Saturday, December 31, 2016

VTK NYE PSA

Trigger Discipline is the number one rule for gun safety. See illustration below.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Another Loose End

If you can't caption it, just tell me WTF is going on in it.



1. Hillary and Huma resort to cosplay in an attempt to bring the spice back to their relationship.

2. "Nazi Candles" never quite took off the way Yankee Candle did.

3. ORA:  Next on Archer: Pam and Cheryl hang out in Krieger's office with milk and candles.

Best of Dr. Doom
The Nazi candles White Privilege scent was quite popular in Trump Tower and certain areas of Montana and Idaho...

Best of Nose
If you could go back in time and milk Hitler, would you?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Leftovers and Loose Ends

It's that time of year when I post the pics that have been sitting around for months unused and make them open threads.


Friday, December 23, 2016

Cankles Noir



1. Dammit Huma, even though you cost me the election, why can't I quit you.

2. "Dealer is late as usual, I hate these 'multicultural' neighborhoods."

3. "I wonder what a Crack Master really is. I bet Bill would know." 

4. Agent Scully has not aged well.

5. Hillary waits outside surfing for BarelyLegalGirlOnGirl as her "Specialist" prepares to "plug another DNC Emails leak."

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Sir Mix-A-Lot May Have to Make an Exception



1. Seeing that today's protest at Trump Tower was canceled on account of rain, Michael Moore decided to hail a cab, go home, and binge-watch Man vs Food.

2.  Up next on 'The View,' Lena Dunham's tribute to Gene Kelly.

3. ORA:  And this is why Latka had to replace Cab 804's entire suspension.

4. She just got a Brazilian wax job the acreage of which exceeded Brazil's annual rainforest deforestation.

5. "Go on now, go, walk out the door/Just turn around now/Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?/Do you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?" --- Hey, it's just plain efficient to recycle captions.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Ho, Ho, No...



1. Well, the Electoral College has voted, and Anthony Weiner no longer has any reason to give a sh-t.

2. This kind of thing was always happening to Ron Weasley.

3. The line was actually, "Away to the window I flew like a flash..." I don't know WTF you heard.

4. Match the onlooker to the thoughtbubble: "Not quite a stocking stuffer... maybe an ankle sock."

5. The mistletoe was a nice touch.

Monday, December 19, 2016

I Really, REALLY Shouldn't Do This, But...


1. "Whether you're a brother, or whether you're a mullah, you're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
     Ah - ah - ah - ah- Stayin' Alive, stayin' alive..."

2. Bad idea: Rebooting 'Pulp Fiction.' Terrible idea: Casting Ryan from 'The Office' as Marcellus Wallace.

3. "As Allah is my witness, I shall never be hungry again!" (It sort of came true.)

4. "Go on now, go, walk out the door/Just turn around now/Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?/Do you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?"

5. "Dear Mr. Altintas, Your vetting process is complete and you are approved for immigration to the United States. Welcome to America. Sincerely, John Kerry's State Department."

Saturday, December 17, 2016

The Ultimate "Where Will You Be When Your Laxative Kicks In" Caption Beg


1. "Mr President we found your sealed college transcripts on Wilileaks."

2. After eight years of trying, Chris Matthews finally made it into the presidential podium.

3. Obama learns that the Wikileaks emails include an "untucked" picture of M'Chel.

4. "Just one hit," Malaria said. "It'll take the edge off," she said. "Next thing I know, the press room is melting into the floor and Jonathan Karl has morphed into Pepe the Frog."

5. Like MacBeth's Banquo, the ghost of Harambe still haunts the president's press conferences.

Best of metalgarth
No..... Not Lenny!!!!!

Best of Dr. Doom
Kenyan death stare in 3... 2... 1...


Best of GregMan
"Oh my God he actually DID win the election!"


Best of Dr. Doom
"I had the Secret Service lean on those ba$tards over at Go Daddy to shut down that right wing Christian hate site that was so mean to me," thought the President, "But somehow they have come back and they are meaner than ever. I guess I will have to call in one of those um, air thingys the ahhh, air force briefed me on back when I was still listening to briefings..."


Best of Kaptain Krude
Thought bubble: " "


Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Oh, my God, that's my box of 'special photos' of me and my 'body man' Reggie. What's Tucker Carlson doing with it????"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Her boobs are too big, and that is waaaay too much whiskey."

 

Friday, December 16, 2016

Meant to Post This Yesterday


Perhaps this will help more monors find this site.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

It Lives



1. The donors just love waving a check in front of her, then snatching it away shouting, "You can offer me nothing, so you get nothing!"

