Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Night of the Iguana



1. Yeah, all the hood rats are wearing their lizards sidewise. And the white kids who want to emulate the hood rats, they're wearing their lizards sideways too.

2. Don't you hate it when you go to somebody's crib and they haven't disciplined their lizard, so it just jumps on you and starts humping your ear?

3. Bill Maher and his chauffeur/bodyguard stop for coffee. Yes, he is quite short in real life.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Paper or Plastic


1. "But I don't want to play North Korean Astronaut."

2. "Mommy, I'm really beginning to think you like my brother best."

3. She thought she had figured out how to keep the little brat quiet. It worked eventually.

4. "Baby David Carradine, you take that bag off your head right this instant."

5. "If only your father had bagged it. Never too late, I guess."

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Ummm.....

Schneider


Best of Russ in Oregon
Vasectomies are just too expensive under Obamacare.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
'ow to speak Australian: home surgery kit.

 

Best of Mr. Right
"The Do-It-Yourself Sex Change Operation" was easily the worst selling self-help video of all time.

 

Best of Kaptain Krude
"The doctor said I wouldn't have so many anal bleeds if I just kept my finger out of there," a grown-up

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine's Day with Matt Lauer



1. "So, I trust date night with Chris Matthews went well."

2. "The handcuffs weren't nearly as kinky as the butt closures."

3. And then Al Roker came out in buttless leather chaps and it was Andrew Sullivan's favorite Today Show ever.

4. "Our safety word is 'Barack.'"

5.   "After the commercial break, we'll check and see how the gerbil is doing."

Best of Dr. Doom
Number 17 on the list of ways you can tell that your car wash probably comes with a free rim job...

Best of Best of
Still a better romantic movie than "Twilight."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Hey, Harrison Ford, I've got a new key ring for you!"

Best of Rooted in Him
ORA - "You, me, handcuffs. Must it always end this way?"

Best of Best of
"Only on Today." No sh*t.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"... so when we searched the traps, we found at least a dozen of these little monsters running around. A little zap from the cattle prod, and they're mostly docile. But the problem is, they're breeders. You could be overrun on these within a few weeks. Would you like to pay for the extra Diamond Plan, in which we not only trap 'em, but also haul 'em off for an extra $25 per month?"

Monday, February 13, 2017

Breaking Bad Wind

Schneider



1. "I told Kobe I was open. Next thing I knew... I was opened."

2. Being superstitious by nature, the players insisted that Bryan Cranton's "good luck spankings" would take them all the way to the championship.

3. "I wish I had opted for the car wash."

4. ORA: "Million-to-one, doc. Million-to-one."

5. "What do you men you've never felt a black man's tight solid buttocks before? Come on, girl, give it a good feel."

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Two Guys and a Hog



1. "There. I told you we were shrinking."

2. "OK, Pence. Put on the "I'm the bitch who fell off" T-shirt and let's ride."

3. "Elena Kagan took your parking space again?"

4. "Yes, boy wonder, I see the Trump Signal. The Trumpmobile is still in the Trumpcave. I will drive the Tumpcycle, you will ride in the Trumpsidecar."

5. As the grass lawn tilted upward and the motorcycle loomed in enormous proportion, Mike Pence reflected, "This is really good acid."

Best of metalgarth
President Muntz and his pal Cotton Hill decide that it's high time to go give some lefties some well deserved wedgies. Then off to the Hotel Arlen to "grab some p**ssy"

Best of Dr. Doom
"Yep Mike - that is Rosie O'Donnell's ride," replied the President, "she won't be needing it at the work camp... bwaaahhaaahaaa..."

Best of Best of

...and here it is Hillary's Bitch Bike...in blue of course. All this shit keeps arriving, she really thought she was going to win.

Best of Mr Hankey
I predict your jump over the Caesars Palace fountain will win us Nevada next time

Best of Kaptain Krude
ORA: Oh look, Aretha left her hat from the inauguration.....

Best of Mr. Right
"Prince had an estate sale."

Kill It With Fire!



1. Halle Barry is looking rough these days.

2. Prince had an estate sale.

3. Say Yes to the Dress, San Francisco edition.

Best of GregMan
It was sad to see what became of some of Hillary's potential cabinet picks after the election.

Best of Dr. Doom
"I'll take Fabulous Zombie Apocalypse for $400 Alex," stated the Jeopardy Champion...

Best of Best of
Still a better romantic movie than Twilight.

Best of metalgarth
IS that who's going to be Princess Leia now that Carrie Fisher is gone?

Best of Russinor
The Democrats getting ready for The Resistance.

Best of Mr. Right
"Okay, who the hell is 'Tighty Whitey' and what moron hired Joel Schumacher to direct the new Justice League movie???"

Best of Best of
The first version of Darth Vader's costume goes a long way to explain his bad attitude.

Monday, February 06, 2017

These Two Guys


1. "When I die, I want to be reincarnated as Lady Gaga's jockstrap." "You're very confused, son."

2. "So, that's your advice? Stay behind the whole game then win at the end? Well, it got you elected."

3. "Grabbed her by the pu**y... Grabbed her by the pu**y... Grabbed that one by the pu**y..."

4. "Wanna swap supermodel trophy wives later?"

5. "I remember back in high school, the team used to have car washes to raise money; I used to give the best rim jobs."

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Speaking of flattened and deflated balls, here's Roger Goodell!"

Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Sure, I think the dollar bill needs to be updated; but replacing 'E Pluribus Unum' with 'Grab Life By The Pussy!"....hmmm, I'll get back to you!"

Best of Best of
... and at that exact moment Donald won the bet about the Tijuana Donkey show.

Best of Dr. Doom
Brady: "So then I asked Goodell if he was there to check my balls."
Trump: "Nice touch..."

Best of Dactyl
WONDER TWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE!!!

Saturday, February 04, 2017

Trump 45 and Trump 48.



1. "Tell me a dad joke. I wanna be a meme."

2. "When we carpet bomb Berkeley, can I ride in the lead B-52?"

3. "And then I offered McCain some chocolate Ex-Lax and told him it was a Hershey bar and the old f-cker sh-t his pants."

4. "Dad, tell me again about mom's fetish for throat pouches."

5. "The Safe School Czar offered me a body massage, so I had my Secret Service detail pepper sprayed him. He's rolling on the men's room floor trying to claw his eyes out. I never laughed so hard in my life."



Best of Dr. Doom
Barron: "My English teacher gave me a B on my essay, so I bought the business where her husband and parents work with my allowance and fired them all".

Donald: "That's my boy"!


Best of Best of
Barron: "Dad, what is a rim job?"
Donald: "You will find out at your 16th birthday party, ask her for anything you want."
 
Best of Dr. Doom
"Dad, Senator Craig asked if he could borrow the car," related Barron, "He said he wants to get it washed for you to support flag football..."

Best of GregMan
"Tell me again about how you defeated a wicked old communist witch."

We will begin by teaching you grammar and punctuation.