Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Orb of ... Something


1. "So, the Prophets have sent down another Orb from the Celestial Temple... and the last one to take his hands off wins! I got this!"

2. "Aw, come on, you guys, just let me touch the Infinity Stone. I promised not to unleash its power."

3. "I just figured it out. Orb spelled backwards is 'bro.' How cool is that?"

4. "The Orb of Prophecy just told me I'm gonna nail Major Kyra."

5. "The Orb has sworn its allegiance to me. Do not be afraid."

Monday, May 22, 2017

Back in the saddle again

Sorry about last week. I was sick with pneumonia. I didn't get much accomplished. Much less, blogging.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn! Ph'nglui mglw'nfah Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Giant Sea Creature washes up on Indonesian beach.

Shark Week After Dark


1. ORA: Troy McClure leaks sex pics in a desperate bid to revive his career.

2. "Don't ask me how, but I just got the greatest idea for a TV show," Mark Cuban said.

3. "Rick, when I said you needed to find your own 'roe to ho,' what I meant was..."

4. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... or do something so perverted it shocks all human standards of goodness and normalcy.

5. "I'm King of the World!"

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Yeah, She's Not Even Hiding It Now



1. "Well, Christine, when you and Rachel Maddow invited me to attend a 'Women for Women' Event.... I was expecting something sort of different."

2. "... and in conclusion, let me just say to all attendees, there is no such thing as a natural heterosexual orgasm. Good night."

3. Judging from her hands position, Hillary is trying to explain heterosexual intercourse to the uninitiated.

4. Hillary was so out-of-it on anti-seizure meds she didn't even feel the tribble eating her foot.

5. "Oh, I've been into 'International Women' for years... have you met my special friend Huma?"

Football, Homoeroticism In...


Saturday, May 06, 2017

Throwback Thursday... on Saturday...



1. Akiro Kurosasawa's "Eyes Wide Shut."
2. Edna Mode saw this picture and immediately died of a brain seizure.
3. Production numbers like this were why Tommy Shaw quit Styx.
4. And this is why no one wanted to use the holodeck right after Mr. Sulu.

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Maniac Pope


Vatican is my city. Never seenno titty. But I still spit fire like Diddy. Drop Psalms like bombs And prayers mad witty.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Wonderful School Picture Fail


(Voice of Morgan Freeman) : "And Joey did indeed grow into his title, taming strange from coast to coast as captain of his university's water polo team. Joey died, alone and exhausted, in a hotel room in Vegas after a 59 dancer spree. His body, naturally desiccated by his sexual prowess, was swept up with a Dustbuster and consumed by Hugh Hefner in a Satanic ritual".

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Ice Cream Man



1. "DO NOT REMOVE ME FROM THIS VAT OF COLD SUGARY SEMI-SOLID MILK—I AM FINALLY HAPPY"

2. "Your Holstein print curtains are an offense to heavy-set women and gay  men everywhere."

3. "'Chubby Hubby' is an offense to socialism. Why so many flavors? One is enough. As long as it's not strawberry."

4.  And the number one sign you're at a really, really bad bachelor party....

5. When I said like more nuts in my Rocky Road ice cream, this is not what I was thinking.

Best of Dr. Doom
The promotion for Ben & Jerry's new flavor, Nuttier Than a Socialist Moonbat, was marketing genius...

Best of metalgarth
Well.... I IDENTIFY as package of Ice Cream and DEMAND free tax payer money to support my lifestyle.

Best of Rodney Dill
"SHRINKAGE!"

Best of Best of
I scream... You scream... WE ALL SCREAM... and finally Hillary will LEAVE!!!!!

Best of jimbro
Long time hemorrhoid sufferer Bernie Sanders finds relief while campaigning.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Looks like someone opted for one of those "Earth-Friendly" Funerals.



Best of John Schneider
The ultra economy funeral. $149. $125 if you bring your own baggies.

Best of Dr. Doom
Redneck funerals are slightly less entertaining than redneck weddings... because one less drunk.

Best of Best of
Once they arrived at the landfill, the decedent started feeling chipper.

Best of Rodney Dill
Shredder? I don't even know her.

Best of jimbro
Mexican vampire tree trimmers, doing the jobs that American vampires refuse to do.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Here kitty kitty. Here kitty kitty."