2. "The shoes? I like to throw them at the children who muff their lines. Goddess! I love Christmas pageants."

3. "Are you the angel of death, come to take me by the hand and free me of my burdens?" "No, ma'am... I'm Scruffy... the janitor."

4. "Why isn't there a goddam bourbon in this hand? What do I pay you shit-kickers for?"

5. "Are you a friend of Bill W?"
Best of Best of
Please pass me some toilet paper.

Best of Mr Hankey
Madame Tussaud's wax museum pictured Hillary perfect in her hands out for donations pose.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Alms! Alms!", the old lady cried, as I hurriedly adjusted my collar against the winter chill and bustled past Bum's Corner. I thanked my lucky stars that it was too cold for the flashers and other perverts to be out, or, at least, too cold for them to be noticable.

Best of Dr. Doom
It would take months for Hillary to overcome her instinctive "money grab" pose when meeting strangers. Later in life it would come in handy in her new career as a Wal-Mart greeter...

Best of GregMan
Are you going to finish those fries?"

Hillary hitting rock bottom on the street outside a McDonald's was a pathetic sight.

Wait, scratch that, I mean wonderful sight.

Best of Riteaidbob
"Here...pull my finger."

Monday, December 12, 2016

"Genderqueer" South African "artist" expresses xyr feelin's 'bout white folk.



1. The new Batman villain has an interesting hook.

2. The main reason people are starving in Africa.

3. The new abstinence spokesman was surprisingly effective.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Der Fuhrer's Face


1. Bibi Netanyahu abruptly figures out who the German Chancellor reminds him of.

2. You can pick your Chancellor, and you can pick your nose. And apparently...

3. "Eye Poke! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!"

4.  "There's either a really gross booger or the oil-slick alien from the X-Files on your upper lip."

5.  "It's okay, Angela, Hillary always fails my Field Sobriety Tests as well."

Saturday, December 10, 2016

This Year, Christmas Comes to Santa


This must be why he keeps a list of naughty girls.


Wednesday, December 07, 2016

Do I Make You Horny, Baby



1. And the next item on my list of things more enjoyable than dealing with Google Tech support...

2. "Oh, stop whining, we'll just put some Bactine on it."

3. The ironic death of the guy who invented Facebook's "poke" feature.

4. Why you always say "No" when a bull offers you a "Hertz Doughnut."

5. These Millenials and their crazy body modifications, I don't know....

Ugh... Google....

Yeah, so... the rather complicated story is that the Domain Registration for vthek.net expired and I never got any notice of this. So, I tried to go to Google (who owns Blogger which is where the site is set up) to try and resolve the matter. But Google said, "Since you bought the domain through Go Daddy, you have to renew it through them." But Go-Daddy said, "Nope, since your site is hosted on Google's servers, you have to renew the Domain through them." So, after two days of trying to work out a reasonable solution, I just bought a new Domain. I hope monors can find it.

Also, here's some second rate pr0n...


Monday, December 05, 2016

When You Eat Too Much Cheese

Schneider



1. "Can't... hold... in... queef... much... longer...."

2. After much strenuous effort, Stretch Pelosi was finally able to blink.

3. Women of the Democrat Caucus all demonstrating their 'O' face.

4. "Oh, no! Do farts have lumps?"

5. "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

Best of metalgarth
KEGELS: UR DOIN' THEM TOO WELL, AKTUALLY

Best of GregMan
"Dammit, my Crack-Master is out of control!"

Best of Dr. Doom
After the Trump win Minority Leader Peloci loses no time in assembling the coven...

Best of Mr Hankey
Following her edict of" we'll figure it out once we pass it", Nancy regrets that last Del Taco Green Burrito.

Saturday, December 03, 2016

Brokeback Starship

Schneider



Threadwinner: metalgarth
Mr. Sulu and I were going to do something anal in an adult and pleasurable context. You in, Mr. Spock?

Best of John Schneider
Sorry, didn't mean to get that in your beard.

Best of metalgarth
Science officer 'eh? Maybe you could study my sexy learning disability. What's it called Kiff? (Groan) Sex-lexia.

Best of David
Why cain't I warp you?

Best of jimmy
"Oooh, Spock! Phasers are set to *stunning*..."

Best of Dr. Doom
Kirk: "Ooh that Romulan uniform really does it for me Mr. Spock"
Spock: "Cosplay Friday is illogical Captain, but very entertaining..."

