Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Things to do when you're high


Best of GregMan
"One more and the number of cheerios in this stack will equal the number of terrorist attacks I've permitted to happen this year."

Best of Best of
Exactly how long does it take for them to turn into donuts??

Best of jimmy
While M'Chel is off in Africa, shopping their girls to various African royals, Barry plays with the only food she left for him.

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Finally! A job commensurate with my pay grade!"

Best of Dr. Doom
When Rome is burning, this is what you do if your fiddle is broken...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hm, a tasty treat on top of the table, and Cheerios on top of that, too! What the - ? This isn't a real dog! Curses, foiled again!"

Best of Submariner
The unpublished photos taken by the NYT reporter covering all both of the morning security briefs the Obamessiah actually attended were somewhat telling...

Best of Steve O
Obama seeks to identify his level of competency.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bam Zuck

Brender



1. "Let's play Mark Twain. I'll be Zuck Finn and you can be... um, never mind."

2. "I can't wait until we get to Man's Country..."

3. Using this one weird trick, your company can secure 100,000 H-Visas for cheap Indian programmers.

4. "You know why I like you Barry? Because you won't butt-rape me backstage and demand money like all the other guys, will you Barry?"

5. "That was fun. Now let's go tread on some libertarians."

Friday, June 24, 2016

Welcome to Scotland


Yes, those are indeed our choices... What, it doesn't say "Trump and a Cunt?"


Best of Dr. Doom
I see the new Chairwoman of the DNC has hit the ground running...


Best of jimmy
Constable: "I'm afraid you'll have to leave the area right now. And for the record, Your disguise isn't fooling anyone, Governor Bush."
 

Best of Mac
She is only a taint off.


Best of metalgarth
The "John 3:16" guy sure has let himself go.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

"Be vewwy, vewwy quiet..."



1. "Invisible AR-15. Ba-Dow! Ba-Dow!"

2. How can such tiny hands hold such a large imaginary gun?

3. "... and then I aimed my shotgun at the GOP's chances of winning in 2016..."

4. "And then I shot my hairdresser for coloring my hair with Tang breakfast drank."

5. "... and now my impression of Barack Obama fellating Vladimir Putin..."

Best of metalgarth
Everytime "Come on Eileen" gets played on the 80's station, The Donald can't help but do an air fiddle solo. 

Best of Artfldgr
Trump finally had a chance to show off the militaries new stealth rifle
 

Best of jimmy
"Mr. Trump! Tell us...how will you narrow down your list of VP candidates leading up to the convention?"

Best of Mr Hankey
No longer happy just showing his size, Donald decides to proclaim his girth too.

Best of Mr Hankey
Donald shows off the new clothes that only a fool cannot see.


Best of Submariner
"...and for those that somehow manage to climb the wall, I'm gonna give the Marines and Rangers freedom to have live fire exercises..."

 


Monday, June 20, 2016

Can't Get Rid of this Guy Soon Enough

Brender


1. "I got six months to go and I am going to burn what's left of this b-tch to the f-ckin' ground. Are you proud of me, daddy?"

2. "I like you. I will kill you last."

3. The microphone and host's erection were pointing up at exactly the same angle.

4. "Of all my presidential achievements, getting 'The Dukes of Hazzard' canceled is probably the one I'm most proud of."

5. "I have long believed that 'Father's Day' was a cruel joke on the African-American community."

Best of GregMan
"I'll demonstrate how I fellate Reggie Love using this microphone, here."

 

Best of jimmy
"When people say to me, 'You're no Ronald Reagan', it makes me feel a little better to look at you on TV every night and say 'You're no Johnny Carson'."

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"...and that is how we do it at Man Country DC," instructed the President, "now at Man Country Dusseldorf, the technique is a bit different..."

 

Best of dadoctah
O'Neill and Teal'c have really let themselves go. Especially Teal'c.
 
Best of I am not a robot
"If you tell me how much c*ck sucking and ass f*cking you had to do with Lorne Michaels to get your job I will let you know how much I had to do to become President."

Best of jimmy
Jimmy: "Would you like to be my Ed McMahon?"
PrezBO: "No thanks, Jimmy--America would never believe me in the role of a straight-man."

