Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Katy Perry has fallen, and she can't get up


1. She hasn't been in a fetal position this wrong since she realized she had sex with Russell Brand.

2. The new pajama person is slightly less feminine than the old one.

3. Thought bubble: "How do trees work?"

4. Katy Perry's 'Orange is the New Black' audition went poorly because she couldn't convincingly portray an angry black lesbian. Also, she forgot to wear orange.

5. Katy Perry was unprepared for Hillary's size and gut-busting stamina.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Darwin Award Semi-FInalist

Cause of death: Massive head trauma induced when the cleansing energy affixed to her airbag was slammed into her skull.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Weekend Challenge


1. Their step-fathers and shame.

Best of Best of
Thug life and kitty litter.

Best of George C. Papoon
Ennui and desperation.

Best of George C. Papoon
The sickly sweet scent of overused fry oil at a 24 hour waffle joint on a muggy day.

Best of GregMan
Hillary Clinton.

Best of racerboy
Boone's, Fireball, and mayonnaise

Best of Rodney Dill
Teen spirit

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Free Hugs

According to her Facebook page, "Francine Duvall embraces herself as beautiful. She rides the subway dressed in a bikini to shatter societal norms of beauty."

My norms of beauty are still intact. She's just fugly.

What say you, monors?

 
 
Best of metalgarth
Sure.... if you're turned on by women whose midsections look like Jar Jar Binks in sunglasses
Best of Best of
"Aunt Francine! Put your clothes on right now, or no more ice cream!"
Best of George C. Papoon
"Francine Duvall embraces herself as beautiful", yet is puzzled why viewers embrace emesis basins.
Best of Dactyl
Wow, Clinton has really lost it.
Chelsea, Hill, Bill, or George? - V the K
Best of Best of
"I opened the puzzle box an hour ago but the Cenobites still haven't shown up. I'm waiting, guys!"
Best of GregMan
Best of Kaptain Krude
Free hugs
Option to not hug - $20
Aunt Gladys came up with a new, novel way to make money in a faltering economy.


Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Something Retro for Tuesday


1. "I think we should start seeing other people in giant test tubes."

2. "Well, I paid $400 for this outfit and I'm not changing, so you can just find something else to wear, missy!"

3. ORA: "Well, I'll 'talk to ya later,' because 'she's a beauty.' Get it, because we're in Tubes!"

4. Say what you will about Ivanka Trump, she makes a stunning pantsuit.

5. "Remind me again, how did we become trapped in your giant bong?"

Best of Best of
Wow Christopher, your parents sure are serious about this 'no sex before marriage' thing.

Best of rodney dill
Bong. James Bong.

Best of Dr. Doom
Late in his career Mr. Scott distinguished himself by adding a gender reassignment module to the Enterprise transporter system. Dr. McCoy was not amused but Mr. Sulu enjoyed it immensely...

Best of metalgarth
Meet the 1st ever successful Test Tube Adults

Best of mega
"As a white assistant professor, sometimes I don't feel as welcome at Evergreen College as I used to."

Friday, June 09, 2017

Sad Hipster Is Sad


1. His hipster-sense began twitching as soon as he sensed the presence of gluten within a four block radius.

2. Sudden realization that Comey's testimony isn't going to lead to Trump's impeachment, or Laxative kicking in?

3. How a normal man looks when his team just fumbled on fourth down; or how a hipster looks when he finds out the coffee isn't Fair Trade.

Best of metalgarth
Millhouse just KNEW he had the damning evidence on President Muntz but even MSNBC laughed when he said "Atomic Wedgies"

Best of Dr. Doom
The Metrosexual Avenger learns of Adam West's passing...

Best of jimbro
"What? Cum is not gluten free???"

Best of GregMan
"I still can't believe Hillary lost!"

Wednesday, June 07, 2017

The Wall



I figure this is either Comcast Customer Service or Spirit Airlines.

