Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Wonderful School Picture Fail


(Voice of Morgan Freeman) : "And Joey did indeed grow into his title, taming strange from coast to coast as captain of his university's water polo team. Joey died, alone and exhausted, in a hotel room in Vegas after a 59 dancer spree. His body, naturally desiccated by his sexual prowess, was swept up with a Dustbuster and consumed by Hugh Hefner in a Satanic ritual".

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Ice Cream Man



1. "DO NOT REMOVE ME FROM THIS VAT OF COLD SUGARY SEMI-SOLID MILK—I AM FINALLY HAPPY"

2. "Your Holstein print curtains are an offense to heavy-set women and gay  men everywhere."

3. "'Chubby Hubby' is an offense to socialism. Why so many flavors? One is enough. As long as it's not strawberry."

4.  And the number one sign you're at a really, really bad bachelor party....

5. When I said like more nuts in my Rocky Road ice cream, this is not what I was thinking.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Thursdays Are Easy Though

Sorry for the lack of posting. I just haven't seen any funny pictures that inspired me lately.


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

But Where Is His Other Hand?



1. "Is that a dissertation on General Relativity in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

2. "Sit down on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up."

3. "Is my hand on your ass or is your ass on my hand? It depends entirely on your frame of reference."

4. "Not funny. Now giff me my teef back before I beat you like United Airlines securify."

5. Then she reached in his pocket and stole all his Oxycontin and Einstein never dated a West Virginia woman again.


Friday, April 07, 2017

TGIF


Titty Gun In (your) Face

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Skin. Flute.



1. If you noticed the flute before the nip, expect a visit from Mike Pence's Electroshock Treatment Squad.

2. Female Jethro Tull reboot... much more intriguing than female Ghostbusters reboot.

3. "So, you spent your entire Clinton internship learning to play 'Hail to the Chief' on flute? Waste of time, huh?"

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Bloomers! Bloopers! Blessers! Bosoms!


1. "I never would have taken this internship if I knew it meant cleaning the skidmarks out of Hillary's bloomers."

2. Meanwhile, in the laundry room of 'The View' ...

3. Seems like an odd set up for a pr0n movie, but as long as they start making out, I'm cool with it.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

"You're going to feel a little poke..."


1. The best part about a Hillary Clinton internship... unlimited free heroin.

2. "A syringe of ketamine/Helps the strap-on, go down/Helps the strap-on, go down/Helps the strap-on, go down/In a most delightful way..."

3. "Room Service: Did you order the Courtney Love special?"

4. This Ang Lee remake of Trainspotting is the first thing he's done that' I've liked.

5. Not what I had in mind when I googled "pussy injection" but it will do.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Tuesday.



1. A young Clay Aiken wishes she'd just hurry up and bring him the damn fish already.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Yeah, We're Doing This

For about a week or so.



1. "Not to self... cinnamon oil makes terrible lubricant."

2. "Being an intern is great, but I wish Mrs. Clinton would spring for air conditioning."

3. Later, she forgot and sat down. "Million-to-one, shot, doc. Million to one."

4. Well, since the Lenin banner obviously indicates these are the offices of the DNC, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we're looking at a tranny named Jim who's just drying his balls off after a meeting with Barney Frank.

5. ORA:  Naughty, bad Zoot eventually took a secretarial job with the Crimson Permanent Assurance. The spankings continued, however.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Breaker Breaker


"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ramming speed," shouted the Donald as he hurtled toward the liberal protesters blocking I-95...

Best of Rodney Dill
Recalculating...

Best of Rodney Dill
Keep on Trumpin'

Best of Rodney Dill
"Tryin' to outrun my big rig? Rookie mistake Pelosi."

Best of Rodney Dill
"If you don't like my driving then stay off the damn sidewalk!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of Rodney Dill
Rammer? I don't even know her.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Well, My Work Here Is Done.


