Tuesday, May 31, 2016

That Poor Bike


Best of Submariner
Curious; does that person require a "CAUTION: Wide Load" chase car?

Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like Shaniqua took the training wheels off her new Sybian...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Objects in the rear view mirror may appear... HOLY SHIT!"

Best of dadoctah
You want a red warning flag tied to it, *you* tie a red warning flag to it!

Best of Jay Guevara
2025: Michelle sorely missed the Presidential limousine.

Best of David
Printed on the T-shirt: IF YOU CAN READ THIS THE CASE OF KRISPY KREMES FELL OFF.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Open Thread Friday

Schneider


Best of metalgarth
Nice dog costume. The dalmation's pretty good too

Best of metalgarth
At least he can take a whiz on any tree he wants to outside Target

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"So, honey, it says if we see a plus sign on the stick you just pee'd on that we... Ruh roh..."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Cruella DeVille had a point.

Best of David
Simultaneous thought bubble: "Oh, crap...Mom's going to see this photo."

Best of Dr. Doom
Later in life Brittany Gray found it harder and harder to remain near climax, much to the chagrin of her husband, Sir Spotty...
Best of Dr. Doom
The scene moments before the Vice Squad broke down the door and arrested the dog for bestiality...

Best of dadoctah
Turns out Michael Vick wasn't such a bad owner after all.

Best of Best of
Only missionary? That was unexpected!

Best of Kaptain Krude
The good news is, is that Pajama Boy has finally manned up a little. The bad news is, is that his new love likes to wear a dog suit.

Best of Steve O
More proof that Dalmatians are blind.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Is This How They Say 'Good Morning' Where You Come From?



1. The Democrats aren't even subtle about it any more.

2. "Mind if I pet your gerbil?"

3. "Oh, you Americans and your silly notions of personal space."

4. "Obamacare surprise mandatory prostate exam!"

5. Missed Connections: "I was wearing white shorts. You felt up my ass at the bar. Call me."

Best of Russ in Oregon
Tell me. Have you ever sen the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris?

Best of Best of
V the K searching through the archives for material to recycle and hoping no one notices.

Best of Dr. Doom
Pop Culture 101 Quiz
(Choose the best answer.)
This picture is an illustration from ________.
a) the Obamacare Health Code Subsection 427,Approved Methods for Treating Anal Leakage
b) an IRS training video.
c) Anthony Weiner's latest twitter feed.
d) a draft of President Obama's next Executive Order.

Best of George Papoon
Another TSA agent on his day off practicing the newest procedures.

Best of metalgarth
First, I Melvin them and if that doesn't work I go full Bill Cosby

Best of dadoctah
Neil and Fiona are into what they call "Muppet roleplaying".

Best of GregMan
"Dang it, I know my car keys are in here somewhere"

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Bathroom Break



1. "Gawd, I hate using the bathrooms at Target."

2. "So, Lloyd, how are things going with that Thai mail-order bride?"

3. The Safe School Czar's advice on finding love seems to work for straight people, too.

4. The couple in the back isn't bothering him. It just really sank in that his choices are Trump or Hillary.

5. "Sheesh, I remember when you could go into a Rest Area men's room and get blown by another dude. I f--kin' hate this century."

Monday, May 23, 2016

And Now For Something Completely Different...

*Third* Rate Pr0n. (HT: The Chive)


Mr. Sanders (will) Tear Down this Wall!


1. Fed Up with his increasingly disruptive behavior, the Democrat Party gave Bernie a timeout.
2. Bernie at last locates the prison where Hillary was holding the Super-Delegates.
3. "OMG, there are like 80,000,000 unregistered Democrat voters on the other side of this wall. We must find a way to get them in!"
4. It then occurred to Bernie that if he ever really did implement socialism, he was going to need this wall to keep people in.
5. Three years into his term, President Sanders inspects the walls of Gulag #32 (formerly, the state of Kansas).

Best of Artfldgr
Sanders was happy the BLM were behind the fence in the approved freedom of speech area...

Best of Artfldgr
Upon arriving at the convention hall, sanders finds that he lost his invitation and no one remembered him...

Best of Artfldgr
Ok OK Trump, i was wrong, you can build a wall, now can you let me back in?

Best of dadoctah
ORA: *knock* *knock* *knock* "Penny?"
*knock* *knock* *knock* "Penny?"
*knock* *knock* *knock* "Penny?"

Best of jimmy
These old folks always show up at the mall before we have a chance to raise the security gates. Why can't they wait until 9am?? Like Sears is *really* going to run out of your old-man boxer shorts?

