Friday, September 30, 2016

When It Doesn't Put the Lotion on its Skin


1. "OK, OK, I'll vote for Trump."
2. Getting Michelle Rodriguez cleaned up for the Oscars is not a task for the feint of heart.
3. I see the Gamma Kappas are having Rush week again.
4. This is how Bob Barker "auditioned" all the Price Is Right girls; didn't know he was such a s---k f--k did you?
5. What every bridesmaid is really imagining when the bride comes down the aisle.

Best of dadoctah
The day things at Will It Blend? went horribly, horribly wrong.

 

Best of jimmy
In 1993, Hillary didn't have a decent budget for taking care of Bimbo Eruptions the way she would in later decades, but she did the best with what she had.

 

Best of Mr Hankey
Julie didn't think the DNC would take her seriously when she said "you'd have to gag me up, lock me in a pit, cover me with fencing, and spray me with a hose before I'd ever vote for Hillary."

 

Best of Rodney Dill
The new reality show Cosby Date or Consequences took off without a hitch.

 

Best of Submariner
Locking one into a tub of water, adding a healthy squirt of dish detergent, and announcing availability of free medicinal doobies is the only successful method discovered to date for cleaning a used hippie...

 

Best of Dr. Doom
There is some sort of a middle class American voter metaphor joke in there somewhere but I can't seem to drag it up...

 

Best of Rodney Dill
TV ad for the new Trump sponsored Machado Weight Loss Program



Nice Day for a Dip


Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I'm Not Familiar with the Type of Thing I Am Seeing

video


Best of Submariner
Andrew Sullivan warms up dinner...

Best of Dr. Doom
On the plus side Raul's heavy erection was no longer under progress...

Best of metalgarth
Field testing of a Butt Closure

Monday, September 26, 2016

Well this is nauseating



1. "I had always hoped to be in your strong, manly arms at the End of the World."

2. "Don't worry, just stay calm, breathe in and out... I've had to talk Barry down off all kinds of bad trips. I know what I'm doing."

3. Well, inter-racial cuckold fetishsists have hit the jackpot today, I tell you what.

4. "Can't breathe, now. Time to let go. Really... Can't... breathe"

5. Off-to-the-side, Malaria fumed, "Can't we just have just one State dinner when mom isn't dry humping an old white guy?"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Who's a good little party wrecker," cooed Michele, "you are you're a good little party wrecker..."

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Oh-oh this must be one of those Africanized Americans Mommy told me about," Thought President Bush...

 

Best of jimmy
So now we know what made little Malaria become a pothead. I shudder to think what she did to made her husband go gay like that.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
Gee, Philo Beddoe looks pretty good for his age. Clyde, on the other hand....

 

Best of Submariner
Thawt bubble; "New rule: Let the Wookie win!"

 

Friday, September 23, 2016

If I Had a Hammer


1. Chuck Schumer was confused: "Which end of this assault rifle do the bullets come out?"

2. Watching McConnell bang himself in the face with the claw end was funny for the first ten minutes, but after that, Paul Ryan just felt sorry for him.

3. "You guys are pathetic. Look how fast Hillary's hammering. Of course she keeps missing the nail and her aides are standing between her and the cameras and now one of them's got a hypodermic needle out, but God bless her, look at her go."

4. Republicans try to construct an artificial backbone.

5. "He was just a poor defensless little mouse. Why'd you have to do that to him, Senator Schumer?"

Threadwinner Jay Guevara
Shouldn't one of them have a sickle?



Best of Tex Lovera
"Nothing like hammerin' screws into a 4x2, right Chuckster?"

 

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"So this is that 'work' thing we keep taxing the livin' whee out of? Seems kinda pointless!"

 

Best of Dr. Doom
Sign on conference room door: Caution Heavy Erection Under Progress...

 

Best of jimmy
An increasingly demented Senator Schumer joins the Republicans at the building site for Trump's border wall, causing Paul Ryan to laugh until he wet his pants.