1. "You... into the cornfield."
2. "Has anyone seen my Samsung tablet?"
3. "Pyrokinesis rocks!"
4. The young redneck forgot that you're supposed to ask someone to hold your beer *before* setting something on fire.
5. "Hey, I wanna be in a meme, like that one little girl. So, I set your double-wide on fire. Don't worry, I'll share the internet profits with you."

Monday, March 20, 2017

"I Won't Be Ignored"

Schneider


1. "But you said you loved me!"

2. "Come on, I got my oral sex face on and everything!"

3.  "And I am telling you I'm not going/ You're the best man I'll ever know..."'

4. "But... I've got a Porsche!"

5. It is notoriously difficult to get attention from Foot Locker employees.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Do Fries Go with that Shake?


1. "Like many Americans, we enjoy our meals of hamburger sandwiches and French-fried potatoes."

2. "I didn't see 'muffburgers' on the menu. Where do you get off ordering a 'muffburger?"

3. "Remember when Goldman Sachs used to fly us on private jets to give speeches for a half-million dollars a pop? Good Goddess, we have to get Chelsea in Office."

4. "How was I supposed to know the locks on the Women's Restroom were broken?"

5. "I swear the gal operating the fryalator used to be their Director Social Media."

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Dawgs on Top



1. "Liberal chicks... bestiality... I'm set either way."

2. Judging by the tissue on the dashboard, I think this guy jacks off in his car a lot.

3. True dedication to a fetish means amputating three fingers so you can properly perform "the Shocker."

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Eggo My Leggo


1. Waffle House's new ad campaign lacks subtlety.
2. What, no bacon?
3. Even under Donald Trump, the National Endowment for the Arts remained fully funded.
4. ORA:  "Waffles are not pies, you stupid bint!"
5. Someone leaked Anjelina Jolie and Billi Bob Thornton's honeymoon pics.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Touch My Butt



1. The disturbing part is every time he reaches in he pulls out a Milk Dud.
2. Matt would later be informed that the company's Sexual Harassment handbook was not a "How-To" Manual.
3. "Your tail was showing; here, let me tuck it back in before the humans get suspicious."
4. "But it's cold in here!"
5. Following Spinal Tap's advice, Matt checks out the looseness of his date's waistband.

Best of metalgarth
"I'm just checking to see if I can fit this salami in there.... HEY!!! That gives me an idea!!!!"

 

Best of Anonymous
We know you are Becky's, she marked you with her scent.

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Since the transgender laws kicked in, you can't be too careful," thought Carl, "better safe than sorry I always say..."

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Just a complimentary butt closure check ma'am," said Billy Bob, "nothing to be alarmed about..."

 

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Well, after Doritos "Onion Rings 'N Ketchup" flavor took off, we just figured the time was right for Doritos "Skanky-Ass Fat Bitch Butt Crack" flavor."

"We figured wrong."

 

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Womyn's Day



Best of Anonymous
Don't forget your eatin' shovel, but take care not to take M'chel's eatin' shovel.

Best of Anonymous
You pay me $15 am hour and I will make your sandwich.

Best of Dactyl
Allakazam, you're a sandwich.
Anybody want a sandwich? Anybody?

Best of Dr. Doom
...and instantly the entire inventory of all three local Subways was wiped out...

Best of Mr. Right
Lady, there aren't two men on this planet desperate enough to attempt that maneuver with you!

Best of Kaptain Krude
REVERSE SIDE: ...and an ice cream sandwich, and some fried chicken, and some lasagna, and green beans, and some nachos with cheese, and hot dogs, and a turkey, and mashed potatoes, and an order of Doritos, and a supreme pizza, and macaroni and cheese, and some pulled pork, and some Polish sausage, and maybe some bar-b-que, and definitely some ham...

Monday, March 06, 2017

Flamer


1. Remember when the President was a Metrosexual flamer? Pepperidge Farm remembers

2. "Wait 'til the boys at Man's Country see my scrumptious new teddy!"

3. "OK, faux leather bomber jacket, lube and toys from Fort Troff, if I can score some meth it's Par-T time!"

