1. "Welcome to the State of the Union Speech. You'll be seated between Michael Brown's baby-daddy and a Syrian refugee. Don't sit in the empty chair, it's for victims of Global Warming or something."
2. Ironically, both of them will be making cameo appearances in Fast and Furious 9.
3. "No big deal, I'm constantly running into Latino guys who've banged my ex-wife."
4. The Green Party unveils its 2016 ticket.
5. "Pool's in back; you better have brought your own skimmer."