Games Day


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Eating Dinner with Mittens


1. "Oh, no, Willard. You lost the bet. You *will* eat the raw Rocky Mountain Oysters."

2. The only thing that's missing from this picture is Mittens holding up a newspaper with today's date on it.

3. "Mmm-Mmm... antique telephone pole insulators. Them's good eatin'."

4. Happy Family Home Evening! The best Jell-O salads are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Mormons!

5. "Eat your fancy scallops, Establishment boy. A bowl of Jack Daniels and Product 19 is all a real man needs for dinner."



Best of metalgarth
President Muntz: "The RNC says for you to SHUT UP"
Romney: "Priebus said that?"

Best of V the K
"We discussed a possible role in the administration, but, unfortunately, I don't think I can fit into the gimp suit."

Best of Jay Guevara
Pro tip for The Donald: don't let him go to the bathroom. He'll take your canoli on the way out.

Best of Best of
It was a love-hate relationship, but the heart shaped bed covered in silk sheets and rose petals won Mitt over.

Best of GregMan
Mittens wonders when the God Emperor is going to pounce on him and sever his jugular.

Meanwhile...


1. "Wow, Ghost of Christmas Past... you're HOT!"

2. "Now, watch me troll Hillary in the Lesbian Chat Room... 'Hi, I'm a thirty-year old Arab brunette with perky C-cups and love radical politics. So horny tonight!' Oh, crap, now Bill wants to go private."

3. "Don't bother me now... 'Lids' is having a CyberMonday sale."

4. "OK, let's make one more Joe Biden meme and then we'll go back to work on the transition."

5. "Dammit, somebody already claimed 'schlonged.com' and 'pussygrabber.com'."

Best of Jay Guevara
"Watch this. I'll get the Democrats to exactly reverse the position they had last week. Then next week, I'll roll them back to it. They never catch on."

Best of chronos Z wonderpig
"...and with just a click of the mouse I can send 100 cases od depends to Hillary!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"'Two Girls, One Cup', eh? Yeah, sure, I've got a couple minutes."

Best of Dr. Doom
"And with one click I just bought Canada," explained the Donald, "Now the liberals will have to go to Mexico and once the wall is built they will have to stay there..."

Best of metalgarth
I guess Bo 'grabs 'em by the pussy too'

Best of jimmy
KAC: "So who is this Dawn woman, and why is her head exploding?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"The computer wanted to play a game... It's called Global Thermonuclear War, so I thought, why the hell not."


Monday, November 28, 2016

Dog Eats Out Man


1. Yeah, yeah, we all know what happens when you have a dog and smear peanut butter on a p-ssy.
2. From "Can't I just eat my waffle" to "Can't I just enjoy doggy fellatio" in eight short years.
3. "M'Chel and Malia told me I ought to give it a try."
4. Dog Thought Bubble: "Oh, I see you've been neutered also."
5. "Hey, when you got  a dog this talented, you don't just eat him." 

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yes, he'll do fine. Take him around back to the White House chef."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Damn in Bo, watch the teeth," screeched the President, "It looks like I need to send you back to the Chris Matthews School of Obedience..."

Best of jimmy
No one in the White House Press Corps dared point out that "Bo" was actually Chuck Todd in his Furry costume.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Let him inside? On the couch? No way! January 20th is coming, and M'ch'll'e still hasn't made her dress!"

Best of Mr Hankey
"Disney's The Shaggy AG" follows the misadventures of Loretta Lynch after a spell book turns her into a dog. But even being a canine won't stop her from crawling up her master's ass. You'll laugh and cry.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Meanwhile, Back in the Stacks



1. "All right, mom, I'm gonna have to close this Skype now."

2. "Dammit, I hate it when Hillary resets my bookmarks."

3. "OMG, that makes me so hot. I'm taking off my bra now.... Of course I'm a lesbian, too... just my... um... cam isn't working because of software, but I'm totally hot and female right now. Don't stop."

4. "OK, just dropped the six-year-old and the four-year-old off for story time, and now some daddy-time."

5. "Meh... it's not the best Thursday pic ever, but it beat that swan peeing on that girl."

Monday, November 21, 2016

Why Can't Democrats Let a Republican Enjoy a Play?



1. "Why do they always seat me behind Ann Coulter's replicants?"

2. And apparently, one of the replicants just farted.

Friday, November 18, 2016

You're Welcome


Anti-Trump Woman Transgender Commie Feminist Screams at Horse

Schneider

1. "I LOVED YOU IN 'HOCUS POCUS.' CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH!"