4. When the new Daywalker appeared, the vampire community laughed its ass off.

5.  He thinks that bag goes with those shoes. He really is a SCOAMF.

Best of Anonymous
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
shlemiel, schlemazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated.... dee dee deee"

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene shortly before Mr. Obama ducked into the ladies room in Raleigh...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I hear there's a real beast prowling the streets.... a SEXY beast! Rawr!"

Best of Nose
"Everybody's talkin' at me...."

Best of Dr. Doom
Stinging from their gales of laughter as he left the Mecca of nightclubs, Man Country San Francisco, Mr Obama grumbled to himself, "Damned chinese food..."

Best of George C. Papoon \
"Flame On !"

Technology

Thursday, March 02, 2017

When Your Model Falls Asleep in the Middle of Her Underwear Shoot


Lick the Snake

Schneider
 


1. Who knew Spinal Tap would still be releasing albums in 2017?
2. Thought bubble. "So the rumors about Bill Maher were true. Oh well, $20 is $20."
3. "Come on, you bit off the head, now consume its blood. Do you wanna be a Young Republican or not?"
4. #43,157 on the list of 'Things I'd rather do the watch 'The View.'"
5. Arby's tests a new menu item.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Night of the Iguana



1. Yeah, all the hood rats are wearing their lizards sidewise. And the white kids who want to emulate the hood rats, they're wearing their lizards sideways too.

2. Don't you hate it when you go to somebody's crib and they haven't disciplined their lizard, so it just jumps on you and starts humping your ear?

3. Bill Maher and his chauffeur/bodyguard stop for coffee. Yes, he is quite short in real life.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Paper or Plastic


1. "But I don't want to play North Korean Astronaut."

2. "Mommy, I'm really beginning to think you like my brother best."

3. She thought she had figured out how to keep the little brat quiet. It worked eventually.

4. "Baby David Carradine, you take that bag off your head right this instant."

5. "If only your father had bagged it. Never too late, I guess."

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Ummm.....

Schneider


Best of Russ in Oregon
Vasectomies are just too expensive under Obamacare.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
'ow to speak Australian: home surgery kit.

 

Best of Mr. Right
"The Do-It-Yourself Sex Change Operation" was easily the worst selling self-help video of all time.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
"The doctor said I wouldn't have so many anal bleeds if I just kept my finger out of there," a grown-up

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine's Day with Matt Lauer



1. "So, I trust date night with Chris Matthews went well."

2. "The handcuffs weren't nearly as kinky as the butt closures."

3. And then Al Roker came out in buttless leather chaps and it was Andrew Sullivan's favorite Today Show ever.

4. "Our safety word is 'Barack.'"

5.   "After the commercial break, we'll check and see how the gerbil is doing."

Best of Dr. Doom
Number 17 on the list of ways you can tell that your car wash probably comes with a free rim job...

Best of Best of
Still a better romantic movie than "Twilight."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hey, Harrison Ford, I've got a new key ring for you!"

Best of Rooted in Him
ORA - "You, me, handcuffs. Must it always end this way?"

Best of Best of
"Only on Today." No sh*t.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"... so when we searched the traps, we found at least a dozen of these little monsters running around. A little zap from the cattle prod, and they're mostly docile. But the problem is, they're breeders. You could be overrun on these within a few weeks. Would you like to pay for the extra Diamond Plan, in which we not only trap 'em, but also haul 'em off for an extra $25 per month?"

Monday, February 13, 2017

Breaking Bad Wind

Schneider



1. "I told Kobe I was open. Next thing I knew... I was opened."

2. Being superstitious by nature, the players insisted that Bryan Cranton's "good luck spankings" would take them all the way to the championship.

3. "I wish I had opted for the car wash."

4. ORA: "Million-to-one, doc. Million-to-one."

5. "What do you men you've never felt a black man's tight solid buttocks before? Come on, girl, give it a good feel."

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Two Guys and a Hog



1. "There. I told you we were shrinking."

2. "OK, Pence. Put on the "I'm the bitch who fell off" T-shirt and let's ride."