 

Best of dadoctah
ORA: "Dirty grups! Bonk-bonk on the head! Bonk-Bonk!"

 

Best of Jay Guevara
Hillary: "You call THAT getting hammered?"

 

 

Best of Rodney Dill
Habitat for Inanity

 

Best of Best of

Ohhh... so that is how the servants open those eggs.... hmmmmm who would have thought?

 

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Dr. Kevorkian, I'm Ready for my Close-Up


1. "Th-th-th-th-that's all folks."

2. "You know, they say the eyes are windows to the.. .OMG, Run! It's a Hellmouth! Save yourselves."

3. Asked if she would undergo “neurocognitive tests,” Clinton tells reporter: "Unnecessary. My brain is 100% mayonnaise toaster buttocks."

4. Suddenly her fashion choices become... explicable.

5. "Madame Secretary, Just how intense was the orgasm Huma gave you last night?"

Best of jimmy
"Hey, LAAAAAYYYYYY-DEEEEEEEE!"

Best of Dr. Doom
Where will you be when your 5KW diesel powered vibrator kicks in?

Best of Submariner
The only sure tell for the exact moment the snuke goes off in the snizz.

Best of jimmy
All that's missing is a ring of cartoon songbirds circling her head.

Best of Jay Guevara
"That's amazing. You think I look a goofy chipmunk too? Everybody says that."

Best of Best of
Oh... is that a piece of Ritz cracker on his upper lip? I love Ritz crackers... If I lick it off will he notice?

 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Hillary's Bush Support



1. All right, just to get this outtatheway, "Ai! Gojira!"

2. Ain't no party like a Uniparty because the Uniparty don't stop... ripping off taxpayers for the benefit of their cronies.

3. Not surprised Bill and Hillary are trying to look up the Statue of Liberty's skirt; Barbara Bush is kind of a surprise, tho'.

4. So, the smug guy in the middle ... who undid Reagan's tax cuts, and his son not only botched an unpopular (but eminently winnable) war, but also massively expanded domestic spending and entitlements, doubled the national debt, and left the border wide open while 20 million illegals flooded the country... claims Trump will be the death of the Republican Party.

5, On the other hand, Bush 41 was the only one smart enough not to look up when the massive flock of pigeons appeared.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Bitches, Please



1. Escalating their passive-aggressive hate-relationship, Hillary squeezes out a side fart.

2. Proof that medical marijuana is an effective treatment for both Parkinsons and AIDS.

3. "... And then Comey said that politics played no part in the investigation at all."

4. "... and then I told them, 'The Border is the most secure it has ever been.'"

5. "Is that purple drank? Dammit, bitch, you been holding out on me."

Best of metalgarth
Carl and Patty share a good laugh at all the times Homer did something stupid at work

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I've got a heavy erection under progress!"
"Gross, Hillary, I didn't need to know that."

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: "You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank Heaven for children."

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "...and Trump won't take up my golf challenge... cause I got three strokes up on him already..."

Best of Submariner
"Best, ah, best part of, um, being President is never, uh, never, um, never needing to do a one, um, one cheek sneak."

BRA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AP!

"Might as well get used to it now, right Barry?"

Habits of the Underboob




Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Ilsa and She-Wolf


1. On Hillary's first day in office, Secret Service uniforms underwent a radical transformation.

2. $200 for her, or $250 for her and the dog.

3. ORA: This is the look Pete Burns was going for, but the actual result was something less satisfactory.

4. A Nazi holding an arrogant little bitch on a short leash; George Soros-Obama Metaphor, anyone?

5. "Black Latex pantyhose after Labor Day? Just who does that bitch think he is?" Andrew Sullivan fumed.



Best of chronos Z wonderpig
Under a Hillary administration, these 2 can marry

Best of Kaptain Krude
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

Best of dadoctah
There are worse people than David Duke to have endorsing you behind your back.

Best of Rodney Dill
Dog: "Bitch... please."