2. Horse Thought-Bubble: "Why is this crazy chick screaming at me? Doesn't she realize I'm a horse."

3. Horse Thought-Bubble: "I should have stayed in Enumclaw."

4. Difference between transgender commie feminist and the horse? Men actually want to mount the horse.

5. The horse he rode in on was decidedly not interested in the offer.

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"DON'T SNORT AT ME! WE ALL HAVE DAYS WE DON'T FEEL AS FRESH AS WE'D LIKE TO!"

Best of Rodney Dill
The Ruggles win the pennant, the Ruggles win the pennant.

Best of metalgarth
"Lena Dunham and Sarah Jessica Parker get into an argument. Film at 11"

Best of Jay Guevara
"For the umpteenth time, I am NOT John Kerry!"

Best of George C. Papoon
"That's it, I'm moving to a rehab farm in Tennessee, I'd rather have a Weiner on my back than this twat in my face."

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

LOL

 



Best of dadoctah
Hey, Reagan fans, you wanted the eighties back? Probably should have been more specific.


Best of Submariner
Ang Lee's remake of "Pretty in Pink" was about what you'd expect...

Best of Whacko
Secretary of Rear Entry (not that there is anything wrong with that), Secretary of Finding Gender Studies Majors Something to Do, and the Secretary of Tastefully Combining Plaids.


Best of Dr. Doom
In the participation trophy line after the Mr. California contest...

Best of Jay Guevara
Zombie Charles Darwin: "I ... I ... I don't understand! How can this happen?"

 

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Two-Shot

Schneider
 

1. Jetliner bukkake is the latest and hottest trend in Japanese pr0n.

2. Local health officials took no chances when Miley Cyrus's plane arrived.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Trumped


1. When you realize what you just won is $20 Trillion of debt and a dumpster fire foreign policy.

2. Trump's thought bubble: "This place would look so much better in gold lame wallpaper."

3. Presidents of the United States? Or two guys waiting at Talbot's while their wives try on outfits.

4. "We'll just give Hillary a Participation Trophy and tell her Everyone's a winner."

5. "... And that is why the fireplace must never be unsealed. Heed my warning, well."

Friday, November 11, 2016

Callsign: "Broomstick One"


Despite a thorough shampoo and detailing, the stench of failure would remain with the plane until the end of its days.

White House Sourpusses as Trump Era Begins



1. Crying chick in back. "Why doesn't anyone ever want to grab me by the p-ssy?"
2. I thought black was supposed to be slimming. I guess not.
3. "Do you have to take that damn ham radio everywhere you go?"
4. Obama staffers... or mourning relatives of a rich maiden aunt upon learning she left all her money to the no kill cat shelter?
5. "The Deplorables are invading my Safe Space!"

Oh, my. Yummy!


1. I just can't help wondering how many cats they own between them. Gotta be like... 50.

2. "But... but... you promised we could smash the Patriarchy!"

3. "But you promised that we would never have to deal with life's harsh realities."

Best of GregMan
Is this that "Lamentation of their women" thing Conan was going on about? 'Cause I'm liking it!

Best of Jay Guevara
"OK, OK, who flashed that photo of Anthony Weiner's dick on the screen?"

Best of Jay Guevara
Someone just explained heterosexual relations to them. Asian guy looks intrigued. The others, not so much.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"... and then >sob<, they said we could eat a Bag of Dicks!"

Best of Mr Hankey
Can you guess which one went down on Hillary and which one went down on Bill?

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

Too Soon


The Election Results: Summarized



Best of jimmy
The shoes? Eh, not her style. Those stripes, though, suit her to a T.

Best of tonn
Hillary loses Kansas in a big way.

Best of Dr. Doom
After her run for the Presidency, Hillary threw her hat into the ring for the Mayor of Munchkinland with much the same results...

Best of dadoctah
I got news for you guys. That's Carly Fiorina!

Monday, November 07, 2016

The Horrible Grandma



1. Blah, blah, blah incubus... blah, blah, blah life force...

2. Hilary insisted on inspecting the main course before each of John Podesta's "Spirit Dinners."

3. Nice catch.

4. "I get almost sad when I think of the Venezuelan-style poverty this little one will have to do; but then I remember, I'll be living a giant house surrounded by armed guards and piles of dough. Woo-Hoo!"

5. "Does this child have a preferred pronoun? I'll just refer to it as 'dinner.'"

Best of dadoctah
"Jeez, first colorful balloons, and now this!"

Best of dadoctah
So this is Trump's fourth wife.

