Wednesday, April 27, 2016

TFG in a Lavender Power Tie

1. "And I spent almost twenty minutes bowing to your wives before I realized it was garbage day and they were just some Hefty bags."

2. "Can I just say, your majesty, what a pleasure it is being your bitch."

3. "Your Majesty... I, um.... would like to have a serious discussion with you on the rights of gay people and religious minorities in your country. HA! Head fake. I came here to apologize for Amerikka. Had you, um, going there for a second, didn't I?"

4. The Saudi King was all prepared to give Obama hell for the dumpster fires his policies had created across the Middle East, but was won over by his flawless Urkel impression. "Did I do that?"

5. "Don't worry, I got them all wee-weed up over letting trannies use the wrong bathroom; they'll never notice the coming Islamic takeover, Allah be Praised!"

Best of Steve O
So, uh, I was watching CNN the other day, and they had a story about ISIS, which I like to call ISIL. Do you guys know anything about that?

Best of Dr. Doom
"I know it is your custom, Your Excellency," wheedled Mr. Obama, "But it really wasn't wise to tell Michelle she cannot drive here. I will speak to the State Department about replacing the casbah..."

Best of jimmy
"Three million for the Klingon woman, and it's a deal."
"Oh, um....okay. Will you accept a post-dated check?"

--Proof positive that Obama can negotiate a good deal when properly motivated

Best of Jay Guevara
"When you said, 'I do,' you made me the happiest man in the world."

Best of Dr. Doom
"No, we don't have a Man Country franchise in Riyadh Mr. President," replied His Majesty, "and I have no idea what this Hardon Collider you speak of is..."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Mecca lecca high,
Mecca hiney ho."

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Coming Soon to a Target Bathroom Near You

Threadwinner metalgarth
I still like the original Masters of the Universe toys better.

Best of Double the U
Pretty accurate, Hillary is a mistress of money, Trump is an annoying loud mouth, and while Sanders looks good on the outside it is nasty on the inside.

Best of Submariner
"The Transgendered Demoncrats" would make a pretty good punk band name...

Best of Dr. Doom
"This meeting of the People Who Should Never Be President Society, Folsom Street Chapter, will now come to order," intoned Chairman for Life Algore with a bang of his gavel...

Best of Dr. Doom
Yep - this is a perfect metaphor for this election cycle. No matter who wins, we're all screwed and its going to hurt...

Best of Kaptain Krude
Welp, I'm going to be having nightmares for months, now. Thanks, V the K, thanks a lot.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Old Monors Never Die

1. Even at 97, Bill Clinton still insisted on personally "vetting" every intern.
2. "Yeah, I figure she's gonna do an Anna-Nicole Smith on me, but what the hell, I'll be dead anyway. Then, it's my kids problem."
3. "Lunch? No thanks, I'll be eating out later."
4. Grandpa Jones didn't know whether he was pleased to see what a fine young woman his great grandson had turned into or if he just f-cking hated the 21st Century.
5. "I'm so old I can remember when 'Daisy Dukes' were called 'Harriet Tubmans.'

Best of Double the U
Remember little Billy, if you study, work very hard, save your money and invest wisely, you can be a sugar daddy as well.

Best of Submariner
1. Even at 97, Bill Clinton still insisted on personally "vetting" every intern.
1. Even at 97, Bill Clinton still insisted on personally "petting" every intern.

There; I fixed it for you.

Best of Submariner
I see that turning 117 hasn't changed ol' Hugh Hefner a bit.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Toga! Toga! Toga!

1. Hillary's inaugural was a low-key affair compared to Barack Obama's.

2. A modern feminist tries to make a sandwich.

3. The First Transgender Olympics are off to a great start.

4. "Them steaks ready yet? Damn you, woman!"

5. ORA: J.J. Abrams remake of Manos: The Hands of Fate was a surprising misfire.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Carry on


1. "Maybe there's a viable presidential candidate over... that way!"

2. "And after you buy me lunch, you can pay for my health care and my Gender Studies degree..." the novelty of dating a Bernie Sanders supporter wore off quickly.

3. "No, take me *that* restroom. I'm genderfying as a Korean woman today."

4.  ♪ Said the hobo to the massive dyke, 'Do you see what I see?' ♪

5. "Carry me! Carry me like Norman Reedus carries The Walking Dead!"

Threadwinner metalgarth
Hernia, you will have. Now to Dairy Queen you take me!

