Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Miss Direction



1. Andrew Sullivan does the same with his Hope and Change poster, but it is far more graphic.

2. "Oh, yeah, Niall. You be the Republican Establishment, I'll be the Conservative base. Make it rough, Niall."

3. "Well, mom said if I really want those backstage passes, I better be willing to go places other girls won't."

Best of Rodney Dill
    Stud finder - ur doin it rong.

Best of Mac
    Poster? Damn near wrecked her.

Best of Mr Hankey
    Scratching posts for preteens for fixing that special itch

Best of John Schneider
    YOu just gave me a paper cut. No, I said CUT!!!!

Best of Mr Hankey
    Julie can't share all of the pictures of where she took Flat Stanley.

 

Monday, November 23, 2015

OK, Obvious Photoshop but Still ... No, Just No

Blame Schneider



1. And now you know why refugees have begun sewing their own mouths shut.

2. Other orifices are available for #BlackLivesMatter

3. What Shallow Hal saw at the protest.

4. Photoshop or not, a pretty succinct version of the actual Obama refugee policy.

5. Hm, must be Swedish.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    It may be cruel, but it's the only way to turn 'em back.

Best of Mr Hankey
    ....and for Twinkies, and Hershey Bars, and Rice Crispie Treats, and....

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Mr.President, I think we've found a place to put them all with room to spare...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    In my Tom Petty voice:
    ♫ "Don't... have... to spread for the refugees..." ♫
    ♫ (Don't have to spread for the refugees..." ♫

Best of GregMan
    "...and I live near Dick Lick Park!"

 Best of Dr. Doom
    Looks like the Obama administration Immigration Czar has hit the ground running...

Best of Dr. Doom
    If the Safe Schools Czar were transferred to DHS... (it would explain a lot in real life wouldn't it?)

Friday, November 20, 2015

"Careful, babe, or someone's going to drown in those eyes of yours."


1. "I want to pour maple syrup all over and lick it off... slowly."
2. Match-dot-com scores its biggest coup ever.
3. Vladimir Putin sees this and thinks whatever the Russian word for "submissive bottom twink" is.
4. "Two hits of... um... X ... and um... I'm anybody's.... um... bitch."
5. Suddenly, the SCOAMF didn't miss Reggie Love at all.

Best of Best of
    The safe phrase is "black lives matter."

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
    Bat Cave, 10 minutes........

Best of GregMan
    "So, Barry, what are your best tips for destroying a formerly-free Western nation?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"So Justin have you heard about Man Country," queried the President? "You know they are franchizing don't you? I'm thinking, MC Montreal... just imagine the French maid costume possibilities..."

Best of Dr. Doom
"So about that $9.99 head... is that ten bucks Canadian or Amerikkkan," asked the President? "It doesn't really matter I guess, at those prices my Secret Service detail is long gone..."

Best of jimmy
 "So, you're Pierre Trudeau's son? Wow....I used to read his Doonesbury comics all the time. I even understood several of them."
    [uncomfortable pause]
    "Okay, maybe one or two of them were explained to me, but I still thought they were really clever."

Best of curly
    "I wish I could rigorously vet you."

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Your Move

Moar Chess Peeces Heer

The Chappaqua HillBillies

HTSK

1. "Tell purse girl to dump this load of Saudi cash in the trunk and get ready for the contribution from the Wall Street Hedge managers."

2. "Can you think of any reason we're being haunted  by the spectral figures of young Gloria Steinham and Charlie Sheen?"

3. Cut to Rod Serling: "Submitted for your approval, an aging Lothario whose insatiable lust for chubby woman is matched on by the insatiable lust for power of his harridan wife. This accused rapist and his greedy corrupt wife are the leaders of a political party that professes support for women's rights and against rapacious capitalism. You have entered, The Twilight Zone."

4. "Never mind her, she's just another personal assistant praying for the sweet release of death that will never come... [cackling laugh]."

5. "Hey, at the rate the SCOAMF is going, there may not be much left of America for you to destroy."

ThreadwinnerUSMC2841
    Nice of Bernie to get us backstage to Eagles of Death Metal.

Best of Mr Hankey
    So with your new brain, I expect to see a great performance of "Puttin On The Ritz" tonight.

Best of jimmy
    Hillary: "But Bill, she's following me *everywhere*, carrying that bag of secret Benghazi e-mails. She is always just in the edge of every photo taken of me."
    Bill: "You really don't grasp symbolism at all, do you?"

Best of metalgarth
    Picture if you will two Americans who have had power and money beyond the dreams of almost everyone out there. They think it is just another routine stop along the campaign trail but today's stop is in the most politically unfriendly place in THE TWILIGHT ZONE

Monday, November 16, 2015

Time for him to Go


1. Nothing like sucking down some rich Colombian in the morning... also, this coffee isn't bad.
2. "The complete destruction of Amerikka should be complete in 5...4...3...2..."
3. "This is just decaf... who needs caffeine when you can get pure muthafruckin' crystal meth..."
4. "This coffee is cold, black, and bitter... which reminds me, where's M'Chel. She was supposed to be here ten minutes ago."
5. "Can't believe McCain kept this in his ass all the time he was in that Viet Cong prison."

