Monday, October 31, 2016

Happy Halloween Monors

Walt... I think



1. Thank You For Flying SkyBitch Airlines.

2. Huma's last thoughts, "I should have known Mid-Flight was an odd time to demonstrate how the Emergency Exit doors worked."

3. "Now, stay in your gawdam seat until we reach the terminal, or we'll bitch slap you into the middle of next week." Hill and Huma prepare for their next careers as Delta flight attendants.

4. "Oh, dear, Huma, there's more people in this plane than there were at my last rally." "Hill, darling, there are more people in the cockpit of this plane than were at your last campaign rally."

5. "Our in-flight movie today is Veronica Guerin,  the story of a nosy journalist who got what was coming to her."

Best of metalgarth
"Transgender Beavis & Butthead" never got the ratings of the original.

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Are you serious right now, Anthony?" queried Huma angrily. "Put that back in your pants and finish copying my e-mails right now!"

 

Best of Best of
LET ME ASK YOU AGAIN!, Do you want to join the mile high club.

 

Best of George C. Papoon
Most airlines give you a tiny bag of stale pretzels, we give you a free Bag of Dicks and you have the nerve to complain ?

Best of V the K

Hillary and Huma look on as Madonna (out of frame) secures another vote.

 

Best of Rodney Dill
Hillary: "Excuse me for a minute... I have to go out on the wing and mess with Shatner's head."

Best of jimmy
Hillary: "Yes, Jennifer...if you just admit you see five lights, everything else will be so much easier."

---Assigned to cover the Clinton campaign, FNC's Jennifer Griffin (AKA "The Last Holdout") resists the brainwashing that has swept through Broomstick One's lap-dog press corps.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Now, *That* Is How You Satisfy a Dame


Too Early for Christmas?

Divine Miss M. 

1. Unlike Spinal Tap, Clay Aiken got exactly the stage prop he wanted.

2. Meanwhile, back on Andrew Sullivan's Amazon Wishlist.

3. You think that's bad, wait until you see the eight dildos pulling Santa's Sleigh.

4. Under President Trump, the National Christmas Tree was a lot more "bigly"

5. The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is a l'il bit different in San Francisco.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Not What Trump Had in Mind

Schneider


1. Divine and Kid Rock were married today in a small private ceremony.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Mimi and Russel Brand will be very happy together.

Best of dadoctah
So Gallagher's working with Kathy Griffin now?

 

Best of Double the U
Wow the average Hillary supporter and the average Trump supporter together in one picture!

 

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Caption This With a Real Text Message



V the K: "OK, I guess I better come home."

Submariner: "Just walked out of Jags stadium after the Raiders slaughtered them."

jimmy: "F@#$ amber alerts!"

Nose: We don't talk anymore...

Rodney Dill: BRB

Dactyl: Anybody got a tissue? Because....

Russ: In ur trailer

The remake of "Office Space" looks promising



Open Thread.



Best of Dr. Doom
Jake from State Farm - the real story...

Best of Dr. Doom
Take a Prostitute to Work Monday was waaaay better than Casual Friday and really cut down on post weekend absenteeism...

Best of
Now about those T P S reports,,,,,

Best of Dactyl
Casual Friday, out of hand, yadda yadda...

Best of Submariner
I can't believe what a couple of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in an on-line dictionary...

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

It Takes a Village



1. Chelsea reads to Charlotte about Grandma's "Special Friend" Janet Reno.

2. "And then, Big Sister's connections got her a $600,000 no-show job at NBC News."

3. "And then, Big Sister took in a $25 Million 'donation' from a Russian company and, by total coincidence, let them take over America's uranium supply two days later."

4. "You can read the story, just don't ever let grandma hold me again. Last time, the shaking was so bad I thought she was going Casey Anthony on me."

5. "What the hell is Lena Dunham doing? Mom, this book is f--king sick!"

6. "Come on, mom. Just sound out the words. You can do this."

Best of Dr. Doom
"I know it is a bit out of touch honey," explained Chelsea, "But Uncle Barack got the Nobel Prize for Literature for writing it so we kind of have to read it..."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"It's a better read than the one Grammy Clinton read the other night, Heather Has Two Grandmas, starring Huma and Grammy Clinton ."

Best of Jay Guevara
" ... but Granma was ... er ... "busy" with her friend Huma, and so she left them to take their chances with the Muslim horde. But there was a happy ending: she was able to lay the whole thing off on some schlub and his video, so no problem."

Best of jimmy
"Yes, honey...I know it's a lousy book, but this Joanna Cole woman donated $600,000 to grandma's campaign and another $2 million to grandpa's foundation, so we have to read this book in front of this nice cameraman, and damn well like it, too. Can you say 'pay for play'? I knew you could!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"But Mommy this sounds an awful lot like Keynesian economics as employed by socialists," complained Charlotte, "Even a baby can tell that is doomed to failure..."

