Friday, March 24, 2017

Breaker Breaker

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round."

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Well, My Work Here Is Done.

1. "You... into the cornfield."
2. "Has anyone seen my Samsung tablet?"
3. "Pyrokinesis rocks!"
4. The young redneck forgot that you're supposed to ask someone to hold your beer *before* setting something on fire.
5. "Hey, I wanna be in a meme, like that one little girl. So, I set your double-wide on fire. Don't worry, I'll share the internet profits with you."

Monday, March 20, 2017

"I Won't Be Ignored"


1. "But you said you loved me!"

2. "Come on, I got my oral sex face on and everything!"

3.  "And I am telling you I'm not going/ You're the best man I'll ever know..."'

4. "But... I've got a Porsche!"

5. It is notoriously difficult to get attention from Foot Locker employees.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Do Fries Go with that Shake?

1. "Like many Americans, we enjoy our meals of hamburger sandwiches and French-fried potatoes."

2. "I didn't see 'muffburgers' on the menu. Where do you get off ordering a 'muffburger?"

3. "Remember when Goldman Sachs used to fly us on private jets to give speeches for a half-million dollars a pop? Good Goddess, we have to get Chelsea in Office."

4. "How was I supposed to know the locks on the Women's Restroom were broken?"

5. "I swear the gal operating the fryalator used to be their Director Social Media."

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Dawgs on Top

1. "Liberal chicks... bestiality... I'm set either way."

2. Judging by the tissue on the dashboard, I think this guy jacks off in his car a lot.

3. True dedication to a fetish means amputating three fingers so you can properly perform "the Shocker."

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Eggo My Leggo

1. Waffle House's new ad campaign lacks subtlety.
2. What, no bacon?
3. Even under Donald Trump, the National Endowment for the Arts remained fully funded.
4. ORA:  "Waffles are not pies, you stupid bint!"
5. Someone leaked Anjelina Jolie and Billi Bob Thornton's honeymoon pics.

Friday, March 10, 2017

Touch My Butt

1. The disturbing part is every time he reaches in he pulls out a Milk Dud.
2. Matt would later be informed that the company's Sexual Harassment handbook was not a "How-To" Manual.
3. "Your tail was showing; here, let me tuck it back in before the humans get suspicious."
4. "But it's cold in here!"
5. Following Spinal Tap's advice, Matt checks out the looseness of his date's waistband.

Best of metalgarth
"I'm just checking to see if I can fit this salami in there.... HEY!!! That gives me an idea!!!!"


Best of Anonymous
We know you are Becky's, she marked you with her scent.


Best of Dr. Doom
"Since the transgender laws kicked in, you can't be too careful," thought Carl, "better safe than sorry I always say..."


Best of Dr. Doom
"Just a complimentary butt closure check ma'am," said Billy Bob, "nothing to be alarmed about..."


Best of Sort-of-Mad Max
"Well, after Doritos "Onion Rings 'N Ketchup" flavor took off, we just figured the time was right for Doritos "Skanky-Ass Fat Bitch Butt Crack" flavor."

"We figured wrong."


Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Womyn's Day

Best of Anonymous
Don't forget your eatin' shovel, but take care not to take M'chel's eatin' shovel.

Best of Anonymous
You pay me $15 am hour and I will make your sandwich.

Best of Dactyl
Allakazam, you're a sandwich.
Anybody want a sandwich? Anybody?

Best of Dr. Doom
...and instantly the entire inventory of all three local Subways was wiped out...

Best of Mr. Right
Lady, there aren't two men on this planet desperate enough to attempt that maneuver with you!

Best of Kaptain Krude
REVERSE SIDE: ...and an ice cream sandwich, and some fried chicken, and some lasagna, and green beans, and some nachos with cheese, and hot dogs, and a turkey, and mashed potatoes, and an order of Doritos, and a supreme pizza, and macaroni and cheese, and some pulled pork, and some Polish sausage, and maybe some bar-b-que, and definitely some ham...

Monday, March 06, 2017


1. Remember when the President was a Metrosexual flamer? Pepperidge Farm remembers

2. "Wait 'til the boys at Man's Country see my scrumptious new teddy!"

3. "OK, faux leather bomber jacket, lube and toys from Fort Troff, if I can score some meth it's Par-T time!"

4. When the new Daywalker appeared, the vampire community laughed its ass off.

5.  He thinks that bag goes with those shoes. He really is a SCOAMF.

Best of Anonymous
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
shlemiel, schlemazel, hasenpfeffer incorporated.... dee dee deee"

Best of Dr. Doom
The scene shortly before Mr. Obama ducked into the ladies room in Raleigh...

Best of Kaptain Krude
"I hear there's a real beast prowling the streets.... a SEXY beast! Rawr!"

Best of Nose
"Everybody's talkin' at me...."

Best of Dr. Doom
Stinging from their gales of laughter as he left the Mecca of nightclubs, Man Country San Francisco, Mr Obama grumbled to himself, "Damned chinese food..."

Best of George C. Papoon \
"Flame On !"


Thursday, March 02, 2017

When Your Model Falls Asleep in the Middle of Her Underwear Shoot

Lick the Snake


1. Who knew Spinal Tap would still be releasing albums in 2017?
2. Thought bubble. "So the rumors about Bill Maher were true. Oh well, $20 is $20."
3. "Come on, you bit off the head, now consume its blood. Do you wanna be a Young Republican or not?"
4. #43,157 on the list of 'Things I'd rather do the watch 'The View.'"
5. Arby's tests a new menu item.

Wednesday, March 01, 2017