Best of I am not a robot
"Eleven minutes from clothes off to walking out the front door... you're getting better Obama."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Yep, I can just make my tee time."

Best of Mr Hankey
According to my Fit Bit, I've only had 3 cry baby fits today in front of the media.

Best of jimmy
"Now...let's see. The big hand is on the 1-2, and the little hand is on the 1-1, so it's....oh, hell! That skinny hand is going around really fast! Is it 11:12, or....Malaria! Explain this to you daddy."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Time to pork the one I love," realized the President, "Where is Reggie anyway?"

Best of metalgarth
I should be able to get to Dick Lick Park by 5 this afternoon

Best of curly
"Thanks to my Iranian nuke deal, the Doomsday Clock should read about a half second to midnight. Allahu Akbar!"

Best of GregMan
"Cool! Who knew you could get gay p0rn on this thing?"

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "I sure wish m'Chel didn't make me wear this tracking collar so prominently..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Oh, Jeez, look at the time. I've got to go perpetrate another outrage."

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Putin and the Putz


1. Putin: "So tell me, Mr. Obama. How is it that you have been bombing ISIS for over a year, and yet the French just now are bombing their headquarters?"

2. Putin: "No, Mr. Obama, you may not bum a Menthol Kool off me."

3. "No, Mr. Obama, I will not attempt to cuckold you with your wife; I prefer women."

4. "By the way, if your vice president gropes my wife in the shoulders again, I will rip off his arm and shove it up his ass."

5. "You know, Mr. Obama, this is usually the point at which I say, 'but first, you will blow me,' but after what I saw in the KGB files about your history at, how do you say, 'Man's Country,' I do not want any part of me in any part of you."


Best of John Schneider
ORA:
Obama: Rolled a 20, that's a critical hit!
Putin: Gotta roll again to confirm.
Obama: OK here goes....dammit, a one! Sunovabitch!
Putin: Maybe next time you'd like to play Catan?


Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
No Barry, I do not have any three's. Go Fish!

 
Best of GregMan
"So these two pantsuit-wearing bulldykes walk into a television studio..."
 

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"No, that's the deal; you sing one chorus 'Camptown Ladies' up on stage there, in front of press, with cakewalk; I stop bombing your Syrians for one week. Final offer. Take it or leave it! And I want plenty 'doo-dahs'out of you, Buckwheat!" 

Best of I am a robot
Okay, let's see if we have this all worked out, for the first twenty minutes you will give the gimp over here a shirtless back rub while I watch and watch porn. Then he will turn around and... are you writing all this down Huma?
 
Best of Rodney Dill
"No I'm sure it has to be Tuesday for a Royal Fizzbin."

Best of jimmy
Putin: "What is this? NO, for the last time I'm NOT going to do cocaine with you! The last time you talked me into doing lines, we ended up in a 'four-gy' with Merkel and Khadaffi."
 
Best of Dr. Doom
Mr. Obama: "Is it Col. Mustard in the library with the lead pipe?"
Mr. Putin: "Nyet"
 
Best of Rodney Dill
"You'd do it for Randolph Scott."

Best of Mr Hankey
....but you were very clear Mr Obama that you would have more power after the election. So where is my NFL franchise?

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Vet's Day One Shot

I *had* something for Veteran's Day but ... long story short... I can't get to it.


Best of Son Of The Godfather
Dudes, I would so watch a series called "Midget Cops".

Best of Son Of The Godfather
No one dare speak of the mentally challenged son of Optimus Prime.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Putin and Carnac

Brender


1. "In Post-Soviet Russia, fortune reads you."
2. "Robin Williams? I thought you were dead."
3. A: Gunga din. Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
4. A: Executive action. Q: What does Obama look for when he hits up Man's Country?
5. A. A cartwheel, Justin Bieber, and Hillary Clinton Q. Name a stunt, a runt, and a ….

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
Don't you remember? We met at Dick Lick Park......

Best of Rodney Dill
A: Blood, Sweat and Tears
Q: Name the three most unpopular flavors at Baskin-Robbins

Best of Rodney Dill
A: O-Gee-Whiz
Q: What does NASA call its new zero gravity toilet?

Best of Double the U
The Russian "I dream of Genie" adaptation lacked some of the charm of the original

Best of metalgarth
A: Santa Claus, Effective Leadership and Poop Swastikas
Q: Name 3 things that most likely have never been seen or have never existed at Mizzou

Monday, November 09, 2015

Cankles and Madcow


1. A picture that reminds us all how many of America's problems could be solved with a small amount of nerve gas.

2. "Rachel, pull my finger."

3. "Well, tell Ellen she can go ahead and keep the strap-on, but I want my nipple clamps back."