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

When You Hire the Lowest Bidder


1. "If passengers seated on the right side of the aircraft could avoid looking outside for a few minutes, that would be great."

2. "OK, now some WD-40 for that 'landing gear won't come down' problem and we'll be good to go."

3. "Um, there will be a slight delay before we take-off, but rest assured, we will get all of you Clinton Foundation whistleblowers to Washington in time for the hearing."

4. "Don't worry folks, the plane is just powering through a minor case of pneumonia."

5. ORA:  'Ow to speak Allegiant (Airline): "D-Check"

Best of dadoctah
Paul Blart: Aerospace Engineer.

Best of Dr. Doom
"OK boss I put the duck tape on the spinny thing just like ya' tole me," reported Clyde, "That otta git 'er done. Hey anyone seen ma beer?"

Best of Whacko
After the crash, the safety board determined that Clyde used 200 mph duct tape instead of 600 mph as specified.

Best of Mac
Come on guys, it says right here, 350 mile an hour tape.

Best of Dr. Doom
Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 - the Untold Story...

Best of dadoctah
"Brad, would you mind not working where the passengers can see you? Shatner's in there and he won't stop screaming his lungs out."


Monday, September 12, 2016

Weekend at Cankles



1. "And tell the driver to stop shouting, 'Bring out your dead!' That stopped being funny after the convention."

2. "CPU froze up again. I told you F--kin' Windows 10 is incompatible with its neural net."

3. "She'll be fine, she needs to feed on an unspoiled life force. Someone round up a little girl who'll nobody will miss. I think I saw one outside Chelsea's apartment."

4. "You'd be catatonic, too if you were constantly haunted by the spirits of every person you had murdered to protect your political career."

5. When we said "Carpe Diem" it meant "Seize the day" not "Seize Today."

Best of jimmy
"Mrs. Clinton, do you realize this is also the fourth anniversary of the Benghazi attack?"
**clunk**
"Yeah, I guess you did."

 

Best of Dr. Doom
FNC Headline: "Hillary Collapses at 911 Memorial - Must be Carried From Scene. Is She Healthy Enough to be President?"

CNN Headline: "Hillary Overcome by Grief at 911 Memorial - Will Make a Thoughtful and Caring President"

MSDNC Headline "Hillary Kidnapped by Racist, Xenophobic Trump Goon Squad While Leading the 911 Memorial"

 

Best of GregMan
"Dammit,, I told you this "Weekend at Bernie's" thing would never work. Plus, she's starting to smell now."

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Ahhhh! Snipers! Snipers on the runway! Get this plane ready to take off! Let's go, let's go! Brian! Brian Williams! We can't forget him! Come on, let's get a move on!"

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"No we can all fit, just toss that case of Top Secret ISIS Counterinsurgency Plans in the dumpster over there and we're all good," ordered Mrs. Clinton...

Friday, September 09, 2016

Off for the Weekend

To play with some raccoons

 
 
Best of George C. Papoon
Two beavers or one raccoon, having failed both zoology and sex-ex, Timmy chose poorly.
Best of dadoctah
ORA: Star Lord and Rocket enjoy some downtime on the set of the Guardians sequel.
Best of Dr. Doom
Being the 'Raccoon Whisperer' had its advantages but popularity with the ladies was not one of them...
Best of Dr. Doom
"What's that Rocky? You are infected with Baracktrema obamai and you feel weak and listless?" soothed Rodney, "Don't worry that will run its course in the next few months just make sure you don't pick up a dose of Clintoni Abominum, that can kill you quickly..."
Best of Best of
One racoon in your lap is better than two beavers in the water.
Best of Rodney Dill
Coon-tang


Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Meeting Like This

Brender


1. A great patriotic leader who loves his country takes a moment to speak to President Obama.

2. "I smell poossy, and is not from beeg giant khet."

3. "Now, why in Lenin's name would I hack the election for Trump when I have all of Hillary's emails and that bitch totally under my thumb?