Thursday, June 01, 2017

Stolen from ther AOSHQ Art Thread


1. Hey look, it's Amy Schumer. And some skinny chick is riding on her. I think it's Hillary Swank.
2. "No, honey, I was using a slang term for a Harley Davidson motorcycle."
3. In his later years, Arnold Ziffle turned to porn to make ends meet.
4. In related news, Huma Abedin has decided to patch things up with Anthony Weiner. I have no idea why this picture made me think of that.
5. Granted, they were a longshot at winning the Preakness, but imagine the payoff.
6. Oh, so that's what "covfefe" means.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

This Tampon Commercial Took a Dark Turn


Yeah, I stole the threadline from Twitter, 'cos it was better than anything I came up with.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Vacationing Together for Once



1. "So, usual procedure, I'll hit the bath houses while you try and find the biggest tub of fries this town has to offer. Deal?" "Deal."

2. "Can you believe you can't get a pack of Kools in all of Italy?"

3. "I wonder if any of these Italians need their communities organized?"

4. "I know, let's pop in and visit the queen. You know, since we're both dressed for it."

5. "Not surprised at all Mr. Blackwell ripped the sleeves clean off that tacky Kmart blouse."

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

The Orb of ... Something


1. "So, the Prophets have sent down another Orb from the Celestial Temple... and the last one to take his hands off wins! I got this!"

2. "Aw, come on, you guys, just let me touch the Infinity Stone. I promised not to unleash its power."

3. "I just figured it out. Orb spelled backwards is 'bro.' How cool is that?"

4. "The Orb of Prophecy just told me I'm gonna nail Major Kyra."

5. "The Orb has sworn its allegiance to me. Do not be afraid."

Monday, May 22, 2017

Back in the saddle again

Sorry about last week. I was sick with pneumonia. I didn't get much accomplished. Much less, blogging.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn! Ph'nglui mglw'nfah Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

Giant Sea Creature washes up on Indonesian beach.

 
 
 
Best of jimbro
"Damn! Rosie O'Donnell crapped in the lagoon again!"
Best of Kaptain Krude
"My cousin in Alaska says we're rich!"
Best of jimbro
Trump never imagined what evils swamp draining would reveal.
Best of Rodney Dill
"Jees.... not lutefisk for dinner again!"
Best of Rodney Dill
"Guess we needed a bigger boat."


Shark Week After Dark


1. ORA: Troy McClure leaks sex pics in a desperate bid to revive his career.

2. "Don't ask me how, but I just got the greatest idea for a TV show," Mark Cuban said.

3. "Rick, when I said you needed to find your own 'roe to ho,' what I meant was..."

4. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... or do something so perverted it shocks all human standards of goodness and normalcy.

5. "I'm King of the World!"

Best of Best of
Can you hear me, little Timmy? We'll get you out of there! I'm gonna lube up and come in after you!

Best of jimbro
As if we needed more proof that the idiom "jump the shark" has itself jumped the shark.

Best of metalgarth
The new Great White video leaves much to be desired and little to the imagination.

Best of Kaptain Krude
Still a better love story than "Twilight" .

Best of Dactyl
Tonight on the Dolphin News Network: President Flipper getting holejobs from innocent fat interns in the Trapezoidal Office? We'll find out!

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I shall hug him and squeeze him and love him and I shall call him George." -- Two separate thought bubbles.

Best of jimbro
Man, the front cover of "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition" has really let itself go.


Tuesday, May 09, 2017

Yeah, She's Not Even Hiding It Now



1. "Well, Christine, when you and Rachel Maddow invited me to attend a 'Women for Women' Event.... I was expecting something sort of different."

2. "... and in conclusion, let me just say to all attendees, there is no such thing as a natural heterosexual orgasm. Good night."

3. Judging from her hands position, Hillary is trying to explain heterosexual intercourse to the uninitiated.

4. Hillary was so out-of-it on anti-seizure meds she didn't even feel the tribble eating her foot.

5. "Oh, I've been into 'International Women' for years... have you met my special friend Huma?"