Best of Mr Hankey
Snake Plissken returns in "Escape From Vermont"

Best of Dr. Doom
"This will make a fine reeducation camp," thought Mr. Sanders...

Best of Best of
Come on, open up, I have coupon that expires today.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Sanders smash! Smash wall! Sanders tear down wall! *yawn* Sanders sleepy! Sanders... zzzz

Saturday, May 21, 2016

26 Years... That's a long time to build a bridge

Friday, May 20, 2016

In the Tank for President Orangey


1. "Get out now, he'll only hurt you. Believe me, I know." - Chris Matthews.

2. I haven't seen a look on a face like that since Ronda Rousey modeled lingerie for Rachel Maddow.

3. "... And then, Sean, once you complete the series and become 'clear,' you then become a Level III Operating Thetan."

4. "You did me a big favor by turning your radio and TV shows into eight months of solid infomercials for my campaign. In gratitude, your death will be swift when The Purges start."

5. "Is this really your bedroom, Hannity? Good Lord, man, you have creeped me the f--k out."

Om Nom Nom Nom


1. rigglypuff wasn't so bad before the all-cookie-dough diet.
2. Seeing the Trump-Hillary choice, an unsurprising number of voters have chosen suicide-through-chocking-to-death-on-cookie-dough.
3. Make fun all you want, but this is pretty much me when McRib is back.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Reach!

Brender


1. Cops thoughtbubble: "That better be a pack of Mentos in his pocket."

2. "Sorry, he gets like that with new people. Down, Mr President! Down! Bad boy!"

3. "Piggy back ride to Man's Country?"

4. "Bend over so I can choke you, racist pig-dog."

5. "Sorry, this never happens. Let's just cuddle."


Best of chronos Z. wonderpig ...
Sorry Mr. President but, That goes in the pants!

Best of Dr. Doom ...
"My you are a big one," gushed the President, "How 'bout we go up to the Oval Office and you show me your flanking maneuver..."

Best of Artfldgr ...
This is how i like to spoon, but i have to ask a marine, Michelle is not cuddly

Best of Artfldgr ...
Officer: If you can't fix it, Jack, you gotta stand it.

Obama: I wish I knew how to quit you.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Meanwhile, Back at Your Local Target Store



1. "OMG! They want *how much* for KY jelly? Guess I'll have to go with store brand."

2. Ang Lee's personal houseboy shops for sundries.

3. For obvious reasons, not all of Donald Trump's children join him on the campaign trail.

4. "Excuse me, son. I represent the North Carolina Board of Tourism. Would you be interested in starring in a series of commercials to demonstrate why we enacted that law?"

5. "I hope this store doesn't do a body cavity search. Then again, I kinda hope they do."

Best of David
People of Wal-Mart, Thailand Edition

Best of Submariner
Think this is kinky? His REAL fetish is indulged in during his day job as an Obamacare enrollment website navigation consultant.

Best of GregMan
I see Obama's Safe School Czar is shopping for school supplies again...

Best of Mr Hankey
i give up. I have no idea in which bathroom to stick this dude.

Best of Best of
It's so hard to find a bottle with the right taper to it.

Meanwhile, in Main Engineering

Schneider



1. JM J Bullock's audition for the role of Kirk went tits-up when he saw a spider.

2. "Hmmm, usually they don't start crying until after I tell them where this is going to go."

3. The Joss Whedon reboot of Star Trek was pretty much the tombstone on the whole franchise.

4. "My giant cappuccino foamer will protect us."

5. "Next week: Donald Trump's hairpiece achieves sentience and terrorizes the Enterprise crew."

Best of Steve O
"Set phase rifle to orgasm."

Best of David
"Relax. You're not wearing a red shirt, so you'll live to see the closing credits."

Best of David
We've secretly replaced Jim Kirk's coffee with third-wave feminism. Let's see if he notices...

Best of Dr. Doom
O star date 1391.7 Nurse Chapel set her Vibromaster 4000 to kill. Sulu mysteriously left the show for several weeks after that...

Best of Rodney Dill
"I guess you're gonna wanna start using the men's room too."

Friday, May 13, 2016

Sith Lives Matter



1. "Selling single cigarettes illegally to avoid state taxation? You're goin' down, boy."

2. "Pull my finger... it is your destiny."

3. Constable Jones had a certain fetish for black helmets which was well-known at Man's Country.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I am your father," pointed out Lord Vader dramatically, "...and yours, and yours, and yours too... I never should have attended the backstage party at that Madonna concert..."

Best of GregMan
"I sense something, a presence I've not felt since the last time I was cuffed and arrested."

Best of Steve O
The Emperor figures out that the terrorist attack on the Death Star was an inside job.

