting to lose their edge

Best of curly
    "Manspreading' is tolerated by all when you're the Prince of Darkness.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

W.T.F.

Best of dadoctah
Oh, I get it. Another one of those metaphor things you people are always going on about, isn't it?

Best of curly
    “Honey, you’re embarrassing me in front of Buster Posey.”

Best of Submariner
 Not sure: is this the mascots for this year's Folsom Street Fair or this year's DNC National Convention? Inquiring minds want to know...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "That'll do, pig."

Best of Dr. Doom
    "It isn't easy being black and blue," crooned Kermit...

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
    Well, Amy Schumer really is getting edgy these days, isn't she?

Best of Dr. Doom
If you find this distrubing you really don't want to watch the next bit with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Swedish Chef...

Best of Ms. Piggy
    I can't talk right now, I'm going to have frog in my throat.

Best of Dactyl
    And then Hillary woke up.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Return of the Demon Sheep.



1. When the zombie sheep appeared, it became official; The Walking Dead was out of ideas.
2. The artist calls this one, "Hillary Clinton Voters."
3. The reason Ashley Madison never caught on in Australia.
4. The Scottish remake of Village of the Damned fared poorly at the box office.
5. What Barack Obama sees at every news conference. 

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    The reason Ashley Madison did catch on in Islamic countries.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Weresheep?"
    "There."
    "What?"
    "There, sheep. There, castle."
    "Why are you talking that way?"
    "I thought you wanted to."
    "No, I don't want to."
    "Suit yourself, I'm easy."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    This is the part of the movie where they send the black guy to go start the car.

Best of Mr Hankey
    The vigil for Lamar Odom was well attended

Best of Dr. Doom
    Queing up for credentials at the Democratic National Convention...

Best of Steve O
    Googled "gun control advocates."

 

Friday, October 23, 2015

When a Hippie and a Tree Love Each Other Very Much


1. Well, #LoveIsLove, I guess.

2. Violent internet flame wars developed over whether that was really her bush or just a shadow from trees in the background.

3. Some Clinton interns are so traumatized by the experience that normal human relationships are simply not possible.

4. She used to date Keanu Reeves, so this was not much of a step-down.

5. There are no better ways to celebrate Scottish heritage than a nude caber toss.

Magic Eye Picture

If you stare at it long enough,  a motorcycle appears.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

For those who like their coffee overpriced and bitter


They have a unique customer loyalty program. For every four cups of coffee you buy, they give a free cup to somebody else.

Every cup is served by an angry unionized bureaucrat and accompanied by a stern lecture on gun control and sustainable development.

The store later went bankrupt because of spiraling employee pension costs.

Illegal Immigrants: Show your California Drivers License for a 50% discount.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Burning the Feels



1. The Sanders campaign was an excellent product placement opportunity for the makers of "Oops! I Crapped My Pants."

2. Democrats love that 'Mime in a Glass Box' routine. They like a lot of things normal people don't.

3. And then the Scooby gang appeared and Old Man Sanders knew the gig was up.

4. "Hey, Lamar Odom, I'm open... to trying meth."

5. Can anyone prove to me that Bernie Sanders is a real person and not American Dad's Roger Smith in an old man fright wig?


Best of dadoctah
The Captain and Tennille have really let themselves go.


Best of jimmy
Reporter from off-camera: "Any truth to the rumor that you plan on nationalizing the adult-diaper industry via executive order on your first day in office?"


Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like some unsuspecting, misguided liberal is about to 'Feel the Bern'...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Now this is one for you hep cats out there, it's a new hit with the kids out there, it's from those soul sisters that I can't resist-a, The Supremes, with 'Stop in the Name of Love'! Hit it, baby!" And the Democratic Monsters of Rock Party starts to wind up for a raucous election year!
 
Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "Can anybody hear that?," Bernie asked in a hushed tone. "I'm not really sure, but I think it's the Call of The Wintermoon!"

Friday, October 16, 2015

M'Chel and the Garden of Olives




1. "I'm sorry for the mistake, it seems you ordered the endless soup and salad and table 9 ordered the angry black trans-sexual. Sorry for the mix up."

2. "You gonna eat all those breadsticks, you chalk-faced whore?"

3. Gordon Ramsey be damned, this here is the real Hell's Kitchen.

4. "Mommy, why did the mean black man just eat all my French fries?"

5. "First, the brought me the wrong appetizer. Then, my veal scallopini was undercooked.  And now, some b-tch who's never held a real job is lecturing me on portion sizes... They better not be expecting a tip."


Best of Kaptain Krude
From IMDB:
Eat The Rich - Michelle is a disgruntled waitress at a snobby exclusive restaurant who falls on hard times. Forced to deal with the contempt and disgust of the upper class, Michelle & cohorts attempt to go on a rampage. Meanwhile, General Karprov and Spider plot to involve the inept anarchists into their plans to derail the prime-minister-to-be's campaign.

 
Best of Dr. Doom
"Now Michele, we generally don't comment on the diners' choices of entre and it is never appropriate to use the phrase 'chalk faced whore', do you understand," queried the manager? Post Whitehouse on the job training was harder than Mrs. Obama thought it would be...

 Best of chronos Z. wonderpig "Now look! You can't eat the carpet, who do you think you are, Hillary?"
 
Best of Son Of The Godfather "Perhaps you didn't hear me? I'm a food critic for Yelp."