Best of Jimbro
"Women FOR Women conference? I thought I would was participating in a Women ON Women conference!"

Best of Dr. Doom
"...and let me tell you about Huma's clitori$," related the First Lady conspiritorily...

Best of jimbro
Up next on "Penis Envy": Hillary wishes she was hung like a horse.

Best of Double the U
(ORA) When he said that I thought, "What's wrong with a kiss, ya' big oaf? Hmmmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go grab the pussy like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss!"

Best of Double the U
You don't grab the pussy first, first you put the ball gag in her mouth...

Football, Homoeroticism In...


Saturday, May 06, 2017

Throwback Thursday... on Saturday...



1. Akiro Kurosasawa's "Eyes Wide Shut."
2. Edna Mode saw this picture and immediately died of a brain seizure.
3. Production numbers like this were why Tommy Shaw quit Styx.
4. And this is why no one wanted to use the holodeck right after Mr. Sulu.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Waiter... There's a fly in my soup."
"Oh no.... Mom! What happened?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"Sorry, I'm fresh out of Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulators. Sold the last one to Kim Jong-Un about 15 minutes ago."

Best of GregMan
"Take me to your President. What, you mean Hillary didn't win?!?"

Best of jimbro
"We heard that Uranus broke the internet."

Best of jimbro
Speed dating takes on a whole new meaning for Seventh Level Korean Free Masons.

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Maniac Pope


Vatican is my city. Never seenno titty. But I still spit fire like Diddy. Drop Psalms like bombs And prayers mad witty.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Wonderful School Picture Fail


(Voice of Morgan Freeman) : "And Joey did indeed grow into his title, taming strange from coast to coast as captain of his university's water polo team. Joey died, alone and exhausted, in a hotel room in Vegas after a 59 dancer spree. His body, naturally desiccated by his sexual prowess, was swept up with a Dustbuster and consumed by Hugh Hefner in a Satanic ritual".

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The Ice Cream Man



1. "DO NOT REMOVE ME FROM THIS VAT OF COLD SUGARY SEMI-SOLID MILK—I AM FINALLY HAPPY"

2. "Your Holstein print curtains are an offense to heavy-set women and gay  men everywhere."

3. "'Chubby Hubby' is an offense to socialism. Why so many flavors? One is enough. As long as it's not strawberry."

4.  And the number one sign you're at a really, really bad bachelor party....

5. When I said like more nuts in my Rocky Road ice cream, this is not what I was thinking.

Best of Dr. Doom
The promotion for Ben & Jerry's new flavor, Nuttier Than a Socialist Moonbat, was marketing genius...

Best of metalgarth
Well.... I IDENTIFY as package of Ice Cream and DEMAND free tax payer money to support my lifestyle.

Best of Rodney Dill
"SHRINKAGE!"

Best of Best of
I scream... You scream... WE ALL SCREAM... and finally Hillary will LEAVE!!!!!

Best of jimbro
Long time hemorrhoid sufferer Bernie Sanders finds relief while campaigning.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Looks like someone opted for one of those "Earth-Friendly" Funerals.



Best of John Schneider
The ultra economy funeral. $149. $125 if you bring your own baggies.

Best of Dr. Doom
Redneck funerals are slightly less entertaining than redneck weddings... because one less drunk.

Best of Best of
Once they arrived at the landfill, the decedent started feeling chipper.

Best of Rodney Dill
Shredder? I don't even know her.

Best of jimbro
Mexican vampire tree trimmers, doing the jobs that American vampires refuse to do.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Here kitty kitty. Here kitty kitty."

Best of jimbro
A mere $100 invested in pre-IPO shares of Soylent Green Industries would be worth millions today.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Thursdays Are Easy Though

Sorry for the lack of posting. I just haven't seen any funny pictures that inspired me lately.


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

But Where Is His Other Hand?



1. "Is that a dissertation on General Relativity in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

2. "Sit down on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up."

3. "Is my hand on your ass or is your ass on my hand? It depends entirely on your frame of reference."