4. "Oh, Rachel, I would never ignore your pleas for help if you were being attacked by terrorists in a Middle-East sh-thole."

5. "Chris Hayes asked me if I he could borrow a tampon earlier. Is there something I should know?"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey Rachel, see if you can guess who I ate with last night..." blows in her face.

Best of Nate
Hillary, I'm flattered, but aren't you already married?

Best of Best of
Honey, screw the commercial stuff... just use vinegar and water.

Best of GregMan
Two bull-dykes wearing pantsuits walk into a TV studio...

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
I think you'd look fabulous in a green camel toe jump suit!!

Best of Mr Hankey
God darnit, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"Didn't we share a foxhole back when I was a Marine?"
"No, we shared a fox's hole whose name was 'Maureen.'" - V

Best of Rodney Dill
"Oink, oink, OOOOink."
"Moo Moooooo Mooo Moo."
"Oink oinky oink oink."
"Moo Moo Moo Moooooo Moo moo"
...

Friday, November 06, 2015

This Just Made Me Laugh

View post on imgur.com

"Damn! Well, I guess we gotta call Michael Moore and tell him his automatic Chee-to feeding machine still has some kinks to work out."

Sorry I'm Late

Moar here


Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Rectum... Almost killed him!

Schneider


1. Wow, that fella sure does like corn!

2. "Democrat Party Metaphors! Get Your Democrat Party Metaphors!"

3. "Oh, yeah, I see your problem. Hand me that 5/16 wrench, would you please?"

4. "The acoustics in here are amazing!"

5. Rehearsals started this week for "Goatse: The Musical."

Best of Dr. Doom
Yoga parties at Barney Frank's house are not for the faint of heart but they are a great place to get Richard Gere's autograph...

Best of Rodney Dill
    OMG... It's full of stars!

Best of Nose
    I found some more of your emails, madam secretary....

Best of jimmy
    Quentin Tarrantino's Christmas card photo

Best of metalgarth
    "How the Headless Horseman stays in shape after Halloween"

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    Well I see Greg Lougayness is still diving.

Best of GregMan
    Morning calisthenics on Folsom Street were about what you'd expect.

Best of Dactyl
    When the Hokey-Pokey goes terribly wrong...

Best of Mr Hankey
    Behind the scenes where CNBC staffers were hard at work coming up with questions for the GOP candidates.

Best of dadoctah
    "Hey, I can see my house from here!"

Best of curly
If you like your private health insurance plan’s queef inspector, you can keep your private health insurance plan’s queef inspector. Period.

Monday, November 02, 2015

The Fix Is In





1. And if he can't, his daddy's friends can.
2. A really odd slogan for a Vasectomy Clinic.
3. Unless the problem is illegal immigration, common core, or Republican cronyism.
4. Jeb and his team of highly-qualified illegal immigrant laborers are available for all manner of light contracting work and household chores.
5. If you are dyslexic and read the sign as "Fix it, Can Jeb" the sign makes a lot more sense.

Best of Submariner
    When did Home Depot start allowing day labor businesses to operate out of their shed displays?

Best of jimmy
    Fine Print: "These statements not verified by the RNC. Support of this candidate is not intended to treat, diagnose, or cure any ills of the nation."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
    "Uhm, yes... I seemed to have lost my vehicle on the roof of a Holiday Inn. "

Best of Dr. Doom
    Fortunately after the election President Trump set Jeb up in his own little cottage industry - fixing parking tickets at the deportation centers...

Best of metalgarth
And on the next Arrested Development.... Jeb goes head to head with Bob the Builder. (ooops, wrong family of self entitled nimrods)

Best of Steve O
    Jeb, Can it.

Recalculating...

Schneider

1. Another Proud Graduate of the Kelsey Grammer Driving School.
2. Time of accident: About 45 seconds after the driver said "Hold my beer and watch this."
3. This sort of thing happens at every Kennedy family reunion. The locals are accustomed to it.
4. "No vacancy! I'll show those assols No Vacancy."
5. "Looks like those Duke Boys missed the Check-In Counter by about 50 feet... vertically."

Best of of
    I'm not a real stunt car driver, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.

Best of USMC2841
    Like a drunk neighbor State Farm is there.

Best of jimmy
    "I'll take 'Things That Would Make Flo S#!t Her White Jumpsuit' for $400, Alex..."

Best of metalgarth
    Ted Kennedy spent a night at a Holiday Inn Express last night

Best of Double the U
 You know that time in your life where you are almost too old for the back seat of a car yet too young to get a motel room? Holiday Inn Express has a solution.

Best of metalgarth
 Don't be too proud of this technological terror you have constructed. The ability to drop a car on the top of a Holiday Inn Express is insignificant compared to the power of Disney's lawyers to sue the ass off of anyone for unauthorized use of Star Wars related properties.

Best of curly
    "Thank you for calling Uber tech support. My name is Patel; how can I help you?"