Best of David
I'm not the Sith Lord you're looking for. I said, I'm not the...crap. Obi-Wan never did teach me that."

Best of Steve O
"I find your lack of probably cause disturbing."

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Another Subway Book



1. The title of Pat Nixon's Memoirs did not age well.

2. An anthology of stories by Sandra Fluke, Andrew Sullivan, Monica Lewinsky, Bristol Palin, George Michael, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Clay Aiken, Ryan Seacrest, Dame Judi Dench, Eddie Murphy, Li'l Wayne, with a foreword by former Senator Larry Craig,

3. ORA: Leonard Nimoy's sequel to I Don't Love Dick.

4. Fun With Dick and Jane updated for Millennials.

5. The book is okay, but the illustrations by H.R. Giger are outstanding.

Best of Best of
This is an unexpectedly long book.

Best of Rodney Dill
Melville really hit it out of the park with this one.

Best of Rodney Dill
Who would've thought Kissinger's autobiography would be such a big seller.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
From the "Perpetually Sticky" Lindsey Graham collection.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Written by Barney Frank and Prefaced by Roe Hypnol.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
And I bring my copy of "I Love Vagina" and get booted... Stupid church.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Elizabeth Montgomery's tell-all about the actors who have portrayed her husband.

Best of Dr. Doom
George Takei's autobiography was quite the page turner - especially the chapter, That Goes in the Pants - Sulu and McCoy's Excellent Adventure...

Best of Submariner
Cosmo Book Editor review: "Not bad while it lasted, but eventually unsatisfying; left me wanting more..."

Best of Rodney Dill
...but the epilogue left a bad taste in her mouth.

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "Don't go! It's a cookbook!"

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

And Now a Little Something for the Ladies



1. Any bathroom he uses becomes automatically unisex.
2. When you let your pubes go for so long they take over your head.
3. The body that says "I have never played a sport or engaged in physical labor of any kind and Bernie Sanders is Teh Awesome."
4.  The reason "Male Feminist Slash Fic" is not a genre.
5. This guy has been in the Friend Zone for so long he can give tours.
6. Bus station bath rooms, the Business End of a glory hole...he's versatile like that.



Best of dadoctah
I'd like to know just what the hell Stan Lee was thinking....

Best of David
"Hey, girl, you wanna see my testicles? They're at home in a jar on the mantle."

Best of Dr. Doom
Where is the Westboro Baptist Church when you really need them?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
The only thing that could possibly redeem Jamaican Screech here is if the words "means gettin' in the kitchen and makin' me a sammich" appear on his pasty back.

Best of Dactyl
Why is his face on that fat chick's red sweater?

Best of metalgarth
I do have a spare tampon in my pocket! Why do you ask?

Best of Best of
Relax, because of political correctness at colleges you can't draw penises or write "fag" when someone passes out, this is the current punishment for being the first one to pass out.

The Rarely Seen Babylon 5/Hitch-Hiker's Guide Crossover ORA



Due to a gross miscalculation in scale, the entire Shadow invasion fleet was eaten by a polar bear.

Best of Best of
At the nearby Iditarod races, "...What the hell, that guy in the photographer's vest is outrunning the sleds!"

Best of LochLomandFarms
David Attenborough's attempt to "reboot" the "Life on Earth" series ended tragically when the last polar bear on earth died after eating the cameraman and his camera.

Best of Rodney Dill
"CUT!!! I said I wanted a Kodiak moment.... Bring in the other bear."

Best of Rodney Dill
Ned had seemed to be a tame polar bear, but they soon found out he was bi-polar.

Best of dadoctah
Polarizing filter. Ur doin it rong.

Monday, May 09, 2016

The First and Last Day of Summer Vacation



1. "Sucks to be those guys."

2. And still, the Obama voter insisted that the Iran Deal, while flawed, was still a foreign policy triumph.

3. "Looks like Putin and Trump never did work out that little dispute over whose was bigger."

4. ORA:  "Ah, so that's what all the banging on the playground fence was about."

5. And then on Donald Trump's Second Day in office...



Best of Son Of The Godfather
Dammit guys, who posted another comment about Dawn?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Damascus is quite beautiful when it's all lit up like that.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
ORA: Unfortunately, the snuke was susceptible to the vibration caused by uncontrollable coughing fits.

Best of GregMan
"(@#*! Hardon Collider!"

Best of John Schneider
"Hey guys! I found the trailer!!!"

Best of jimmy
"Mom...dad put tin-foil in the microwave again!"

Best of dadoctah
This, apparently, is what the Weather Channel calls "a pronounced warming trend".

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question."