4. "Not funny. Now giff me my teef back before I beat you like United Airlines securify."

5. Then she reached in his pocket and stole all his Oxycontin and Einstein never dated a West Virginia woman again.


Friday, April 07, 2017

TGIF


Titty Gun In (your) Face

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Skin. Flute.



1. If you noticed the flute before the nip, expect a visit from Mike Pence's Electroshock Treatment Squad.

2. Female Jethro Tull reboot... much more intriguing than female Ghostbusters reboot.

3. "So, you spent your entire Clinton internship learning to play 'Hail to the Chief' on flute? Waste of time, huh?"

Saturday, April 01, 2017

Bloomers! Bloopers! Blessers! Bosoms!


1. "I never would have taken this internship if I knew it meant cleaning the skidmarks out of Hillary's bloomers."

2. Meanwhile, in the laundry room of 'The View' ...

3. Seems like an odd set up for a pr0n movie, but as long as they start making out, I'm cool with it.


Wednesday, March 29, 2017

"You're going to feel a little poke..."


1. The best part about a Hillary Clinton internship... unlimited free heroin.

2. "A syringe of ketamine/Helps the strap-on, go down/Helps the strap-on, go down/Helps the strap-on, go down/In a most delightful way..."

3. "Room Service: Did you order the Courtney Love special?"

4. This Ang Lee remake of Trainspotting is the first thing he's done that' I've liked.

5. Not what I had in mind when I googled "pussy injection" but it will do.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Tuesday.



1. A young Clay Aiken wishes she'd just hurry up and bring him the damn fish already.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Yeah, We're Doing This

For about a week or so.



1. "Not to self... cinnamon oil makes terrible lubricant."

2. "Being an intern is great, but I wish Mrs. Clinton would spring for air conditioning."

3. Later, she forgot and sat down. "Million-to-one, shot, doc. Million to one."

4. Well, since the Lenin banner obviously indicates these are the offices of the DNC, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that we're looking at a tranny named Jim who's just drying his balls off after a meeting with Barney Frank.

5. ORA:  Naughty, bad Zoot eventually took a secretarial job with the Crimson Permanent Assurance. The spankings continued, however.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Breaker Breaker


"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round."

Best of Dr. Doom
"Ramming speed," shouted the Donald as he hurtled toward the liberal protesters blocking I-95...

Best of Rodney Dill
Recalculating...

Best of Rodney Dill
Keep on Trumpin'

Best of Rodney Dill
"Tryin' to outrun my big rig? Rookie mistake Pelosi."

Best of Rodney Dill
"If you don't like my driving then stay off the damn sidewalk!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Where will you be when your laxative kicks in?

Best of Rodney Dill
Rammer? I don't even know her.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Well, My Work Here Is Done.


1. "You... into the cornfield."
2. "Has anyone seen my Samsung tablet?"
3. "Pyrokinesis rocks!"
4. The young redneck forgot that you're supposed to ask someone to hold your beer *before* setting something on fire.
5. "Hey, I wanna be in a meme, like that one little girl. So, I set your double-wide on fire. Don't worry, I'll share the internet profits with you."

Monday, March 20, 2017

"I Won't Be Ignored"

Schneider


1. "But you said you loved me!"

2. "Come on, I got my oral sex face on and everything!"

3.  "And I am telling you I'm not going/ You're the best man I'll ever know..."'

4. "But... I've got a Porsche!"

5. It is notoriously difficult to get attention from Foot Locker employees.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Do Fries Go with that Shake?


1. "Like many Americans, we enjoy our meals of hamburger sandwiches and French-fried potatoes."

2. "I didn't see 'muffburgers' on the menu. Where do you get off ordering a 'muffburger?"

3. "Remember when Goldman Sachs used to fly us on private jets to give speeches for a half-million dollars a pop? Good Goddess, we have to get Chelsea in Office."

4. "How was I supposed to know the locks on the Women's Restroom were broken?"

5. "I swear the gal operating the fryalator used to be their Director Social Media."