Best of loaded4bear
Guess which one has a load in their diaper.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Yum!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ahhh yessss," hissed Mrs. Clinton, "this one will be perfect for the ritual sacrifice at my inauguration. Fatten it up for the occasion, Huma..."

Best of Dr. Doom
The onlookers watched in horror as Hillary's jaw slowly unhinged...

Friday, November 04, 2016

Hey, Check Out the Weiner on That Horse

Anthony Weiner reports for horse therapy.


Best of dadoctah
"Time to go meet up with Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Applejack."

 

Best of Russ in OR
Nice of Hillary to suggest this clinic.
Maybe she forgives me after all.
But why is everyone calling me "Mr. Hands"?

Best of jimmy
Excerpt from November 6, 2016 e-mail from John Podesta to HRC

[snip]...Stage Four: Have Weiner committed to a rural, secluded 'clinic'---check
Stage Five: Stage 'accident' involving auto-erotic asphyxiation and a compliant horse--in process
Stage Six: Issue press release stating how the campaign is shocked by...[snip]

Best of Dr. Doom
Carlos Danger rides again...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hey Huma, why the long face?"

Best of George C. Papoon
So the horse, having lost the bet with the drunk man in the bar over who had the biggest weiner, went out and got another.

 

Thursday, November 03, 2016

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

FAB Presses the Flesh in the Hood.




1. ORA: "My schedule said 'Interview with BBC,' this was not what I expected. I should never have hired a gay dude as my campaign manager."

2. "When I'm President, you guys can all have jobs bringing me and Bill coffee."

3. "Stop me if you've heard this one before, two black guys and a lesbian walk into a bar..."

4. "Why yes, Chelsea always enjoys a good spit-roasting. When is your barbecue?"

5. "Swing loooow, sweet chari-uh-hut... Come on, sing it with me, I'm told you people love these old spirituals."

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "Are you 243, 238, or 241? I can never tell you guys apart."

Best of jimmy
"It's so nice to finally meet you. I've watched you play Benson the butler on TV for years!"

Best of Mr Hankey
Why yes, I speak jive

Best of Dr. Doom
"Remember, he will be riding a horse and wearing a blue helmet," explained Mrs. Clinton, "make it look like an accident..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
".... so then I told him that I would have more room to be flexible with their demands once I'm, quote 'elected' unquote. >cackle< >cackle< >snort< "

Best of Jay Guevara
"Thanks. I ain't no ways tahred no more."

Monday, October 31, 2016

Happy Halloween Monors

Walt... I think



1. Thank You For Flying SkyBitch Airlines.

2. Huma's last thoughts, "I should have known Mid-Flight was an odd time to demonstrate how the Emergency Exit doors worked."

3. "Now, stay in your gawdam seat until we reach the terminal, or we'll bitch slap you into the middle of next week." Hill and Huma prepare for their next careers as Delta flight attendants.

4. "Oh, dear, Huma, there's more people in this plane than there were at my last rally." "Hill, darling, there are more people in the cockpit of this plane than were at your last campaign rally."

5. "Our in-flight movie today is Veronica Guerin,  the story of a nosy journalist who got what was coming to her."

Best of metalgarth
"Transgender Beavis & Butthead" never got the ratings of the original.

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Are you serious right now, Anthony?" queried Huma angrily. "Put that back in your pants and finish copying my e-mails right now!"

 

Best of Best of
LET ME ASK YOU AGAIN!, Do you want to join the mile high club.

 

Best of George C. Papoon
Most airlines give you a tiny bag of stale pretzels, we give you a free Bag of Dicks and you have the nerve to complain ?

Best of V the K

Hillary and Huma look on as Madonna (out of frame) secures another vote.

 

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "Excuse me for a minute... I have to go out on the wing and mess with Shatner's head."

Best of jimmy
Hillary: "Yes, Jennifer...if you just admit you see five lights, everything else will be so much easier."

---Assigned to cover the Clinton campaign, FNC's Jennifer Griffin (AKA "The Last Holdout") resists the brainwashing that has swept through Broomstick One's lap-dog press corps.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Now, *That* Is How You Satisfy a Dame


Too Early for Christmas?

Divine Miss M. 

1. Unlike Spinal Tap, Clay Aiken got exactly the stage prop he wanted.

2. Meanwhile, back on Andrew Sullivan's Amazon Wishlist.

3. You think that's bad, wait until you see the eight dildos pulling Santa's Sleigh.

4. Under President Trump, the National Christmas Tree was a lot more "bigly"

5. The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is a l'il bit different in San Francisco.