Best of Rodney Dill
That better be a roll of Mentos in your pocket.

Best of GregMan
"Look! Over there! Is that a real conservative? Oh, no, it's just Donald Trump."

Best of Best of
Best guess for this image: personal protective equipment

Thank you Google.

Best of metalgarth
Master Luke, this Common Core Jedi training blows! Let's break out the light sabers and slay some Bernie Bot Droids

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Master Luke, *grunt* I don't mean to *oof* criticize, *grunt* but if you have any *grunt* more cheeseburgers *oof*, they won't call you *grunt* Skywalker anymore, but *grunt* Groundcrawler." Jedi training on day 2, and already there was some personality conflicts.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Watch out! Over there! Look! It's Corvette Summer 2: Electric Boogaloo!" (ORA? It better not be!)

Best of metalgarth
Look an inappropriate Prince meme!

Best of Dr. Doom
Under the new Obama Administration immigration policy, ICE agents are required to give illegal aliens (read under-served future Democrats) piggy back rides into the country...

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Nice Bar, But It Needs More Plaid

1. In 2017, 'the Dyke Look' swept K Street as lobbyists sought to ingratiate themselves with the new Hillary Administration.

2. Mountie Bars are the trendiest thing in Brooklyn and other hipster-infested areas right now.

3. This picture was taken A. In Seattle in 1992 B. In Canada, anywhere, at anytime in history, or C. At the most recent reunion of Hillary Clinton interns.

4. Ironically, the Safe Space bar had to cancel 'Ladies Night' because it made the trannies feel 'Unsafe.'

5. "Whose labia do you have to lick to get a shot of tequila around here?"

Best of Artfldgr
Lesson 1: How to hide in Canada

Best of dadoctah
I see at least five different clans represented here, including two by the guy on the left alone. Not a fellow Maxwell in the bunch, though, so I'll keep a respectful distance.

Best of jimmy
I cut down trees/I wear high heels
suspenders and a bra;
Oh, I wish I'd been a girlie/just like my dear pa-pa!

Best of Dr. Doom
In later years Bob and Doug McKenzie abandoned Canada and opened a bar named 'Hosers' on the south side of Chicago...

Monday, April 18, 2016

Suddenly, I'm Craving Doublemint Gum.

Hold 'Em while I dig into the "Best ofs" Which I can do now. I moved this weekend and haven't connected the new house to the interwebtubes.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Confused Dowager Dodders into Unfamiliar Room

1. HRC's Triffid Overlords express disappointment with her progress.

2. "Oh, when you said there was a 'potted pansy' in the kitchen, I thought you meant George Stephanopoulos."

3. "Grease. Catch. Matches. Check. I am so burning this bitch down."

4. "If only I could make ice cubes out of vodka."

5. "Ah, here's the kitchen. Now, I wonder where they keep the blood of their children."

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The Trump Voter in Repose

I've had the stomach flu for the last two days; this is a fair depiction of what it feels like.

Best of Dr. Doom
Natalie Portman's little brother keeping it real... ORA?

Best of Dr. Doom
"Nope, not in here," thought the Clinton aide as he searched for Hillary's credibility... ethics... morals... achievements... decency...

Best of Double the U
De Blasio's micro-apartments, bedroom, kitchenette and bathroom all in one.

Best of Russ in Oregon
Never drink a beer that Hillary poured.

Best of Steve O
Afraid of additional blow-back from liberals, North Carolina has not yet taken a position on this yet.

Best of Mac
Rush was right, Trump had no idea what was happening in Colorado because his one Delegate was asleep.

Friday, April 08, 2016


1. Well, she never gave Bill a little head, why should this be any different.

2. Have you ever seen anyone grin so proudly after pouring themselves half a glass of beer?

3. And she apparently left the tap running when she was done.

Threadwinner Submariner
Hilldawg; "I enjoy my brew just the way I enjoyed my Huma...Two fingers and a bunch of head."

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
"Is the glass half empty or half full? Either way, you are screwed if you elect me!"

Best of Double the U
Glass of milk before a night of ultra-violence!

Best of Dr. Doom
Here we see a classic example of liberalism. A cool frosty mug of beer is promised, delivery of which is pretty simple but what arrives at the table is warm, all foam, has no body, and cost 40% more because the waiter is making $15 an hour and the alcohol tax is 25%. Sounds a lot like Obamacare doesn't it?