 Best of Dr. Doom "This gagh is not fresh, the chef will feel my wrath," complained the First Lady, "Fetch my bat'leth, Shidroj Ngog!"

Best of jimmy "Little b*tch tried to tell *me* I ought to eat those awful school-lunch meals. Yeah, that's the spot she hit the floor when I snapped her neck."

Best of Mr Hanket No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.

 Best of Double the U Listen here! You finish all of those bread sticks and don't give me any lip about them being "unlimited"
 

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"..and if you want to be my food tasters you best learn not to sit down before I do!!"

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Old White Socialist Debate



1. Sponsored by Depends...
2. The whitest show since The Brady Bunch got canceled.
3. The Democrat Debate actually got great ratings at first, until people figured out it wasn't an episode of The Walking Dead.
4. CNN was careful to make sure the Green Room was stocked with Ensure and room-temperature pudding.
5. Strangely enough, Bill Clinton "Feels the Bern" every time he pees.

Best of GregMan
    Topic #1: What's the best way to get those d@mn kids off my lawn?

Best of Dr. Doom
    Worst Pez dispenser collection evah...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    The one reason Hillary can never cap here:
    check --> __ I'm not a robot

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    How exciting, a two and a half hour commercial for "Hoveround".

Best of jimmy
    The debate had to be cut short because the day passes from Shady Pines won't allow them out after 9:30.

Best of Dr. Doom
I for one will be waiting on the edge of my seat to hear which candidates come out in favor of carpet eating. Anyone want to give me odds?

Best of mega
    "And now we'd like to ask each of the candidates about White privilege..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
    Five people who don't understand why Funtcuck is funny.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Trump and the Wise Latina



1. "Surely judging this lowbrow 'Belching Contest' will ruin Trump's poll numbers," sniffed the GOP Establishment. Instead, his numbers went up again.

2. "Nice Rendition of 'God Bless America,' Sugartits. Now, get back to work building my wall."

3. "It's twoooo! It's y-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ge."

4. The former members of Menudo have not aged well.

5. "And now, my impression of Joe Biden."

Best of dadoctah
    Jeff Dunham, you zany guy!

Best of mega
"In keeping with Mr. Trumps deep history of conservativism, any hispanics who shows up at a DMV can now vote even without a license or ID, as long as you vote for Trump! Plus, he just paid off the city to demolish all your homes to put up a new casino, so get the F out of here and pack your bags."

Best of Dr. Doom
 "Justice Sotomayor, you're fired," shouted President Trump. After his election the Trump Whitehouse took on a reality show quality...


Best of Mr Hankey
Consuela learns he means it when he tells her that illegals are going to get it in the ass under a Trump administration.

Best of jimmy
Consuela mistakenly thought she had arrived on the stage at The Price Is Right, and that Trump was about to give her a brand! new! car!

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Emmanuel. Rahm, Emmanuel.



1. Gunning down the entire City Council, gangland style. #435 on the list of things only Democrats can get away with.

2. "Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you, say what one more Goddamn time!"

3. "Pew! Pew! Pew!"

4. "No fair! We called 'Gun Free Zone.'"

5. Still warm from his 'Cleveland Steamer,' Rahm Emmanuel "pays" another Cicero Prostitute.

Best of dadoctah
    "Hurr durr hurr durr. I'm a right-wing Republicran."

Best of dadoctah
Settle down, Rahm, it's okay. Now you can get breakfast at Mickey D's after ten-thirty *without* a gun!

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
    "The name is Bond. Municipal Bond! Hey, I've got a whole briefcase fulla them!"

Monday, October 05, 2015

Take Me Out


1. Almost any caption relating to the Cincinnati Reds would work here.
2. Metaphor's for Obama ISIS policy. For a metaphor for Vladimir Putin's ISIS strategy, click here.
3. No more absurd than the notion that the baseball season should extend into November.
4. Gawd, I hate tampon ads.

Best of jimmy
    You'd be tip-toeing too if you had to play ball in the cats' litterbox.

Best of Double the U
    ...and yet even they thought Obama looked like a pussy when throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Those balls are all high and inside.

Best of dadoctah
    "We wanna pitcher, not a ballet itcher!"

Best of Whacko
    If I were a billionaire I would buy the Yankees and this would be the uniform.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Cubs fans will do almost anything to lift the curse...

Friday, October 02, 2015

Arkansas Royal Family


1. "No, Bill, this is your daughter. Put it back in your pants."
2. "Stuck with Webb Hubbell's face and mom's hips ... I hate both of you!"
3. "And then, I'll burn this sh-thouse of a country to the ground... damn, is my mic on?"
4. "You think it's funny that Russians have all my emails, Bill? Wait until they hack your browser history."
5. "I am also amazed that every Arab Sheikh rejected our offer of Chelsea."

Best of Steve O
    Am I the only to notice this... that Chelsea looks like an even less-attractive young version of Hillary? She's got a little bit of a Dobby/Hillary love child thing going on there.

Best of Dr. Doom
    Hillary: "So it is settled then. After I am elected Chelsea will be crowned Princess Regent of Arkansas, Tennessee, and the Carolinas and Bill will be in charge of my harem... after the castration of course.
    Bill: "Sounds goo... wait what?"

Best of Tim
    When it comes to blood relationships, one of these three does not belong with the others.

Best of Whacko
    "OK, this has been great. See you both in another 5 or 6 years?"