4. "... and after leveraging European dependence on Russian natural gas to ensure no military response, I annexed Ukraine. So, how is your golf game?"

5. "Those Chinese sure know how to roll out the red carpet for... oh, sorry."

Best of Dr. Doom
"I'm sorry Barry, I am already committed to the Clinton Foundation Fundraising Dinner," replied Mr. Putin, "...and this Man Country place doesn't sound all that interesting to me anyway."

Best of Dr. Doom
Putin: "Have you prepared a speech to dazzle us with your knowledge of economics at the G-20, Barry?"

Obama: "G-20, G-30, whatever, I prefer my new G650, I call it the 'Vacation Express'..."

 

Best of chronos Z wonderpig
"Mr. Putin, can you explain M4M4BEAR to me?"

 

Best of Dactyl
The staring contest came to a sudden end when Merkel flashed her tits.

 

Best of Best of
"Back down, Putin, or I'll have -- er -- Michelle kick yer ass."

 

Best of Rodney Dill
"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

 

Best of Dr. Doom
Putin: "So I hear they named a new animal after you - what is it called?"
Obama: "It is called Baracktrema obamai, impressive, no?"
Putin: "But what is it? Some sort of mouse? A small dog perhaps? Maybe something in the chipmunk family?"
Obama (whispering): "No it is a parasitic flatworm."
Putin: "Ah I see, this makes perfect sense..."

 

Best of Steve O
Putin is forced to endure Obama's "angry face" but he still manages to not smile.

 

What the Helling Hell Is She Spitting Out?


1. "Excuse me while I barf out some pure concentrated evil... ah, that's (hack) better."

2. "This precious larva will not last long without a host. Bring me that child."

3. Hillary won over few supporters with her impression of Mary-Kate Olsen.

4. "Yeah, tastes like sh-t too, good thing I didn't step in it."

5. It is rare that expulsion of the last diseased, corroded portion of a human soul is captured on film.

Best of chronos Z wonderpig
Monica taught me this.......

Best of Best of
"It's water" another in a long line of Clinton lies.

Best of jimmy
Old School Political Slogan: "A Chicken In Every Pot"
New School Political Slogan: "A Loogie In Every Glass"

Best of Dactyl
"If I ingest the dihydrogen oxide liquid through my facehole like so, it will make me seem more ordinary and relatable to the earth creatures, er, I mean voters.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Lemme just pound down some more Stoli before I continue my speech."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"If only there was a short, tube-like structure, possibly made out of some kind of bendy plastic, that I could use by creating a low air pressure spot in my mouth that would draw the liquid from this glass into my mouth. But alas! No one has invented such a marvelous invention!"

Friday, September 02, 2016

Felonious Dyke



1. Every day at 2:30, Hillary suspends her campaign to catch the Early Bird Dinner Special at Golden Corral.

2. Long Sleeves in August? Gotta hide those needle tracks somehow.

3. ORA:  To allay rumors about her ill health, Hillary beat up Pat Buttram and took his hat.

4. HHGTTG ORA:  "If I can convince enough people they're voting for the worst dressed sentient being in the galaxy, I can still win this thing."

5. Refuses to pay for the lemonade. Instead gets free water and lemon and adds 3 packets of sweet n low. Puts rest of packets in her huge purse

Best of chronos Z wonderpig
Doesn't care if her shuttle bus driver is Hung...........

Best of Submariner
Actually, she IS the shuttle bus driver...

Best of jimmy
The "Nantucket Burka" style flatters her, though I'd recommend the facial covering to complete the look.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Hillary relaxes after a hard day of pickle jar opening.

Best of Dr. Doom
In an alternate (more appropriate) universe, Hillary lives out her days as the Crazy Cat Lady in a low income suburb of The Villages in Florida...

Best of Best of
It is 90° outside, a bit chilly, better wear a long sleeve or you'll catch pneumonia.


Thursday, September 01, 2016