Best of jimbro
A mere $100 invested in pre-IPO shares of Soylent Green Industries would be worth millions today.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Thursdays Are Easy Though

Sorry for the lack of posting. I just haven't seen any funny pictures that inspired me lately.


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

But Where Is His Other Hand?



1. "Is that a dissertation on General Relativity in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

2. "Sit down on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up."

3. "Is my hand on your ass or is your ass on my hand? It depends entirely on your frame of reference."

4. "Not funny. Now giff me my teef back before I beat you like United Airlines securify."

5. Then she reached in his pocket and stole all his Oxycontin and Einstein never dated a West Virginia woman again.


Friday, April 07, 2017

TGIF


Titty Gun In (your) Face

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Skin. Flute.



1. If you noticed the flute before the nip, expect a visit from Mike Pence's Electroshock Treatment Squad.

2. Female Jethro Tull reboot... much more intriguing than female Ghostbusters reboot.

3. "So, you spent your entire Clinton internship learning to play 'Hail to the Chief' on flute? Waste of time, huh?"

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Bloomers! Bloopers! Blessers! Bosoms!


1. "I never would have taken this internship if I knew it meant cleaning the skidmarks out of Hillary's bloomers."

2. Meanwhile, in the laundry room of 'The View' ...

3. Seems like an odd set up for a pr0n movie, but as long as they start making out, I'm cool with it.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

"You're going to feel a little poke..."


1. The best part about a Hillary Clinton internship... unlimited free heroin.

2. "A syringe of ketamine/Helps the strap-on, go down/Helps the strap-on, go down/Helps the strap-on, go down/In a most delightful way..."

3. "Room Service: Did you order the Courtney Love special?"

4. This Ang Lee remake of Trainspotting is the first thing he's done that' I've liked.

5. Not what I had in mind when I googled "pussy injection" but it will do.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Tuesday.



1. A young Clay Aiken wishes she'd just hurry up and bring him the damn fish already.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Yeah, We're Doing This

For about a week or so.



1. "Not to self... cinnamon oil makes terrible lubricant."

2. "Being an intern is great, but I wish Mrs. Clinton would spring for air conditioning."

3. Later, she forgot and sat down. "Million-to-one, shot, doc. Million to one."

4. Well, since the Lenin banner obviously indicates these are the offices of the DNC, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we're looking at a tranny named Jim who's just drying his balls off after a meeting with Barney Frank.

5. ORA:  Naughty, bad Zoot eventually took a secretarial job with the Crimson Permanent Assurance. The spankings continued, however.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Breaker Breaker


"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ramming speed," shouted the Donald as he hurtled toward the liberal protesters blocking I-95...

Best of Rodney Dill
Recalculating...

Best of Rodney Dill
Keep on Trumpin'

Best of Rodney Dill
"Tryin' to outrun my big rig? Rookie mistake Pelosi."

Best of Rodney Dill
"If you don't like my driving then stay off the damn sidewalk!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of Rodney Dill
Rammer? I don't even know her.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Well, My Work Here Is Done.


1. "You... into the cornfield."
2. "Has anyone seen my Samsung tablet?"
3. "Pyrokinesis rocks!"
4. The young redneck forgot that you're supposed to ask someone to hold your beer *before* setting something on fire.
5. "Hey, I wanna be in a meme, like that one little girl. So, I set your double-wide on fire. Don't worry, I'll share the internet profits with you."

Monday, March 20, 2017

"I Won't Be Ignored"

Schneider


1. "But you said you loved me!"

2. "Come on, I got my oral sex face on and everything!"

3.  "And I am telling you I'm not going/ You're the best man I'll ever know..."'

4. "But... I've got a Porsche!"

5. It is notoriously difficult to get attention from Foot Locker employees.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Do Fries Go with that Shake?


1. "Like many Americans, we enjoy our meals of hamburger sandwiches and French-fried potatoes."

2. "I didn't see 'muffburgers' on the menu. Where do you get off ordering a 'muffburger?"

3. "Remember when Goldman Sachs used to fly us on private jets to give speeches for a half-million dollars a pop? Good Goddess, we have to get Chelsea in Office."

4. "How was I supposed to know the locks on the Women's Restroom were broken?"

5. "I swear the gal operating the fryalator used to be their Director Social Media."

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Dawgs on Top



1. "Liberal chicks... bestiality... I'm set either way."