Best of metalgarth
Alternate universe X223759: "I'm very pleased with what we've accomplished in the last 8 years. Employment is at an all time high. GDP has seen record growth. We've gotten the federal government out of education. I'd be happier if the budget deficits could have been lowered a couple billion more, but I think it's good progress" 

Best of Submariner
"Actually, Jimmy, I feel it's the American people who have been a failure over the last seven and a half years. Sure, they've refused to agree to my every whim as directed by the media. But ESPECIALLY DISSAPOINTING is their refusal to acquiesce to my desire to confiscate all weapons from all but political office-holder bodyguards, street gangs, petty thugs, violent left-wing extremists and peaceful Islamic practitioners..."

Best of Mr Hankey
Please let me stay....I don't want to go home....M'Chel is there!
 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Point and Laugh



1. The grin that says "I can't believe those idiots nominated the one guy I can beat."
2. A gay Muslim Democrat commits murder and the press conservative Christians. No wonders she's laughing.
3. "That's hilarious. I haven't laughed this hard since I got that child rapist off on a technicality."
4. In Soviet Union, woman in ugly coat laughs at you.
5. "I didn't get a harrumph out of that man. Kill him now."

Best of Best of
"and I'm fighting for (snicker) you, and (heh-heh) you, and you, (hahah) and all of you! (hahhahahaha)"

Best of jimmy
"Well yes, the coat *did* come from Miss Ellie's closet on Southfork, but let's face it: I'm rich enough to afford it....and you sure ain't!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Subpeonas??"

Best of Jay Guevara
Campaign consultant: "Uh, Mrs. Clinton, yeah I know we told you to point into the crowd and look pleased, but ... you're kinda overdoing it. We said "look pleased," not "look like you're having an orgasm."

Best of GregMan
"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little constitution too!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Well of course victims of sexual assault will be treated with respect and compassion," glad handed Mrs. Clinton, "Unless of course they are one of the hussies who hit on my husband..."

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

The Gas Men



1. The Taco Bell morning shift reports for duty.

2. "You were supposed to ass and you were supposed to be grass; our possibility for a successful hitch hike have just been reduced by two-thirds, you imbeciles."

3. "Hey, be glad we just farted in church. You should see what the adulterers have to wear."



Best of Rodney Dill
Jumpin' Jack Flash it's a ....

Best of metalgarth
What happens when the "3 States of Matter Patrol" don't call each first before going out.

Best of Dr. Doom
Movie Trivia Fun Fact: It took triple the normal amount of safety inspectors to film Blazing Saddles ORA?

Monday, June 13, 2016

Donut Bumpers


On the right, Obama before a night with Reggie Love. On the left, Obama after a night with Reggie Love.

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary couldn't be any cruller.

Bill: Shouldn't the one on the right be cream filled?

Best of Rodney Dill

Hillary shows how she left a big hole in Blintz Foster.

Best of John Schneider
well, she's younger, it's kind of expected

Best of Dactyl
Wait, which one's Mary Kate and which one's Ashley?

Best of Mr Hankey
January 2017 - After losing the election in a landslide to Trump, Hillary stars in Preparation H commercials to pay her legal fees t keep her out of prison.


Friday, June 10, 2016

How Switzerland Celebrates the Opening of a Tunnel

Brender


1. However bad you've heard the New Feminist Ghostbusters sequel is, it's worse.
2. Preparations continue for the opening ceremonies of the Democrat National Convention. Shown here: A tribute to Roe versus Wade.
3. The actual Rapture played out really differently than I had always imagined it would.
4. Aerosmith is going to have a really interesting stage show for their next tour.
5. Season 6 of Orange is the New Black. Directed by David Lynch.

Wednesday, June 08, 2016

From Metalgarth: Streep Does Trump


1, The Board of Directors at Willy Wonka Inc. always had one token Oompa Loompa
2. Barry Manilow has really let himself go
3. I like the old Men's Wearhouse commercials much better
4. When Opie Taylor came back to Mount Pilot, they wouldn't let him use *ANY* restroom 5. Nelson Muntz still loved hearing Lisa wail on that saxaphone
5. That mullet doesn't say "business up front and a party in the back" in this case it just says (FILL IN YOUR OWN)
6. Now you see why Axl Rose wants pictures of himself scrubbed off the internet
7. Orange is the New Blackface, next on Netflix


Best of GregMan sort of works here too
"I wear this when I absolutely don't want to have an erection. It works great!"