Best of Best of
Well... screw the size limit.

Friday, May 06, 2016

"My God, It's Full of Stars!"

Schneider




1. Butt Inflation Woman discovers her mutant power.

2. "Damn it, Billy, just because it's called 'fisting' doesn't mean you use your actual fist!"

3. "And you did it without both hands and a flashlight. I'm proud of you, Billy."

4. Linda's odd fetish for young guys with beer guts led to both her teaching job in the Kentucky Public Schools and her subsequent jail term.

5. "My hamster!"

Best of dadoctah
"Yo! Mix-A-Lot! Come check this out!"

Best of chronos Z. wonderpig
Lemiwinks wants out......

Best of Passionate Conservative
"It winked at me!"

Best of jimmy
Little Timmy's introduction to Explosive Diarrhea in 3-2-1....

Best of dadoctah
Put your ear next to it and you can hear the ocean....

Best of Mac
"...find my keys and we'll drive out."

Best of John Schneider
Gee you got a big cooter! Gee you got a big cooter!

Why'd you say it twice?

I didn't

Best of Rodney Dill
I thought the sun never shined there.

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Now He's a Koala and He's Cute as a Button



1. "Join me... and together we can rule the galaxy."

2. Two more carbon-based life forms that would be better presidents than Hillary or Trump.

3. The first human-marsupial wedding in Massachusetts deteriorated rapidly.

4. "Aw, baby, don't be like that. She meant nothing to me."

5. "Would you, could you, in a tree?/ Pull this finger, just for me?" "I would not, could not, in a tree./ Or at a dance, or spelling bee./ I'd do it not, in spring or fall,/ I will not do it, not at all."‹


Best of dadoctah
"Anybody ever tell you you smell like a cough drop?"

Best of Best of
Come on, yesterday I was on #Tuesdayfast with Glenn Beck, hand those leaves over I am starving!

Best of Best of
Eucalyptus? I don't even know her...., sorry, that is a great joke with the koala bears.

Best of GregMan
"Gimmie your eucalyptus leaves! I deserve them!"
An unsuspecting girl meets one of Bernie Sanders' koala bear supporters.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Well of course I left in the middle of the night, sweetheart. Didn't you read my description? 'The koala bear eats bushes and leaves.' So that's what I did!"

Best of Dr. Doom

In today's MSDNC headlines:

In the PRC (People's Republic of California), Missy Leveinson, of Berkeley and her new husband, Bongo, late of Wellington New Zealand, were the first couple married after passage of Proposition X, The Inter-species Anti-discrimination Bill. In other news Rosie O'Donnell announced plans to wed Corky the killer whale in a private ceremony near Balboa Island...

Tuesday, May 03, 2016

Won't You Take Me To...



Best of GregMan
That must be where the Hardon Collider is located.

Best of metalgarth
"We got tired of the jokes so we changed the name from Intercourse, PA to..."

Best of Dactyl
You can bet the sign for Frigidville Rd doesn't have RFID and GPS tracking.

Best of Rodney Dill
Located in Climax, MI

Best of racerboy
So, if we are to "Rock on down" to Electric Ave., what is the correct method of traveling this road, we must ask ourselves? Do we, "glide on in," or "hump it down?" Should one turn off the interstate and "jump on?" The mind fairly boggles at the possibilities...

Monday, May 02, 2016

Burn, Baby Burn



1. "Pick up the Muslim hitchhiker, you said. What's the worst that could happen, you said."

2. ORA: Wings Hauser warned you about microwave croissants.

3. "Let the kids ride in the back, you said. What's the worst that can happen, you said."

4. The world's first all-electric RV based on the Chevy Volt suffered some teething pains.

5. "Forget Yosemite, Let's camp in Ferguson Missouri, you said, It'll be a hoot, you said."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
You can always tell when Willie Nelson's in town.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Hillary likes to travel in the atmosphere of her realm.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Oh thank God... I heard "flaming trailer" and was anticipating another Ang Lee fiasco.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
When I make it big in the Country Music world, I'll thank my friend V the K for my number one smash hit, Splodin' Trailer.

Best of jimmy
"Death Valley camping trip in July," you said. "It'll be fun," you said. News flash, honey--NOT having fun right now!

Best of metalgarth
Last time I buy a Pinto brand RV

Best of jimmy
[From inside truck] Honey? Are the s'mores ready yet?

Best of Dr. Doom
Some Sanders supporters are so literal...

Best of Dactyl
The Kasich campaign arrives in Indiana...

Best of Submariner
Hillary has her private server and backups shipped to the FBI for their investigation.

Best of Steve O
Republicans get their national election campaign under way.