2. Judging by the tissue on the dashboard, I think this guy jacks off in his car a lot.

3. True dedication to a fetish means amputating three fingers so you can properly perform "the Shocker."

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Eggo My Leggo


1. Waffle House's new ad campaign lacks subtlety.
2. What, no bacon?
3. Even under Donald Trump, the National Endowment for the Arts remained fully funded.
4. ORA:  "Waffles are not pies, you stupid bint!"
5. Someone leaked Anjelina Jolie and Billi Bob Thornton's honeymoon pics.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Touch My Butt



1. The disturbing part is every time he reaches in he pulls out a Milk Dud.
2. Matt would later be informed that the company's Sexual Harassment handbook was not a "How-To" Manual.
3. "Your tail was showing; here, let me tuck it back in before the humans get suspicious."
4. "But it's cold in here!"
5. Following Spinal Tap's advice, Matt checks out the looseness of his date's waistband.

Best of metalgarth
"I'm just checking to see if I can fit this salami in there.... HEY!!! That gives me an idea!!!!"

 

Best of Anonymous
We know you are Becky's, she marked you with her scent.

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Since the transgender laws kicked in, you can't be too careful," thought Carl, "better safe than sorry I always say..."

 

Best of Dr. Doom
"Just a complimentary butt closure check ma'am," said Billy Bob, "nothing to be alarmed about..."

 

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Well, after Doritos "Onion Rings 'N Ketchup" flavor took off, we just figured the time was right for Doritos "Skanky-Ass Fat Bitch Butt Crack" flavor."

"We figured wrong."

 

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Womyn's Day



Best of Anonymous
Don't forget your eatin' shovel, but take care not to take M'chel's eatin' shovel.

Best of Anonymous
You pay me $15 am hour and I will make your sandwich.

Best of Dactyl
Allakazam, you're a sandwich.
Anybody want a sandwich? Anybody?

Best of Dr. Doom
...and instantly the entire inventory of all three local Subways was wiped out...

Best of Mr. Right
Lady, there aren't two men on this planet desperate enough to attempt that maneuver with you!

Best of Kaptain Krude
REVERSE SIDE: ...and an ice cream sandwich, and some fried chicken, and some lasagna, and green beans, and some nachos with cheese, and hot dogs, and a turkey, and mashed potatoes, and an order of Doritos, and a supreme pizza, and macaroni and cheese, and some pulled pork, and some Polish sausage, and maybe some bar-b-que, and definitely some ham...

Monday, March 06, 2017

Flamer


1. Remember when the President was a Metrosexual flamer? Pepperidge Farm remembers

2. "Wait 'til the boys at Man's Country see my scrumptious new teddy!"

3. "OK, faux leather bomber jacket, lube and toys from Fort Troff, if I can score some meth it's Par-T time!"

4. When the new Daywalker appeared, the vampire community laughed its ass off.

5.  He thinks that bag goes with those shoes. He really is a SCOAMF.

Best of Anonymous
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
shlemiel, schlemazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated.... dee dee deee"

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene shortly before Mr. Obama ducked into the ladies room in Raleigh...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I hear there's a real beast prowling the streets.... a SEXY beast! Rawr!"

Best of Nose
"Everybody's talkin' at me...."

Best of Dr. Doom
Stinging from their gales of laughter as he left the Mecca of nightclubs, Man Country San Francisco, Mr Obama grumbled to himself, "Damned chinese food..."

Best of George C. Papoon \
"Flame On !"

Technology

Thursday, March 02, 2017

When Your Model Falls Asleep in the Middle of Her Underwear Shoot


Lick the Snake

Schneider
 


1. Who knew Spinal Tap would still be releasing albums in 2017?
2. Thought bubble. "So the rumors about Bill Maher were true. Oh well, $20 is $20."
3. "Come on, you bit off the head, now consume its blood. Do you wanna be a Young Republican or not?"
4. #43,157 on the list of 'Things I'd rather do the watch 'The View.'"
5. Arby's tests a new menu item.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Night of the Iguana



1. Yeah, all the hood rats are wearing their lizards sidewise. And the white kids who want to emulate the hood rats, they're wearing their lizards sideways too.

2. Don't you hate it when you go to somebody's crib and they haven't disciplined their lizard, so it just jumps on you and starts humping your ear?

3. Bill Maher and his chauffeur/bodyguard stop for coffee. Yes, he is quite short in real life.