Best of I am a robot
My GAWD they love him so much they want to become him.

Best of John Schneider
"Jack-O-Lantern" the porn musical had a dramatic climax.

Best of jimmy
The Dems can chuckle all they want, but MSNBC breathlessly covered this stunt for half an hour before they realized it wasn't a Trump event, at which point they dejectedly cut back to regular programming.


Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Jamie Perez Gumm


1. "Would you vote for me? I'd vote for me. I'd vote for me so hard!"
2. "Yo, Dawg, we heard you like c-nts and p-ssy, so we made a suit of c-nts and put it on a p-ssy."
3. Edna Mode has lost her freakin' mind.
4. When infiltrating the New York Times, it's important to blend in.
5. The Abstinence Movement unveils its new line of sleepwear.

Best of GregMan
"I wear this when I absolutely don't want to have an erection. It works great!"

Best of jimmy
The new "face" of prison jumpsuits in the 21st century!

Best of Russ in Oregon
Pajama Boy has a new gig

Best of Son Of The Godfather
A single can of hairspray and a Bic lighter could prove entertaining.

Sunday, June 05, 2016

It Came From Switzerland

Brender

1. ORA:  "Quick, we have to rescue the virgin, Connie Swail."

2. The Democratic National Convention finally allows a religious observance.

3. Ang Lee's remake of Manos: The Hands of Fate was... a genuine improvement, akshully.

4. No one on Folsom Street realized that Pride Month had started; they just carried on like it was any other day.

5. I am so sick of movies based on SNL sketches.

Morrissey was right, the sun does shine out of our behinds


Friday, June 03, 2016

Walkies


1. "I am vengeance. I am the night. I am the Batman... and this is my Corgi, Baron Waddlebottom."

2. "Miss, I am trying to walk my dog here. Could you fellate me some other time?"

3. So, last night I had this dream that Batman was walking a Corgi while the Swiss Miss girl was giving him a BJ. What does it mean, doc?

4. "Hey, this gets a LOT more chicks than the Dalmatian costume."

5. Seeing a stray Corgi about to foul the pavement, Batman quickly dispatches the miscreant with the "Gauntlet Bat Harpoon."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Just on observation: I've never seen this guy and the mayor of Quahog in the same room at the same time.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
After last night's "incident", the Dark Knight would never again leave Sparky alone with Robin and the peanut butter.

Best of dadoctah
"Superman v Batman" spoiler alert: the loser has to take Krypto for walkies.

Best of Double the U
Damn it, I am out of bat dog poop picker-upper.

Best of jimmy
Scotland Yard had to be called today when an increasingly confused Prince Philip took his wife's dog for a walk in decidedly "un-royal" attire. A Palace official glossed over the event, adding that for a man his age, he could "rock that codpiece like no one's business".

Best of Dr. Doom
Batman goes old school in his search for Cat Woman...

Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Air Dog



1. "If you kick my seat one more time, I swear to Dog I'll chew your face off."

2. Some furry costumes are way better than others.

3. "Dammit, I ordered a seven-and-seven 20 minutes ago. Where is that Flight Whore?"

4. "For the last time, I'm not her. Do you really think Sarah Jessica Parker flies coach?"

5. "This a great airline ... for me to poop on!"

Best of dadoctah
"Oh, sure, you reroute the flight and put Muslims off for clearing their throats, but lycanthropy you've got no problem with."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"You're going down, Jerry", Brian thought to the prisoner 3 seats back. "Once we land, it's just a few hours until I take the witness stand, and then your butt is mine, Jerry."

Best of Best of
 What? Everybody farts. Get over it.

Best of GregMan
"The joke's on you, buddy. I'm the co-pilot."

Best of Submariner
"Of course I fly free, dude. I'm the pilot's guide dog when he's not in the cockpit..."

Best of metalgarth
No, I'm not on my way to bomb Pearl Harbor so quit f--kin' asking

Best of Kaptain Krude
I'm so motherf****** tired of these motherf****** cats on this motherf****** plane!

Best of jimmy
"Whose leg do I have to hump to get a bag of peanuts around here?"