Best of Rodney Dill
"Nothing I enjoy after a tough day on the campaign trail like a tall pint of Trout Sniffer Stout"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Here Bill.... it's better than no head at all."

Best of Varmit
After multiple failed attempts, a future wannabe leader of the free world struggles but eventually manages to pour beer. From a tap. Into a glass. Smiles triumphantly, bows to the crowd of weeping/applauding media sycophants and takes an awkward high-five'ing victory lap around the bar.

Best of Submariner
Here; give this to Barak. He LIKES little glasses of beer...

Best of Best of
I thought I'd try out that tapping it and head thing Bill is always raving about.
Meh. Don't see it, I'm gonna stay with the all you can eat seafood.

Best of GregMan
"If you think I screwed up this glass of beer wait until you see what I do to Amerikkka!"

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

How to be Left Alone on the Subway

1. A new CNN reporter reviews the official manual for interviewing Democrat politicians.

2. "That reminds me, I need to pick up some mouthwash on the way home."

3. A long missing deleted scene from Citizen Kane puts the whole film in a totally different light.

4. "Man, that's gross. You'd want to rinse with Chlorox after doing that."

5. Seriously? An instruction manual? Millennials just can't figure out anything on their own. 

Best of Mr Hankey
...and when you get closer, you realize "that's no beard"!

Best of dadoctah
"Made simple"? What about it is complicated?

Best of jimmy
Also a very effective means of stopping 'manspreading'...

Best of Whacko
I thoght the movie was much better.

Best of Dactyl
"How to be left alone on the subway" Well, not in San Francisco...

Best of Dactyl
That's just the book jacket. He's actually reading "Clinton For Dummies".

Monday, April 04, 2016

Chlorox Cocktail


1. "So, my options are Trump and Hillary? Pass me the ammonia chaser."

2. "I saw Hillary in a thong. Can't. Erase. Image."

3. "We've replaced this Millennial Obama supporter's Kool-Aid with Chlorox bleach; let's see what happens."

4. When there's nothing but Diet Mountain Dew in the fridge.

5. "No my turds will be white, like our friends the birds."

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
the sign said "Free Stuff"

Best of Dr. Doom
Another in a long list of signs that you should have majored in Chemistry instead of that Urban Studies curriculum...

Best of Dr. Doom

Pop Culture 101 Quiz: This individual is ______. Complete the sentence with the best answer:

a) a young Democrat drinking the Hillary campaign Koolaid.
b) one of Rep. Frank's congressional pages.
c) a Trump protester who cannot afford to move to Canada.
d) not going to have to pay those student loans after all.

Best of Best of

All you have is Heineken?! Ok then.

Best of GregMan
Some guys will do anything to wash the taste of Uranus Fudge out of their mouths.

Best of metalgarth
Madonna just pointed at me and wanted me brought backstage. A man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do

Best of metalgarth
"things I'd rather do than watch a Sex in the City marathon"

Best of Dr. Doom
It turns out ass eating isn't so simple after all...

Friday, April 01, 2016

Somewhere, a whorehouse is missing its parlor curtains.

1. This bit was lot funnier when Carol Burnett did it.

2. The most shocking part of a Madonna concert these days and when she shows the audience her boogers.

3. "OK, Audience... now the next part of my show was inspired by a recent trip to Tijuana. Bring out the donkey."

4, "Who called me an old whore? Why, I have half a mind to smack you with a colostomy bag full of dildos."

5. "I'd like point out my children in the audience. 'Hi, kids. Mommy loves you.' And now, I'll perform 'Justify My Love' while my dancers give me a bukkake facial."

Best of GregMan
"Vote for Hillary or I'll touch you with my STD-infested finger!"

Best of jimmy
"All washed up? Smell my finger and you won't say that."

Best of Best of
Like a curmudgeon, pointing out your ev-er-y flaw!

Best of Whacko
"Yaaa! I'm 6 hours late for the concert and you bitches are still in your seats. Who's your mama?!"

Best of Dactyl
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"
Chelsea fires up the troops for Hillary.

Best of Rodney Dill
Dr. Frankenfurter from the new Rocky Whore Picture Show.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Sir Elton... don't you pretend you don't hear me," shouted Madonna, "You better bring back my leather bustier corset with the built in cone bra, and this time make sure it is dry cleaned first!"

Best of Submariner