Best of GregMan
"...and then the illegal immigrants took all the jobs, leaving the proles dependent on the government for their miserable, joyless existences, but Mummy and Granny lived happily ever after among the elites in their gated communities."

Best of Dave's not here
"When I was your age 'sister' was a name commonly used to describe a sibling who self-identified as a female."

Monday, October 17, 2016

I'm Back, Baby

I needed that week off more than you can imagine.


1. "Sarah, you know it's bad luck for Mr. Broderick to see you before the wedding."



Best of chronos Z wonderpig
"does this dress make my butt look big?"

Best of Rodney Dill
Life goes on at the Enumclaw Wedding Chapel.

Best of Rodney Dill
Centaur? I don't even know her.

Best of George C. Papoon
The great-great-great-great-great granddaughter of Catherine the Great proves the rumors were true.

Best of Dr. Doom
Looks like Proposition 101 made it past the voters in California...

Best of Russ O
By the power vested in my by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, I now pronounce you.......

Best of Submariner
Groom: how apropriate!

Best of Dactyl
At least her dress covers her ass.
 

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

Challenge Accepted


1. The 'I'm With Hillary' sticker is pretty much redundant.

2. So, what is the guy in hat at left looking at that's more astonishing than the waddling abomination in front of him.

3.  Your gender? I'm not even going to assume your species.

4. When people look back the second decade of the 21st Century, this is what they're going to remember: Fat, manless women with bad dye-jobs. They're like hippies in the 1960's or the Global Influenza Pandemic of the 1910's.

5. "You may, however, assume that I will Supersize my Hardee's order."





Best of Dr. Doom
It would probably require some sort of hermaphrodite alien transformer to assume your gender sweetheart...

 

Best of GregMan
I wouldn't want to assume her college debt, either...

 

Best of dadoctah
Gender? You have a gender? !

 

Best of Rodney Dill
OMG, Machado really did blimp up.

 

Best of George C. Papoon
Embedded ORA: Assume gender ? A veritable planetoid like that, I assume she has her own weather system.

 

Best of Adriane
Asexual Joker - a Batman villan for the new millennium!!!!

 

Best of metalgarth
What exactly is Wynona Judd going for these days?

 

Best of metalgarth
ORA: If there's ever a live action Futurama movie, we know who can play Horrible Gelatinous Blob

 

Best of jorgen
Even if another whale with green hair existed, it would not be interested in her gender.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
On the back of his/her/its shirt (printed in *very* large letters):

John Edwards is Good.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
I'm almost afraid to ask what I can assume?

 

Best of metalgarth
I'm almost afraid to ask what I can assume?
You can assume that if you throw a Twinkie her way she'll snag it in mid air

 

Best of Rodney Dill
That's no moon!

 

Best of Russ of Oregon
And you'll need to dust it with flour to find out.

Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Dmitri Martin? The Prime Minister of Canada? Balki? Pajama Boy? Who the hell is is this?



1. Given recent changes in Army policy, getting a Section 8 discharge is now almost impossible.

2. America's masculinity? It must have gotten lost somewhere with Obama's college transcripts and Hillary's emails.

3. Justin Trudeau prepares to welcome another group of refugees, all of whom are thinking, "This is going to be so easy."

4. "Oh, honey, no. You see, drag queens are supposed to be loud brassy women; not demure, garden-oriented women."

5. Martha Stewart secretly enjoyed humiliating the gardening staff.

Monday, October 03, 2016

Oh, Good, Someone Brought the Tea Towels

Brender


1. "How much for the little girls? Your women, I wish to buy them."

2. The Arabs were thrilled to be met at the airport by Bojack Horseman.

3. "Sarah Jessica Parker, you are even lovelier in person."

4. "So, two weeks after I ravaged the Saigon whorehouse, it starts to burn when I pee like you wouldn't believe."

5. "I swear, every time he tells this story, he ups the body count by a couple hundred gooks." 

Best of dadoctah
The unexpected breakout hit attraction at Disneyland Bahrain was the audioanimatronic "Great Moments with Orson Bean".

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm glad to see that spaghetti sauce stain came out of tablecloth."

Best of Best of
You must be at least this tall. OK, you can ride Secretary Kerry.

Best of Dr. Doom
"Right this way to the Clinton Foundation fundraiser gentlemen," directed Mr. Kerry.

Best of Mr Hankey
Saudis hate how they get harassed outside Walmart by the street beggars

Best of GregMan
"Can we surrender yet?"

Best of mega
"Yeah I know I came here on short notice. I just wanted to get a feel for the heat level Americans will face once I've taken away their air conditioners."