3. "Elena Kagan took your parking space again?"

4. "Yes, boy wonder, I see the Trump Signal. The Trumpmobile is still in the Trumpcave. I will drive the Tumpcycle, you will ride in the Trumpsidecar."

5. As the grass lawn tilted upward and the motorcycle loomed in enormous proportion, Mike Pence reflected, "This is really good acid."

Best of metalgarth
President Muntz and his pal Cotton Hill decide that it's high time to go give some lefties some well deserved wedgies. Then off to the Hotel Arlen to "grab some p**ssy"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yep Mike - that is Rosie O'Donnell's ride," replied the President, "she won't be needing it at the work camp... bwaaahhaaahaaa..."

Best of Best of

...and here it is Hillary's Bitch Bike...in blue of course. All this shit keeps arriving, she really thought she was going to win.

Best of Mr Hankey
I predict your jump over the Caesars Palace fountain will win us Nevada next time

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Oh look, Aretha left her hat from the inauguration.....

Best of Mr. Right
"Prince had an estate sale."

Kill It With Fire!



1. Halle Barry is looking rough these days.

2. Prince had an estate sale.

3. Say Yes to the Dress, San Francisco edition.

Best of GregMan
It was sad to see what became of some of Hillary's potential cabinet picks after the election.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I'll take Fabulous Zombie Apocalypse for $400 Alex," stated the Jeopardy Champion...

Best of Best of
Still a better romantic movie than Twilight.

Best of metalgarth
IS that who's going to be Princess Leia now that Carrie Fisher is gone?

Best of Russinor
The Democrats getting ready for The Resistance.

Best of Mr. Right
"Okay, who the hell is 'Tighty Whitey' and what moron hired Joel Schumacher to direct the new Justice League movie???"

Best of Best of
The first version of Darth Vader's costume goes a long way to explain his bad attitude.

Monday, February 06, 2017

These Two Guys


1. "When I die, I want to be reincarnated as Lady Gaga's jockstrap." "You're very confused, son."

2. "So, that's your advice? Stay behind the whole game then win at the end? Well, it got you elected."

3. "Grabbed her by the pu**y... Grabbed her by the pu**y... Grabbed that one by the pu**y..."

4. "Wanna swap supermodel trophy wives later?"

5. "I remember back in high school, the team used to have car washes to raise money; I used to give the best rim jobs."

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Speaking of flattened and deflated balls, here's Roger Goodell!"

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Sure, I think the dollar bill needs to be updated; but replacing 'E Pluribus Unum' with 'Grab Life By The Pussy!"....hmmm, I'll get back to you!"

Best of Best of
... and at that exact moment Donald won the bet about the Tijuana Donkey show.

Best of Dr. Doom
Brady: "So then I asked Goodell if he was there to check my balls."
Trump: "Nice touch..."

Best of Dactyl
WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!!!

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Trump 45 and Trump 48.



1. "Tell me a dad joke. I wanna be a meme."

2. "When we carpet bomb Berkeley, can I ride in the lead B-52?"

3. "And then I offered McCain some chocolate Ex-Lax and told him it was a Hershey bar and the old f-cker sh-t his pants."

4. "Dad, tell me again about mom's fetish for throat pouches."

5. "The Safe School Czar offered me a body massage, so I had my Secret Service detail pepper sprayed him. He's rolling on the men's room floor trying to claw his eyes out. I never laughed so hard in my life."



Best of Dr. Doom
Barron: "My English teacher gave me a B on my essay, so I bought the business where her husband and parents work with my allowance and fired them all".

Donald: "That's my boy"!


Best of Best of
Barron: "Dad, what is a rim job?"
Donald: "You will find out at your 16th birthday party, ask her for anything you want."
 
Best of Dr. Doom
"Dad, Senator Craig asked if he could borrow the car," related Barron, "He said he wants to get it washed for you to support flag football..."

Best of GregMan
"Tell me again about how you defeated a wicked old communist witch."